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Wife cheated and now wants to swing. Is this really how swinging works?

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We are a married couple who have just had a few problems. To make a long story short my wife joined a swingers site without my knowledge... had sex with a man off the site. Forgot her phone so I found out.

 

We are now back together but my wife has made it clear that she wants to swing after this experience. As I have no real knowledge of this I hope you can help clear a few things up...

 

Is this what swinging is, a partner having sex without the others knowledge as my wife claims that this is the swinging lifestyle?

 

I disagreed but she told me I know nothing :(

 

Is it normal for one or both of a swinging couple to be married to another person who is unaware?

 

Is it accepted as normal when a couple meets either a girl or man for a FFM or MMF that the single person could be married and there without their spouse's knowledge and this is OK?

 

 

Sorry for those questions but my wife is convinced that this is how swinging works.

 

We tried to discuss rules in an encounter and have hit a big problem. Are there any sort of standard rules for married couples to follow in their adventures or a guide or really any help? lol

 

I suggested that kissing may be a problem for me and my wife stated she had to kiss... but there was to be no stroking or touching hair... and no fondling but for breasts. I then made idiotic comment that would it be ok to lick sweat off my partner's body after riding me and ended up being shouted at as I had never done that with my wife :( and obviously I shouldn't do anything when swinging I had not already done with her. So at this we are no nearer resolving anything so really hope you guys can help.

 

I guess I should mention I have concerns about this lifestyle but can accept the change. My wife was previously very jealous and would never have considered it. Another concern of mine in this being my wife wants to get to know the couple well, wine and dine good friends first, which seems to me to be more than recreational fun. Now we just argue all the time about the fact I know nothing about swinging as she has talked to loads of people on the site she was on. (Fabswingers)

 

Thanks to all those that help.

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None of that is normal. What your wife did is cheating, not swinging. Anytime someone is married, having sex with someone else, and their partner is unaware that is cheating.

 

Personally I think you two need to avoid swinging and work on your marriage. If you get into swinging now I would bet money you're headed towards a divorce. If not, then a long time of unhappiness. Make sure both of you are happy in your marriage before trying swinging.

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Is this what swinging is, a partner having sex without the others knowledge as my wife claims that this is the swinging lifestyle ?

 

No. Successful swinging partners are totally in the know about everything the other one does. Just because she might have found him on a swinger site doesn't make it swinging. Cheating is cheating, no matter where you find another person to screw.

 

Is it normal for one or both of a swinging couple to be married to another person who is unaware ?

No. They're cheaters.

 

Is it accepted as normal when a couple meets either a girl or man for a FFM or MMF that the single person could be married and there without their spouses knowledge and this is OK ?

 

No. Not in our experience. Those who are there without their spouses knowledge are again, cheaters.

Sorry for those questions but my Wife is adamant that this is how swinging works.

 

Nope. This is NOT how swinging works. This is how cheating works and how cheaters get their thrills.

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Sounds like you two are in a bad place right now. We wish you the best in working through this.

 

Is this what swinging is, a partner having sex without the others knowledge as my wife claims that this is the swinging lifestyle?

 

I disagreed but she told me I know nothing :(

 

Bring her here. She will quickly find out that she doesn't know what she doesn't know, but that her ignorance can be corrected with little trouble.

 

Good luck to you.

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Both you and your wife have many misconceptions about swinging. The first thing for y'all to do is learn what the lifestyle is. Fortunately, this is a very good place to learn what y'all need to know. The people who hang out here are kind, patient, and full of knowledge that has been gained through experience.

 

I'll echo the thought that you should bring her here so both of you can ask questions.

 

We'll look forward to meeting her.

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This site has been a great place to find good information from nice people. We were curious about this lifestyle and got all good honest advice that has allowed us the opportunity to go to parties/clubs and meet good people and have a great time. Poke around here for a while with your wife even buy a few of the recommended books and take the time to learn it.

