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MasterHack2007

Wife cheated. What to do and where to go from here?

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So we have been in the lifestyle for roundabout 5 years or so with no issues. We rarely play with anybody due in part to location (lack of lifestyle opportunities where we live) and because we just don't look that hard to find it. We mostly play together but are allowed to play separately with certain stipulations.

 

For me, I have to have permission beforehand and she must know everything upfront and it must be a one time thing. For her I always told her as long as I knew about it it didn't matter before or after and I don't have a preference if she keeps a "boyfriend" on the side as long as I know about it.

 

Well about a year ago she was forced to go back to work due to money problems. I never really thought anything about her working up to an hour later than her shift at the convenience store, but I always picked on her jokingly that she was just going to see her boyfriend/girlfriend everyday. Then she came home with a hickey. I again jokingly told her she needed to tell him to stop sucking her neck. She lied tried to tell me I left it there days ago when we last had sex (she never allows me to suck her neck due to working in public and not wanting hickeys). I didn't say anything, but made it clear through my actions I knew she was lying.

 

That night and the whole next day as I continued poking and joking about a boyfriend she continued to lie. Finally I couldn't stand it any further. I said something about her having a boyfriend and she denied it. I responded with "Lie to me when you don't come home with a fucking hickey!" forcefully and dropping any playful manner. She continued to deny it. After thirty minutes or so she tried to tell me a customer came onto her in the parking lot and while telling him she wouldn't cheat he left the hickey. Another lie.

 

She eventually came clean, but claims it was a one-time thing. After all the lies and the fact the night in question she got home approximately the same time as usual I can't believe that. I can't believe that she lied over something I have told her for years was fine if she wasn't protecting some sort of relationship. She claims it was out of guilty feelings with it being her first solo excursion. I feel I gave her plenty of chances to come clean even though I was hurt from the initial lie.

 

What are yall's take on the situation? Oh, and to be clear I only consider it cheating due to the lying, in truth the sex doesn't bother me in the least.

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My late wife and I pledged to each other that we would never become angry because a question was asked and that we would always answer truthfully.

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I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

For whatever reason she is not being honest with you. Maybe she feels that when you are joking/teasing you are not being sincere and she thinks you are covering jealousy with lightness? Maybe she has feelings for the person she was cheating with and she feels guilty about that? The only way to know is to talk with her in a straightforward, serious manner. no joking, no teasing. Just lay out that you feel betrayed that she disregarded the rules you made together and lied to you.

 

I think you really need to get to the bottom of why she decided to have the affair and why she didn't want to tell you and then why she would lie to you. Where does she think your relationship is going?

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Guest Zonapellucida

I am the female side and I don't think she cheated per se if an understanding stood. However, women look at sex solo and not in a swinging atmosphere - feelings of guilt and an insecurity about your reaction may have led to a lie. Once she started, she was stuck in it. Discuss the details without berating her or she will not want to share with you ever. Methinks jealousy may be bothering you. Figure out why you both handled this the wrong way and move on.

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Somewhere within your story there is a question, I'll speculate. If the question is whether or not the permissions that you and your S.O. have given each other should continue, The answer is no.

 

It's time to put nearly everything else in you lives aside and work on repairing your relationship.

 

It needs to be either this posted above. Or end it. Decision is yours and only yours to make. She did it once...The 2nd time is always easier. I don't envy your situation, and I'm so very sorry she did this to your relationship. Regardless of what happens, I hope your heart heals just fine. I'm sure you love her. But there are plenty of fish in the sea.

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I know continuing a swinger relationship at this point is impossible because there is not trust, my main question is can trust actually be rebuilt? Am I wasting my time going off of emotion and the fact I love her despite the betrayal? If we ever get back into swinging my rules for her will obviously be tightened, but that in itself screams the trust will never be equal to what it was. I am just lost and don't know how to go forward. At the moment we are continuing a relationship with the understanding that I can't trust her at all right now I'm still hurt and I don't know how to begin working through that. She is lost because other than being honest from this point forward there's nothing to rebuild trust and I'm not sure that is enough. She claims hiding was due to feeling guilty that she felt she betrayed me even though I have told her forever she had permission as long as she told me directly after or before it didn't matter.

