Being Stalked...

Well, it’s official… I’m being stalked. Don’t ask me why I’m telling you all this; I just figured I’d bounce it off your brains for some feedback. Besides, other than a political forum, I don’t really have an outlet for this outside of my own little world. If you’ve had some experiences with this kind of thing, I’d be interested to hear your story. In reality, there are two reasons why I figured I’d post this here, but we’ll get those in a little bit.

The Story:

About two months ago our department got a new administrator. I She’s 36; a striking (Hispanic) woman with a pretty sharp personality and a very dry, but consistent sense of humor. I’d have to say that within a week of her arrival the nurses and clerks started making fun of her, but not in the way that one would make fun of someone because they look or act weird, but rather because she is very forward and extremely business oriented; a professional if you will. Our last administrator was an older gentlemen who was easy going and let a lot of stuff slide, and he was pretty much always AWOL when you needed him for something (probably had something to do with him moving on), so the two are polar opposites.

In any case, during introductions she came into my office with her assistant to meet me. We had some brief business talk: “What do you do? Where did you go to school? How can we support your office? Stuff like that. Well, I’m not the talking type when I’m at work (I know, hard to believe when you read my thousand word essays on here, right?). My PA, two interns, and our nurse call me "Dr. Monosyllabic" because I tend to use one word to get my point across. Yes, I’m friendly, but only when it’s time to be friendly- and if you’ve ever worked in the medical field, it’s extremely busy ALL day and ALL night, so you adapt to being short because your brain is ten moves ahead of your current state, so there’s really not a lot of time for water cooler talk unless you like working 18 hour days. Anyway, after the brief conversation she looked around my office, gave me a quick blank stare and strutted off.

I didn’t think anything of it until a week later when she saw me in my office doing notes. She popped in and asked me if I was busy, and I told her "not really," and that I could use a break for bit before my eyes popped out of my head. So she walks in, asks if she could sit down (which I acknowledge) and starts asking me about where I grew up. Noticing the Steeler paraphernalia around my office she asks the ultimate “blonde question:” “Are you a Steelers fan?” I say yes, and she immediately launches into a five minute story about how her father is a Steeler fan and how much she loves football Sundays. To make small talk I simply asked her what teams her and her husband rooted for- and THAT was my first mistake. “Oh, well, I’m single now… got divorced a little over a year ago. Things just didn’t work out. His career went one way, and mine the other, so we both agreed to call it quits while we were still relatively young." I kind of sidestepped the follow-up question to that and made small talk about the dismal start to Pittsburgh’s season this far. In all, we chatted for about 10 minutes before I excused myself to get back to my notes.

Now, this is where it starts getting weird. Aside from the daily “Hellos” and “How you doing Doc?” I started to notice that she would stare at me: stare at me during staff meetings, stare at me when I did rounds with my team in the morning, and just generally stare at me in general! Strange! Then came the phone calls. At first they were business related; asking me how many hours for this case, what’s the prognosis for that case, or how soon until you discharge Mrs. Smith? Two weeks ago the calls start getting longer; she asks about the business, and then she asks about different stuff: personal opinions, decision making choices on her part, how to deal with the other administrators and staff- stuff like that. Not too unusual… until she starts throwing out personal bits of info here and there like; “I went out for a drink this weekend and this is a boring place, do you know of any good spots?” Or “I spent last night in my tub with steaming hot water listening to jazz- do you like Jazz, Doc Will?” And then the bombshell: “I’m seriously going crazy here. Every time I go out I’m surrounded by privates (we work work in a military hospital) who think they’re going to take me home… not that I haven’t considered it once or twice.” I thought that was a little inappropriate, but shrugged it off because my brain was elsewhere. Later in the week she “popped” in my office, which is now a usual occurrence, and asked me what there was to do around here to break the stress. So, being a polite professional I suggested some hiking trails, brewery tours, trips to the city, etc. She thanked me for the information.

