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BaronV.S.

Gave wife hall pass and she used it but won't give me permission

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Welcome! Sorry that your introduction to the board has to be this heavy. You've got a lot to work through.

 

Basically, it boils down to this. My wife suggested that we participate in swinging as a means to add spice and fun to our lives, and to "escape" (we are both in high stress, dangerous jobs). We had a tragedy this year that affected both of us, and she thought that it would do lots for us.

:redflag: Swinging shouldn't be used to heal from a tragedy. It's not therapy.

 

She went one-on-one already, and when I found out (5 months into her one-on-one time) and was hurt, she got defensive, and then started to feel massively guilty.

:redflag: She's been cheating (that's what it is) on you for 5 months?

 

 

She decided that she didn't want me to have one-on-one time with anyone

:redflag: So she gets to have the fun and you don't?

 

she seems to think that I'm trying to take something from her or cause her problems with her best friend (who has started to distance himself because he doesn't want to cause problems in our marriage).

Ummm... he's been the other half of the cheaters for FIVE MONTHS and he doesn't want to cause problems in your marriage? He already has!

 

 

I feel like I'm not allowed to do what she is doing, but that she sees nothing wrong with continuing. She tells me that her time with him is something she's done for herself because she has sacrificed so much for our family, and that she feels bad for taking what she wanted.

:redflag: She doesn't want to stop having sex with this man, but won't let you have the same experience?

 

Or should I be worried?

I guess.

 

I'm not going anywhere, and she assures me she isn't going to leave, but we discuss and cry about this all the time now, to the point that it's taken over our lives. How do I fix this?

Well, let's see. She needs to stop having sex with her friend. You two need to repair the damage that's been done to your marriage. Whatever tragedy you experienced, and I am truly sorry that you had that, has to be given a chance to HEAL. All this has done is inflame the wound.

 

If she can't accept that your marriage, and trust and equity within that relationship, is more important- far more important- than recreational sex, then you have some painful decisions to make. Good luck.

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Thanks for the welcome!! I, too, wish it hadn't been so heavy.... :)

 

First, the tragedy (which was the violent death of a friend that we both witnessed), didn't make us do this, but it dropped in our laps as we were beginning to discuss things, and sort of accelerated things a bit.

 

Second, I found out in July, and it had been happening since March, so I guess it's 7 months now. I think she just went ahead without me, because she thought I was "taking too long" to get "into the swing of things" (no pun intended). I thought we were still in the "talk, talk, talk" phase, but I was wrong! Oh so very very wrong...

 

Third, she saw how upset I got, and then decided that she would have an issue that she couldn't handle if the roles were reversed. I told her that it would probably improve the situation, but she doesn't seem to get the "fair is fair" and the Equitable Playing Field concept to well. She told me that if I go and have sex with someone else, she will run to him and do the same, but if she goes to him to have sex, she doesn't want me to go with someone else.

...yeah...I said that too... ;)

 

Fourth, her friend didn't realize that there was an issue until late in July, and has been distancing himself from her since then, because she won't respond to his "You need to be fair about this" speech that he keeps telling her. However, they are in love with each other (yeah....got that issue too...), and he is having trouble with self control. To be fair to him, though, he is doing a far better job of it than I would in that situation....

 

Fifth, she keeps vacillating on whether to accept one-on-one time between me and another woman, and won't commit to "I won't be mad and hate you forever if you do", so I operate on the principle that she won't accept it, so she can't be mad at me... ;)

 

Sixth, I thought worry was an appropriate response. I just needed confirmation...

 

As for repairing the marriage, I'm trying to do that without causing a further issue with her. I'm trying to get her to work on it without seeming like some kind of asshole. She keeps telling me that I've changed the rules on her, and I keep trying to explain that the rules didn't change, I just thought that the game wasn't as far along as it was...

