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Aquarius

Ladies, what was your emotional thought process when approached about Swinging?

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Ladies,

 

What were your mental and emotional processes when you were approached about swinging from your husband or S/O? It seems my wife has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride. At first she was stunned and didn't believe it, then she was hurt that I would be willing to share her, and then angry that I would want it. Then she thought all I wanted was to have sex with other women. She even asked if I had gay thoughts. Later she seemed to settle down and was a little turned on about it in bed at times. Then she went back to square one etc...

 

Now she has accepted the idea and allows for me to talk about it even when we have sex, which I rarely do because I don't want to push her or make our sex just about my swinging desires. When I do send her sexy little text messages or talk about my fantasies in bed she doesn't respond to the fantasy but seems to quietly enjoy the thoughts. I am hoping this is part of her process because I don't want to ask her directly about swinging again until she is ready to bring it up.

 

Lately, she has been telling me all the time how much she loves me and how she feels closer to me than ever! Could this part her process? If not it doesn't matter, it is great to hear that from her! Because I feel the same towards her! That's why I feel the desire to swinging with her as strange as that sounds!

 

Thanks and I can't wait to hear your responses!

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Hi, Aquarius. I don't think there's one emotional thought process that is specific for women. Just as a couple's swinging journey differs from one couple to another, the same goes for a woman's emotional thought process. Not only does it depend on the woman herself but many factors. Has she had fantasies of group sex? Threesomes? Just one-on-one? Does she have any fantasies at all? How is her libido? Is it high? Low? Middle ground? How was she brought up in regards to sex education? Was she taught that marriage = monogamy? Was she taught that pre- and extra-marital sex is morally wrong?

 

When Mr. Sun brought up "The Lifestyle" to me, I had recently opened up to him that I was interested in a MFM threesome. From there, we started talking about swinging and deciding that from the get-go, we would try out couple swapping so everything was fair. We would know right from the start if one of us experienced any jealousy. We didn't want to focus on MFMs or FMFs due to the possibility of resentment. So, I was sort of "mentally prepared" for his suggestion because I had those fantasies. But I had to do the hard work...and that was overcoming my childhood programming about marriage, monogamy, extra-martial sex, and the morality that was attached to it all.

 

I can easily see how a woman who didn't have any sexual fantasies outside of her husband could react hurt and angry. Just like a woman who views marriage as meaning complete sexual monogamy can react that way when her husband brings up desiring sex with other people.

 

Considering how she has reacted and her recent declarations of love to you, I'd say that she isn't ready. She wants you to know that she loves you and that you are enough for her. She might be hoping to hear from you that she is enough for you, in the same manner.

 

Of course, I could be incorrect. The best way for you to know is to ask her point blank in how she feels towards swinging. Don't ask her during sex. Don't ask after sex. Ask her at the dining table--away from any bedroom activities or sexual arousal. The best way to know if someone is ready and willing to try out swinging is when they are not under the influence of alcohol or arousal.

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I can be honest, it was my idea to bring up swinging, not the Mr.'s. And I had a lot of mixed emotions towards it and I still do, even though it was my idea. When I first brought up the idea to my man, he had about the same reaction, he couldn't believe I could want anyone besides him, even though we have always said "sex and love are two different things." After his initial reaction to it he was overly curious as to what my fantasies were and what I wanted and expected out of this.

It took a lot of reasuring that I loved him and our sex life but that the idea of expanding our horizons was truly alluring to me. He really warmed up to the idea after he realized I wasn't only talking about fooling around with another guy but rather it was for the both of us and that I expected him to have fun as well.

We have both talked about it a lot now and I mean A LOT! Always remember though no detail is to small when she is ready to talk. It may seem like a silly question or concern to you but it could be a very huge thing to her. I mean me and the Mr. have set up rules, boundaries, safe words, and we still find things that we know would bother us if they happened. Like it may seem silly but I wouldn't mind him screwing another girl in the bed beside me, while I ride her man, but I don't like the idea of another girl giving him head because I know Mr. finds that a very intimate action in the bedroom and at the end of the day we are still us and they are merely toys, as we like to say, for our pleasure. So there shouldn't be any real connections or intimate actions made, that is us only.

So always be open to listen and answer all of her questions honestly, even if you think it will upset her, because if you lie to her there is no way can expect it to work for either of you. But even with talking through everything you can think of, when she's ready to talk about it, she may not want it but may just like how into things you get when you talk about it.

I wish you both the best of luck with whatever the two of you choose. :)

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I was not shocked when my husband brought it up because he spent a few years working up to it. First it was porn, then it was toys, then strip clubs and finally swing clubs. I will give you some advice: I did take it personally when he first suggested it and unsure why he wanted to go. He was so persistent that I finally gave in and said I would go one time. The way he handled the first night set the tone for the future. We went to a swing club to "observe". He was by my side the whole night and never showed interest in anyone or anything but me. He made me feel so secure that I was able to relax and enjoy the night. We danced and socialized and I discovered that swingers were normal people. After that night, I was the one who asked to return and the rest is history.

Good luck!

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