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I could even deal with or believe this probably if she hadn't compounded the lie with a fake story about her turning him down in the parking lot while he tried kissing her and sucking her neck.

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Long talk. It going to take a long talk and many of them.

 

I believe trust can be rebuilt. Part of it will depend on how she responds in the Long talks. You, and only you, can judge if she is telling you the truth during the talks. You will have to pay a lot of attention.

 

Maybe she did feel like she betrayed you... Hence the lie. Can you accept that? I think I could if it all comes out now, all of it honestly. It was sort of a white lie since she already had permission. I can almost understand her living about it. She still had trouble believing it wouldn't hurt you and it was easier to lie.

 

Now none of this makes it right... But all relationships are worth working on and yes... Trust can be rebuilt. We are human... We make stupid mistakes... We deserve second chances... Counseling can probably help here the most.

 

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you. I know it will be difficult but keep us informed and let this group be some of your support.

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Things are strange... I can act normal play the role, but it doesn't feel right. She truly is repentant I think and slipping into old roles is a relief to her and maybe a hindrance to forward progress. We have talked at length multiple times and I want to believe what she says, but I can't get that thought that she was protecting either a future or existing relationship by lying that was worth risking out relationship by doing the one thing I always told her was a deal breaker(lying) I never thought It was possible to love someone so much yet at the same time hate them the way I do. I want everything back to normal more than anything in the world. Hell I even wish he hadn't given her the hickie so I never knew she was lying and betraying me. I want to believe she is finally being honest but with the second huge lie compounding the first all I can think is telling me it was a one time thing is the same self preservation type of lie

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Hang in there. It is going to take some time. Everything is fresh and raw right now. You are going to,have to see some actions to go along with words before you can start to believe.

 

Don't give up too easily. As long as you feel the love it's not over. If that goes away, you will have other decisions to make.

 

Don't pretend. Everything must be honest between you two. Feelings and emotions are raw and things will flair. Both of you need to understand that and be able to let things go without flashing back. Don't say something you will regret later but at the same time you must be open.

 

Easy? Hell no. But for love it is all worth it and only you truly know if it is love.

 

Counseling will help you decide how to handle all of this. One of the things that I have always found counseling helpful for was a place to vent, and an understanding that I was normal in my feelings. It night not work out in the long run but you will always know that you gave it your all.

 

Good luck. We are here to listen. All can still be good even though painful for a while.

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Hi, MasterHack2007. Your story hits close to home for me because not only have I been the cheater, but I've been cheated on as well. When you wrote:

 

I never thought It was possible to love someone so much yet at the same time hate them the way I do.

 

I had to respond because I felt that exact same way when I found out the second time that Mr. Sun cheated on me. For me, I had Mr. Sun's forgiveness of me to fall back on. At the time, I had determined that if Mr. Sun had the strength to want to continue to be with me after my indiscretion, then I needed to also find that same strength for our relationship.

 

However, for you and many others, there isn't that "fall-back". There are no assurances that you two can bounce back from this. Whichever road you take will be very rocky. The rebuilding of trust can take years or never come back. Eventually, you will had to take the leap of faith to trust her again...that is what I had to do.

 

What ever you two decide, my thoughts are with you and I wish you the best.

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At this point, as was stated, this is all too new. There are too many emotions involved to make a decision you will have to live with forever. I suggest you continue, day to day for awhile and see if you can see yourself with her. Sunbuckus, as well as my wife, decided to try to fix it and make it work. Thank goodness the first impulse was not followed.

 

People make mistakes. Some are huge. Still, we are only human. I hope you can make it work with her.

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I would like to echo the sentiments to take your time and not make any rash decisions right now. Counseling, separate and together may help you be able to talk about the issues and how to go forward.

