So many questions and things to discuss now we are experimenting in the lifestyle

Hello- M boyfriend and I are experimenting in the lifestyle. We have done everything but full swap. He tells me he wants to watch me with a couple... full swap, and he tells them he doesn't want to participate. I don't know if I'm at the point where I can watch him with another woman actually having sex. So when we do meet a couple and I start playing, the me only playing goes out the window. Sometimes I think he uses that excuse just to get me there and then he wants to join in. He wants to experience the cuck lifestyle and everything else. I can't keep up. I enjoy playing with couples but not ready yet to have actual penetration.

And he wants to have a threesome so bad. We have been dating a year and he introduced me to this life. I didn't know this existed. He wants me to play with his ex-girlfriend... I'm not sure I can do that or ready for a threesome. How do I get past the jealousy and the fact that I don't know if I can see him with another woman.

Welcome from Oklahoma, Dc4you2! Thanks for joining us and posing a good question! In my opinion, the first step toward swinging is to embrace the difference between "having sex for fun" and "making love." You'll find a lot to read on that question here on the board.

First, welcome to Swingersboard and I'm happy you came right in with a question. Maturity (your number of years) is what cures or deminishes jealous feelings. I will speculate that you and your man friend might both be too young for this. And your relationship might also be too new.

Wishing you good fortune in your investigations.

First, welcome to Swingersboard and I'm happy you came right in with a question. Maturity (your number of years) is what cures or deminishes jealous feelings. I will speculate that you and your man friend might both be too young for this. And your relationship might also be too new.

 

Wishing you good fortune in your investigations.

We have been together in the lifestyle for little over a year. He has dabbled in it for a while before me with his previous wife.

I just want to learn how to get over the jealousy part or seeing him with someone else.

Swinging is all about love, trust and communication. It sounds like there are more than a few problems in the trust and communication side of things. First, you should NEVER do anything 'for him'. If you don't want to do something, DON'T. He shouldn't be trying to make you do anything you are not ready for. If he is doing anything that is against the rules that you have set up, then you should stop whatever is happening when it happens. Never go faster than the slowest person is comfortable with. If he wants the cuckold lifestyle, then YOU are supposed to be the one in charge, not him. And as for a threesome with the ex-girlfriend...HELL NO!

Getting over the jealousy part...well that was something that we were both concerned with when we started, but due to (IOHO) the love, trust and communication we had never really manifested when the time came.

There is no magic cure for jealousy. It's there or it isn't. It took me 30 years to be able to watch my wife be passionately screwed. It's really the key to swinging.

Last note, in this lifestyle, the woman makes the decisions. If you feel pressured, just say no. Go at your speed or soon he'll be planning a gang bang. Really, if us guys were in charge, swinging would be chaos.

Hi and welcome to the forum, dc4you2.

If you aren't ready for something, then you aren't and you need to make sure your boyfriend knows that. Don't let him pressure you into doing something you aren't comfortable with yet. If you do something that you don't want to do yet, it can be disastrous to your emotional and mental well-being as well as to your relationship.

As for jealousy, what SW_PA was saying (at least I hope we're both channeling each other) was that for many couples, it can take years--sometimes decades--to build up the trust necessary for a couple to swing successfully. Couples who have only been with each other for a few years might not have the life/relationship experiences with each other to see each other through the ups and downs. Their relationship might not have been tested in other ways to fortify the foundation that the relationship rests on. Also, during those years, they develop strong communication skills with each other. So, when a couple starts their swinging journey, if they experience any jealousy, they are able to deal with any issues that come up. It might still be painful but they know that the hardships their relationship endured has helped to strengthen it and so will this.

Do some couples, young in age and/or young in the relationship handle swinging? Yes, but it is rare. Most of the swinger community consists of those couples who have been together for many, many years before they even start swinging.

SW_PA might also be referring that older swingers might not experience any jealousy because they may have come to the conclusion that life is too short to be jealous.

Can you work through your jealousy? Yes. For me, it was a mental and emotional journey that I had to undertake and part of the reason why I was able to overcome it was because of all that Mr. Sun and I have gone through during our relationship and marriage. I knew that he always came home to me, and continued to do so. I knew that I loved him and wanted him to be happy--and if that ever meant him choosing someone else, then I would rather that he be happy with someone else than unhappy with me. I knew that Mr. Sun was a person, not a possession to be owned. Everyday, he makes the choice to be with me. Ultimately, we were sharing these swinging experiences together and it was something only we could share together.

