Jealousy, who struggled the most?

Here's my question, not to find some great truth but just to spark some good conversations:

Which partner struggled with jealousy the most at the start? And has it resurfaced as the journey progressed?

Was it the same partner, or did the nature and owner of the jealousy change as time passed?

I know we're all programmed by society to be jealous of our lovers. It sticks to some of us moreso than others. At some point, in order to enjoy swinging, we've all had to find a way to let it go. I take for granted here that (for the most part) everyone here has been successful letting that go. My question is more about how we arrived here, and how we keep our heads straight.

Thanks in advance to those that participate.

The first few times M. and I visited a club together (knowing that he was really uncomfortable with the idea of my getting close to anyone's penis but his), he did the equivalent of pissing a circle around me. If he'd had hackles, they'd have been visibly up. The next year, when we were again on the Mainland and visiting a club, the first time we'd had anything to do with swinging in almost a year, he was fine. I think it was less about jealousy than mineminemineIdon'twanttoshare, but maybe that is jealousy for him. Anyway, it was gone and hasn't returned.

I had a few days of intense jealousy this past autumn, something I didn't think was possible, because I'd never experienced even a quiver in pretty much a lifetime's worth of non-monogamy and a couple years of swinging as part of a couple. That required some intense examination, both internal and external, and a conversation that is still ongoing.

So, not really responding conventionally to your inquiry, but that's how it has been for us.

We transitioned into this really well. To this day, I don't think there has ever been any jealousy issues. The first time we played with a couple, I had performance issues and there was frustration and envy but ... knock on wood, we have not had an issue to date.

Having said that, I don't dismiss that something could potentially happen in the future if we ever started to take each other for granted or a slew of other stupid things but so far so good.

We were both intensely surprised when Mr RV had jealousy issues. Mr RV had never been jealous of me. We both thought the jealous one was going to be me. (I've only had twinges...definitely nothing major)

Mr RV has had difficulties throughout our three year journey. We've talked a lot and it is far better now than it was at the beginning. Initially it was because of things like when I was more vocal with a new partner. Sometimes it was because I got more attention. Recently it was due to the fact that I have had a great connection with someone and he has yet to find that kind of connection.

He has settled now but always makes sure that we talk about it when it bothers him. I give him a lot of credit for acknowledging when he is uncomfortable, for including me, and for taking the necessary steps to process his feelings.

The first few times M. and I visited a club together (knowing that he was really uncomfortable with the idea of my getting close to anyone's penis but his), he did the equivalent of pissing a circle around me. If he'd had hackles, they'd have been visibly up. The next year, when we were again on the Mainland and visiting a club, the first time we'd had anything to do with swinging in almost a year, he was fine. I think it was less about jealousy than mineminemineIdon'twanttoshare, but maybe that is jealousy for him. Anyway, it was gone and hasn't returned.

 

I had a few days of intense jealousy this past autumn, something I didn't think was possible, because I'd never experienced even a quiver in pretty much a lifetime's worth of non-monogamy and a couple years of swinging as part of a couple. That required some intense examination, both internal and external, and a conversation that is still ongoing.

 

So, not really responding conventionally to your inquiry, but that's how it has been for us.

Just out of curiosity, what was the trigger, after that long of being non-monogamous?

The first time for me I just had to get it out. Its embarrassing and funny. My wife was with this man and I just had to tell him about my karate back ground.. I could not believe I said that and I still cringe on the inside when I think about it.. How I got over it was.. I would watch and see how much fun my wife was having during some of the tantric classes we took together. I was able to release my need to control and dominate her. Long story.. but it worked.. I love her enough to let her experience what she wants to.. even if it does not include me. It took pressure off my shoulders knowing that I did not have to be everything to her.

Just out of curiosity, what was the trigger, after that long of being non-monogamous?

'There are more than a few layers to it, some I still can't quite articulate in a way that would explain it to others (although I understand the threads), but the two biggest pieces were that I wasn't getting what I needed from M. at the time and instead of dealing with that, he chose to put time, energy and attention toward someone else. It felt like abandonment, something I've always been clear I have an issue with.

I know we're all programmed by society to be jealous of our lovers.

It is not just society, it is also simple genetics, jealousy is pretty universal when it comes to one's mate for obvious reasons, and more so from the male for those same reasons (you can't really cuckold a female).

I had a good heaping after our first full swap, and it took about two weeks to internalize, rationalize, and beat it. I can't say there was a method, it ate me for a while, and then it was just gone.

I, honestly, never felt any jealousy at all. But then, I'm one of those husbands that enjoyed seeing my wife with other men as much as I enjoyed being with the other men's wives.

She says it wasn't jealousy but I think it was. She simply said that she didn't like watching me with the other women. And that's why we quit after a couple of years of swinging back in the late 70's/early 80's. When we decided to play again, more softly this time, in the late 90's, it was her again who didn't like my interactions with the other wives to get too flirty. And, finally, she just lost interest completely.

Its not just society, its also simple genetics, jealousy is pretty universal when it comes to ones mate for obvious reasons, and more so from the male for those same reasons (you can't really cuckold a female).

 

I had a good heaping after our first full swap, and it took about two weeks to internalize, rationalize, and beat it. I can't say there was a method, it ate me for a while, and then it was just gone.

Just for curiosity, was the full swap your first swing experience, or did you have soft-swap experiences before? Did your wife/female partner also have the same reaction, or was she experienced when you entered it. My significant other and I have been talking about soft couples play is why I'm asking. I'm wondering if the jealousy only kicked in after intercourse , but wasn't a problem with "soft" play.

Just for curiosity, was the full swap your first swing experience, or did you have soft-swap experiences before? Did your wife/female partner also have the same reaction, or was she experienced when you entered it. My significant other and I have been talking about soft couples play is why I'm asking. I'm wondering if the jealousy only kicked in after intercourse , but wasn't a problem with "soft" play.

