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easternluv

We keep talking about swinging but no progress!

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Hello Folks,

 

I am delighted to join this site and believe that I will get all necessary support from members to make a transition into exciting world of lifestyle. I need help or advice on how to take things forward with wifey from this point.

 

So I have been expressing my desire to have sex with others on same bed (me with other women and she with other men). She never rejected the idea but every time her counter argument is "I don't know, I need be in love in order to have sex or I won't enjoy if I don't have feelings for him" etc. We talked about going to swinger club and she is quite excited for that and she said she would like to have sex with me (only me, nobody else) in the middle of an orgy. She is quite confident she won't be shy.

 

Every time we have the same conversation but no progress. It's been 2 years now. With one way or another, there is always something comes up and we never been able to go to swinger club. My only question is - Am I on right track? Is her willingness to go to swinger club a positive sign that in the future she might open up a bit more? or it is just normal? Any advice how should I proceed further? Any sort of help would be greatly appreciated!!

 

Thanks,

 

A future lifestyle enthusiastic :)

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easternluv, welcome to SwingersBoard!

 

If this conversation has been going on for two years, with no visits to a club yet, it sounds like your wife is just not that interested in even the voyeur/exhibitionist elements of playing with each other at a swinger club, much less the idea of swapping partners. I might have taken her willingness to go to a club as a positive sign, but after two years of this notion bearing no fruit, my hope might be waning.

 

Perhaps she is just not a person who is built to think of sex as a recreational activity with friends. Do you think she is expressing a deeply-held core belief, or is she being held back by society's expectations of monogamy, perhaps hearing voices of parents or priests in her head?

 

Is she open to learning more about swinging? Maybe she would like to stop by here, poke around the forums, and read up about some of the experiences of real swingers.

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hello coupleinMD,

Thanks for replying. As I said, not going to club had reasons (study, no sitter, etc). In fact for 2 yrs we haven't gone anywhere that much, but she has been positive in going to swinger club throughout. The reason I am positing this question now, is finally we are getting close to make our first visit, hence my confusion is increasing. She still doesn't know about swinging that much. Basically my confusion is when to introduce idea of wife swapping? Before swinger club visit, I am thinking of taking her to any dance club and encourage her to dance with strangers and then take the next step?

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Welcome to the site, we're happy you decided to join us :)

 

I too would take the interest in the swingers club as a positive. When "there is always something that comes up" that prevents the club visit from happening, are those somethings always coming from her? She had to study, she said she would find a sitter and then it fell through, etc.? If so, then I think while the idea may sound good to her, the actually going through with it is a little scary so she keeps putting it off. Not ruling it out, because it does excite her in a fantasy type sense, but it scares her in reality. If that isn't the case and what keeps coming up is just those never-ending gotta do this or gotta do that parts of everyday life, then I would say you both aren't trying hard enough to make the time for the club visit to happen. Make it a priority and make it happen.

 

For the first club visit, I would go into it with zero expectations. Don't go planning to try to make the sex in front of others happen or anything else. Just go to watch and learn and get a feel for what swinging is all about. In short, don't pressure her in any way, and assure her up front that is going to be the case...no pressure, none. By even stepping foot in a swingers club, you will have exceeded about 98% of the guys who have ever thought about swinging. Be content with that, and know that the seed has been planted. Whether it grows into something more, only time will tell. I get a sense that the seed maybe could eventually grow once she learns more about swinging and sees for herself what swingers are like and is able to use that newfound knowledge to work past the things that are holding her back. Or, maybe she won't, but I can guarantee you that if you push things too hard early on then that will be the end of the idea once and for all.

 

No on the dance club idea. The guys at the dance club aren't swingers, don't understand swinging, and will probably come on to her 10 times more than any swinger would. She can't learn what swingers are like by being around nonswingers.

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hello cplnuswing,

Thanks for your reply. It's definitely not her but random stuff kept coming (both taking courses on part time and 2 kids). Thanks for suggesting to not go forward much on first visit and just test the water. Makes a lot of sense. I will definitely make it happen in couple week time and give you guyz update how did it go :). I feel much better now with your words that it's a positive sign :).

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I would not expect her to ever swing. Her saying she needs to love someone to enjoy sex with them is a big warning sign to me. If you push her into it and she has a great time,she may be confused,or worse feel that she is in love. Then you will be in a real bind. I think this is something to put on the back burner and maybe talk again in five years.

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I would not expect her to ever swing. Her saying she needs to love someone to enjoy sex with them is a big warning sign to me. If you push her into it and she has a great time,she may be confused,or worse feel that she is in love. Then you will be in a real bind. I think this is something to put on the back burner and maybe talk again in five years.

 

Hey Funcoupledayton,

What you said could be very well true. I am just not sure what she says is real or just to use it as a shield because she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't have any refusal argument other than this. thats what confusing part for me.