Last week, I noticed (after hind-sight) that we were walking into work at the same time- four days in a row. Prior to that, I never saw her, and I go to work about one hour before I’m scheduled, which is two hours before her work day starts. First red flag. On Tuesday of last week, after a staff meeting, she stops me before I go onto my office and says “Doc Will, you’re and excellent leader and the staff respects you. I just wanted you to know that I’m grateful to be working with you.” On Wednesday she substituted the word “excellent” with “awesome” and went on to tell me that men in general could learn a thing or two from me. On Thursday, she “popped” into my office and asked me what kind of plans I had for the long weekend. By this time I’m fully aware that she’s dropping the subtle hints: she wants “Doc Cock.” So in a rather long explanation I tell her that MY FAMILY and I were going camping (we have a house on a lake, so camping is a poor word) Thursday and Friday night; which led to a discussion of my children’s ages. She did not ask me anything about my wife. Red Flag number two. Taking note of that, I told her that on Saturday Mrs. Will and I were going to a bar/club about 45 minutes away to listen to some live music and dance a little with another couple (vanilla). She asked the name of the bar and I almost bit my tongue after I told her.

Needless to say, she was at the club on Saturday night- alone. She was wearing a very nice evening dress with high heels, had her long black hair teased, and wore a low cut “v” that exposed her back all the way down to her hips. She looked awesome- very hot. Now, before you ask, I did tell Mrs. Will about her, Mrs. Will is not the jealous type, so she simply told me, “shit happens and you know it, just don’t go thinking you’re going on any business trips with her"- all said with a smile. Anyway, she saw us at the bar. I told Mrs. Will who immediately punched me in my arm and told me I needed to find ugly co-workers from now on. After about 20 minutes of awkwardness, Mrs. Will told me to invite her to our table. I argued, stating that wasn’t a wise decision because the girl is seriously stalking me. Mrs. Will laughed, got up, and asked her to join us.

We all had a pretty good conversation about a great many things and the night ended uneventfully. Mrs. Will told me that she thought my admin manager was “hot.” I told Mrs. Will- “Don’t even think about it!

So Today rolls around, and after morning rotation… guess who “pops” in my office? She thanked me and the Mrs. for hanging out with her… and then, as I KNEW she would, started commenting on how good looking my wife is and that we make a very nice couple. I told her thank you and gave her a brief 18-year history lesson on how much we love each other… fully hoping to squash any ideas she had about trying to wiggle her way into my pants. BUT! The next words out of her mouth were what blew me away. She asked me to talk to my wife to see if she would be interested in going to the gym together (something they had discussed on Saturday night).

I told Mrs. Will and she simply smiled and told me to give her (my admin) her (Mrs. Will’s) business card.

FIGURE THAT ONE OUT!! You may see where this is heading, but one of our steadfast rules is NOT to shit where you eat. Mrs. Will assures me that she likes the woman and saw some "friend potential," and is willing to give her a chance since she’s new to area. Here’s the kicker, both women almost mirror each other in their personality- both professionally and personally.

I’ll have to keep the reins on Mrs. Will for this I think, but I thought it was interesting enough to share. Before we got into the LS this would have been a non-issue, but now that we’re both a little wilder, and that temptation is a BITCH to begin with, I’m going to have put my foot down if and when the time comes. I just hope it doesn’t.

I thought this was a good example of how the LS fucks with your head.

Thanks for reading!

If I can beat your amazing life to its Hollywood ending, Mrs. Will dumps DocWill, leaving him holding his catheter, and rides off into the sunset with his muy caliente stalker.

Any other ending is much too predictable. LOL! Good luck with this one!

Hide the kid's rabbits.

Sounds to me that she is a very needy, lonely women that is new to the area and going a bit overboard to find friends she feels are on her level.

Some call it stocking, some would think she just does not know what to do being single without any friends.

As you say, hard to have a life in the medical field and she does not know how to handle this.

Hopefully your wife will keep the lines clear with the "hot" work friend.

"Taking note of that, I told her that on Saturday Mrs. Will and I were going to a bar/club about 45 minutes away to listen to some live music and dance a little with another couple (vanilla)."

Did you tell her this when you were already uncomfortable? Honestly, it sounds like more of a swinger move toward an interesting vanilla. And she does sound interesting.

If she's truly making you uncomfortable, then you need to say something. The "S" word shouldn't be taken lightly. On the other hand, if she's sending you the signals that she's interested, and you're simply not going to to "go there" with her, you may want to let her know that. You're not sending a clear "No." You may be unwittingly stringing her along. Surely you're capable of drawing boundaries and letting her down in a gracious manner.

Hmm.. Yeah this would all be a dream if she wasnt a coworker/administrator..

Not an easy thing to deal with either, because she doesn't seem to mind the fact that you work together, and considering she is a gal and you are a guy, the he said/she said routine might not end up going very well if it came down to that.

You have to make a choice. Either put the foot down and make it obvious and known that you arent interested in anything beyond a working relationship, or continue to blur the line between recreation and work.

