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How do I move past 'no'?

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I've read this site for 10 years and appreciate the information and sharing.

 

I realised around that time that I was very, very curious about the lifestyle and wanted to explore beyond the vanilla sexual relationship I have with my partner.

 

Over time I have shared with her my fantasies which include observing, going to parties and hanging out with open-minded people who are comfortable discussing sexual activity, going to erotic shows (hell burlesque would be fun I'm sure). Yes I've shared that I'm curious about group sex. Every time, every topic the answer has been 'no'. She is not willing to discuss and does not have fantasies. None. Zero.

 

This weekend we visited a European city for a short holiday and among all the tourist things to do there included a visit to a theatre with an adult show. Yes there was live (well I suspect simulated) sex but at the same time there was a guy dressed in a gorilla costume - all very theatrical and not to be taken seriously.

I told my partner that I'd like for us to go and just see what it was like. She agreed to go along and see. I thought that it might be fun and give us something to talk about - hell the sight of other normal regular people might help my partner see why I find non-vanilla sexual subject matter interesting. That evening over dinner I asked if she was still ok with going to the show later and she said yes. Her mood and body language completely changed when we got to the theatre. Despite the fact that it was clean, obviously a 'show' and there were other couples who looked just like us her body language completely changed and she refused to even take off her coat when we sat down. After a few minutes her phone rang and she said she had to leave because there was a problem at home. Stormed out of the theatre leaving me following feeling embarrassed and stupid.

 

So obviously my partner was not comfortable with this show and it blew into an argument. Of course. I said I was tired of trying to be open and honest with how I felt, I didn't know why she said yes when she meant no, I cannot read minds... and so on. She asked what I wanted and I said all I wanted was to live and explore and have fun so long as she was comfortable with it and was having fun too but I am tired of always being the one to initiate absolutely everything.

 

I want something different, my partner is not comfortable with that so I'm finally accepting that 10 years of trying to open up communication hasn't worked. I think it's time I moved on and dropped this. I'm weary of the constant 'no' and the refusal to even discuss. I'm not even talking about participating in swinging... I'm talking about exploring clubs, parties, shows. I've explained this. Repeatedly.

 

My question is this: do any of you have advice for one-side-of-the-couple who has to set aside their curiosity ? How do I park all of that and move on? My interests do not make her happy so it's time to stop.

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It's shame brain transplants aren't readily available. You could have her made over...:lol:

 

I've met other people like that who have completely shut themselves off in life. I can't pretend to understand their thinking.

 

You don't mention other issues such as children etc but frankly at this point if she wouldn't change I would also seriously evaluate whether it was appropriate to stay with her rather than a knee jerk reaction of just quitting. You also wouldn't be the first spouse to say "I'm doing this" do what you have to. And pursuing different interests regardless of fallout.

 

An unfulfilled life can be a terrible thing but then so can losing someone you care about very much.

 

I don't envy the situation you're in :(

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I'm not certain you can park your curiosity. It might depend on whether it is an intellectual interest or something more central to your character. And even if it is merely an intellectual interest, can you be detached enough about not having that interest respected that your feelings for your partner are not affected?

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Thank for the inputs. I'm not willing to lose her and I'm willing to try and park my curiosity for her.

Yes there have been times when I've wondered if I should have stuck it out so long but with kids etc I cannot allow my desires & interests to run slipshod over everyone else.

 

It might require a bunch of self-discipline - possibly even having to stop reading this site.

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I see an issue here larger than the fact that your wife has shown no sexual curiosity. She has completely ignored YOUR curiosity. I know you can't push her into doing something she doesn't want to do, but I think every request deserves full consideration and discussion.

 

Has she ever opened up as to why she is so uncomfortable with the idea? About why she doesn't want to explore sexuality? Is it a religious thing, a basic lack of biological interest, insecurity, or something else? If she hasn't even been willing to answer those questions after 10 years of you bringing it up every so often... I'd recommend counseling. She needs to be able to confide in you. If that means you need to build trust so she feels comfortable, do it. If that means that she needs to work on her own stuff so that she feels comfortable, then she needs to be willing to put that effort in for the sake of your relationship.