Do I still struggle with some jealousy every once in a while? Yes, but usually when it happens, it is because I am feeling insecure about myself or our relationship. When that happens, then I know that I have to work on those two things.

I don't think your relationship is ready for swinging.

It sounds to me like he is a bit manipulative. In order to not be jealous a person needs to know that they can trust the other person. You can not even trust that he is honest when he tells you he just wants you to play and him watch.

He knows you are insecure, but he wants to bring his ex into your sex life? That doesn't sound like someone who is sensitive.

What type of commitment do you have with him? Do you know that regardless of what you are willing to do lifestyle-wise he will be your lover and life partner? If you don't have that assurance, it's very difficult not to be jealous.

I think swinging only works in young relationships in two cases: 1. if there is a strong love and commitment, good honest communication and there is not pressure to do this or that, just having fun and exploring together. or 2. You are friends with benefits who are not really attached and both equally like the fun of swinging together.

Hello... we met in November and he swept me off of my feet. A few months later he tells me he wants to be in the swinging lifestyle. He wants me to have a threesome, he wants me to be with a woman. I was married for 20 years to my hs sweetheart. And this was all a shock to me. I was alone going thru a divorce and he was there. I needed him for emotional support, which he doesn't show emotions, but I was in too deep... I had fell for him. He still talks to his ex. Chats and texts people from the websites we are on, he tells them it is easier to text so they exchanged numbers and then I cant see what they are saying.

I don't want to be with another man in front of him. Yes girl-girl is ok but I love a guy. He wants his cake and eat it too. one day is cuck, one day is threesome, and one day he tells me on and on how he wants to fuck this girl and that girl. I just let him talk... I don't even respond.

Yes I have had fun being a unicorn with a couple, like I said he says he wants to watch only, but doesn't show that once it gets heated between the three of us... he always seems to join in.

When I tell him he can't have it all he says why not... I know if i don't do what he wants in the relationship he will leave me for another. The ex girlfriend is waiting in the wings, but she isn't pretty enough that's why he isn't with her. I am very confused...

I can't tell him I'm not wanting or ready... he will just move on. He left his wife after 26 years of marriage to have this crazy life. I am in too deep. I love him. He is a good guy when swinging isn't involved.

I have only been swinging or somewhat for 10 months. I have done a lot in 10 months... more than others. I don't want to swing with strangers, but that seems what he wants.

I feel insecure all the time. He makes me feel that way. He always comments about other women... their breast size, mine are big but not big enough. Their vagina, my vagina looks nothing like the ones he comments about.

I have lots of insecurities and this ls is not helpful.

He is very manipulative. He gives me ultimatums. To find a unicorn... lose weight... I'm very skinny. He wants my breasts to look bigger.

He says he just wants to watch and then once we get to where we are about to play he joins in and touches the woman...

I am 100% committed to him. I love him. I was married for 20 years and then I met him. I have been emotionally dependent on him. He hides things from me. He hides the fact that he still talks to all his ex's and flings. I ask and he acts angry like it is not my business.

If I don't do the lifestyle he will leave me. He left his wife of 26 years because she didn't want to swing or be involved in anything that included in the lifestyle.

dc4you2, I'm going to be blunt. It doesn't sound like this man is a great guy. Even you have stated that he is manipulative. He gives you ultimatums. You say that he's great other than the swinging portion but I can't believe that. If he is this way in regards to swinging, his actions and way with words bleed into other parts of his life. Being emotionally dependent on him isn't healthy, especially considering how emotionally and mentally abusive he is to you.

Obviously, it is your choice to stay with him. But I can guarantee you, by what you have shared here, that he will keep pushing you to do more and more swinging related activities that you do not want to do. This will make you more and more unhappy until you reach the breaking point--and that breaking point can either mean that you'll finally see that you are stronger and worth more than he is treating you and finally leave or it can go another way. So, you can choose to stay with him and be unhappy or you can decide that you want to be happy and not be with such a person who is "manipulative", "makes you feel insecure", and isn't very honest.

What you have told us is not what a successful swinging couple does or even a healthy relationship. Healthy couples are honest with each other. They are open about how each other feels and takes into account those feelings. They don't lie. They don't hide things. They don't make each other feel like shit.

Please find it within yourself to see that you are a person who does not deserve to be treated like this and walk away. It's saddening to see those who chose to stay in a relationship when it makes them miserable.