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Wow...you two really need to sit down and talk. Neither of you should be swinging or even thinking about swinging at the moment. I'm sorry that your reason for investigating this lifestyle is because of an ultimatum...she is going to swing, period.

 

Here is the reality. There are stupid swingers. Meaning that there are couples that will 'overlook' the fact that a woman is married because finding a single woman to play with them is very hard. It's fucked up and they should be ashamed of themselves if they know a woman is married and is cheating on her husband and they play with her anyways. As far as a single man...well, they are single, what do they care if a woman is married other than fear of being shot if caught?

 

Like everyone said above, swinging is something that is done together with mutual consent for the enjoyment of both partners.

 

You can have rules but honestly, the more you have the harder it is to find couples to swing with. An attitude of 'you can't do that because you have never done that to me' is very selfish. Maybe you shouldn't moan because...it may sound different than it does when you are with her. Seriously, your going to fuck another person but no stroking of hair?

 

It's hard to get your thoughts around this, especially since your feeling a little messed up in the head at the moment but you two need to begin with a clean slate and work through all of your issues before you swing. If you don't you will drag them into your encounters with others and nobody want's that.

 

Here is the one thing you can expect when you swing. People will be skinnier, more muscular, bigger boobs, bigger cocks, want to do things in positions you may have never been in before, etc. You, as a guy, may have performance issues the first few times as you are not used to the over stimulation. You both will be in a sexually heightened state meaning you may make noises or scream things you haven't done with each other in a long time because new sex can't compete with your sex...trust me on this. It's not better, just different. The number one thing you can expect with swinging is that if your relationship isn't wired tight, you'll be divorced in 6 months. It makes good relationships stronger but rips the weak ones apart.

 

Good luck to you both.

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Sorry to tell you but your wife is wrong. What she did (and is wanting to do) is not swinging, but cheating. The two of you may agree to play separately with people of your choosing and tell each other later (or not), in that case it would be swinging because there is consent on both sides. Lying = Cheating (in my book) and that's what she's doing.

 

Read through here, learn all you can then sit down with her and share what you've learned. If you are interested in swinging, then go for it on ground that you both choose. I rarely ever flat out tell people they need my book, but you do. Get it, let her know you've got it and then read it together and talk about it. You guys need a serious communication improvement before I would suggest that you swing together... maybe even some marriage counseling.

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People call everything swinging when it's not. Ménage et trios are not swinging. Sex parties and gang bangs are not swinging. And cheating is not swinging.

 

Swinging is couple - couple (IMO)

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People call everything swinging when it's not. Ménage et trios are not swinging. Sex parties and gang bangs are not swinging. And cheating is not swinging.

 

Swinging is couple - couple (IMO)

 

So, in your opinion, three couples having fun isn't swinging?

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People call everything swinging when it's not. Ménage et trios are not swinging. Sex parties and gang bangs are not swinging. And cheating is not swinging.

 

Swinging is couple - couple (IMO)

 

I almost agree with you, Crush, but threesomes, etc, when done by couples taking turns, is swinging at it's best. Everybody gets a turn being "it" and all involved know the risks. As far as I'm concerned the sky's the limit for number of couples involved with each other.

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Crush has a very narrow definition of swinging, but we each have, and are entitled to, our own definitions.

 

We are still relatively new to swinging (I guess 2 1/2 years qualifies as relatively new), but we consider swinging to be sexual encounters between consenting adults, with all parties involved knowing and approving, be it 2, 3, 4 or 40 people. And yes, you are involved, even if you were not present, because your wife is having sex with other people. What your wife did was not swinging in our mind, and I dare say most in the LS would agree, because you neither knew or consented, nor had you discussed boundaries and exceptions before hand. She was simply looking for a label she could use and feel better about herself. You can slap a Dom Pérignon label on wine vinegar but it does make it taste any sweeter.

 

The vast majority of couples we have met, and even most single guys that are actual swingers, would not have entertained your wife because they would consider it cheating as well. But there are always exceptions.