 

I appreciate the sage advice, and I DO have some difficult decisions to make. For me, my marriage to the woman I have adored since we were teenagers (we didn't get married to each other until long after high school and other failed marriages) is FAR more important than the recreational sex, but I'm trying to get her to see what is going on. I just don't know how to make her objectively see what is happening. I was trying to be agreeable and do something for her that would be fun for me also, but all it's done is add more stress and cause more issues. She's told me that she will stop, but that it will put a barrier between us, and that is something I do not want to have happen...

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Both of you need to back away from swinging. It's not to say that you can't in the future enjoy what swinging has to offer. But, right now, it shouldn't be on the table. You are risking your marriage here.

 

PB&J is right; swinging isn't therapy. It isn't something you do to make things better. It's something you can do if things are great. Right now, things are not great in your relationship.

 

I think PB&J read it right, and please correct us if we're wrong, but she cheated on your five months and didn't say peep? Wow. This isn't swinging, you understand that?

 

What is wrong with continuing is that it is destroying your relationship. Stop swinging, get back to focusing on your relationship, and work on fundamentals. Open communication. Loving experiences. Intimacy (and I'm not talking sex, but true intimacy). When was the last time you did something really nice for her out of the blue?

 

Look, the least of your worries right now should be whether or not you not getting to have some sex with other women is 'fair'. Forget about it for now.

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Wow... Echoing what everyone else is saying.

 

What your wife is doing is NOT swinging, it's cheating. Those two things are not the same thing.

 

Either she wants to fix things with you and make sure you two are on the same page, or she doesn't. She can't cheat on you, then emotionally blackmail you, then get angry at you, all while you aren't doing anything.

 

She needs to stop seeing this guy now. She needs to talk to you, now. And if she doesn't want to fix things with you, then you need to figure out where you're going to go next.

 

Maybe you should bring her here to take a look at the responses and read up on how both partners need to be kept on the same page for a relationship to stay stable while swinging. Maybe she needs to be told that you should always go at the pace of the slower partner, to make sure everyone is comfortable.

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Your wife has some issues going on. And your love for her makes it easy for her to manipulate you. She cheated on you and you still think it's swinging even though you weren't made aware what was going on. She has you thinking you would be an asshole for wanting her to back off this relationship she has going. It is a relationship. They were already best friends and now sex is involved. You even see that they are "in love" with each other. Unless you are open to a poly type relationship, I'd suggest standing your ground or succumb to being a door mat.

 

I have seen it suggested many times before on here. You two may need counseling.

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Yes, just to chime in with the rest.

 

She is cheating on you, and has been for many months. To make matters worse, you believe they are in love, which makes it that much harder to "quit".

 

Mix that with her unwillingness to see her affair with him as unhealthy, and it's bad.

 

This is not swinging, it's a full blown vanilla affair. Swinging would not help fix this, and I bet many of us have seen examples of such a thing that ends up blowing up completely when they do try to use swinging to fix a cheating marriage.

 

The affair has to be dealt with.

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Amazing that she could cheat on you, and end up pissed at you somehow.

 

Impressive.

It doesn't amaze me. Been there and had it with both barrels.

 

My suggestion to the OP is if he is interested in swinging, he give it a try with his NEXT wife because his marriage is already history.

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Your wife is cheating on you. Plain and simple. Anything done behind your partners back such as this is cheating.

 

She is manipulating the situation to keep cheating and to have her cake and eat it too.

 

There are two ways to handle this situation.

 

She has to be on-board to save the marriage or you have to make a conscious decision to not allow someone to abuse you with cheating on you.

 

If she is unwilling to save the marriage that is a sign she is not invested in your relationship and it is time for you to move on.

 

Swinging is something you do together. You are open and honest about it and feelings of love for a playmate should not arise. In other words think of it as recreational sex and this is not the case in your situation.

 

I would put my foot down and stand up for myself.

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It's long past the time to draw a line in the sand on this one.

 

Anytime someone tells you they'll run to another if you do "this" they're saying that person is more important to me than you.

 

And that is the end of the marriage...:(

 

Time to end the "swinging" which is really cheating and go see a counselor if you think it's salvageable.

 

Assuming she will participate.

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