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We have spent time together and its as comforting to me now as it is to her to continue forward and try and work on the trust issue... I'm still unsure, I have moments were there's a touching live scene on TV that they talk about trust or devotion that I am fighting back tears wishing we had the perfect relationship that doesn't exist. I think we can work through it even though all my instincts say to run, and my natural personality is I'm hurt hurt them worse...(I've apologized for this initial reaction even if deserved (mutual agreement) it was never productive and juvenile. We are working it out I still want to accuse her and distrust everything she says. I'm not doing that. I am fighting my instinct and logic and working hard to suppress my mistrust and allow our new relationship to prosper.

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I am fighting my instinct and logic and working hard to suppress my mistrust and allow our new relationship to prosper

 

Don't suppress this. This is exactly what you should share with her. This will create the intimacy you need to rebuild trust. She has to know how you feel and only when she gets what it's done to you can you move forward.

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Don't worry too much about those perfect loving trustful relationships on tv. They are as fake as the photoshopped model photos in the magazines. They are setting up expectations that cannot be loved up to and if you try you will set yourself up for failure.

 

For the record I would love to have that perfect relationship too. I have just come to realize that it isn't possible. They aren't real.

 

I don't see a problem at this stage of accusing her and distrusting what she says. That is the stage you are in. I think that you need to be open and honest with her about what you are feeling. Just don't be nasty about it. You can't work through those feelings alone. She has to be part of it and she also has to have an understanding of what you are reeling to help you through it. This is not on you... Or her... It is on both of you together. That is the only way it will work.

 

Good luck and sincerely hope that all works out for you two. Based upon all that you have told us it sounds very much like it will be worth it in the long run.

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Don't worry too much about those perfect loving trustful relationships on tv. They are as fake as the photoshopped model photos in the magazines. They are setting up expectations that cannot be loved up to and if you try you will set yourself up for failure.

 

For the record I would love to have that perfect relationship too. I have just come to realize that it isn't possible. They aren't real.

 

I don't see a problem at this stage of accusing her and distrusting what she says. That is the stage you are in. I think that you need to be open and honest with her about what you are feeling. Just don't be nasty about it. You can't work through those feelings alone. She has to be part of it and she also has to have an understanding of what you are reeling to help you through it. This is not on you... Or her... It is on both of you together. That is the only way it will work.

 

Good luck and sincerely hope that all works out for you two. Based upon all that you have told us it sounds very much like it will be worth it in the long run.

 

Have wrote, erased rewrote, then read this. it's going on three years since N cheated and there are still days where I look at him and say "I'm feeling mad about it...or I will tell him I am feeling insecure and need him to hold me and reassure me. it is with this kind of honesty that we have rebuilt our relationship, so no, you should not repress your feeling of mistrust, rather just state calmly that you are having difficulty at the moment and need extra reassurance good luck to you!

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Well I have to say I didn't listen. I ignored probably every mental health professional type advise and I bottled it up and tried to move on as if it never happened. It festered, and my feelings only got worse because she seemed perfectly happy and perfectly fine, like it never happened.

 

While I was dying inside. The night before last I decided to search her phone for the second time because I couldn't stop myself. I found a snapchat I missed the first time, because I didn't think to look through all her apps.

 

It turned out she had one faceless friend with of course no chat history (I think that's by design of the app I'm not familiar with it other than I understand it to be a sexting picture app). I confronted her about it. All the while the feelings I had been suppressing suddenly seemed to amplify by a million.

 

She said it was an old common acquaintance from school. So I facebook messaged him asking if he had ever spoken to my on the app and if the screen name belonged to him. While awaiting a response my emotions got the better of me. I could not control them any longer and voiced all my suspicions and demanded information so I could contact or track down the person she cheated with. That way I could confirm her story and hopefully calm my emotional distress.

