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What are some good ways to ask a vanilla couple if they are swingers or would like to try swinging?

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jandn269 said:
What are some good ways to ask a vanilla couple if they are or would like to try swinging?

 

Build up to the question slowly, asking many questions, and phrasing them in such a way that they can't be answered with "yes" or "no." Your goal is to establish comfortable communication with them, not to convince. Our favorite way of phrasing was, "How do y'all feel about ....?"

 

"... motorcycling?"

"... Italian food?"

"... dancing?"

"... youth sports?

"... flirting?"

"... needle crafts?"

"... breast augmentation?"

"... nude sunbathing?"

"... pre-marital sex?"

"... communication in marriage?"

"... extra-marital sex?"

"... bi-sexuality in women?"

 

Sit down with your husband and make a list of questions you might ask, ranging from the mundane to the outrageous. Memorize them and be prepared if a good opportunity presents itself. When you pose questions, watch for signs of discomfort. Do they laugh at sex jokes? Do they use expletives? Do they talk often about "God?" Do they offer negative views of sex? Don't close your mind to "red flags." If the woman rarely talks, be especially careful with your questions.

 

Once both couples have become comfortable with communication, (It may take months!) and you find they are at ease talking about sex, you can ask, "How do y'all feel about swinging?" depending on your evaluation of their previous answers. Both of you should ask early "get to know you" questions, but the wife should ask the last one. Women are not perceived to be the perverts men are. :)

 

Our answers ran the gamut from "We'd NEVER even consider it!!!" (Mrs. Alura knew better than to ask that time but did it anyway. She thought we'd never see them again; she was right.) to "I've thought about it." followed by a night of sex. Our favorite reply was "Wow! We've been wanting to try that for years! Do y'all swing?"

 

Be careful to learn early-on how likely you are to receive a positive reply. Don't ask if you think the reply will be negative.

 

Be ever alert to strike up conversations with couples you meet. We once met a couple while standing in line waiting for tables at a restaurant. We ended up sharing a table, a long conversation, and each others' mates.

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NWAtlSwing said what I was going to say. But since it was said, I'll say why.

 

We made that mistake once and it was a HUGE. Not only did we lose those friends, but our circle of friends found out about us.

 

It wasn't so bad at first, they accepted we swung and said they weren't interested so we left it alone. But then both members of that couple started becoming more sexually dare when around us. We took that as a good sign. They started asking questions and we happily supplied them with answers.

 

Little did we know the female of that couple had not only NOT been interested in swinging she planned to out us as a swinging couple.

Everyone found out. these had been very close friends of ours and we had thought there was a sincere interest in taking up the lifestyle.

Our mistake cost us our lives there. We had to move and come up with lies as to why everything that people had heard about us were not true, or taken out of context. Being in the same group of friends, it was a horrible experience and one will never ever repeat again, nor do we wish it upon anyone else.

 

If there was a percent ratio as to how often this worked compared to didn't work, I'd say didn't work is WAY higher then worked. It is not not NOT NOT worth it. Trust me!!!

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Ed here---A 'vanilla' mindset can accept extramarital affairs, lying, sleeping with your best friend's spouse and more, but consensual sex between married friends in a dynamic of honesty and transparency is beyond them intellectually and psychologically.

 

And, what people do not understand, they tend to want to destroy, like the lives of 'MissConfused'.

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JandN didn't ask whether they should ask the couple or not. The question was how to do it. I restricted my answer to the question.

 

We never had any real problems. Now, I'll admit that my wife's ability to read people was extraordinary which is one reason why I left the question to her. I'd never have dared to ask it.

 

The one time she had a really bad reaction was when she asked a couple we met 500 miles away from home and knew almost nothing about. There was little risk since they lived in California and we in Oklahoma.

 

She asked another couple we'd just met and were not likely to see again and got a much more enthusiastic response.

 

There were also a lot of friends who were never asked. To this day I don't think they know. (Unless they've found us, and now me, here.) :)

 

But it no longer matters, does it?

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We have on quite a few ocasions asked the "question" but never of people we were close to. In another post I described how we got into swinging and that I am not counting as those were people we were close to but that was done in a way that would not out us per say.