I do believe you are (maybe unwittingly) putting out little feelers here and there to keep her going along. Yes she's probably ignoring any stop signals you are sending too.

Back when I worked in an office I found myself in this situation several times. In some cases I knew I was flirty and encouraging it. And in others I didnt think I was, but in hindsight, I probably was sending mixed signals.

Well, it’s official… I’m being stalked..... My PA, two interns, and our nurse ...

From a fellow physician...

I think your principle of keeping work and play separate is important. Should anything evolve, the likelihood of the relationship remaining secret is about zero.

As I see it, the choice is simple. She can be your administrator. She can be your playmate. She cannot be both.

If she is an excellent administrator that you want to keep, I would steer clear of LS activities and find her a playmate outside the practice. If she is an average administrator that could work well in another practice, have a sit-down with her and offer her the options.

Good luck, tell us how it plays out.

Are you sure she's stalking you, Doc? You told her where you and your wife were going. Perhaps she thought it was an invitation.

Maybe she's just trying to be friendly to the folks she's forced to work with.

Alura

First, let me thank those of you who took my story seriously. I have a pretty easy time picking apart other people’s problems and offering advice, but when it comes to my own “issues,” I have a tough time dissecting the pieces and tend to look at the bigger picture. So thanks for your feedback.

The first thing I looked at was: if she wasn’t attractive, would I have entertained, tolerated, or even noticed her behavior as being flirty or potentially needy?

You would think that the answer was a no-brainer, but it wasn’t. I’m clearly more standoffish to attractive people than I am with average or unattractive people. If she was, say… not my type, I would have been pretty open with her, and would have even probably invited her to join us at the bar (we don’t have a senior/subordinate relationship at work so I don’t think any ethical lines would have been crossed). Now, I don’t know if I’m that way because I’m afraid of stepping into a potential situation where my professional (and personal) values could be compromised, or because I have a chip on my shoulder against attractive women. Right now I think it’s the latter, and I can trace that back as far as I can remember. No, I was never jilted by a hot woman or turned down because I wasn’t up to someone’s standards. My reason revolves around the FACT that attractive people tend to have an easier time in the workplace- and especially in the military, than the average person. I’ve seen it happen too many times to think otherwise. So I don’t think I “led her on” by any means, and in the past; when I’ve had attractive subordinates or coworkers, they usually get the hint and remain at an arm’s length. And for the record, most of my past and current lover(s) have been pretty stunning in my opinion, so I have to conclude that my actions were principal based. Besides, I would NEVER want to jeopardize my marriage… and quite frankly, I have absolutely NO reason to even consider that as an option.

The second thing I looked at was her personality. She’s got it together. She dresses sharp, she’s very articulate, she’s extremely professional (at least she is in front of the staff), and she obviously takes care of herself. Basically, she doesn’t fit the “needy” bill. In my experience, needy women (or men for that matter) tend to make themselves the center of attention with anyone that remotely entertains them. She’s not like that. There are plenty of other people in my department who would GLADLY cater to her- including other physicians and physician assistants (people on her level) who are not only single, but openly cross professional standards in the work place, as well as moral standards in their personal lives. No, she picked me for some reason- and it certainly wasn’t because I was catering to an inferiority complex or a case of low self-esteem, because those qualities in a person (no matter how insensitive you might think I am) push my buttons in the wrong direction.

The last thing I looked at (and it’s obvious to me now after reading some of your responses), was: is my “swinger brain” operating in my subconscious? The answer to that is YES. Holy shit! So, lustylearning wins the prize on that one. I wasn’t even aware of that possibility until I read her post. Some of you might laugh at that revelation, but it’s true. I usually catch myself when this happens and I think most of us newbies do it; like wondering who MIGHT swing, or how cool it would be to seduce another person/couple. Here’s why I think lusty was right: typically people I’m/we’re interested are sexual objects to us. Spare me the lecture because I know objectification has a negative slant to it, but it’s true. That’s why “sex sells” in this country. When the other person/couple is/are an object(s) we (Mrs. Will and I) can draw the line almost immediately. However, with this woman, there’s a lot more to her than good looks. Her conversation and ability to insert personal qualities about her into our working relationship took it to another level- and I didn’t even realize it… and neither did Mrs. Will until we had the same discussion a few minutes before I wrote this reply. She went from object to "interesting," and THAT'S what threw us off.