 

I know even I find it ridiculous to think he won't cover for her, or that I was so distressed I trusted a complete strangers word more than my wifes

 

At this point I just needed anything to grasp at to bring me back from my depression. She ignored my request completely and didn't even try to tell me again she didn't know anything about him other than his first name (even though she admits to following him to his house for the indiscretion).

 

Well our mutual acquaintance finally messaged me back saying he had never spoken to her on there and he didn't have snapchat. I blew up. I completely lost it. I showed her the message and confronted her. After a heated argument I told her to pack her shit and get out that I didn't care if she had to sleep in her truck. All the while her sticking to saying it was him and swearing on anything you can think of she was telling the truth and all I could tell her is prove it (I feel I have given my definitive proof she lied yet again).

 

I don't know what to make of any of it since the SN has no relation to the first name she gave me for the guy she cheated with. I'm not sure if it's now multiple guys. I don't know about or if the name she gave me was a cover to prevent me from finding the real guy. The only thing I am sure of is I still feel completely helpless and betrayed in it all. After this final lie I think the hatred may have completely stomped out the love. Yet I still feel I've made the worst mistake of my life.

 

I'm about 95% sure our relationship is beyond salvage after this fight. If she can't prove he is lying about having an innocent conversation with an old friend I am certain I will never trust her again (straw and camels and all). If she can I still can't trust the rest of her story because it seems she is hiding the one person that could confirm her story (or spill the whole pot of beans).

 

I have no ill will toward the other man he was deceived as well according to her story (she said she told him she had permission as long as she told me about it before or after which based on multiple lies I conclude she had no intention of ever doing). Even if it's a long term affair I only blame her. She's the one that betrayed me he was just getting a hot piece of ass.

 

I'm just an emotional wreck stuck between depression and self loathing, and then unimaginable anger (not violent like just extreme rage). I only have one real friend, and he knows the entire scope of our relationship, but doesn't understand any of it. I can't talk to my family about it because I feel the open aspect of our relationship does play a role in this since the act itself isn't the issue but the compounded lies. I'm alone in this and completely and utterly destroyed emotionally. I don't know how to explain to our son what is going on. I don't know how to move forward myself. I stayed and suppressed it even though everything in my mind and gut feeling said she was still hiding something because I thought miserable with her was better than miserable alone. I'm a wreck I'll stop the post for now.

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I am so sorry this is where you are. Things will get better one way or another. I know you don't and can't believe that but trust me they will.

 

The following is all based upon what you have said so far.

 

I wouldn't give up yet. All of this sounds like it is still,the same "lie"... Not another one. This is what I think needs to happen.

 

Give her the chance to come clean. She must tell you everything. You will not hold anything against her if she comes clean now. Tell her that if she loves you and respects you she will spill it all. One time get out of jail free card that if she values you she will use to its fullest extent. Due to the fact that you both know she has lied she has to "make it up" to you. She has a penance to pay. Part of that is during the talk she has to call the guy on the phone and put him on speaker to confirm everything she has said. No chance to get their stories straight. If she won't do this then I think it would be safe to say that she is not telling all.

 

I know this sounds extreme but if she wants to come clean and get you to trust again I think this is reasonable and necessary.

 

Good luck. I pray that it works out for you. This is not going to be quick to get over and I think you are also going to need marriage counseling.

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I feel after the initial two lies were disproved and she finally admitted to cheating that everything that she was willing to admit to was admitted she has maintained the same story since. What makes me think she is still hiding is her protecting his identity. During our fight when I explained the importance of me needing to talk to him, needing that closure, needing to prove to myself she was being honest she said he wasn't a part of it and we didn't need to drag him into it.

 

That hurt. It feels that her priority is protecting him, even when I'm telling her I'm on the brink of a total emotional melt down she didn't want to bring him into this to save me and, in turn, our relationship.

