Getting comfortable with each other

What are some ways to make the less experienced partners feel more at at ease and comfortable?

If you were nervous, what were the things that helped? (or not, as the case may be)

When we first meet (for us it's usually dinner or drinks and goodbye...gives everyone a chance to talk about the meeting and decide if it is a good fit), we make it a point to bring up the topic of sex (you would be surprised how many couples that we've met that were uncomfortable to talk about sex). Any past experiences, limits and rules, preferences, expectations, etc. That way if there is a second meeting, everyone already knows what is and isn't on the table. The second meeting, the 'hurtle' is getting started. This is where the hot tub comes into play. We have a sign on the deck that says: Pool and hot tub -> Suits optional. We give them the option. If it isn't a home game, we try to (at some point) steer the conversation towards sex again and see where that goes. We also are quick to remind them that nothing will happen that they don't want to have happen. History has taught us that noobies are expecting the 'more experienced' couple to take the lead, but to do so in a way where they feel respected and 'safe'. Trust is key so take them to the door and let them know that they control what does or does not happen from that point.

What are some ways to make the less experienced partners feel more at at ease and comfortable?

 

If you were nervous, what were the things that helped? (or not, as the case may be)

Are you asking about the less experienced partner in a couple? (ie. I have more experience than my current partner) or the less experienced couple in a swinging situation?

The latter Julie. Thanks.

For the less experienced couple, what matters most is setting expectations and boundaries. For new couples, the venture into the LS is both exciting and scary. The reasons are simple, yet poorly acknowledged. You might simply take the list and get the issues out on the table.

1. Our relationship has been sexually exclusive; that exclusivity represents (not "is", "represents") one of our marital vows. What is the basis of our relationship if we let that exclusivity go?

2. We are new at this. We don't want to seem too forward, or too reticent, or...

3. We don't want to disappoint our dates, each other, ourselves.

4. We might experience jealousy, envy, sadness,....

There are several antidotes to this.

1. Remember the other couple are supposed to be playmates. Not lovers, spouses, judges, ... playmates.

2. Everyone has a first time. Every couple has many more first dates than second dates. Go meet them in a public place, decide if you like them, don't settle for folks you don't really like.

3. Tell them that it is not only a first date, but also your first time. You'll be pleasantly surprised how sensitive people in the LS are.

4. You are supposed to have fun. If it doesn't feel fun, stop. Regroup.

5. Communicate what you want...and what you don't want. People are not mind readers. Communicate what you like... and what you don't like.

6. At the outset, make a point of communicating and respecting boundaries--yours, your partners, and theirs.

7. Afterwards, talk though the experience with each other. Talk about what you felt for yourself, and for your partner. Many couples (we're in this group) find that even soft play with another couple gets the couple extra hot for each other. Let it happen.

For me this is an easy question....

Taking it Slow: Would be my prime answer.

In my experience of this lifestyle I sometimes find single people, and even some couples often want to RUSH INTO THINGS almost straight away.

In many cases people will message you and ask if you would like to meet up for sex? No chatting, no social meetings, most of the time the people asking don't even bother to introduce themselves, don't give you their names, don't discuss any rules, boundaries, or worries.

The other main example is, you chat for a very short time on line, you have 1 social meeting that lasts maybe 1 hour, then your suppose to decide if you want sex with these people or not.

Usually for many couples, for many new people interested in this lifestyle a quick nervous 1 hour social meet is not actually enough time to decide, not enough time for comfort to grow.

Its actually one of the things that does upset me about this lifestyle, because actually the average person would put in more effort to SELL A CAR.

TO SELL A CAR:

The owner spend some hours cleaning the car inside and out.

The owners take various pictures of the car inside and out.

The owner spend time and effort uploading those pictures to their PC.

The owner creates an advert on somewhere like E-Bay.

They then write an advert for this car that includes:

The cars history

The colour of the car

The recent service history

The millage the car has done

The amount of road tax that is left on the car

The last time the car had an MOT

What fuel the car takes

How many miles the car does per gallon of fuel

If the car has any damages

What special features the car has

What safety features the car has

Where the car is located

What the exchange or delivery terms are

The make or model number of the car

Then the person will log in everyday to answer questions and see peoples bids.

The list goes on....

In this lifestyle however people just say... "You want to meet up and have sex?"

That your average person would spend longer cleaning a car than they would getting to know a potential sexual partner.

Its a trend in this lifestyle that I have never been fond of, that your expected to decide to have sex with someone based on a few pictures and a random message asking for sex, either that or you are expected to decide if your having sex with someone from a fairly nervous 1 hour social meeting.

Usually people put more effort and time into picking a family dog, or selling a car.

Perhaps the best way to make people comfy would be having 2 or 3 social meetings in coffee shops or bars, then having 1 or 2 social meetings at your home or theirs. Clearly let the people know that you will NOT be having sex tonight but would like to meet up and chat more, have drinks, just be social, get to know each other better.

In most cases people are expected to decide if they are having sex within 1 hour, they chat for a while, they maybe have 1 social meeting, then they are expected to formulate a solid YES OR NO answer on the subject of sex. But shit I have known women who take longer than 1 hour just to decide what outfit they are wearing that night.

I'd say most of the time its MEN who want the answer NOW!!! Where women would prefer more time getting to know the person.

In my opinion people into this lifestyle should have more social meetings first, even if they really like someone, even if they are sure the answer is YES, they should still spend a little more time getting to know that new person or couple.

Some really good answers here, thanks.

I'm mostly interested in how to counterbalance "We don't want to disappoint our dates, each other, ourselves" kind of feelings (very well put, Fundamental Law, thanks). And yes your point "Remember the other couple are supposed to be playmates. Not lovers, spouses, judges, ... playmates." addresses it quite well.

What are some ways to make the less experienced partners feel more at at ease and comfortable?

 

If you were nervous, what were the things that helped? (or not, as the case may be)

Get to know someone in a non sexual way first.