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  1. #1

    Default Urgently need help, he cheated

    Husband (m/36) and I (F/34) have been married 12 years, 2 kids, and swinging for a little over 3 years now. For background he had cheated before, we spent years working on it, we moved very slowly in baby steps thru swinging, and all has been great for years.... or so I thought.
    Past few months noticed by husband acting kinda distant. I talked to him about it and he said nothing was wrong. We had been on several fun trips over summer so i thought it was just getting back into school routine. Our sex life had been dwindeling, but i just thought it was the normal ups and downs. He just didn't seem intetested.

    We were very excited for out of town weekend to a hotel takeover 2 weeks ago. The halloween one is always a blast. Before we go i tell him i've been feeling a little neglected and was hoping to have lots of sex while there to play catch up. He agreed.

    SAT night we hit the jackpot with a hot unicorn and the three of us went at it for 5 hours. Afterward he slept in other bed, i felt so disconnected but thought maybe he was just hot and let it go.
    We get into some major arguments after we get home. Bunch of stupid stuff he made worse by blowing up screaming and yelling. This is all so unlike him. I went snooping and my life fell apart.

    Turns out, he has been hunting craigslist for hookers for around 5 months. He would drive around a few times a week looking for streetwalkers. He admits to picking 1 up and paying her $40 for sex. Claims it was just that one time but i dont believe it. He did eventually come clean about the one after lying for 10 min when I confronted him. He says he's sorry and wants to work it out. I asked if he was sorry why didn't he tell me and why did he go back out looking again afterwards for weeks? He says he don't know.

    I'm so heart broken. We are swingers, he could have any girl he wanted as long as her man wasnt a total creeper. I did everything sexually for him. He was turning me down but out looking for hookers.

    I've stayed in shape, and not trying to sound concieted but often one if the best looking women in club. I'm sure i look better then any cracked out $40 streetwalker. There is nothing sexual i'm not willing to do. I wear sexy clothes for him. Hell I have threesomes with him.

    He says he dont know why he did it. It was exciting looking for them for months (but he only cheated once, yea right). I feel like i'm broken in a million pieces. Like he chose some nasty whore over me. What about stds? What if he would have been caught by police? What if, why, ect ect runs thru my head non stop. I hate him right now.
    He's sleeping in basement but everytime i see him i feel this rage that scares me. I can't even function, can't eat without puking, can't sleep, can't do anything but sit here and hate him. My kids know something is wrong but not what. Right now mommy probably looks crazy. I feel crazy. I'm eating xanax like crazy (4 a day) and its not even numbing me.

    I tried searching for cheating swingers, but couldnt find anything like this. Someone please help me understand. Why did he do this? I know i'm not perfect but i didn't deserve this. Why would he turn me down but PAY for it from someone else? I just cant wrap my brain around it. What do I do? Someone please help me.

    Edit: of course we will NOT be swinging now. Just felt safer posting this here because as soon as i said we were swingers on another board it was all hate talk and my fault because I allowed others into our bedroom. As swingers, we understand the difference, but normal population does not so thats why this post is here.


  2. #2

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Honey I have say to you I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I've been in a similar situation and 10+ yrs later I STILL can't figure it out. Mine was a girlfriend that refused to swap with couples but later I found that she'd approach the male half secretly behind everyone's backs. It's weird and makes ZERO sense doesn't it? It hurts, even today it still kinda hurts some actually. It will and it's normal. This is what I've come up with after having 10 yrs to think about it. People are quirky, we get off on a WHOLE LOT of different shit. I've come to the conclusion that while my girlfriend at the time loved me, she got off on the deception. Me being with someone else wasn't part of the fantasy. Here's the deal breaker though, her fantasy/pleasure was more important to her than my happiness and comfort. I feel like she raped me in a strange round about way. It's never right to just take your pleasure at the expense of the feelings of someone that loves you. It sounds like you love your partner dearly and good on you for that. You HAVE to set boundaries if you guys are going to have a go at this. It's very important to your emotional health and the health of the relationship that you establish and stick to strict boundaries with this type of behaviour. Anything less and you will stuck in a vicious, painful circle of cheating, lies and pain. You sound like your self esteem is still intact although it has taken a hit. Learn to be a little selfish and don't forget about the YOU part of this thing. You are important and deserve respect. I hope this turns out alright for you two. In the end I wound up moving on. Strange thing is that when I finally did move on, my girlfriend couldn't stand it. She wound up picking up and moving across the country because she couldn't stand to see me with another woman. Strange, right?? In the end I grew tired of trying to figure it out. Good luck hon and please don't forget about YOU.