 

Our fight last night was very different. My anger and rage from finding out yet another lie while I was grasping at straws, anything to bring me back from the brink was horrible worse than initial fight because to me it was if she lied during me killing myself emotionally trying to rebuild that it would never stop. Her response was equally as puzzling. It was the first time I saw no remorse, only anger from her. I don't know how to interpret that. Is it an actual truth that she is mad for being accused and someone else lying that is destroying her want to rebuild or is it anger of not being able to continue hiding it that my attempts to prove her story is actually unraveling her story and she doesn't care to continue pretending to be hurt over it?

 

I feel without being able to prove she is being honest about the snapchat, I can't ever trust her again because it was a lie while trying to regain trust. I know I can't heal by just trying to forgive and forget I tried. It only made me feel worse. If there's no proving she is being honest to restore some faith and hope for us in my mind, the only other way I see is time apart. Maybe I won't be constantly reminded of the hurt and can heal. Once I am able to move past it, we can try talking again and see if there's a chance of starting over then. I was miserable trying to work it out. It only made it worse trying to prove her trustworthiness to heal.

 

Now I'm miserable and alone in our house with her at a friend's. Right now it feels no matter what I do I'm going to continue being depressed and only spiraling deeper into misery.

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I think you answered my question and your issue.

 

As you said, she is more concerned with protecting him than saving your relationship. She is not willing to do what it takes to save your relationship when you are not asking anything unreasonable. She is not willing to prove and confirm her trustfulness and honesty.

 

Hmmm. Might be time to move on. Maybe she will come back around when she realizes she really will loose you but if she doesn't then you will probably be better off.

 

Again, my heart aches for you. It will be tough but you will be OK. It just takes some time. I hope that you get what you want. I pray that things will work out for you two and if it doesn't that it all comes out alright for you.

 

Best of luck and remember the folks here on this board are here for you.

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MasterHack2007, I wish there were something I could say to magically make this situation better for you and your wife. Alas, I cannot. However, I have to say, as someone who has been where you and your wife are, coming face to face with this other man will not bring closure. Closure is non-existent, in my opinion. This experience will forever color who you are and how you view certain situations in any romantic relationship. No matter how many questions you ask and no matter how many answers you receive, there will always be "one more" or doubt of the validity of those answers. You'll never know the 100% non-bias occurrence of what happened.

 

As for your wife's lack of non-remorse--this is a big, gigantic sign that something is deeply wrong with your relationship with your wife. She has become so disconnected to you that she doesn't feel sorry. And you want to know how I know? Because I was in that exact place ten years ago. I didn't feel remorse when Mr. Sun confronted me. I felt fucking relieved. I didn't have to hide how I felt anymore. Hindsight has rewarded me with why I felt and why I did what I did back then and the main part was that our relationship was on "cruise control". We were barely able to maintain our relationship at that time. Our first child was barely 1-year-old. Mr. Sun was going to work and school. I was working. We had recently bought a new house and were trying to renovate it. And I was getting over our first miscarriage which devastated me and Mr. Sun couldn't understand the depth of my anguish. Tell me...where did we have the time to work on our relationship? I had fallen "out of love" with Mr. Sun. People may disagree with me but I wholeheartedly agree with this quote: It's easy to fall in and out of love but it takes work to stay in love.

 

Look really hard and see if you both of you have been putting the time and effort into the relationship. Talk about this candidly with each other. If both of you want to work this out--then damn well do it and she has to be willing and able to cut this other man out of her life. If she doesn't, it will be as if you both are swimming upstream with a concrete block tied to your feet.

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I'm going to try and look at this from a different angle:

 

You can only push someone back into a corner so far before they can't go any further back. At some point they will either give up or they will attack in order to escape. You've seemingly been pushing her back not believing anything she has to say...maybe she is only attacking back since you don't want to listen...maybe?

 

Also, I can understand not wanting to bring ANYONE else into this. If she thinks that you are being unreasonable with her, bringing anyone else in will just probably lead to more of the same but with her being terribly embarrassed. What good will come from it anyways. If he told you nothing happened, would you believe him?

 

If you want to try and fix this, you need to decide what is more important: both of you trying to move forward or you trying to hurt her for the past?

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