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I can't help but cheat, is swinging for me?

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Let me start off by saying I am a married straight guy, who has no intentions of having a regular swinging relationship with my wife. Not only would she object to the idea, I just couldn't share her in that way.

 

With that being said, I am selfish not only in not wanting to share her, but I am selfish because I cannot seem to stay faithful to my wife. I have cheated on every person I have ever been involved with, and it is something I cannot seem to stop doing. Often times I think it might be genetic, because I have learned it stems from my grandfather, and suspicions of his father cheating as well.

 

Here is a little background on a swinging experience I had, to see where my train of thought is now. I was in Las Vegas with 3 friends for a convention two years ago. The first night there, one of my friends and I hung out at the bar in the hotel drinking. We met a couple from Oklahoma and really hit it off. We were buying them drinks, they were buying us drinks, and after a while the female asked me what I was into. I hesitantly asked "what do you mean?", and she replied "as in drugs, do you like them or do them?". I opened up and said yeah, I experiment but don't make it a habit or do it often. I explained that the Vegas trip is something I had planned on letting loose for, and I did come prepared.

She told me to go back to her room because they had some cocaine.

 

I went back to the room with the male, and up there he asked me what I thought of his girlfriend. I said she is very sexy and he is a lucky guy. He then asked if I would be interested in having sex with her. He explained it would be nothing gay, he and I wouldn't touch, but we would both make love to her. I of course jumped on the idea. So long story short, the couple from Oklahoma and myself topped the night off with some great sex in their room.

 

Being in Vegas, and having so many options I never did get to do it again which I really wanted to, but just never found the time to get back with them. They did call me several times trying to coordinate another meeting, but we could never make it work.

 

Ever since then, I have thought about that night almost everyday replaying it all in my mind. I know it was a one in a million chance it happened, but would really like to relive that experience. I consider myself a good person, but have always dreamed about having sex in groups. Like MMF or every man's dream FFM, or even a lot of males with one female.

 

I am straight, and have never even had any curiosity to be with another male. Like I said above, I would never want to have my wife find out about my past experience, or know of anything I do outside of our marriage.

 

Does that make me just a cheating asshole? I have tried to be a good husband, but I always end up searching for something on the side. In my mind, searching for swingers might be the way to go now. Someone that I can trust to keep my secret, because my wife doesn't know that I have ever cheated on her. In my mind, swingers are probably safer about sex then most one night stands I would find.

 

My final question is, is searching for another couple to have more or less regular play times with a waste of time for me? I know that most couples would like to have another couple to have fun with, instead of just one guy.

 

Maybe none of this makes sense, but I am trying to figure out what direction I need to go, to both settle my urges, and keep my marriage intact. Thanks in advance for all your help.

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Does that make me just a cheating asshole?

 

In my opinion...yes it does.

 

Swinging is NOT cheating. Swinging is about being open, honest and trust worthy...none of which are traits you displayed when you went behind your wife's back and had sex without her knowledge and/or permission.

 

As a cheating husband looking to find a couple to have regular sex dates with, you're going to find it very hard to do with swingers. The majority of swingers value the fact that they are honest with their spouse/SO about their fantasies and desires. Being involved with someone who does not share these values isn't something a lot of swingers are willing to do. There are those who just don't and won't care that you're married but, not very many.

 

You are doing your wife a grave disservice. Not only are you cheating on her but I'm guessing you haven't even given her the chance to decide for herself if swinging might be something she herself would be interested in...then again, from your post, you did say you couldn't share her so I suppose giving her a choice on sharing you is a moot point.

 

Cheating is NOT genetic...everyone has the power to practice integrity at the moment of choice.

 

IMO, the direction you need to go is one in which you work on your marriage and one in which you show you wife a little respect.

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I think what you have is a currently untenable (but not unchangeable) situation for yourself.

 

Let me start off by saying that most swinger couples (not all by any means, but most) will not choose to swing with a male who is cheating on his spouse. I know for us personally, I encourage my wife to have sex with as many men as she wants as often as she wants, but she and I are 100% agreed that married men playing without permission are absolutely persona non grata. Not going to happen. Why? It's a drama bomb waiting to go off. We might be able to play with you once without being 'discovered'. Maybe even 20 times. But eventually, your wife would find out. When that happens, we'd be caught up in the storm that would happen. There are PLENTY of single men out there who are NOT cheating for my wife to choose from. We and she does not need the potential drama. What she wants is a pleasant sex partner. She doesn't have to play with cheating males to get that.