  3. #3

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    This is a pretty terrible situation. It's been said and probably true that cheaters are going to cheat. It's probably not that he loves you any less. He is tearing himself apart inside because he doesn't know why he has this sick need. Our mental health is maintained by a complex system of chemical releases. This 'health' is not perfect and in many people, the wiring is kinda fucked up.
    The reason I understand this is I have spent about 30 years trying to understand why my brain is constantly telling me to do horrible shit. My wife, bless her soul, is the worlds most understanding woman. She has supported me thru this life with great understanding. I would not expect this of anyone else. You need to do what you need in order to be happy. Tough decisions ahead. I just wanted to help you understand that this may not be all his fault, it's not your fault at all and has nothing to do with how beautiful and sexy you are. Don't blame yourself.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    I'm so impressed with the above post. Recognizing that you have a weakness and giving your wife the opportunity to deal with it from a position of reality is so commendable. So many in your situation choose to take the easy way out and lie about the situation. Giving folks the opportunity to forgive is important. Problem is you can't forgive someone for something that they haven't come clean about.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    We're so sorry to hear about this as well. Not knowing your husband, we just can't know what he was and is thinking. Wagering a guess, maybe it's just 'easier' to just find someone and pay them and do whatever he wants. Maybe it's the excitement and risk of doing something forbidden. Maybe he's just a dumbass. Either way, the question is what do YOU want to do? If you want to stay and work on fixing this, then you need to tell him and see if he wants to stay. If he does, then you need to find a professional to help mend the fractures in your relationship. We wish that there was more that we could do (other than sending you our support and wishes). Please let us know how things go from here.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  6. #6

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    He's having ex with sex workers?
    If you ever plan on having sex with him again, make sure he is tested. Also you should get tested right away.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Difficult.

    Trying to figure out why it happened will just eat you up. Even the cheater might not understand or be able to articulate it, not even in his own head. But it's not your fault, and not a reflection on anything you've done (including swinging).

    The usual advice for these situations is giving yourself space and time to calm down and work out what you want, in your own time. You could even ask him to move out until that happens - actions speak louder than words. But maybe him staying in the basement for a while is distant enough... If you decide to stay together it should probably be on the basis that he has an awful lot of redeeming features which, if this ever happened again, would compensate for his selfish behavior.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    There is never an excuse or reason for cheating. There are excuses that one will give. To shift the blame is wrong. I am saying this from the one who has cheated. I owned up to it. I felt guilty. The best part is my husband excepted my apology and this was before we were married. My cheating is different than your husband. I/we were not swingers, I ended up in a bed with a college friend and a guy she was with. It was my first time with a female. It's a long story but in the end my mistake was forgiven and it even made our relationship stronger. I have figured that his forgiveness is a major part of why we love each other.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    To me the man sounds like a total dick head.

    You have a wife, you have a family, you can have threesomes or even foursomes whenever you want, but instead you put all of that at risk just to have sex with some filthy $40 street walking crack head. I have been cheated on before and in my experience once a person becomes a cheater and a liar they are always a cheater and liar. When a cheater gets caught cheating they don't think "I'll never do that again" instead they seem to think "I'll give it some time to cool down and I'll be more careful next time, next time I won't get caught" That in my experience it might be 6 months before they cheat again or even 6 years but at some point they will lie and cheat again.

    I can not really speak for his reasons, I don't know him or what is going through his mind, but I did once read a very similar story to this and what that person said I held some truth, basically the guy said he would see hookers behind his wife's back because it felt really easy just fucking someone without having to care about them at all. That when he had sex with his wife it involved talking, timing, hoping she was in the mood, often his wife would say I'm too tired / I need a shower first / not tonight, and then when he did have sex with his wife he had to focus on romance, foreplay, making sure she was satisfied.

    He also commented that with a threesome or foursome there is also a lot of communication, a lot of waiting, trying to figure out if you like the person, then after group sex his wife may experience jealousy, issues, worries, concerns all of which tuck dealing with, that actually swinging tuck a great deal of effort and arranging, you both need to be off work at the same time, both need to be free, have to speak with the other person or couple to see if they are free, that it can often take a lot of effort and end up as an emotional roller coaster.