Wow, reading these posts brings back many unpleasant memories for me. I was married for 20 years when we tried swinging. Of course, it was his idea and he had been working on me for many years to do this. Men who are controlling outside of the lifestyle are impossible in the lifestyle. They have not learned how to see their wives or girlfriends as equals and swinging is certainly not going to open his eyes. What it will do is destroy your marriage or relationship. When men push you to do things that you are not comfortable with (or ready for) it's a bad sign. My husband pushed me too far and that was the end of our marriage. I realized if he truly loved me he wouldn't contiuously ask me to do things that made me so uncomfortable. I am now in a relationship with someone who values my opinions and lets me take the lead in the lifestyle. He's not perfect and has had his moments but overall it has been amazing.

If I don't do the lifestyle he will leave me. He left his wife of 26 years because she didn't want to swing or be involved in anything that included in the lifestyle.

Based on everything you have said, then she's better off for it and you will be too. You should immediately start building a support net for yourself, whether that is friends, a professional counselor, or whatever it takes. Give him an ultimatum of your own, this all stops now or you're gone. He'll act like he doesn't care, tell you that you will never find anyone else, or any other manipulative game he can think of. Ignore that bullshit while laughing in his face and hit the door.

He may or may not come back to you in short order. If he doesn't, that means he has found someone else to work his tricks on, so if that's the case, then why would you care if he comes back or not. If he does come back claiming to be a changed man, then the ball is in your court whether you want to give this another shot by starting over from scratch, and I would advise that as a couple you get professional help too on learning how to treat each other and have a honest, happy, and healthy relationship.

One other note...based on everything you have told us, this guy isn't going to last long in swinging anyways. Most swingers are diametrically opposed to everything he stands for, and sooner or later he will find himself put on the avoid at all costs list. If you stay with him, when that happens, he is going to lay all the blame on you, so be prepared for that.

You do not need to be emotionally dependent on anyone to be happy! Your man is not treating you like human should be treated. No one deserves to be treated the way you say he treats you. You say he treats you well outside of the lifestyle, but you should be treated with respect in all aspects of life. Sorry to say, but your man is an asshole and you can do better.

When we meet couples and I'm not very stern and go get-um attitude or I'm not all over the woman he blames me if we don't end of bringing them to our house.

At first it was exciting and fun but I was with only women that he wanted to see naked. I wasn't attracted to them. And then he made me go to dinner to have a dinner with his ex girlfriend... because he was hell bent on making me have a threesome with her. I told him no. That would be the end of us. She loved him... I know a unicorn is someone that is used but I couldn't use her in fear of her feelings for him coming back.

I love this man. He is very controlling and thinks every woman wants him... because he has a large penis. I am really enjoy playing with couples, I can go home and there is no connection. But bringing a girl in our bed is scary to me. I am afraid he will want her more than me. I will be left out... He always tell me how his ex girlfriend was so fun in bed. I try to be but I don't know if I am. He has made me do a lot of things I am not proud of.

I have been praying for the jealousy and insecurities to go away and if I maybe just full swap and get it over with or let him have his threesome it would just be over and I can move on but I'm scared it will scar me for life.

Thank you. He told me he was so turned on by another man on my body or vagina smell on my face... he couldn't wait to get me home so he can ravage my body... so I was very excited to have great sex once we got home from the last couple I played with but he didn't ever have sex with me... he made me give him a blow job, well actually he came and wasn't even hard and we went to bed... I didn't even touch me.

He makes me play with myself and he watches me and jerks off. He rarely touches me... he fucks me and we go to bed. we have been together for a year and a half and he has never made love to me. He says that doesn't exist. No such thing.

Can you help me? I was married for 20 years, we didn't have the greatest marriage but I raised my daughters and we did at least I thought make love a few times. Or maybe I was mistaken.

I moved to Texas a couple years ago with my husband. We divorced. I have no family or friends here. He is really all I have. And he doesn't want me to have any friends.

I don't think he knows how to respect me.

If I tell him I don't want to do this he will say goodbye. I broke up with him on a Friday about 8 months ago...he was pressuring me to find a couple to full swap. So I texted this girl that we had been texting but I didn't in a group text. It was just like girl talks... kids and everyday work... just to get to know her on a girl level. Well he flipped out and I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. I was in the lifestyle for about 2 weeks when I did this. He broke up with me on a Friday and on Saturday made a profile on match.com and met a woman and took her to his house and tried to have sex with her but he claims his penis wouldn't stay hard because all he did was think of me... so of course he told me this story and I believed him and thought since he was honest I could give it another try. Wish sometimes I never did.