 

One of the great things about the lifestyle is that you can custom order it to fit what you want, so Crush can define it the way they wish, but it does not invalidate other peoples definition. In the end I would say there are three pillars to swinging; it is sexual, there is consent, and there is honesty among all involved. Your wife failed on two of three. That is cheating not swinging.

 

If you two choose to start swinging then I would be surprised if your marriage survives, you two clearly already have issues and the lifestyle will only magnify them exponentially. Seek counseling and leaving the swinging to others.

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So, in your opinion, three couples having fun isn't swinging?

 

Yes that's swinging. Start throwing in single people and that's a sex party IMO.

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I almost agree with you, Crush, but threesomes, etc, when done by couples taking turns, is swinging at it's best. Everybody gets a turn being "it" and all involved know the risks. As far as I'm concerned the sky's the limit for number of couples involved with each other.

 

Most threesomes are with another single person. Most people don't consider a threesome or ménage et trios to be 'swinging'. That is something almost totally different.

 

Like... Here me and my wife are trying to get the courage to go to a club and meet other couples and both of the big ones in my area allow single men with no exceptions. That is not swinging at all IMO and I wish there was an option to have couple-only nights. At least once a month.

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most single guys that are actual swingers

 

:nono: single men aren't swingers!!

 

Couples out for other couples are swingers. Single men for sex are gigolos. :blush: A local club here has a night called 'gigolos night' every Thursday I believe.

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:nono: single men aren't swingers!!

 

Couples out for other couples are swingers. Single men for sex are gigolos. :blush: a local club here has a night called 'gigolos night' every Thursday I believe.

 

:threadja:

 

I'm used to be more in agreement with your views Crush and I have said somewhere in another post that couples swing and that single men and women participate with swingers...but these days I find the lines blurred and my definition much more liberal on what is a swinger or swinging.

 

Threesomes, while could involve a single guy, it doesn't change the fact that the couple together is engaging in a swinging act just with a solo M/F so I still consider that swinging to the extent it applies to the couple.

 

There are also swingers that play separate so that widens the grey area of all kinds of scenarios that would still apply to 'swingers' but eventually, when you get in a big huge dog pile on the bed, to try and distinguish the difference between group sex isn't swinging vs swingers participating in group sex, it really becomes a moot point for arguing :lol:

 

I pretty much like to think that swinging is in the eye of the swinger these days. This has been a fun read on the views.

 

Not back to your regularly scheduled thread.....

 

Timeforus...any update?

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Most threesomes are with another single person.

 

Maybe so, but our threesomes were always done with a couple, taking turns.

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Most threesomes are with another single person. Most people don't consider a threesome or ménage et trios to be 'swinging'. That is something almost totally different.

 

Like... Here me and my wife are trying to get the courage to go to a club and meet other couples and both of the big ones in my area allow single men with no exceptions. That is not swinging at all IMO and I wish there was an option to have couple-only nights. At least once a month.

 

I disagree with your characterization of threesomes and singles not being swingers. That aside, you haven't looked very hard at the clubs. Wicked (downtown Toronto) allows very few single men on Saturday nights. That aside, when you go upstairs to the on-premises part of the club single men are not allowed on the 3rd floor. So if you want couple only time, go to Wicked on a Saturday night. You won't be bothered by single men at all.

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The OP's need to give serious effort and consideration into being/ staying married. Swinging, even in orthodox form, shouldn't been on their horizon.

 

If Crush prefers to meet other couples, or doesn't wish anything to do with singles, or any number of people not divisible by two, that's great! More power to them for knowing what they like and pursuing it.

 

But threesomes can be wonderful, and there are indeed single individuals who specifically enjoy and connect couples rather than simple random hookups. When we did such things we enjoyed swinging with them. "Swinging" is diverse, and has a wide range of outlooks. But threesomes are well within the core of activities. Probably more so than clubgoing per se.

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