    However.....

    Seeing a hooker is very different indeed, there is 0% need for talking, effort, planning, you simply throw some money at them, pull down their knickers and do whatever you want, you can say whatever you want to them, do whatever dirty things you want, basically treat them like a sex slave / sex object. You have purchased a service, that very much like ordering take away food it cuts out all the hassle, you open the wrapper, enjoy the food, then simply throw away the packaging. Its easy, simple, your in control.

    Like stated you have sex with your wife and everything becomes a question, can I have a blow job tonight please, can you lick my balls please, can we try anal sex tonight please, can I come in your mouth please. You try swinging and that can also take a huge amount of effort, talking, planning, organisation, and then you face a lot of questions, did we like them, what did you think, should we meet them again, that actually simply having sex becomes a job / task. The guy explained with a hooker however you just throw some money at them and then do whatever you want, no need for big talks, no excuses, no need to care about that persons satisfaction, no need for big arrangements or plans, basically you throw some money at them, unwrap the package, do whatever you want, in whatever order you want, then push away the used wrapper and walk away leaving them cleaning up the mess you leave behind.

    Men will often think "I just want to shove my dick in someone"

    They ask the wife it becomes a question.
    They try a threesome it becomes a big job to arrange.

    The hooker just offers an easy simple fix, here is some money and minutes later their bent over with their legs spread, no questions, no big arrangements, for that short time I guess its like having a sexual slave who will do whatever you want without asking questions.


    MY ADVICE......


    Well my advice perhaps isn't very romantic or even hopeful, but in my opinion YOU should document this incident very well indeed.

    If you can copy the messages your husband sent, find any cheating posts your husbands made, keep a diary of when this happened, what your husband actually said, write a secret diary of times, places, events, go to your doctors and tell your doctor that your husband cheated with hookers, that you worried about STD's, that your depressed, tell your doctor to please write in your medical records that your husband cheated with hookers, make sure he writes it in your medical notes, create real evidence that this happened.

    If you can get film records of the posts, messages, or emails your husband sent whilst looking to cheat. Consider speaking to someone very close to you, someone you know you can trust, maybe your sister, brother, someone who will not gossip and tell them what has happened as a witness. Failing that go and see a therapist, even if its just for 1 hour. Tell the therapist what you are doing, tell them your husband has cheated various times / with hookers and is putting your entire marriage and family at risk and you need that fact and your feelings surrounding that fact on record, tell your therapist you are devastated, depressed, emotionally injured, that you can't sleep, have had issues at home or work, that your truly upset and need a record of this, ask them to write a simple report about what you have said.

    I'd not mention swinging to any of these doctors / witnesses / therapists, just focus on your husband cheating and using hookers. Don't divulge anything that could put your name, or your actions in jeopardy. Don't forgot to mention the time he cheated before, he is a "Serial Cheater" it has happened before and will happen again. Suggest to your husband that you should have marriage counselling? If he says NO then that's not a problem simple make a note of the date and time you asked him. You could also call a marriage counselling service a book an appointment, then ask your husband again to consider counselling, if he says NO then again write the date, time, and appointment your going to have to cancel due to him saying no.

    Basically document and create as much evidence as you can, you could even record a conversation with your husband where you talk about his cheating with hookers, use the voice record function on your mobile phone or get a office dictating recorder and have a very blunt conversation with your husband and why he has cheated, why he has spent months looking for hookers, where he met these hookers, how come he cheated years ago and is now cheating again and record the conversation or even argument, stay cool, be polite, if he becomes angry them okay you have that on tape.


    THEN......

    If he cheats again, if in the future you decide to leave this person, then you will have solid grounds to do so, you will have documented evidence. That its nasty to say but if this situation reached a divorce court, that if you broke apart, then more than likely your husband, or your husbands legal advisers would paint a picture of you as been a lying sex crazed swinging women who has slept with anyone who comes along. They will paint a picture of you as a loose lying women who sleeps around, who gave her husband permission to see prostitutes, who is making all of this up.

    If it does reach that stage then you also need to have a large folder full of evidence that points at your husband cheating, that clearly points out you visited doctors, visited a therapist, made or cancelled appointments for marriage counselling, spoke with someone close in hopes of securing advice and help, that YOU were trying to fix the situation, you were trying to stop his cheating activity, that you were trying to stop him from breaking the law and putting his family at risk, you were so upset by his cheating lies that you sought medical help and advice, maybe even depression medication.