We did soft swap, oral, and it was great. Our first full swap was separate rooms, that was the mistake. My wife was fine with it, I was not. I think had it been same room things would have been much better.

I know I still get jealous at the idea of my lady being with another man, but it doesn't really have power over me. At some point, my security in the relationship became such that the hormonal jealousy response can still happen, and instead of feeling bad it just sort of adds to the rush. I was worried that it would be harder to keep that perspective when it became a reality (versus just talk), but the truth is that it was easier in reality than in discussion. Her physical presence (LOL, yes even with another man's dick in her) reassured me of our bond.

I don't even think in terms of trying to beat it or get rid of it. It's part of me, just like an anger response to a fear. I just choose to make positive use of that response rather than let it rule me.

Thanks everyone, for a great discussion.

We're in the minority. When we first started out, we talked forever. Then we talked more. I think I threw every scenario out there into a conversation and we talked it out. When we enjoyed our first swap, it was pure awesomeness. To this day, it's been awesome and I don't think we'd change anything we've done so far. Well, I would change a couple of dumb things I've done, but nothing that involved jealousy. Like DigginIt said, it might happen later on down the road, but we're not foreseeing anything.

I know I still get jealous at the idea of my lady being with another man, but it doesn't really have power over me. At some point, my security in the relationship became such that the hormonal jealousy response can still happen, and instead of feeling bad it just sort of adds to the rush. I was worried that it would be harder to keep that perspective when it became a reality (versus just talk), but the truth is that it was easier in reality than in discussion. Her physical presence (LOL, yes even with another man's dick in her) reassured me of our bond.

I saw this last night and I've been thinking about it ever since. There is some fairly strong evidence that sperm competition is hardwired into men's biochemistry, although it might not be readily apparent in some. So, one of the things I'm wondering is whether there are more men in swinging who either have a muted hormonal response or, conversely, are highly attracted to seeing their mate with other men, because of a strong hormonal response that makes them want to engage in sperm competition; an adrenaline sport for the horizontally inclined.

because of a strong hormonal response that makes them want to engage in sperm competition; an adrenaline sport for the horizontally inclined.

I think there is something to this, but only after you have beaten the jealousy thing. The scientific side of sperm competition is that men have bigger/stronger orgasms after they think their mate may have been with another man. Evolutionarily speaking though, the FIRST line of defense is keeping her away from the other man (jealousy) the second would be sperm competition and penis shape.

For me jealousy would be far too much to endure just so I could get off a bit better, and I wouldn't "enjoy" knowing my wife was having fun.

We were both intensely surprised when Mr RV had jealousy issues. Mr RV had never been jealous of me. We both thought the jealous one was going to be me. (I've only had twinges...definitely nothing major)

 

Mr RV has had difficulties throughout our three year journey. We've talked a lot and it is far better now than it was at the beginning. Initially it was because of things like when I was more vocal with a new partner. Sometimes it was because I got more attention. Recently it was due to the fact that I have had a great connection with someone and he has yet to find that kind of connection.

 

He has settled now but always makes sure that we talk about it when it bothers him. I give him a lot of credit for acknowledging when he is uncomfortable, for including me, and for taking the necessary steps to process his feelings.

I found this to be a really good statement about how important communication is. It goes to show other couples out there that even if things don't go smoothly, with effective communication, you can still enjoy the lifestyle. Thanks for sharing.

We both have had some jealousy, for different reasons and at different times. I was more surprised that I had any -- I really thought I didn't have it in me...wrong! What's been most surprising has been how these jealousies and threatened feelings, though at the time, they caused very difficult and sometimes hurtful interactions between us -- over time, as we discussed things more and more in depth, we found out things we both wanted and needed and weren't getting from the other, and that's what the jealousy was really about, not about what happened with the other couples we had played with. Things we didn't even realize we wanted or needed, or maybe things we just had no way of expressing to the other yet. I've read on here many times about how swinging exposes cracks in a relationship and I certainly think that has been the case for us. Fortunately we've been able to work toward filling in those cracks and I think it's made our foundation stronger. But I can see how those cracks could become schisms quickly without a lot of brave and open communication.

^^ I LOVE that response. Thank you.

I can't speak from a lot of experience, as my lady and I are still at the start of our journey. But the dynamic you speak of, I can already see in play in our relationship. It's not that we're NOT jealous. It's that the jealousy is part of our discussion, and it's a way for us to find out how to better fit together.

I was the one who became jealous. I was confident that it wouldn't happen but I had to admit it to myself when those feelings emerged. Why had I become jealous when I had gone over the scenarios many times in my dreams before any reality? It was her reaction to getting kissed by him as he fucked her. I never saw her act that way. I suddenly began to feel the chill that not only was he a better lover than I was but that she was falling in love with him.

Ironically it was her lover who become jealous of me when she would spend time with me and have sex with me. He wanted to posses her for himself. She chose me and our marriage over him and after that I had no problems with jealousy again.

I'm happy when I watch my wife enjoying having sex with other men and she loves me for letting her have the opportunities to have those experiences.

Current situation - Jealous partner = Wife (5 years ago), resurfaced = no

Past marriage... I had jealousy the day after a separate room encounter while being told "we just kissed for hours, you wouldn't understand how amazing he makes me feel - and then I made love to him." I quietly pouted about that for a while. Boo hoo.

^^ I totally understand that. I don't have hangups about what acts take place between my lady and her playmate, but if I felt like she were going to him for an emotional need that she didn't get from me I'd be jealous.

Once again, I think the key words I keep hearing and agreeing with are communication and honesty. As long as they stay at the top of the list, it seems like everything else can be worked out.