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Island guy

I found out she was fucking other swinger guys behind my back

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Hello all. I need some honest feedback, please. The last time I posted to this board was maybe 10 years ago when my wife and I first started getting into swinging. Let's fast forward through all the great experiences we have had in the past. I have always felt that swinging was about being open and sharing sexual experiences together. It requires lots of trust and honesty. So here's my present situation:

 

We have been married for nearly 18 years now, and life was apparently golden: a great job in a great town meeting great people and great school for our 14-year-old son, who for the first time in a long time seems to be enjoying school. About 2 months ago, looking at our phone records I noticed many texts and pictures being sent out to a couple of different numbers. Doing reverse look-ups I found out that these were men that she was sexting with. It was happening every day right after I would go to work. I purchased a GPS tracker to find out if she was sleeping with any of them.

 

After a couple of weeks of monitoring I didn't see any signs. That was until last month when on a Saturday I had to work all day and our son had an all day school event, she said she was going to spend the day in South Beach, which is about an hour and a half away, by herself. Well, my GPS tracker showed that she did go to Miami but before hitting South Beach she stopped for 3 and a half hours at a seedy motel in Little Havana! My world was crushed... It was worse than thought. I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to. I didn't want to confront her with evidence because I didn't want her to know that I was "spying" on her. That's when I found this site.

 

I let it go but have kept on monitoring. I see through phone records that the guy she hooked up with in Miami would not return her phone calls. I know that must have upset her. Regardless she has other men that she continues to sext with.

 

Today she left her phone by me, unlocked, and I looked at her texts to find out that she had sex with one of those guys just this past Tuesday. She boasted about to another guy (apparently they are friends and know about each other.) The text said "R____ just fucked the shit out of me." And suggested that it helped her get over the other guy that won't return her calls. Now I researched the R's number and found he is a swinger and a member of the same swinger's site we are members of. He is married. I also saw that he planned their encounter when his wife wasn't there.

 

When I confronted my wife this morning with my knowing she is fucking around behind my back she told me that it's ok because she only hooks up with other swingers. She said she does it behind my back because she knows I wouldn't give her permission, but if she doesn't do this otherwise she would be bored. I work long hours and don't have time for swinging so it's her only way to get her swing on. I told her that it's not swinging when it's not done with permission and I would guarantee that the spouses of the married guys don't know about it.

 

I apologize for the long post, but I need to know what other people "like us" think. As she put it, we are not "normal," by which she means we don't have a traditional marriage.

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Hi, Island guy. Although I'm glad to see you return to the forum, I'm sorry it has to be under these terms.

 

I want to be very, very, very clear about what I'm going to say next and if you have spent any amount of time on the forum, you should know this as well but it bears repeating...

 

It doesn't matter if she's doing this with other swingers, the fact that you were not in the loop about her sexual escapades with these other men and hiding it means that this was not swinging--she was cheating. As for her cheating with "other swingers"...you and she don't really know if they are if there is no confirmation by the other men's partners. They can claim all they want and say they are swingers but, in reality, they are using it was a cover-up or excuse for what they are doing. Any true swinger will tell you that this is not swinging.

 

Swinging is not hurting your partner.

 

Swinging is not hiding or lying to your partner.

 

Swinging is not cheating.

 

Honestly, you both need to need down and have a lot of serious, heart-to-heart talks about all of this. You both need to learn what it actually means to be swingers as well as how to be open and honest with each other. If you both were comfortable with having an arrangement of her seeing other men while you are out working, then this could have been done without the all of the dishonesty and lying. If the line of communication between the two of you was strong, you both could have gone to each other with each other's desires and concerns. The foundation to swinging is communication and it doesn't appear that there was a lot of that from both sides. She hid her desires from you. You weren't comfortable enough to talk with her about the phone numbers and "evidence" you found.

 

Mr. Sun and I were in a similar situation years and years ago...this isn't going to be an easy problem to patch up because there will be a loss of trust and a lot of hurt feelings. And it will take both of you to want to work through this. I highly recommend that all swinging and cheating stop until you two come to a place where trust is rebuilt and communication is much more open and honest.