    If this situation does reach the worst case scenario then you need as much evidence in your corner as possible, you need to show your husband cheated, the rough times and dates this was happening, your attempts to fix the situation, date and times where you have argued about his cheating behaviour, any copies of messages, emails, phone records, you can get your hands on, even his search history for computers he uses.

    Basically the more prepared you are now, the better records you keep now, will help you dramatically if this subject ever reaches a court or divorce. I guess you might not want to hear that, I guess at the moment your focused on repairing the situation, but in my experience cheaters do not change, once a cheater always a cheater, and chances are your husband will be back seeing prostitutes in a few years once the dust has settled.


    You may also consider covering your own tracks and destroying any evidence that could be used against you. For example if you and your husband have swingers profiles then log into those profiles and delete all of the sent and incoming messages, delete all of the photos, delete any comments, details, profile text, then change the password and deactivate the account. If you have an email address you use to organise your swinging lives then do the same, delete all the messages, delete any drafts, saved messages, then change the password and deactivate the account.

    It is however vital to understand that simply deactivating the account will do nothing, such accounts can be recovered, you have to manually delete all of the messages pictures or comments yourself then change the password and then deactivate the account once everything has been deleted. Try an limit what evidence he can gather about you and your swinging activities.

    Obviously its your call what you do now, you could break up, or you could try and repair this situation, but still if this does happen again in the future, if you are unable to repair this situation, then its at that point you will need all the evidence you can get. That if you gather this information now, if you truly detail all of these times, dates, events, then it could help protect you in the future.


  10. #10

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Hi
    1st off It's not about you - yes it hurts you because of what he's doing - but again it's not any thing about you or any lack of ( put the word in that fits )

    Actually i really doubt it's about sex also - it just happens to be that now.

    From what you have posted about him i would be looking at any loss that he has had with in the last two years, or the feeling of loss.
    It seem to me that he is tiring to regain some type of feeling ( again it's not you )
    some call it a middle aged crisis - but i think this maybe more then that.

    So what to do.

    Again do not blame your self - you have very little to do with what is going on with him in this - once you understand this you will be able to help your husband back to who he is. The man you love and want to be with.

    It may be a long road though. So you have to deiced if your willing to do it. If you are willing.

    1. get all checks from the doctors - clean up your health for both of you.
    2. Talk to him ( with out reacting ) Tell him your on his side but will not except his behavior as it is detrimental to your marriage and both of your health and must stop and it hurts you also.
    3. get him to a good doctor that deals with mental health, no it does not mean he is crackers lol they are just better trained to find out what the problem is ( he may not know himself )
    4. make a date night for the two of you ( do not have sex - not yet any way on this date night ) this night is about re connecting and showing love to each other though - gentle touching, kissing and sharing why you love each other Not Bonking lol.
    This reconciliation is very important as it will help with the feelings that you both carry now. in fact if all you do is one thing then this is it.

    The above are only the start of your walk in this but if you want your marriage to last then start,
    It will be hard - i know how i would feel if it were me going though this - but to actually go though it would be near bloody murder i would think - But it can be done and done well.

    Good luck to you and him
    Please let us know if you have any other thoughts or needs.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    2 weeks in. Life is hell. Barely functioning. Std results are in and thankfully got a all clear. Repeat in 6 months just to be extra safe.
    He's sorry and he loves me and he wants to change and go to therepy and blah blah blah. But any question I ask his response is IDK.
    I'm down to 2 xanax a day instead of 4 but alternating between severe depression, anxiety, & rage. Even sleeping is hell waking up screaming and crying from dreams I can't remember.
    I still don't know what to do. How is it even possible to both love and hate someone so much at same time? I feel like this isnt real and if i could just wake up it would be ok. Who is this man? Was everything a lie? Does he even love me? How did I not know? This is devestating. I've had a lot of shitty things happen in life but this pain is unbelievable.... made worse because it happened before. If you believe in a God, please say a pray for me to find peace.

  12. #12

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    First of all, thanks for following up. Second, we're all still here for you. Any time you feel the need to talk or vent or whatever, we're here. You are NOT alone. I'm sure that you have friends and family in addition, but here you can say whatever you want without judgement.