 

Second, swinging isn't an answer to your problems whether it's in the form of you cheating on your wife or in the form of (unacceptable to you) both of you swinging. It is obvious from what you have communicated so far that you are not 100% open and honest with your wife. Swinging is far more successful when spouses are very open and communicative with each other. You don't have that. I feel sad for you that you don't.

 

Third, are you the master of your urges or are the urges your master? Are you just an animal that smells a female in heat and can not resist the urge to try to mount her? I am absolutely certain you are better than that. Take responsibility for yourself, stop cheating on your wife, and start moving forward in positive directions. You might wish to consider counseling from a professional. It's no crime to get counseling.

 

If you continue to cheat, your wife will eventually find out. When she does, all hell will break loose. If you want to keep your marriage intact, you can start by not cheating.

 

I am not criticizing you; please don't take this that way. I am saying that your currently chosen path is a guaranteed failure, and playing with swingers isn't going to make it any less susceptible to failure, even if you do find swingers willing to play with you.

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Cheating is NOT genetic...everyone has the power to practice integrity at the moment of choice.

 

 

I'm going to piggy back on this a bit. Claiming genetic inclination to cheating, and therefore can't help yourself is nothing more than an excuse.

 

Even if cheating IS 100% genetic, it's still an excuse, and yes you're still being an asshole if for no other reason than you didn't tell your wife to be that you have a genetic condition that predisposes you to cheating.

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Yep, just another cheating asshole. Hopefully she wises up and dumps your ass before too long, you frankly don't deserve the love and respect of a partner.

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If you're looking for something on the side with people who are true swingers then you won't get anywhere. I myself am not a swinger although my fiance is and if there is one thing I've learned about those in the lifestyle it's that they won't go anywhere near a cheating spouse.

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All I can say is how sorry I feel for you. It must really suck, on the inside.

 

If not, It will eventually...

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Okay, you need a therapist. Go get a good one. You cannot work this out on your own. Get a secular, psychological therapist that can deal with sexual and interpersonal issues.

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but I am trying to figure out what direction I need to go, to both settle my urges, and keep my marriage intact. Thanks in advance for all your help.

 

Your marriage is intact? Define "intact". Sure doesn't sound like it to me.

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Does that make me just a cheating asshole? In my mind, searching for swingers might be the way to go now. In my mind, swingers are probably safer about sex then most one night stands I would find.

My final question is, is searching for another couple to have more or less regular play times with a waste of time for me?

 

Yes, although moreso you are childish. Swingers are not the way for you to go.

 

Yes, a total waste of time; please don't help to further the public notion that swinging is full of discontented, demoralized people.

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Did you lie to the couple from Oklahoma, too? Perhaps you just forgot to tell them you were married? Do you lie to everyone or just the ones you want to have sex with and, of course, your wife?

 

I think your problem has more to do with having no morals to keep you from lying than with cheating.

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I fully agree with everything everyone else said.

 

Wow Mister, you have some stones to come in here and talk about cheating on your wife and then ask if you're an asshole?

 

Ummm... another thing. I don't think I'd be searching for swingers to play with.

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I just couldn't share her in that way.

 

Since everything else has been covered pretty well. I just felt I had to address this. That is one of the main things that separates swingers from the rest of the population. I have heard non swinging friends and associates talk about people they knew that had been outed as swingers and without exception, they had a similar attitude. They cheat on their wives but would freak out if they thought their wife was doing the same, and they can imagine having sex with a woman in front off her husband but just can't begin to think about seeing their wife have sex with another person. I don't know if it's an inferiority complex, juvenile jealousy, "traditional" thinking, whatthehellever, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

We're guys, we're visual, we're voyeurs, unless you have a hang up (and I know most people do for a variety of reasons) it is a turn on to see your wife/girlfriend enjoying herself. You think you've had the ultimate blowjob? Wait till your girlfriend/wife gives you one while she's being penetrated from behind. You want to have non stop sex for 2 weeks? The week before and after a playdate can be a bit exhausting, due to anticipation and the "after effect".

 

You're not wanting to swing, you just want sex on the side. I don't know where you live or what you look like, but the average single guy now days that has anything on the ball doesn't have a problem finding sex. Oh yeah, single women might not want to just be a side thing. Just set aside some discretionary funds and pay for a prostitute. They don't get paid for sex, they get paid to go away and keep their mouth shut and I think that is what you need, not swingers to involve in any drama/courts/shootings/etc.