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So sorry that you are dealing with this... We've had similar situations going on within our circle of LS friends.. Hopefully this is something you can work out. What she did is not swinging, but CHEATING!!!! Y'all need to step back from any LS things and regroup as a married couple!!! Communication is key!!!!

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We're sorry that you are back under these circumstances as well. Sunbuckus hit this one out of the park. Swinging is having all of what happens out in the open and shared by everyone involved. Cheating takes place in the dark and is kept secret. One things cheaters seem to like to do is wrap themselves in the 'swinger lifestyle' title to help disguise what they are doing. Sounds like that is happening here. Good luck and know we feel for you...

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Thank you so much for your feedback, Sunbuckus, CandyCane and GoldCoCouple. You are all spot on. She is trying to say that this is part of swinging so when I told her that we should gather the men and their SO's together to talk about it and get it out in the open, she backtracked. At least I got her to acknowledge that she was wrong and she is sorry for hurting me. It still doesn't make it better, but I do feel better just getting this off my chest. I am still in a lot of pain, but I have a feeling this is going to be a long road. And, now that the trust has been broken, I don't see how things can ever be the same.

 

I'm sorry to bring this up, but I don't have anyone I can turn to. Thanks again for responding.

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I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing you a big hug. Going through something like this is very painful and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And yes, things can't go back to being the way they were before but that is with everything in life...we all learn and grow from our experiences--good and bad--and the only way to move is forward. I wish you both good luck in getting through this trying time together. I hope you continue to let us know how you both are doing.

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This would drive me crazy. I do not know how you are holding up. My wife is hot and has a huge sex drive so I get the playing thing and keeping sex new and fresh, but stepping out without permission can not end well... unless maybe you have came to a place where you can accept it. I know that some men cheat and just can not stop... women have to do the same thing.

 

What are your options?

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There have been some great responses already, so I will just nod my head in agreement and repeat that what she was doing was cheating, not swinging, no grey area about it.

 

It will be a long and difficult road back, and we wish you the best on that journey. Although it fortunately has never done it's damage in our relationship, from what I have seen from situations with friends is that cheating is rarely to never really about the sex, there is always more to it than that and the sex is just how the problem exhibits itself on the surface. Not surprising really since at their heart relationships aren't about sex either. My advice would be to step back from the sex is the problem mindset, and together really look within for the real problem that has resulted in things reaching this point.

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Your phone record shows a record of numbers to which text messages were sent? No kidding. If I received a bill showing all the text messages my wife and I sent and received in a month, the postman would need a wheelbarrow to deliver it.

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Okay, everyone agrees, it's cheating. She knew you would not like it.

 

Question is, now what? You want to make this a totally open relationship and work out how to do that or want to see a counselor to try to shut the door she opened and lock her up somehow to prevent her playing or want to see a lawyer?

 

It sucks. Cheating happens in many relationships and being a swinger does not prevent it. Many people get counseling and work it out. So you can if you both want to.

 

Good luck.

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Your words have given me strength. She is behaving very remorseful right now and wants to work it out. I will keep you posted on how it goes. For now, I will proceed with caution.

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...she backtracked. At least I got her to acknowledge that she was wrong and she is sorry for hurting me. It still doesn't make it better, but I do feel better just getting this off my chest. I am still in a lot of pain, but I have a feeling this is going to be a long road.

 

She is behaving very remorseful right now and wants to work it out. I will keep you posted on how it goes.

 

It is a long road, and as others have noted this will take a long time. I have some experience with this, not with my wife but with a very long term girlfriend years ago. Can it be done? Yes. You must not fall into the trap of wanting to bound forward with success in dealing with this. It doesn't work that way. Trust is both very strong and very fragile at the same time. It is difficult, but you must take every step forward as a success in and of itself. Revel in each of these little successes, be glad for the motion in the right direction, rejoice in the additional renewed closeness with your partner. If you instead choose to compare how things are with how things were, you will never be happy and satisfied.

