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  1. #1

    Default Uneasy with his best friend

    I had posted about my brief swinging life. Prior to getting married there were some hiccups. My husband had joined me and my college friends and though I have been with guys my main focus has been the other girls. We have talked about how it was to watch the other having sex. I think we have become comfortable with the situations. I mean we did get married so it didn't make us mad.

    In the short time we have been doing this it has been with friends who aren't near us. It was based on school friends and we didn't bring everyday friends into our secret. Now my husband's best friend is someone I think is a really terrific guy. We do a lot of socializing with him. We have gone on many of his first or second dates with girls he meets. We have lots of fun with him including joking about sex. My husband asked me if I ever fantasized being with his friend. I truly haven't. He has admitted that they have swapped stories and the question now was would I bring this best friend into our bed. I would say he persuaded me. Our first time I would say I was very nervous. Let's say he did most of the contact. Looking back I was a dead fish lol. My husband know that he made me cum more than once and I told him I enjoyed it. I was just uneasy.


  2. #2

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    There are two schools of thought about this (do a search for 'friends'). Some think that (and it really depends on the person/people) it's okay while others (us included) think that the risks far outweigh the benefits. If anything goes wrong...bad blood, he falls for you, things just go south, are you ready to lose his friendship and for your friends/family to hear about what happened? He also might not be interested when the offer is made. If you are SURE that the friendship is strong enough that bad things won't happen, then it's up to the two (three) of you. Otherwise, with how many guys looking to swing with couples, it's just easier to find someone who doesn't know your friends/family. Either way its up to you, only you know all of the details. We would rather make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  3. #3

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Hey PSU

    Keep it away from friends - i say this because you felt you needed some advice and that says to myself you don't want any bad feelings or what ever.

    The best way not to have them is not to do it. maybe later when you have some marriage time under your belt or maybe never.

    let us know what happens.

    PS. Married - to the same guy we have talked about before? good one!

  4. #4

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Not sure how you started in this but our dive in was also the bi side my husband wanted to watch me enjoy. The guy was going to be just a collateral experience. Some of the guys have been plenty of fun too. Your sex with friends has already been crossed. You and your husband had sex with your friends. Were there problems with those experiences? Is the question that now that it is his friend there is a problem. You stated you like him as a friend and your husband is the one who suggested this. I am taking that you like him as a friend. If you didn't you made a mistake. No taking back a line you crossed. If you like him then enjoy the experience. Remember your husband approved it.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Time for a time out? If you are uneasy with a situation it is time for that talk. I know the talk can be as difficult as the act. Unless you and your husband have the talk you will always have trust issues. I say this from experience. Believe me you will feel better after talking. You can tell him what you like and what you don't and more importantly why you are uneasy being with his friend. If you took the advice and read the threads after searching the term friends, you will see so many that say don't do it and a few that say it's the best. Having sex with people you like and having fun with it. You need to search your own wants and do what you need. The best is when you and your husband are on the same page and the worst when your pages are in different books. Possibly your pages are in the same chapter.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    We started with my wife's best friend. I was uneasy and asked why. Got over that and enjoyed and have had plenty of fun with them. Like most men I feared she would like sex better with him than me. They made the whole experience fun. You say you like him as a friend. What better partner than someone you enjoy in the vanilla life. You say you already did it with him, now let the experience open up. You should enjoy it not dread it. Have fun.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    We started with MFM, an acquaintance that we had met a few months earlier with his wife, and had hung with them evenings in Key West. The literature, experienced people overwhelmingly say no friends but a number of MFM and swaps, we brought a friend into it with MFM. It’s worked well and we now two other such friends. But, even with our success in “breaking the rule”, I would definitely say a friend is not a good starting place. The feelings the two of you may go through with the first MFM, the first her and other male, the first swap, the first more orgy like situation and so on. Only when you know exactly what you enjoy, what you are comfortable with and not with, should you consider bringing in a friend.

  8. #8

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Hubby raised an interesting issue. While now we consider ourselves as swingers, have a “first swinging experience” and those who participate have developed rules, guidelines, recommendations of what to do, what we shouldn’t do, etc., Back in the day, folks weren’t swingers, didn’t consider themselves such, they just smoked a few joints and “partied” together”. Interesting, I remember doing the same, boyfriend, his apartment mates, possibly another girl, kissing or playing, getting topless or naked, etc. Just a part of it. Wouldn’t have said we were swinging.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Adding to my post above, I asked my wife on her feelings of being with friends vs strangers. I knew the answer before asking. It was her and her friends plot that got us started. She said in the beginning there was fear. We could have lost friends but now we both agreed that we enjoy our friend even more and it's outsiders that she is more uneasy with.