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Guest sandraandalex

'Refusal argument" ? "Other than this" ? "Confused" ? Okay, Im a bit cranky tonight, yet you're coming across as the type of man who ignores all the red flags their wife is waving to attain the goal of having sex with another woman. Do not do anything until the confusion is removed. Why not just have sex at a Club on her terms ? Ya know, the terms she's most comfortable with ? In the Lifestyle, it is often said to move at the pace of the slowest partner. That's done out of respect for ones spouse and to prevent a true failure in a key aspect of your relationship, sex. No one can see past a choice they don't understand and you're wanting her to make one that she doesn't. Funcoupledayton is exactly right. More than one marriage has been ruined by someone falling in love outside of their marriage while swinging. If you cannot separate love and sex, this is not for you. Meanwhile if she wants to get her exhibitionist vibe on at a Swing Club, revel in that and see where it takes you. Yet , wow, I think you have your own agenda to have sex with other women and will run roughshod over your wife to get it all the time saying ,"I'm confused".

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Everyone gets cranky once in a while, Doesn't mean we go on internet and rant. I had questions and i thought forum might help. little did i know few people here are so judgmental, comes to the conclusion without even giving a second thought or understanding the situation. And the tone is certainly not called for. At least one thing i learned, Not everyone in lifestyle are super nice ( which was written all over the internet).

 

Did you even read what i wrote in previous posts? All for now we planned to do is going to swinger club and have sex with each other.But you didnt find it necessary to read my all post, Choose to be disrespectful and advice me same thing? "Why not just have sex at a Club on her terms ? Ya know, the terms she's most comfortable with ? ".

 

In lifestyle or not, being judgmental is not a quality earns you respect.

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Guest sandraandalex

I believe trying to get your wife to do something she isn't ready for is 'not nice'. I'm also not interested in your respect or ever earning it. You posed a question to the group and you're not liking the answers, especially mine. As far as her offer to go to a Swing club and have sex with you, if she's as excited to do that as you claim, and it's been two years and you haven't gotten there, she isn't excited about the idea. My judgement is that all the signs are there and that you need to rethink and reevaluate and you are ignoring them. Ignoring them is a choice. So, let's review your questions logically shall we :

 

"Am I on the right track ?" No, you're not. Her actions are communicating quite clearly and you keep saying you are confused.

 

You say that's you're only question, but you had more, so let's review the others:

 

"Is her willingness to go to swinger club a positive sign that in the future she might open up a bit more? It doesn't mean anything except she's willing to go to a Club, which , if you do it, should be with no expectations. Yet, her actions say she is not willing to got to a Club. I always evaluate someone by their actions, not their words.

 

"or it is just normal? " I have no idea what that means in the context of you writing it.

 

"Any advice how should I proceed further? " Yes, tell her you will gladly visit a Swing club when she asks to go. No sooner.Then leave the topic alone.

 

"Basically my confusion is when to introduce idea of wife swapping?" At this point , you already have.

 

"Before Swinger club visit, i am thinking of taking her to any dance club and encourage her to dance with strangers and then take the next step?"As someone mentioned a Vanilla environment is not the place to practice Swinging. It's sort of like taking a fishing pole to an Elk hunt. You're mixing environments culturally and sociologically and with alcohol present. That probably won't go well.

 

Here's whatI believe she would like: You to focus on her. Love her, make time for her, in the middle of all the crazy and time consuming things that are going on. After all, it's not the man who can make love to a hundred women, it's the man who can make love to the same woman a hundred different ways.

 

Lastly, Sweetie, you've never seen me rant.

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Her actions certainly suggest that it could be more of a fantasy for her rather than something she is actually comfortable with doing. For me, I think about it, fantasies about it and talk about it but I don't actually do it very often. If however she is telling you that she wants to persue it and has no intention of doing so, then that's leading you on which is not fair. But I think she has given you very clear signs that she's not comfortable having sex with anybody other than you. This one refusal is enough to step back, it doesn't have to be forever maybe you two need to talk more and sometime in the future might be the right time. But for now she's telling you that she doesn't want to do it and showing you by not acually doing it. They are fantasies for her, enjoy them!

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easternluv-

 

I hope you didn't take my response earlier as being disrespectful or rude. It certainly was not intended in that way at all. My hope is that your question stimulates a good discussion, with some perspectives that you will find useful and that might help you to find a way forward.

 

Part of the reason why some commenters here, myself included, have been reluctant to take a full dose of hope from your wife's indications of interest in a swinger club is the fact that you two have not acted on this idea after two years of talking about it. Now, we all know that life gets in the way, and from what you've said, it sure sounds like you have a whole lot of "life" going on and keeping you busy! The fact remains, though, that you two have had over 100 Saturday nights to give this thing a try, and something has gotten in the way every time. All I am saying is that it's worth taking a step back from the situation, and soberly considering whether there might be some factor other than busy lives that is keeping you two from trying this.

