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  1. #1

    Default When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Last week the Penn state basketball team was playing in NYC. Usually itís the football team that gets my friends excited. Several of my friends from Pa. were coming to town to watch the games. These are friends that introduced me to swinging. I was able to get 6 tickets, me and my husband, three girlfriends and a guy friend. Of course we told them to stay at our place. Penn State won the semi finals and our friends stayed for the Finals. Unfortunately my husband couldnít make the finals. I invited a real good vanilla friend. Someone I know many years. Our team won which was great. My vanilla friend went home after some drinks after the game. My out of town friends came back to my place. We had a great time.
    Now I found out that something was said to my vanilla friend. I had no idea. I got a call from one of my girlfriends apologizing that she MAY have slipped and said something to my other friend. I was stupid to mix the vanilla and college friends together. The last time they saw each other was before I ever did anything.
    I am worried that others will find out and I donít know if I can look my friend in her face.
    We Are...


  2. #2

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Worrying is pointless. There are a number of scenarios that can play out. Maybe it will never be mentioned because she doesn’t believe it. She could ask and you can deny by laughing and saying your college friends tell everyone that just to see reactions. If she presses you it might be because she is interested. That could be difficult to read. The worst thing to do is not being normal. If you speak to her during the week continue doing that. Don’t feel or sound guilty. Talk about what a great game it was.
    On the plus side our best friends surprised me that they have been swingers for years. When I found out and then realized my wife wanted to join them. Looking back it has opened many new things for us. Some will say don’t do it with friends. For us it is the best.

  3. #3

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Acting guilty is the surest way to convince him that what was said was true. Just act normal around him and more than likely nothing will ever be said. If something is actually said, just play it off as a joke, but really, what would he really say...'hey, in talking to your friend, it was said that you two are swingers, is that true?'. I think you will be okay, just don't let it change how you are around him. The first time you see him again will be the hardest, after that it won't be anything any longer.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  4. #4

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    The first reaction to learning something like this is usually a knee jerk judgement. Our vanilla conditioning reacts like ninja training. Fortunately, she has had awhile to mull this over. The human in her will start to think about swinging, free, open sex. Curiosity will reign over contempt unless she is a total bible thumper or mega-prude. My suggestion, when or if she approaches you..own it.

  5. #5

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    That would be my biggest nightmare. We have been careful keeping our private lives private. We have friends that wanted to take the second cruise with us. We were going with a couple we met on our first cruise where we swapped spouses. They ended up not booking the trip and I was relieved. You can’t take back what happened. You can pretend that you don’t know she might suspect anything. If she brings it up if you are anything like me your coloring will go white or red. You can try laughing it away and say it was a joke. Or you can jokingly say if she wants to join you and your husband. Make it funny so she will think you are joking. If she says yes then you have another swing partner

  6. #6

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Your response to this is the normal response from most, especially those new to the lifestyle. It’s also something that most of us at one point or another has had to face at one time or another. While unable to tell you what the right reaction for you should be, I can tell you what we concluded when we were faced with this. We decided that any relationship that we needed to lie to maintain probably wasn’t worth the effort.

    Don’t get me wrong, I try to never force or expound my point of view of any specific subject on any of our friends. But if asked I will respond with my honest opinion. The way we handled it was to answer the question with a question of our own, “That’s a rather personal question, what makes you ask?” My suggestion would be not to lie or deny. Either tell them the truth or refuse to discuss the subject as being too personal. If you lie they will most likely discover the truth at one point or another, and most will accept what you’re lying about more readily than they will the fact that you lied to them. You may also think about shifting from the defense to the offense in the way you handle the question if it ever arises, “Well (John/Joan) you surprise me, are you suggesting that you’re interested in having sex with us?”

    Like has been mentioned don’t worry too much about what hasn’t happened. While you will want to be prepared with an answer if it does happen, don’t obsess on it.

  7. #7

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    My husband says if she asks I should say yes we do and see how she reacts. His best friend knows and has enjoyed being invited to join us. I think my husband just wants her to know so we can ask her to join us
    We Are...

  8. #8

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Well, there's finding out and then there's slapping someone in the face with it. Since your girlfriends think they are living life in the fast lane with a one night stand, you are traveling near the speed of light (in comparison). All we can say is that we wish the world had more women like you...
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  9. #9

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    None of our vanilla friends know about this, but they know we have a vigorous sex life.

    If a friend did somehow find out and wanted answers they weren't entitled to, we'd just have to phase them out. I'd like to think we've already screened out the busiest busybodies, though.


  10. #10
    Swingers Board Addict alexandsandra's Avatar
    Status
    married couple

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    I had a girlfriend once realize I had sex with other people.