 

Personally, I would have a major problem with completely putting aside something about which I have intense interest/curiosity unless my partner gives me a reason. Valid or not, I'd need a reason.

 

I think it's awesome that you love her so much and are so committed. I wish you luck in figuring out a way to move forward.

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My question is this: do any of you have advice for one-side-of-the-couple who has to set aside their curiosity ? How do I park all of that and move on? My interests do not make her happy so it's time to stop.

 

Well, good for you to be willing to put it aside for her. As for dealing with the curiosity, that's why we have porn. Seriously. Before we got back into swinging, I found an outlet for my sexual curiosity by writing about it. Ended up writing some pretty good erotic fiction as a result, if I do say so myself. I'm not sure what would be a good outlet for you, but you might try to find a controlled outlet for your fantasies. Also, I would suggest not hiding it from your partner, but a the same time given her lack of comfort with the subject, also don't shove it in her face.

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Thanks for the responses. I'm thinking carefully about how to move forward from here.

 

I'm sure I could have handled this better and my partner will have a different perspective. I'm no angel I'm sure.

 

I don't want to paint my partner as a cold sexless person. She isn't. However it's clear to me that I've touched a boundary that piques my imagination but leaves her cold.

 

I'd do anything for her. I don't know if it's fair of me to ask the same of her. She didn't sign up for that :-)

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10 years is a long time to pursue something and ask for something and not get it. You've been patient and I have to say so has she. My guess as to why she said yes when she meant "no". She was tired of hearing it and hoped that maybe if she just said yes, you'd "shut up".

 

Sadly, you are, as you said, at a point where it's really time to just move on. I applaud you for putting your relationship and (hopefully) your love for your wife above your curiosity and desire. You are far from the only one who has spent years here living vicariously. There are even a few here who had wives who once loved swinging but for various reasons wanted it no more. Like you, these husbands set aside their desire to swing for their wives. They continue to live their fantasies vicariously through reading about it, watching porn, and in some cases even reliving their own experiences here. If you feel like you can do that and it not create a bigger issue in your marriage, then by all means please do. However, if you feel you have to set aside the entire idea of swinging and put it out of your mind, then you need to do so in every way. It's easy enough to avoid if you choose to.

 

 

susan here-- Change your environment, change your outcome.

 

Trying to figure out exactly what you are saying there. I'm going to guess that you mean the same thing I said at the end of my comment above. If not, please elaborate.

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Sounds like I am in a similar situation. My S.O. doesn't even want to talk about swinging in any way, getting very defensive any time I try to initiate any conversation. We have other issues and I have done some therapy, which she is also uninterested and defensive about. I Love her, am committed, and don't wish to jeopardize our relationship, but a few years ago I could no longer deny my curiosity. I have been swinging single (not easy for a M) occasionally ever since. It is quite an adventure and experience! I don't (yet) have any regrets. She knows, I'm sure, but is so closed to it that she never raises the subject. I know there will be consequences to my actions if she does inquire. For me -if I wasn't true to myself first, I couldn't see our relationship continuing anyway. Once I came to that realization my choice was obvious. I have experienced many sexual and relationship situations since and have learned a lot (including about myself). I haven't met anyone that challenges my desire to stay with my S.O. HOWEVER, being around so many openly loving, honest, and caring swinging couples makes me wish even more ardently that she would share this part of my life. I fantasize about seeing her fully relaxed, open, and accepting in the intense passion that can bring -something she will sadly never experience.

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....This situation sounds very much the same as my own....only difference....I was very upfront about my intentions right from just a few days after we had met.....my S.O. nearly bragged about having had threesomes in the past....making me believe that the future looked very good for my own fantasies and desires....nearly 11 years later I'm still being patient....if I send her an article from a swinger site to read and ask her to talk about it later she gets cold.....not sure what I'm gonna do...she won't even talk....and a few opportunities have arisen for me{she was there and refused to have anything at all to do with}...ended up turning into arguments which end with her reassuring me that we are gonna get involved in the lifestyle....but then the cycle simply starts again....I send a few things to read and she ignores them and me........my frustration is very high.....{the opportunities I speak of were not acted upon as I am an extremely faithful and honest individual}....I do not think that giving up is something I will be able to forgive myself for....I hate the options in front of me...and feel your pain......