 

In your talks with your wife about this, have you discussed going to a club, or swinging, when you are clothed, not aroused, sitting at the kitchen table? I ask because, in my experience, this kind of idea seems more real, and less like just a sexy fantasy, when you are talking about it at the kitchen table!

 

As a thought experiment, what do you think might happen if you arranged your schedules this week to be free on Saturday night, and announced to your wife at breakfast tomorrow that you two ARE going to the swinger club this Saturday? Would she be excited? Reluctant? Would she balk? Would she discover a reason why you two can't make it this Saturday? Or would she get all "carpe diem" on you, seize the day and embrace the idea?

 

Your idea of going to a dance club and hoping to turn things more racy is not an uncommon thought for people starting out in swinging. As has been stated above, the idea of going to a vanilla setting and trying to turn it into a more swinger-ey thing is fraught with potential peril. You may be discouraged if nothing happens, or frightened away if more happens than you've bargained for! Your average group of vanilla people is going to be ignorant of the protocols, courtesies, and rule of behavior among swingers, so it's actually a less safe environment if you are looking for just some close-dancing, teasey fun.

 

I'll mention again that you might consider inviting her to come take a look around here on SwingersBoard. There are plenty of stereotypes of swingers that may cloud a person's judgement about the prospect of trying it. But there is a lot of good information here! When the Mrs. and I started out, we came here and learned a ton about "the lifestyle" (we hardly ever call it "wife swapping" any more, since the husbands are swapping, too! ;) ).

 

If you've looked around here much, you've probably already seen one theme repeated over and over here. That is that the slower person in the couple dictates the pace at which you move forward. This is because a person can't really be "talked into" swinging (at least, not more than once!), and it can cause real problems in a relationship if one person moves beyond encouragement, and into "pushing". I'm not by any stretch saying that this is what you are doing! I'm only sounding this note of caution because the of the risk to a relationship of doing so.

 

Another recurring theme that appears all over the forums here is about the fact that successful lifestyle couples have relationships that are characterized by very good communication. Swinging really can be a relationship minefield, and great communication is how couples help each other to avoid the mines. If you two are openly and honestly talking about your fears, insecurities, and concerns, along with your fantasies, desires, and hopes, you are fortifying each other and building the high level of trust that is needed in order to add non-monogamous sex into a marriage.

 

I hope you are picking up on my sincere attempt to be helpful with your situation! Please continue the conversation, and I wish you both good luck!

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TALK TO HER! Go someplace private and neutral, sit down with her and talk. If you don't have great communication, swinging will never work for either of you so work on bettering the communication you have. Ask her if it is something that she is interested in actually doing or is this something that she wants to just keep as a fantasy. Try to find out what her fantasies are and see what you can both do to make them become more of a reality. But don't MAKE her do anything she doesn't really want to do. If she possibly is interested in going further, take little steps and make sure she knows what your plans are. Lots of women when they hear that their man wants to swing instantly think that he is looking for a replacement for her or that she isn't 'good' enough for him. She needs to know that isn't the case. REALLY KNOW that isn't the case. Love, trust and communication. There's no such thing as too much of any of them.

 

If you do ever get to going to a swing club, let her know that you are both only going to watch and nothing more...then go and do just that (and nothing more). As long as you have clearly defined limits and don't violate them then it will make her feel more comfortable with what is happening (if she is interested in making anything happen). Communicate, see if there is actual interest, take small steps, one at a time, with clearly defined boundaries and see if it leads any further.

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I would like to thank everyone who has taken time to provide me some insight.I didnt reply earlier because there was no point until we hit swinger club first time. So it happened last Saturday. When we were heading to Swinger club, i told wifey that we're going to a sex club, there will be naked people and people making out with each other's spouses, So be open minded and just enjoy the moment without thinking too much.

 

It was actually first ever visit for my wife to any sort of club ( she came from India 4 yrs back, we had 2 babies those year never got a chance to take her out to club) let alone swinger club, So i was bit skeptical but she really enjoyed the night. She was surprised to see happy people. Everybody were so happy, No one was judged for their dressing or body type, which is a taboo in regular clubs. All night my focus was only on her, even she was trying to check out other people ( i could see how happy she was that i kept looking at her all the time even there were few hot half naked ladies around). She doesnt drink at all but that night she had 2 breezer and that spoiled the night for her, her head started spining and she felt dizzy so we had to leave earlier than planned but we talked few times about its sexual energy, happy vibe and amazing people. We going back next month on my birthday.

 

Since then twice we had role playing sex which never happened before ( i have been requesting it for past 2 years). I feel like it is a positive sign. Still a long way to go but i am willing to wait, i will show her path but let her lead, no matter how long it takes :)

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So today is going to be our second visit at swingers club. Hopefully we could make a bit more progress towards lifestyle :), will update later, how did it go!!

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