Now, how do we deal with this? I think the answer is pretty clear, and because Mrs. Will and I have a not-so-good history with giving into temptation, enjoy the art of seduction so much, and because this woman clearly goes against one of our steadfast rules, we’re going to put our our feet down and do the right thing. Luckily I didn’t give her Mrs. Will’s card before I had a chance to read the forum. We’ve both agreed that I’ll simply tell her that my wife and I feel more comfortable not mixing our working relationships with our personal lives- which we really don’t.

Again, thanks for the insight, all. I knew there was a reason we keep coming back here!

I'm leaning more to Vegas Lee's take on the situation. But the proposted response is still the best one anyway.

Absorbing all the posts above, I'd say treat the woman as though no innuendo's are ever presented, other than what would be shared between platonic friends. As Lee pointed out, she truly might just be looking for outlets, and more of this may be in your mind than you think, as flattering as it is. Only if she crosses the unspoken line in the sand should you kindly inform her that while she is nice, and attractive, taking it further is just something you won't do.

Over time, be it weeks or months, eventually her affinity for you [if that's what truly is] will wane, if you don't play into her sexual attention. If you remove the food bowl outside, the stray cat will stop coming around eventually after it gets the message.

With that said, and in your own words about her being upstanding, heigenic and articulate, am I wrong to guess that perhaps you are a bit afraid of your own temptation to take her up on any sexual invitations you're getting?

Absorbing all the posts above, I'd say treat the woman as though no innuendo's are ever presented, other than what would be shared between platonic friends. As Lee pointed out, she truly might just be looking for outlets, and more of this may be in your mind than you think, as flattering as it is. Only if she crosses the unspoken line in the sand should you kindly inform her that while she is nice, and attractive, taking it further is just something you won't do.

 

Over time, be it weeks or months, eventually her affinity for you [if that's what truly is] will wane, if you don't play into her sexual attention. If you remove the food bowl outside, the stray cat will stop coming around eventually after it gets the message.

 

With that said, and in your own words about her being upstanding, heigenic and articulate, am I wrong to guess that perhaps you are a bit afraid of your own temptation to take her up on any sexual invitations you're getting?

Lizandtom,

I apologize for not getting back to this thread; it's been a very hectic couple of weeks (due to work) and my free time has been limited.

Since this situation presented itself, pretending that the innuendos never happened is exactly what I've done. The woman remains overly friendly (my perception), but after I explained that Mrs. Will and I don't mix work with our private lives the innuendos stopped. I don’t know if she finally got the point or just moved her attention elsewhere. I’m thinking it’s the latter simply because she’s got A LOT of options and A LOT of attention in this area (we’re pretty isolated here; lots of guys, very few single, professional women).

To answer your last question: that’s exactly what I (we) were afraid of after reading one of the comments posted in this thread. For two intelligent and perceptive people, we can be pretty shallow when it comes to personal interpretations- and the more obvious they are in reality, the harder it is for us to make the connection. I don’t want to go so far as to say that Mrs. Will and I have made it our MO, but most of our trysts with a third playmate have involved casual friends that we’ve seduced (and I use that word in the old style… when seduction was more of an art; not as a means to an end as it is today). I think we would have done the same thing with her since her attraction to me was obvious and because Mrs. Will’s attraction to her was completely physical at first. Our “Neanderthal brains” would have eventually led us down “that road,” and it was simply not worth the risk. Besides, we have our hands full as it is… and taking on another lover would have been selfish, gluttonous… and quite honestly, irresponsible.

Some people might think we’re being a little presumptuous, or maybe even a little conceited here, but we have far more to lose by being shortsighted. What if Vegas Lee was right; that she was simply a lonely woman looking for friends… and we made a move on her? I don’t even want to think about the negative repercussions on that one.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read the thread… and thanks for your advice and insight.

Hide the kid's rabbits.

Ok, this is the second time I'm reading about the kid's rabbits, someone please enlighten me, what's the punch line with this story?

Link?

magiriano: Fatal Attraction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

magiriano: Fatal Attraction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Ed here-- You finally gave her a clear message and she responded appropriately and is leaving you alone. She is (was) simply a solitary woman trying to build a post divorce network of friends. Perhaps she did have sexual goals, but based on what I read, there was nothing overt, but a lot that could be misunderstood. I think the best evidence you have that nothing was really going on was that once you explained where the boundary was, she accepted it. What would really be funny is if all the times you thought she was staring at you she was wondering why you were looking at her. Life can be a comedy of errors.