  10. #10

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    I feel I may be unreasonable in my thoughts. My husband said he was sorry for bringing his friend and that I felt strange. We had the conversation. Maybe we jumped too fast. I know I was the one who jumped first, he was pushed. I said I was sorry if he felt he was pushed into this. He said he has a brain and could have said no and he chose to go along. He said he has enjoyed the few times we were with my friends. He apologized for bringing our friend, his friend, into our bed. The conversation was civil even though I couldn't answer some of his questions after being honest with myself. He asked if we should stop seeing anyone. I said I could. He asked if I enjoyed what we did. I did. He asked if I had fun with the guys in Pa. that we partied with. The ones I knew and the ones I just met. I said they weren't the reason for this. Yes I enjoyed the parties. He reminded me that I did things with guys I just met that I didn't with our friend. He meant oral and some kissing. I had to agree that it sounded strange. I tried to explain it was easier with people who aren't in our everyday life. He said I could have said No before we crossed the line. It's so hard to explain my feelings. I said I wanted to but he is like family to us. I also told my husband I didn't want to hurt him. He said he was the one who made the suggestion. I knew that. I was still hesitant. I think I was also afraid of messing up a friendship.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Hey Psu
    Just like everything there is a learning curve for us all - sometime we have bonderies that we think we can cross but that crossing the line just does not sit right with us,

    You and your husband have gone though some of these already and life will bring more ( count on it )

    So what to do for this one.

    Well if your talking about it then you have most of it solved already, remember it's the two of you 1st and every one else comes after that - sit down with him and nut out your boundaries together - write them down if needed adjust then only after talking with each other.
    In reality you had sex with someone you may not off in a vanilla world, take it as a learning curve and both of you decide what it is you want and follow that. if the friend is not in those plans then so be it - just explain that your not comfortable with the friends being play mates and move on.

    It's ok to try things out if you like it great if not then don't do it again.

    Good luck

  12. #12

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Luvin you know this has been a fast journey for us with some major bumps that almost ruined our relationship. I had to explain to him that it was him I wanted and that everyone else was just entertainment. So much has transpired in so short a time. I would never even thought of doing something with my friend. I don't know if I was drunk, cold, tired. I can't say I was even curious about being with my girlfriend. Looking back I still can't believe I allowed things to happen. After convincing my husband that it was just fun, nothing more. Well we both got involved and now we are married.
    Being with his best friend who is now my friend should have been easy. I didn't want to see him nude yet I enjoyed what he did to me. I tried to do things with my husband while our friend did things to me. I don't think I even touched him. My husband said that I told our friend to do me. I don't remember that. Funny what I remember.

  13. #13

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Instead of making friends swingers, it's just so much easier and safer to make swingers friends. Still, what's done is done. Learn form this and move forward. Stop looking back, you'll miss the scenery. It's okay...
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  14. #14

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    I am going to give a contrarian answer. We have played with friends. There were some issues, she was comparing husbands performance. I didn't consider him less a sex partner than my husband. I enjoyed him. I enjoyed both of them in our vanilla life. As someone said what's better than being being with someone you like. Our first time with them was a silly giggles time. We didn't feel pressure because we all were enjoying. Your husband made the suggestion. I'm sure he thought about it first. Maybe it was your first time with two men. Can you invite one of you girlfriends to even the score and give your husband something more to do. Enjoy your friend. First time is done. Go forward and have fun unless you don't want to.

  15. #15

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoCouple View Post
    Instead of making friends swingers, it's just so much easier and safer to make swingers friends. Still, what's done is done. Learn form this and move forward. Stop looking back, you'll miss the scenery. It's okay...
    I don’t know that I agree with your first premise. I mean, its a witty thing to say and hear on the surface but friends are someone you have learned to trust over time. Swingers, more typically someone you just met and almost by definition, very few stay even acquaintances with you over time. I would recommend a friend as a starting point but over time, we have brought a few into our mix specifically because we do trust them on multiple levels.