    Love and hate are the extremes of an emotional scale. Not a linear scale but a circular scale (where love and hate almost touch but don't). When he says he doesn't know the answers to your questions, most likely it's because he just doesn't know. Men sometimes just do things without analyzing the possible outcomes, especially emotional outcomes. Men aren't supposed to use or even have emotions so they can ignore emotional warning signs. Not trying to make excuses for him, but most likely he just doesn't KNOW why he did something so stupid. However, even if he knew exactly why (and he doesn't), it won't make things better...it won't fix anything. Since it sounds like you are planning on staying, get (at least for you) a councilor that you can talk to. Don't take this all on yourself. Use ALL of the help available. In the end, it is going to take time to heal these wounds and there's no way to speed that process up. Time, support, communication, and more time. Just know that the worst is over now and that every day things will get ever so slightly better.

    Still, we are so sorry that you are having to go through this, just remember that you don't have to go alone. Keep talking and we are praying for you.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  13. #13

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    louisvillemojo ... You sound pretty desperate, so I'll weigh-in here a bit, not that I feel overly qualified in this instance (with any direct experience with your current situation). I have dealt with chronic pain however, so you have my sympathy there, and just about anybody here should be able to see your need for some relief.

    I feel for your kids. Having come from a broken home (several times over, before I was a teenager) I can only suggest that anything you can do to get yourself some relief, and also give them a clue as to what is going on (in a way that is appropriate for their age) will certainly help in the long-run. As you mentioned, they gotta know something is up. They must be really scared too. Constant exposure to fear is not a healthy thing.

    There have been some good points posted above. Most importantly being that you should not blame yourself for his actions. Guilt will not help the healing process at all.

    You mentioned that you "tried searching for cheating swingers, but couldnt find anything". I get that this is an unpopular niche. I applaud your effort. That is a step in the right direction. My first thought when I read your first post in this thread was that it would help if you could find some kind of (live) support group / network / community. This BBS is a good outlet, but it cannot substitute for sympathetic face-to-face contact, especially that will include your kids.

    You definitely sound like you can use some "experience, strength, and hope"... so I urge you to keep looking for that. I'm sure there is some help nearby.

    You mentioned therapy. For sure I would pursue that. If he will not participate, at least do that for yourself.

    My next suggestion I make with some nervous caution. Not sure what the rules are on this BBS for this, and I generally shy away from "giving advice". (For this reading this with curiosity, I was in an Al-Anon ACOA program for a while.) But here it goes:

    I am not sure if you have any spiritual / faith / religious affiliation. If you are, with any popular / main-stream "church", then it is unlikely your "lifestyle choices" will be embraced (as you have already experienced with your "cheating swingers" search).

    I do know of one organization that will (or should) welcome you, and offer you some support, that will also be able to include your kids. The umbrella group is the Unitarian Universalist Association. Find them at UUA.org ... I did a search and there are 3 fellowships / congregations near you (which is pretty impressive to me). Exploring their website(s) a bit should give you some confidence that they are worth visiting. Look it up using your zip-code at:
    https://www.uua.org/find

    This is a very diverse group / community, and they are very welcoming to "alternative lifestyle" type folks. Try visiting or speaking to each one of the three. (Trust me, not all UUA affiliated congregations exist equally.) Get an audience with the minister or lead lay-person who helps folks in your situation. After contacting / visiting each of the three, you will know for sure if you can get help / relief there. I suspect you will.

    If nothing else you will (or should be) accepted there, and find some sympathetic ears. I'm pretty confident that you will find someone there who has direct experience with your situation, that can offer you some strength and hope for how to cope with it (for immediate relief), and even recover from it (over the long-term).

    The emphasis on the UUA is community. It is easier to heal in a group situation, especially if you can get direct contact with folks that can relate directly to your experience. Your kids will likely find a healthy outlet there a well.

    Here's hoping you can indeed find some Peace.

    Be Well....

    bud
    :-)
    "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle."