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....This situation sounds very much the same as my own....only difference....I was very upfront about my intentions right from just a few days after we had met.....my S.O. nearly bragged about having had threesomes in the past....making me believe that the future looked very good for my own fantasies and desires....nearly 11 years later I'm still being patient....if I send her an article from a swinger site to read and ask her to talk about it later she gets cold.....not sure what I'm gonna do...she won't even talk....and a few opportunities have arisen for me{she was there and refused to have anything at all to do with}...ended up turning into arguments which end with her reassuring me that we are gonna get involved in the lifestyle....but then the cycle simply starts again....I send a few things to read and she ignores them and me........my frustration is very high.....{the opportunities I speak of were not acted upon as I am an extremely faithful and honest individual}....I do not think that giving up is something I will be able to forgive myself for....I hate the options in front of me...and feel your pain......

 

ejmac, situation is more similar than you know: We talked about it very early in our relationship too and she told me stories about her threesome experiences with a big grin! Mine told me she wanted to focus on our relationship first. 15 years later, I guess she's still focusing. I have continued to express my interest, e-mail, talk, even write and ask for talking with a therapist with arguments or ignoring being the result as you describe. Wish us all luck!

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Before I married I was a gamer by gamer I mean Dungeons and Dragons. I dated alot but always took one night a week to hang out with my friends and play D&D. When we were married my friends and I kind of lost contact. I was married and they were not. It turned out to be good for me because I convinced my wife to try playing D&D with me. At first she was intimidated by the rules, there are lots of rule books even back then. I taught her the basics and launched into a campaign of heroic rescues and deviant villans. She always enjoyed sifi and fantasy but this was not like reading but more like writing for her. We eventually took the role playing into the bedroom (after breaking in the kitchen table). Through that role playing we were able to open up and talk about what we both considered our deviant sexual desires. We are now starting to swing and are taking it slow. We will have been married 23 years this April. It's been a long journey for us but here we are. You may want to consider an RPG or reading the same erotic novels.

 

Roses Dagger

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You have been her ten years reading the forums. You already know the answer. This topic has been discussed Hundreds of times.

 

As Julie stated, you have done good for ten years in waiting but the waiting is over. She has no interest.

 

I would log out of this site and spend the rest of your life with your wife.

 

That is me. You do what works for you but I would not be prolonging the desires within by hanging out here if you wish to be happy with your wife.

 

Good luck to you no matter what you decide.

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Before I married I was a gamer by gamer I mean Dungeons and Dragons. I dated alot but always took one night a week to hang out with my friends and play D&D. When we were married my friends and I kind of lost contact. I was married and they were not. It turned out to be good for me because I convinced my wife to try playing D&D with me. At first she was intimidated by the rules, there are lots of rule books even back then. I taught her the basics and launched into a campaign of heroic rescues and deviant villans. She always enjoyed sifi and fantasy but this was not like reading but more like writing for her. We eventually took the role playing into the bedroom (after breaking in the kitchen table). Through that role playing we were able to open up and talk about what we both considered our deviant sexual desires. We are now starting to swing and are taking it slow. We will have been married 23 years this April. It's been a long journey for us but here we are. You may want to consider an RPG or reading the same erotic novels.

 

Roses Dagger

 

 

I hadn't thought of how meaningful that was to our ability to communicate on this and explore. I do feel at times, we spent more time hearing each other than in later years when you worked a lot and we didn't have a game session.

 

 

The Rose

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I've always liked reptiles and wanted a snake for a pet since I was a child.

My wife absolutely hates them out of fear and is steadfast in not having one.

I've never had a snake as a pet, but we have talked about it, perhaps not seriously, but talked about it.

 

What always confuses me in these stories isn't the fact the wife isn't interested in swinging, but the lack of communication. My wife and I have had bumpy times where sex was part of the issue. We were still able to talk about it though, and try to find solutions. We can talk about anything together, sometimes we have to drag each other into the conversation, but we still get there.

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