  16. #16

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Which is why we don't just jump in bed with anyone. We want to feel some common ground before we move forward. Our current FWB have been that for going on 4 years. We are also on speaking terms with every couple that we have played with (even if we have drifted apart and don't speak very often anymore). While it would be nice to be able to makes swingers out of friends, the risk/reward of something happening (they break up, get mad at us, say something to someone else and suddenly our community finds us out) isn't worth taking the chance, but that's just our opinion. Your actual mileage may vary.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  17. #17

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Yesterday was the first time being with him and other friends out for a night. I know all the warnings about playing with a friend and how there is a possibility that others would find out. My husband said I shouldn't worry. Nobody will know. I swear I felt sick just seeing our friend last night. This is a guy who is always fun to be around, a guy who makes me laugh and enjoy our nights out. He most likely thinks I'm a dud in bed and make fun of me. I was making myself physically sick worrying about seeing him. When we finally got to the bar where our friends were I know I acted differently. I wasn't myself. I know it. I guess everyone noticed I was quiet because my friends were all asking if I was okay. I tried laughing and dancing and being myself. I was lucky that our friend stayed away from me. He was being a sweetie not making it worse for me. Finally he quietly asked if I want to talk. I told him I was fine just not feeling well. He said I'm not acting like myself. About a half hour later he came to me and said we Have to talk. I didn't want to but he insisted we talk. We went out and the first thing he said was he was sorry. I told him I was fine. He then said he would never mention anything about that night. He went on how we are his best friends. He wouldn't do anything to come between us. He was almost crying. So was I. He said nobody in the world would ever know. Just the 3 of us. We talked some more, he gave me a hug and said lets go back to everyone. He did joke like he normally would when he asked if I would blow him before we went back. It was a joke he would normally make. He is such a good friend of ours I don't want it to be a strained thing.


  18. #18

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    I think you need to think why you are not comfortable with your friend but you were with men you hardly know. Would it be better if your husband wasn't there? You did the deed already, your secret is out with him and he said your secret is safe. As in our case, we are most happy enjoying things with our good friends.

  19. #19

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Quote Originally Posted by findinganswers View Post
    I think you need to think why you are not comfortable with your friend but you were with men you hardly know. Would it be better if your husband wasn't there? You did the deed already, your secret is out with him and he said your secret is safe. As in our case, we are most happy enjoying things with our good friends.
    I wish I could answer that. I'm not sure. He has already seen me have sex with others. It was people he didn't know. He had sex with people I know. Maybe because they aren't in our everyday lives. His friend is like a brother. I love him like a brother. He so much a part of our life. Maybe it's because I was asked to do this. Or maybe I am afraid that something bad could happen that would ruin the friendship. I'm not afraid of having feelings for him other than how it always has been. It's something I am still thinking about. I think I want to enjoy the situation if we get to that point again.

  20. #20

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Quote Originally Posted by PSULioness View Post
    ............I'm not afraid of having feelings for him other than how it always has been. It's something I am still thinking about. I think I want to enjoy the situation if we get to that point again.
    You will probably say that I'm wrong and that you know yourself, but at the age of 62, with 45 years behind me of relationships, long and short, a lot of women who have in different ways been part of my life, being an eternal optimist romantic, I can tell you that you never know how your heart will feel tomorrow or next week and who it will burn for. Also, a friend that you are 100% sure will never be more than that, even if sex happens, can in a moment all of a sudden, become an incredible passionnate fire that consumes every second of every day. In my life every time a relationship had ended, after a while I would wonder, looking in front of me, who will be my next gf? what will she look like? A few times, while I would be looking at new faces, life would show that it has more imagination than I and love would tap me on the shoulder, from behind, in the form of a female friend I had never thought of as a potential gf because those feelings had never been there. That's the amazing and also scary thing with loving feelings, one minute they're not there and the next minute they are.

  21. #21

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    I love him like a brother.
    Could this be the reason?
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  22. #22

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoCouple View Post
    Could this be the reason?
    I think it is and I even told my husband that. And when I said love it was in the endearing way not the romantic way. My husband would do anything for him. So would I. Lol I guess we both proved that didn't we. We aren't arguing the point. He thinks I am being silly. He has no problem with me and our friend. He even said he would rather our friend then some of the other guys we don't know. That led to me asking if he wanted me to stop playing with the guys my girlfriends are with. He emphatically said he has learned to have the fun. He said if I asked him that way back he might have thought differently. I know he has enjoyed once he started. He even asked me if I would feel better if he didn't watch me and I said that it had nothing to do with it.

  23. #23

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Most important thing is that your friend respects the two of you enough to set this aside and continue to be great friends. You've learned from this, now let it go. Glad that all of you are adult enough to be able to move forward.
    If you donít have to lie about sex, you donít have to lie about anything. - John Williamson

  24. #24

    Default Re: Uneasy with his best friend

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldCoCouple View Post
    Most important thing is that your friend respects the two of you enough to set this aside and continue to be great friends. You've learned from this, now let it go. Glad that all of you are adult enough to be able to move forward.
    He has been very respectful. I saw him twice since then, yesterday on the beach with a group of friends. My husband said he asked if I was mad at him. I asked him how he responded and he said he told him I wasn't. I'm not mad at him. I know it wasn't his idea.

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