    Her: I just donít see myself doing that.

    Me: Well, then you shouldnít. Simple as that. Ever fantasize about just seeing a beautiful man and having sex with him .

    Her: Yes, but that is just a fantasy.

    Me: What you call a fantasy, never to be indulged, for whatever reasons you may have, I call something different.

    Her: And that is ?

    ME: Tuesday

  11. #11

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    If she brings it up again it might be because she is interested in it. I think most people would let it go after mentioning once. You can in a fun way ask her if she ever thought about playing with more than one person. Maybe she has a fantasy. If she does have a fantasy you then have to decide what you want to tell her. If she doesn’t bring it up again just forget it. I just wonder if you want her to ask. Have fun.

  12. #12

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Pretty sure she suspects. We chatted last night and I told her we were going up to Penn State today for Sat. Blue & White game. It’s a football game. It’s also a weekend of parties and tailgating. She asked if she could come. I told her we were staying at a friends place and there may not be room and others were coming too. She said she would take a sleeping bag. She had gone to a game before and she had a great time. I told her maybe next time we go up there she could come. I really felt bad telling her no but just didn’t want into the whole discussion. I chickened out.
    We Are...

  13. #13

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    The lioness is a chicken (no disrespect, just thought what you were saying is cute).
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  14. #14

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    F9AF674B-B83A-48EC-9F0C-1D2DB0669BFF.jpeg

    I saw this once, not sure where it is.
    I did chicken out. I am not sure if I want her to know. I love her as a friend but she can talk. On the other side I hate to lie or hide things. It takes too much bought to keep a lie. It’s one of the reasons I originally confessed of what I did. I’m not sure how she would react too. I don’t need her to preach to me. Then again maybe she wants to join in. I also think it would be strange for me if she did join us or it could be fun. Meanwhile I’ll just cluck.
    We Are...

  15. #15

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Quote Originally Posted by PSULioness View Post
    F9AF674B-B83A-48EC-9F0C-1D2DB0669BFF.jpeg

    I saw this once, not sure where it is.
    I did chicken out. I am not sure if I want her to know. I love her as a friend but she can talk. On the other side I hate to lie or hide things. It takes too much bought to keep a lie. It’s one of the reasons I originally confessed of what I did. I’m not sure how she would react too. I don’t need her to preach to me. Then again maybe she wants to join in. I also think it would be strange for me if she did join us or it could be fun. Meanwhile I’ll just cluck.
    Don't cha just love human beings, Board Members?
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it." óWill Rogers

  16. #16

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Quote Originally Posted by Alura View Post
    Don't cha just love human beings, Board Members?
    Newlyweds figurin it out?

  17. #17
    Swingers Board Addict padoc's Avatar
    Status
    couple
    SLS Profile
    padoc

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Much like a security clearance, you should decide what information to impart to your friend on a "need to know" basis. You have to remember that this hobby is not acceptable behavior to the general public. Your friend talks and your activities would be way too juicy a tidbit NOT to talk about to others. Unless she comes to you and says, "I think you guys are swingers and I'd like to play with you" she otherwise does not have a need to know.


  18. #18

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    I am not sure if I want her to know. I love her as a friend but she can talk.
    Sometimes 'chickening out' is the right thing, it's just your subconscious telling you what you already suspect. Better safe than sorry, especially if she is a talker.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  19. #19

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoCouple View Post
    Sometimes 'chickening out' is the right thing, it's just your subconscious telling you what you already suspect. Better safe than sorry, especially if she is a talker.
    I am already ducking her calls. This is becoming a poultry post, I am a chicken and I am ducking lol. I think I joined here for advice so here goes. She is my bestie, like all of us we have had small lies before, how much can I lie? If she asks, and she will, I will continue to joke it away. I think she knows though. I am really having anxiety feelings. Itís not like I did anything Iím ashamed of. Iím just ashamed to tell her about my sex life. Now Iím laughing because I have told her things before and so has she. Think this is different. Maybe I should just hook her up with our other friend. Shit life is complicated.
    We Are...

  20. #20

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Quote Originally Posted by PSULioness View Post
    .... I think I joined here for advice so here goes. She is my bestie, like all of us we have had small lies before, how much can I lie? ....
    Life can be complicated, but it does not have to be so. You still have some control / choices here.

    Perhaps you could try a more benign approach, to test the waters so-to-speak. (As opposed to blurting out a full confession.)

    If I have learned anything on this BBS, it is that open, honest communication can be a good way to build on a strong relationship (of any kind). However... Unfiltered or thoughtless communication, especially on a less durable relationship, could destroy it.