  14. #14

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Quote Originally Posted by louisvillemojo View Post
    2 weeks in. Life is hell. Barely functioning. Std results are in and thankfully got a all clear. Repeat in 6 months just to be extra safe.
    He's sorry and he loves me and he wants to change and go to therepy and blah blah blah. But any question I ask his response is IDK.
    I'm down to 2 xanax a day instead of 4 but alternating between severe depression, anxiety, & rage. Even sleeping is hell waking up screaming and crying from dreams I can't remember.
    I still don't know what to do. How is it even possible to both love and hate someone so much at same time? I feel like this isnt real and if i could just wake up it would be ok. Who is this man? Was everything a lie? Does he even love me? How did I not know? This is devestating. I've had a lot of shitty things happen in life but this pain is unbelievable.... made worse because it happened before. If you believe in a God, please say a pray for me to find peace.
    Hey
    So yes you will go though the " i love you but I'll kill you " stage and it's normal - so are the other things you have talked about.
    I know your feelings are near unstoppable even with the knowledge that it's his problem - because you have been hurt.

    But if you want to ever get back on track then you have too stop now and when those feelings come tell them to fuck off - you are not to blame and he needs help!

    Try to look at it in a different light ( yes easy for me to say but hard to do - i know )

    If he had broken a arm and it effected you in some bad way - would you then blame your self or feel like shit because of it? or would you take control and work out what to do and fix it?

    This is what you need to do now if your ever to get any where with him. Pick your self up and be strong for both of you. ( please realize we do feel empathy for you - but some one has to take charge )

    Get him into the docs for some good old therapy and STOP asking questions for now ( he doesn't know why he's a dick to you - it probably does not make sense to him either now )
    Now to some of your worries about not knowing and him loving you etc....

    I truly believe he does love you and that he now is sorry but i also believe this is something that he does not know where it's coming from.
    Check my posts on here lol, if i thought for one minute that it was any thing but this i would of said so up front.

    Lastly i am a god believer and we will pray for the both of you in this matter.
    Please look after yourself as you go though this and always remember there are those of us that are willing to be a sounding board for you to vent if or when you need too.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Thank you all for your replies. Today i'm pissed. Several swinger friends have wrote asking where we been. I gave generic excuse about being busy. I hate him. There went 80% of my friends. There went things i was looking forward too, like holiday parties, new years eve, already paid for lifestyle vacation in Jan. Ect ect
    I'm so angry and hurt. Why did he have to destroy my life and take so much from me? Why, why , why. That's all my life is anymore, constant pain and why's. I'm not ok, and don't even know how to be ok anymore. I can't believe this is my life. There is no joy or happiness, i'm barely functioning. Then i'm angry because it hurts so much and i allowed him to take this from me. He doesn't deserve my tears but I can't even stop crying. I'm angry with myself for being weak.

  16. #16

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    You are NOT WEAK. Anger is an expected emotion, but you are not weak. Why lie to your friends? Tell them what happened, that he was cheating on you. Just because they are swingers, doesn't make them any less friends (hey, we're swingers too)...you'll most likely be surprised with how much support the give to you

    I found this on the net and think you should read it, especially the day 1 to 6 months:

    Day 1 – 6 months (some may make it through this period in 3 months) Trauma Stage:

    A period of numbness, shock, and overwhelming grief. Some may call it the melt down period. You are in crisis. Both the hurt spouse and the offending spouse are unable to think clearly.

    It’s important not to make any big decisions during this time, while you are in the emotional trauma of the moment, because these will likely be decisions you will regret later. Neither is it smart to think that you can solve every thing and heal the marriage while you are in this heightened emotional state.

    The first thing you need to think of is stabilizing yourself. Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Take care of yourself.

    If you stabilize yourself and have some guidance, you can begin to do some work towards healing as a couple, but it’s a good idea to put some distance between you and the initial emotions.

    You are likely to experience a myriad of ups and downs. You’ll go from vigilance to save the marriage, to struggling with thoughts of anger, hatred and revenge, to just wanting to give up and cry alone in a dark room. You may experience all of this or only one side of it.

    Don’t underestimate the physical impact of this experience. It’s common to experience weight loss, loss of sleep, and general weakness. Be sure to get some nutrition in your body and some exercise.

    If you are the betrayed spouse, do not blame yourself. THE AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn’t deserve for this to happen to you.

    If the marriage is to be healed, the person who had the affair must break off their affair completely, and they should do it in a way that is agreeable to their spouse. It is their business!!!