And he doesn't want me to have any friends.

:redflag:

If I tell him I don't want to do this he will say goodbye. I broke up with him on a Friday about 8 months ago...he was pressuring me to find a couple to full swap. So I texted this girl that we had been texting but I didn't in a group text. It was just like girl talks... kids and everyday work... just to get to know her on a girl level. Well he flipped out and I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. I was in the lifestyle for about 2 weeks when I did this. He broke up with me on a Friday and on Saturday made a profile on match.com and met a woman and took her to his house and tried to have sex with her but he claims his penis wouldn't stay hard because all he did was think of me... so of course he told me this story and I believed him and thought since he was honest I could give it another try. Wish sometimes I never did.

I'm confused a bit, first you said you broke up with him and then you said he broke up with you? Was that the same event, or did it happen twice, once each? Point being, it's happened once, so do it again and don't look back this time. Maybe go live near your daughters while you put your life back together?

I'll be blunt, you are being pimped out. You can choose to live with that, or you can choose not to. If you don't have a path out in place today because of nowhere to go or whatever, then today is when you need to start putting one together and implement it as soon as possible.

I'm truly sorry and sad that you are in this position.

I know that you believe this thing you feel for him is love. I can assure you it is not. Love is a two way street and respect is part of it. He does not love you or respect you. He uses you and loves having control of you. You feel desperate and lost. You are clinging to him because he's shown you attention. That is not love.

You need to learn to love and respect yourself. You are never truly alone in this world. Get a counselor. Meditate. Get a hobby. Make friends online and in real life. Get a cat or a bird or a lizard, any of those animals will treat you better then he does.

The longer you stay and allow yourself to be used by him and others (swingers you force yourself to play with) the more you will lose yourself, the longer it will take to be whole and truly happy.

Ok I'm going to be unpopular but I'm going to say it anyway.

From what I have read you are being manipulative. You are 'going along' with you your boyfriend because you are 'afraid to lose him'. So what's the problem of being alone? Why are you not being direct with your boyfriend and telling him what you want? Why not tell him you are not happy with your sex life? He talks about swinging and you say nothing? No 'Hey, I like this, but don't like this?'

Saying nothing can be implicit acceptance. By saying nothing you are taking what he says as acceptable. He is not a mind reader and probably has no idea about what you feel?

I really think you should see a therapist and cool this relationship. I do not think you are currently ready for a long term relationship.

Good luck

I think kikonkrome brings up a great point. However, I would not be surprised if this boyfriend is intimidating to the point of being downright scary at times. This makes it even more important for dc4you2 to realize her worth as a human being and stand up for herself. Until she does, her boyfriend and people like him will continue to use her for their purposes without any thought of her needs and desires.

Thanks for all your truthful and honest replies. I will take all of your advice into consideration. I do disagree that I am being manipulative... I fell in love with him before I knew what he wanted. He dated for 4 months before he told me what he wanted. So I was in too deep. I do tell him my feelings and that I don't want this all of the time. I can compromise, but when you love someone you do whatever you can to make them happy. That's how I was raised. I never knew I would feel this way about another human being. He is like a ms. robinson case...if you know what I mean. He was young and having sex with a husband's wife while he watched. I think it messed him up at a early age. 15... I feel like I can't leave him sometimes because he needs me. And yes I am in counseling... my therapist says for me to run...

Well it's only four month's. That's why you are dating, to learn about each other. Frankly after a divorce, and 20 years of marriage, you are in a vulnerable place.

I know I was after mine.

So take some time to play the field and enjoy being single and getting to know yourself and what yo want in a mate.

It would seem to me that you two are ready to move on.

Good Luck

dc4foru2, I'm afraid I have to add my voice to the chorus that is recommending that you leave this man. You say you love him, and that he needs you. But his dysfunctional dependence/manipulation/abuse is not really love. Actually, your descriptions suggest more of a co-dependent relationship between you two, not a healthy loving one.

You can do better than this guy! And in any case, being on your own is better than beng trapped in a bad relationship. It is NOT too late for you to get out!

I can understand that you may not want to listen to the advice of a bunch of anonymous people on SwingersBoard. But your therapist is a trained professional, who knows a lot more than we all do about the situation, and who has your best interests at heart. If your therapist is telling you to run, I hope you seriously consider running!

And when you do, you will find that there are a lot of people out there who have your back, and are going to be a friend to you!

I'm sorry but I agree with your therapist. This is not about swinging, it is about an abusive relationship in my point of view. Swinging only magnifies it.