    If you are already familiar with having discussions with this friend that are deeper that the usual, casual friendly banter, then maybe you could bring up topics such as non-monogamy, or polyamory (which may not equate to swinging, but is in a similar category). Discussing these and other similar topics with your friend should give you an idea about where they stand on the subject, and how they may react if you gave full disclosure on your "alternative lifestyle choices".

    This also leads to another question.
    Generally speaking... How open-minded are they?
    Do they get upset at the mention of topics such as LGBTQ equality? Are they super conservative and devoutly religious? ... I have friends and family in this category, and they would likely freak-out badly if they knew that I even entertained the idea of non-monogamy as a permanent lifestyle choice.

    I have made my choice, and am willing to live with the consequences. I do not feel the need to advertise it openly, and shout it from the roof-tops, but I am also at a point in my life (pushing 60, etc.) where I am less concerned about what others think about my personal choices (as long as I am not intentionally harming others).

    You just need to decide, and be prepared for, what you can live with, and without... and act accordingly.

    Choices & Consequences. Ain't life grand?

    My personal business is just that. If someone is offended by my personal choices, and cannot accept it, then perhaps that is someone I do not need to associate with. I have been (loosely) associated with a very liberal religious community all my life. One thing I have gotten from that is the courage that gay people have for example. To live in fear of persecution for something you do not have a choice on is not much of a life. Today's climate towards homosexuality is WAY better than it was a century ago (at least some places recognize gay marriage now), but it is still not universally accepted. Truly Bi-Sexual people may have it slightly better, but not by a lot.

    Non-monogamy is in a similar category (of acceptance)... But is it a choice? For all?

    These days, I'd be inclined to say that openly identifying yourself as Polyamorous carries as much if not more stigma than being gay. ... Will acceptance of the Swinger Lifestyle ever be better, even completely accepted? I would think "Yes", just not in my lifetime.

    Of course all this may also depend on how you see it. Is it just a sport? Something you can easily take or leave? Or is it really a part of who you are?

    Speaking out though, and raising awareness, is the only way there will be any hope for common acceptance of any lifestyle, choice or not.

    :-)
    "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle."

  21. #21

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    As an educator, I am very guarded about with whom I share my personal lifestyle choices but I do have a few "vanilla" friends who know the real me and it hasn't caused any issues.

  22. #22

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Have you worried for no reason? Unless you didn’t post it. Did she ask again?

  23. #23

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    Quote Originally Posted by TricianMike View Post
    Have you worried for no reason? Unless you didn’t post it. Did she ask again?
    Yes she has. I’m not good at lying. I tried telling her I don’t want to discuss it.
    We Are...

  24. #24

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    I really don't have any friends, now that I think about it. Many, many acquaintances, and I'm an open book with just about everyone...to an extent. I am as open with others as they are comfortable with. But I am very picky about whom I actually call 'friend'.

    I think I have y'all beat. While I don't have any friends who might find me out, and I don't really care if any of my coworkers discover my secret, I do, however, have family. Had an awkward moment recently...I think it deserves its own thread, though.

    Lioness, you've got a couple of options: you can be matter of fact about it and tell the truth - because there's no shame in it if you don't feel any - or you can take advantage of the outlandishness of the idea and lie. No shame there either.

    EDIT: just saw your last post. It sounds like she's inquisitive, and the fact that you said you don't want to talk about it is as good as admitting that there's something to talk about. All I can suggest here is to keep your feelers out to make sure your friendship isn't suffering because of it. There's no need for it to; if hard feelings begin to develop, or persistent awkwardness, simply address it. Let your friend know that you've noticed your friendship becoming strained, and she means a great deal to you. Can you clear the air with her, please? If she presses you, just let her know why you don't want to discuss it. She may be hurt that you don't trust her with your secret.

    Just focus on your friendship and things will be okay.
    Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.

  25. #25

    Default Re: When your Vanilla friend finds out

    My life has become complicated. I don’t want our life to be lived around swinging. With my close friend now knowing my conversations with her have become sex centered. She is inquisitive. I can just shut her out. I don’t want to chase away my best friend. I have said that I don’t feel easy talking about it with her. She keeps asking. She asks details that I haven’t even thought about. The parties with my college friends just happen. How many? Do I pick who or do guys just come over to me? I try to answer with short answers. I just say yes or sometimes to her questions. She asked about how about condoms and I said of course. I hate when I lie. I also haven’t told her that I don’t pick the guy because at the parties I am usually there for others than the guys. I am not going to go near that topic with her. I’m not embarrassed by it, I just don’t need to go there with her.
    Now the other part that’s new. Our male friend. I know I could stop that. I don’t think I want to. I may want to in the future. It is still fun as long as it doesn’t overtake my normal life.
    This was easy when it was 250 miles away.
    We Are...


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