    Here's the link to the rest:

    Stages Of Healing From Infidelity - Beyond Affairs

    See, everything you are feeling is normal. Just be sure to take care of yourself and talk. develop a support system. We're all here to help you get through this. Wish we could give you a big hug, but just know that you are not alone and you are not weak.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  17. #17

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Quote Originally Posted by louisvillemojo View Post
    Thank you all for your replies. Today i'm pissed. Several swinger friends have wrote asking where we been. I gave generic excuse about being busy. I hate him. There went 80% of my friends. There went things i was looking forward too, like holiday parties, new years eve, already paid for lifestyle vacation in Jan. Ect ect
    I'm so angry and hurt. Why did he have to destroy my life and take so much from me? Why, why , why. That's all my life is anymore, constant pain and why's. I'm not ok, and don't even know how to be ok anymore. I can't believe this is my life. There is no joy or happiness, i'm barely functioning. Then i'm angry because it hurts so much and i allowed him to take this from me. He doesn't deserve my tears but I can't even stop crying. I'm angry with myself for being weak.
    As the others have said your not weak - you see your life go down the drain - we'd be pissed to and going though many of the emotions your now going through. - Get some help you must take care of you 1st - Then and only then can you help others ( husband or any one else )

    I should of said that the advice given by myself is for when you are feeling better and can then take control. ( sorry i thought it was implied lol )

    Are you seeing a doc or therapist? have any friends that you can talk too? Hell get on a help line and vent if you have too.

    So please take our advice of getting your self help 1st - while posting on here is ok and we want to help if we can please at lest try to look after yourself.

    If you can not eat or keep it down take some vitamin pills, while you go though this anything to help keep your body going.

    Lastly - there once was a king whose kingdom was destroyed and many of his people killed - looking to his wise men ( that were left ) he asked what can i ever think off to help put this back together?
    They gave him a ring with the words on it "This to shall pass" ( many different peoples claim this saying) I find when all hope is lost that it helps me think of the future and what i can do to bring in better days - I hope it will do that for you also.


  18. #18

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    How are you doing?
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  19. #19

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    WHAT LUV2WAS SAID!

    Haven't even started LS yet and your post hurt my heart. He broke some major boundaries and his IDK does not cut it. This is more than cheating and he has to want to find out why for himself.

    I learned about another organization recently called EA (Emotions Anonymous, maybe that could be a resource as well.

    I've made a mistake in my past, and it broke me, but in the most positive way, I learned and grew from it. My heart goes out to you.

    I know this feels like hell right now. It's difficult to see it, but this is not your permanent residence, things will get better!

  20. #20

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Holidays suck when upset with spouse. Just trying to get thru each day. Seeing a counseler togeather, and he is also seeing a therepist and working a program for sex addiction. (Idk if i buy into the whole sex addict thing. He sure turned me down a lot.) But we are attenpting to work on things and i have been encouraged to wait at least 90 days before making any plans. He's sleeping in spare room now. He's kissing ass and doing all the right things but ive just lost so much respect for him... idk.
    Biggest issue right now is we have nothing to do. Our social life for years revolved around swinging events... clubs, parties, vacations, meet n greets.... hell 80% of our favorite people are swingers. And I dont want to tell them what happened. I'm embarressed and ashamed and that drama label would follow us forever.
    So we have nothing to do anymore. Its lonely and boring. I never realized how much swinging played into our lifes. We catch ourselves pointing out unicorns and pineapples in stores. Sexy talk is difficult. Just lots of little things. Any advice?

  21. #21

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    Thanks for the update, we continue to wish the best for you both.

    I wish that there was an easy way to fix this, but there isn't. Just keep moving forward and things will (hopefully) start getting easier. One thing that you could start doing is think about dating each other again. Try to get back to where you used to be years ago when you just enjoyed being around each other. Just a thought. You could also go to some of your events solo...not to play, just to socialize. Just say that the two of you are taking a break for the time being but hope to be back soon. Anyways, tanks for the update and best wishes.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  22. #22

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    I did not carefully read your post , but I wanted to comment , there does not seem to be a reason to trust this man any longer . For your own well being the 2 of you should probably divorce . Its 2017 , what he is doing is very very dangerous.

  23. #23

    Default Re: Urgently need help, he cheated

    That is not up to us to decide, we are only on the outside looking in. If she chooses to stay (and so far she has), then we are going to support that decision (just as we would support her if she didn't). We will never know all of the factors that come into making a choice like this. She is doing what she feels is the right thing to do and we wish her the best outcome possible. Emotional hugs have been sent her way...
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

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