 

We have picked up vanillas in a bar setting both here and while away from home. In our local area we will "feel" people out as Alura has eluded to, and then Leah will ask the question. If we are away from home and not likely to see these people again we are much more forward. We will ask them to dance, and see what thier reaction to getting close on the dance floor is. If we are feeling "good" vibes from them we just come out and ask. "hey would the two of you like to join us for some naked fun in our room?"

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Yes I suppose I was off topic, regardless I think it good to share a negative personal experience as well. Because it could go either way, especially if the OP is thinking about approaching close friends on the subject.

 

And well said EC. It's true. Our ex old circle of friends take cheating spouses much more lightly then us condemned swingers.

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Even with good questioning and being good at reading people you can be wrong.

 

Earlier in our LS experiences we were at a local bar frequented by swingers, in fact on an average weekend 1/3 to 1/2 the patrons are swingers. We met a couple, who was sitting right in the middle of the swingers group. We were new back then and did not know all, or even many, of the players. We started talking with them and everything about them said swinger. Their dress, conversation, flirtatiousness, playful touching and on and on. Including many of Alura's topics that might indicate open mindedness. At one point she had her hands on my legs and ass as we played pool and she was talking about sex, and hinting about it between us. He had his arm around my wife and was close in when talking to her. The Mrs. and I thought BINGO we found a good swinging couple.

 

As the evening progressed the other lady asked if we knew this was a swingers bar, we answered that we had been told that with a big grin on our face. And out of no where she started telling us how she couldn't believe people did that. We thought she might be testing us to see if we were swingers, so our answers where very supportive of people in the LS. Then they started back peddling, realizing we were ONE OF THEM.

 

To this day I am not sure if we completely misread things or if it was some type of trap to try and convince swingers we are bad people. Either way, we never saw them again. We also learned a huge lesson. We talking swinging with people we know are swingers and no one else.

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Again, JandN asked about "good ways" to ask, not "perfect" ones. It goes without saying that there is always a risk. The best we can hope to do is minimize it.

 

I guess to summarize, one might say, "Learn as much as you can. If you think asking is likely to bring trouble, don't ask. Even if you're 'pretty sure', you could be wrong."

 

There are no guarantees in life, let me assure you.

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It really depends a lot on the situation.

 

If it's someone you don't really know well and won't have to deal with later, just ask them. Nothing to lose.

 

If it's a friend or someone you know well, you have to ask if it's worth it. Is it worth losing a friend or worth the possibility of them spreading the info that you are a swinger.

 

If I were going to ask someone, I'd do it casually. "Hey did you see that show on swingers?" and see where the conversation goes then ask if they'd ever do something like that.

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We'd have a lot more struggle delving anywhere into this amongst friends or anyone in social circles that we are in. For me it really wouldn't matter, to be honest I think some of my guy friends already suspect it. And I'm self-employed, so I dont have a workplace to worry about. My wife is a nurse, and while there are a ton of nurses in the lifestyle, it's not something you would want brought up in that gossip festival they call the hospital.

 

We have talked with and approached some vanillas, but only single males successfully. We approached some couples too, all of them put up the boundaries though at dirty dancing.

 

So for us I would say take it slow. Let out a few hints, dance with some contact, see what they act like. If they appear to be interested, ask them something. I also think it's best to have the wife do this with the wife, a lot less chance of something going amiss that way.

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Strip away the details, and the question is about values--yours and theirs. As EdisonCarter points out, the swinger value system is orthogonal to that of the Hypocrites and the Puritans.

 

The Hypocrites are fine with cheating as long as no one gets caught or, if they do, there is a juicy divorce that can be gossiped about.

 

The Puritans are at best lukewarm on sexual activity even within marriage.

 

The idea that couples can and do enjoy sex with others purely for pleasure, and moreover do so in a way that does not devalue either partner is often difficult for them to comprehend. (It was difficult for most to comprehend before we started down this path, wasn't it?)

 

Telling them that your values differ from theirs "lets the genie out of the bottle". Once out, he doesn't go back inside. And as many posters point out, friendships can quickly be lost.

 

Truly vanilla folks do not want to know that they know lifestylers.

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