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  1. #1

    Default 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    We have played with a couple a few times, but Mr says that although he likes the other wife, he's not that into her sexually. From what I can tell they are both into us and I'm into them. I feel that if we are not turning down other opportunities then it's ok to play with them occasionally, but he says that he would be 'taking one for the team' and that I 'already owe him' from our previous encounters. The more I try to explain my reasonings, the more he digs his heals in and threatens to never play with them again. I feel super frustrated; I feel like he's cock blocking me, especially when there are no other options for an upcoming weekend. Am I overreacting? I feel like the roles wouldn't be reversed, as if I wanted to go out and play I would still enjoy spending time with someone who was into me, I enjoy the social aspect a lot more than he does too. I know it shouldn't ask him to be with people he's not into, but he's a lot pickier than me it turns out! I feel like he has all the power...


  2. #2

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    Be very careful, forcing anything on anyone is a bad idea. He will quickly resent swinging altogether if you make him take one for the team, allowing him to be uncomfortable just so you can be is a deal and relationship killer. Tread lightly and good luck
    Remember alway at the slowest persons comfort level, always!

  3. #3

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrstiger View Post
    We have played with a couple a few times, but Mr says that although he likes the other wife, he's not that into her sexually. From what I can tell they are both into us and I'm into them. I feel that if we are not turning down other opportunities then it's ok to play with them occasionally, but he says that he would be 'taking one for the team' and that I 'already owe him' from our previous encounters. The more I try to explain my reasonings, the more he digs his heals in and threatens to never play with them again. I feel super frustrated; I feel like he's cock blocking me, especially when there are no other options for an upcoming weekend. Am I overreacting? I feel like the roles wouldn't be reversed, as if I wanted to go out and play I would still enjoy spending time with someone who was into me, I enjoy the social aspect a lot more than he does too. I know it shouldn't ask him to be with people he's not into, but he's a lot pickier than me it turns out! I feel like he has all the power...
    We view swinging as a reward to both of us, as perk to our relationship. For this to work for us, we both have to be 100% in agreement on who we play with, and both of us have full veto power for any reason. If one of us isn't fully into the other couple, there is no way we would play with them, even if we didn't have anything else to do.

    I think the biggest mistake people make in the lifestyle is putting pressure on themselves to be with others. We were like that when we started, but it has evolved to if we find someone and have a good 4 way connection then we play. If not, we are perfectly content just having sex with each other.

    I certainly don't want to feel like I am in a position where I have to have sex with someone, just because my wife wants to be with the guy. If she pressed me, it would probably end our swinging completely. I would view it as her being selfish, no one should feel like the are 'owed' anything. There have been many times where I have cock blocked my wife and she has done the same to me. Taking one for the team is simply not an option for us.

    Swinging should not cause hard feelings or frustration. It needs to be fun, exciting and something you both want to do. Anytime we have felt any tension of frustration because of swinging, we take a break until we are on the same page again.

  4. #4

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    Turn this around: Imagine HE'S really into the woman and you aren't particularly into the guy (as in not sexually interested at all). How would you feel? That he is not sexually interested in the woman and you still want to get together with them is pretty much the definition of 'taking one for the team'. If either of you two say no to anyone or anything, the answer MUST ALWAYS be no for both of you...no questions, no penalties. He's said no to this couple, then move on and find the next couple.

    At the same time:

    ...I 'already owe him' from our previous encounters
    This is also a bad thing. While swinging IS a team sport, there shouldn't be any score kept or (other than for discussion sake) no other stats kept from the past. Either you both 'win' or you shouldn't be playing the game with whoever you are playing it with. The past is nothing but a pleasant memory, everything else has got to be let go. It sounds like he feels that he has been taking one for the team too many times in the past (usually it's the woman who feels this way, but in the name of equality it's fine if he is feeling it). If a couple isn't a go for both of you, move on. If one partner is feeling like they are making all of the sacrifices, this will lead to problems down the road.

    Listen to what your husband is saying and tell him that it's okay that he feels this way. DO NOT minimize his attempts at communicating with you. Find another couple and remember that how your husband feels is more important than how you may feel about a play mate. Play mates can be replaced much easier than husbands. His feelings and him being able to tell you about it (i.e. his trust and communication) should be the most important things in the world to you.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  5. #5

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    If you're not totally together with this, it will break you apart.

    You're marriage is the only thing that matters. If Swinging is interfering with your marriage, you'd don't Swing.

    I knew a naval Captain and once I asked him how he made decisions on his ship. He eplied that it was simple, whatever is in the best interests of his Ship.

    Same here, whatever is in the best interests of your marriage. Again, nothing else matters.

  6. #6

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    Great advice. We’ve both had to pass on attractive playmates so that our partners were not uncomfortable.

  7. #7

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    As the song says, sometimes we don’t miss it until it’s gone. Put them on a shelf for around, go back to life before this couple and see if he misses the activity and wants to return, maybe on a less frequent basis. Either way, it should be him over them.

  8. #8

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrstiger View Post
    I feel that if we are not turning down other opportunities then it's ok to play with them occasionally,
    I agree with that totally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrstiger View Post
    but he says that he would be 'taking one for the team' and that I 'already owe him' from our previous encounters.
    It seems he is being unreasonable to you. You like him, he doesn't like her. I guess it's part of the game. He wants to move on, you would like to stay.

    You like fucking him and want to fuck him again. You don't want to lose a good fuck. Maybe you can make a deal with your husband.

  9. #9

    Default Re: 3 out of 4 is just frustrating...

    Quote Originally Posted by M1F2KTJ View Post



    It seems he is being unreasonable to you. You like him, he doesn't like her. I guess it's part of the game. He wants to move on, you would like to stay.

    You like fucking him and want to fuck him again. You don't want to lose a good fuck. Maybe you can make a deal with your husband.
    Completely disagree. In particular, I disagree with the "You don't want to lose a good fuck" aspect. It seems this would be the epitome of selfishness, in that it is thinking about one's own pleasure at the expense of a partner's anguish (maybe anguish is too strong a word, maybe not).

    For us, and the majority of couples we know, if both aren't into it, we both aren't into it. Period.

    T


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