 

:mad:

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Here is a little background on a swinging experience

 

First off, get something straight. That was not a "swinging experience". That was you cheating on your wife.

 

In Swinging, EVERYONE involved is open and honest with EVERYONE involved. Your wife was involved, you just did not inform her of that. YOU CHEATED on your wife, you did not have a "swinging experience".

 

Does that make me just a cheating asshole?

 

You already know the answer to that question. YES.

 

Time for you to find a new hobby and try to be honest with your wife. Let her find someone that has enough respect for her to spend the rest of her life with. You don't care who you hurt, you just don't want to be found out. Wrong answer.

 

Cheaters give swingers a really bad name because others think like you do, that cheating is swinging.

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Thanks for the replies everyone. I have been seeing a counseler for a while now. It has helped, but just recently I can't seem to stay focused and my mind is once again starting to dwell more and more on finding something on the side. I appreciate the honesty from you all.

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I have cheated on every person I have ever been involved with, and its something I cannot seem to stop doing. Often times I think it might be genetic,

 

 

Does that make me just a cheating asshole?

 

My final question is, is searching for another couple to have more or less regular play times with a waste of time for me? .

 

Cheating is not genetic, it is bad behavior that is pure selfishness in it's origins and destructive to everyone involved in it.

 

Yes, you are just a cheating asshole and yes searching for a DECENT AND HEALTHY couple for regular play times is a waste of time for you. The only people that will have anything to do with you are other selfish, destructive people that also have no moral compass or character or people that are so damaged and dysfunctional themselves that they can't see how destructive you are to them and to others.

 

My guess is you are a probably a skilled and polished sociopath that is able to hide your true character from people for a short period of time and are able to manipulate them and tell them what they want to hear so you can get what you want out of them for a short period of time but are never able to establish any kind of meaningful connection with them and once they are able to see your true colors they will either leave you out of their own sense of self preservation or they will enable you due to their own dysfunctions.

 

I'm not sure if counseling can turn you from a bad person into a good person but counseling may be able to help you to identify some of your core character flaws and to determine if you have any underlying chemical, behavioral or sexual addictions and can help you to address those dysfunctions.

 

If you have any bit of soul left, counseling may be able to help you identify and come to terms with your destructive behaviors and help you face and come to terms with those and help you address those with the people in your life so they can take steps to protect themselves from you before you hurt them any more than you already have.

 

I pray for your wife and wish her the best:sad:

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She told me to go back to her room because they had some cocaine.

 

I don't think I can add to anything anyone has said about the cheating aspect. There is a huge misunderstanding about the swinging community and your post here is just another example of people not understanding what I would say would be common threads that weave the lifestyle and the people involved together.

 

Examples of those things have all been echoed here such as communication, honesty, trust, respect towards your wife/SO and none of those are involved when you cheat.

 

I can't believe that nobody chimed in on the drug reference. Are there people in the lifestyle that use drugs, sure, but you will see the VAST majority of swinger profiles all say 'd/d' free. This is a lifestyle that two people share together to enhance an already great love life. It's not a 'party gone wild' sexfest of people stoned out of their minds. Even heavy drinking is really frowned upon in this lifestyle.

 

To top it all off, there wasn't a single mention in your post that you loved your wife. All in all, pretty sad.

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I love that you say that your wife wouldn't go for swinging. You are probably the kind of guy that would not like her to have sex with anyone else. You want it all for yourself. She might be home wishing that you would let her have sex with someone else.

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I love that you say that your wife wouldn't go for swinging. You are probably the kind of guy that would not like her to have sex with anyone else. You want it all for yourself. She might be home wishing that you would let her have sex with someone else.

 

Or might be off fucking the hot tennis instructor while her husband is off pretending to be a bachelor in Vegas ;) While I wouldn't condone her cheating anymore than his cheating, it would add a wicked bit of irony to the whole story.

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It's surprising to me that you would even need to ask if you were "a cheating asshole".

 

You must be looking for reassurance.

 

I guess we could throw "selfish" into the mix also.

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Well, we are very new to the idea of swinging, and we are in no way experts here. However, we do have an opinion about this.