 

There are other traps in this as well. If you continue to suspect that she is cheating on you, you can work yourself into abject depression and worry, and find "evidence" in almost everything. Everything begins to have a darker meaning, a hidden clue, an additional knife in your back. You have to consciously make a choice to step away from distrust and belief there might be something going on. Trust can not and will not grow again in a poison atmosphere. As painful, difficult and fraught with worry trusting now has become, you must start taking the baby steps towards full trust again.

 

For now, I will proceed with caution.

 

Yes, but cautious should not equate to distrust.

 

And, now that the trust has been broken, I don't see how things can ever be the same.

 

This is another trap. If you forever compare your current and future with the past that was, you will be permanently dissatisfied. You're absolutely right. It will NEVER be the same again. To have that as a goal is to set yourself up for failure. It would be wholly improper to move ahead without learning the lessons that have been so painfully taught you. The lessons will bring your closer, possibly closer than you've ever been before. Your wife now knows she did something horribly wrong. That knowledge can very well set the table for far deeper closeness and trust because now forevermore you will know that she knows how dangerous it is to cheat. Take heart in that. Start looking forward to the couple you are becoming rather than weeping for the couple that is lost.

 

Someday, you may return to swinging. For now, that must be gone from your relationship.

 

Please do keep us up to date. We're very happy to listen and give feedback where you want it.

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When I confronted my wife this morning with my knowing she is fucking around behind my back she told me that it's ok because she only hooks up with other swingers. She said she does it behind my back because she knows I wouldn't give her permission, but if she doesn't do this otherwise she would be bored. I work long hours and don't have time for swinging so it's her only way to get her swing on. I told her that it's not swinging when it's not done with permission and I would guarantee that the spouses of the married guys don't know about it.

 

Ok... Cheating is wrong.

 

However.

 

I will say this. She does make a point that is worth talking about in this quote. She complains that you work long hours and she is bored. I so get this. I went through a period of unemployment last year. My wife is a worker bee. She is the go-to woman at her job and that drives me nuts some times. She works too many hours a week and she loves it. I really do not like it. In fact I hated it when I was unemployed and today I don't like the working weekends or late nights. I know it is what she loves doing and I give that to her. But, I really know what it is like to be left at home wondering what I am gong to do until she came home. I would plan to be with he and then get shot down cause she was late or just too tired to comply. It is a real issue, especially if she has a large sex drive. If you married a sex kitten and you are not feeding the kitty... She is going to get hungry.

 

I am looking at her statement. Not her actions of cheating, that she is bored, as a call to you to spend more time with her. She wants to be a priority and wants to swing. That is a good thing in the swinging community. You are lucky on that respect.

 

I am older and know in my heart that I want my married life to be a happy one. She sounds a little unhappy with what is going on, and if I may read into it she said you would say no if she asked to swing without you. This seems to be indicating two things from her. She might be scared to talk to you about what she wants so she just does it behind your back. That is a relationship problem and not just her problem. Communication seems to be broken in her ability to tell you what she wants. That is your problem.

 

In other words she is looking outside of the relationship for a need that is not being met. Here is where I suggest some inward contemplation be taken on your part. It is not your fault that she cheated. But you are in a relationship that is on the rocks. It is your life you share with her and things are not working out so well. She sounds lonely. Your wife that you love wants to spend more time with you... that is a good thing.

 

It has been my experience that when things go wrong I try to do things to make the relationship work out so I feel good about it. But in that state of mind I can justify leaving out how she feels and justify poor behavior on my part towards her and that only makes things worse. Hell, how do you not think of cheating when you look at her... or think of her. That wound won't heal so easily if there is a hidden game of pay back going on.

 

Maybe this is something that can grow the relationship.. If you are away from home most of the time why not let her play alone. Set some rules up for this. Now this is just a suggestion.. If you will this is just another way to look at the problem.

 

I hope it works our for the best for you..