 

We have had several discussions about bringing other people into our sex life and, while it has not progressed beyond conversation and fantasy, one thing our research told us is that we should have rules in place before starting anything with someone else. First among these rules for us is that we talk about everything, absolutely everything, both before and after. If both of us agree that something is going to happen, then it is not cheating for us.

 

It is a respect issue and an integrity issue. Integrity means honoring your word, doing what you say you will do. Sometimes, what you say you will do is what is expected by others (say, your wife for example) even though you may not have said so verbally. In this case, your word is that you would be honest with your wife. According to your original post, you have not done this.

 

Now, I will not pass judgement here. I ask you to look for yourself. You asked "Does that make me just a cheating asshole?" Only you can answer this, and you already have. Looking for validation here is inauthentic and a lie.

 

Now, that said, cleaning up your integrity may seem daunting to you. Yes, it means coming clean about what you have been doing and who you are. I invite you to consider that you have no idea what may happen in this conversation with your wife. It could go any number of ways, including several you have not thought about.

 

My question to you is, what kind of marriage do you want? You get to choose. Honest and respectful? Full of lies and deception? Something else? Once you choose that, then the actions to take will be obvious to you.

 

Again, just an opinion from someone who is no expert.

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Thanks for the replies everyone. I have been seeing a counselor for a while now. It has helped, but just recently I can't seem to stay focused and my mind is once again starting to dwell more and more on finding something on the side. I appreciate the honesty from you all.

 

Let's take the idea of cheating out of the original post, and instead insert, I dunno... Something just as offensive, say.. stealing..

 

"Grandpa was a thief, thought dad was, so.. I guess I am gonna be too, so where is the local WALMART"

 

Sounds kind stupid doesn't it? Sounds like the plot point from Law and Order

 

Set up your next appointment with the counselor and explain that to him/her.. Put em on speed dial..

 

I need to be frank here, you lucked out and found yourself included in a threesome, and perhaps the term Lifestyle or swinging was thrown at you for the first time..

 

Swinging, as you know from the explanation at the beginning of the first post is about sharing experiences and sexual pleasure... including others. Just to point out the obvious, but, if you have read anything else about the lifestyle you already knew what kind of reception your post was going to get.

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I use to be married to someone like you. It almost kept me from trying the lifestyle with my current husband, because I thought that is what it was all about. Him getting what he wanted and I was just the pawn to get it for him. You would never be an acceptable partner for us. That is one of our rules also as several have mentioned in prior posts already. We DO NOT have anything to do with a cheating spouse/SO. :nono::angry:

 

I know for a fact if you don't come clean yourself, your wife will eventually find out and I know what my reaction was and it wasn't a pretty thing. You might keep that in mind. However she reacts you deserve the worst she can give.

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I am going to make a promise to you. This is a fact that you cannot hide form. As long as you continue, your wife will find out. She may even find out about your past episodes in cheating. For all we know, she may have that information on hand at this moment but is waiting for HER right time to confront you! No matter what you do, it will become transparent!

 

My father was never able to stay faithful to my mother. He too tried that, "I'm just wired that way!" argument. It didn’t fly! they divorced and the world continued to spin. He looks back at what he lost and will admit freely to his children that he was a fool to let his urges get the better of himself. He was weak! He could have been stronger!

 

I think what troubles me most about your post is the fact that you come to a swingers board for suggestions on how to find a couple with which to engage your desires.

 

Certainly, you may find couples that would look the other way in the pursuit of pleasure! I fear that there are many out there willing to please themselves as readily as you would yourself! However, these couples are not with the majority!

 

Swinging is NOT Cheating! Each time an individual, like yourself, associates the Swinging Lifestyle with their cheating activities, the ENTIRE community ends up labeled! Although, this is not the only issue we have with the societal view, it does nothing to remove the cloud.

 

You, Sir, are walking a very thin line upon which you stand to lose EVERYTHING you have in your marriage! You do not seem to care who you take down with you. That is not just selfish but destructive at levels bordering on extremely DANGEROUS!

 

If you are seeking counseling, which I do not truly believe, you are reading the very same answers and suggestions your therapist is giving you! Discover the triggers and remove the potential situations to avoid further mishaps!

 

And yes, you are an asshole!

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I think we can let this thread go. The OP hasn't been back since his last post, in which he thanked everyone for the ass-kicking. That was about three weeks ago.

 

Here's hoping for the best for him and especially his wife.

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