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she told me that it's ok because she only hooks up with other swingers. She said she does it behind my back because she knows I wouldn't give her permission

 

I don't know, I read your post and this is the only thing that stuck out in bold red print for me. This encapsulates her dishonesty, both with herself and with you. If she can't see why the fact that these other men are (supposedly) swingers doesn't cancel out the act of sneaking around behind your back, or them sneaking around behind their wives' backs, she needs to spend a little time thinking about that. And if you have to lie, sneak or hide to get what you want, you suck at adult relationships. It doesn't mean there isn't hope that she'll learn and grow and finally be able to engage as an equal in your relationship, it just means she's got a steep learning curve ahead of her. How much energy she puts into that, how seriously she takes her missteps or how hard she is willing to look in the proverbial mirror, remains to be seen.

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Many years ago now, at a point when our relationship was rocky, my wife cheated on me. She did it deliberately, as an attempt to drive a wedge between us. In that regard, it backfired spectacularly. It took a lot of years and a lot of hard work from both of us before I could fully trust her again. Me being me, I found a good book on coping with infidelity which gave a lot of great advice. Alas, I can't find it now or I'd offer you the title. I'll try to dig it up if you like.

 

What I'm saying is it takes work, and it's not easy, but it can be done. I wish you luck, strength and eventual happiness.

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Great advice from everyone. We have decided to work it out. It is a 2 way street, and I will do my part to make myself more available and a better partner as well. Although she is the one who screwed up, and I was the one who got hurt, I realize that adult relationships are very complex.

 

As part of the process, I am planning a civil meeting with the men involved. I will keep you posted on how that goes.

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. . . Although she is the one who screwed up, . . . .

 

Life is better if operate on the principle that marriage is a no-fault relationship.

 

Wishing you the best.

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This is exactly why my first swinging marriage crashed and burned! I was working literally non-stop building a business AND going to college to make a better life for BOTH of us all while still trying to enjoy a swinging lifestyle with my beautiful new wife. Come to find out while I was at work she was in essence and for all practical purposes 'cheating' by sleeping with other males and couples without discussing it or yes getting permission, also known as consent. While in my deep dark kinky side it did sort of turn me on after the fact to know that she was sleeping with others I never admitted it to her for 'fear' she would continue assuming my kink knowing was implied consent (permission). We had few rules but one of them was NEITHER of us would play alone without first discussing it...trust had she told me I would have jumped on the idea knowing I'd get my favorite sloppy seconds, despite really getting off watching, but the mind is more powerful than your eyes so the thought process was hot!

 

Nevertheless, she wouldn't stop essentially cheating so we split. So my advise to you is simple: Now that you have confronted her set new 'rules' with very strict guidelines and sanctions should she fail to adhere to them.

 

Hope it works out for you!

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Although she is the one who screwed up, and I was the one who got hurt....

 

This probably isn't something you want to hear but she isn't the only one who screwed up...you did as well, even though it might not be as apparent. It takes both of you to make a relationship. Yes, she shouldn't have cheated and lied to you. But relationships take time and energy to keep it alive. You wrote that you work long hours, which probably impacts the time and energy you have left to spend with your wife. When one person carries the relationship load for too long, it takes it's toll and the cheating and lying is probably the consequence of it. In other words, when there is something missing in the relationship, whether it be sex or emotional needs, the person missing them will seek them elsewhere when their primary partner is not providing them. Should she have gone to you and talked to you about it? Absolutely. The question is, if she did go or had gone to you, would you listening and heeding any of the warning signs? Is the relationship strong and healthy enough where both of you can approach each other and bring up these issues without it becoming a "blame game"?

 

For those of us who have been in your position before, trust will be very painful to rebuild but, for me, it started with the first step: forgiveness.

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I wish you the best and hope that you can return to the open, honest communication that this brought to your marriage in the beginning. I empathize as the non-traveling spouse of a swinger. Life can get confining with kids and household responsibilities when the other spouse is away. I do hope you can find balance together.

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