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cpl36996

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

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My wife and I stop swinging with our long time friend for about a year now and every time I bring up a get together with him she gets mad and turn off, so I stop bringing the swinging up.

 

A month ago after having sex ourself I asked her if there was any real reason for not swinging and that if she didn't trust me anymore? She then said that was not the reason, then I asked her if she didn't like the way he have sex with her, she plainly said no so I said what was wrong then...and she replied it was because I touched his dick at one time (at the beginning our affair with him) I just did it to teach him how she likes to get aroused. Also that she was afraid that I would become gay. With that said, I immediately told her that she should not be afraid and that she can be sure of what she have that I was not going to turn into a Bruce Jenner (she laughed) and again I reassured her that she should not be worry or even think of that. After that event she still reluctant to talk about swinging with our friend, but in other ways she coming back like going to a nude beach again or bringing threesome cartoons jokes.

 

So I feel that I have to comfort her all over again for who knows how long before to go back to our regular play.

 

She also said that what she felt during our swinging was not fake or to please me.

 

My question is now for the more experienced people here and I wish Julie would be one of those voices. How should I go about this situation and what's your 2 cents on this?

 

Thanks guys!

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This is a tough one but you're certainly not alone in the situation. A lot of us have had spouses who seemed to enjoy swinging as much as we did but then decided, for various reasons, they just didn't want to continue.

 

I don't think that bringing it up more often does anything but make the spouse defensive. But little things that remind them, if they do have mostly fond memories, can't do harm.

 

Maybe she's just uncomfortable with you being there. Have you thought of suggesting that she see him alone? That might bring her back around.

 

And the men touching each other is certainly not a sign of being gay. She needs to understand that. But then, it could just be an excuse.

 

Anyway, I sure hope something either works for you or that you can accept the reality that she's not going to play anymore.

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I have experienced this at least 3 or 4 times in my swinging life.

 

It's something I have began calling "The Change"

 

In other words, you ask your partner about swinging and they give a very positive reply, they seem eager and excited to try the subject, they happily say "Yes" to the idea of threesomes. Within time you meet a new person and end up having some wonderful exciting threesomes where everyone is happy and excited. Those threesomes do not cause any problems, it often brings fun adventure and excitement back into your sex life and everyone seems happy. THEN out of nowhere the women suddenly experiences THE CHANGE.

 

That one day you walk in from work and mention swinging to her and suddenly without any real reason she has changed her mind about the subject and now wants to stop it totally. Just weeks ago she was happy to take part, just weeks ago she had fantastic sex with you and another man, NOW HOWEVER she become ratty / upset / snappy / moody if you even mention the subject, at times she even becomes cold / hostile towards you just for suggesting the subject which in my experience is very dangerous ground and often leads to relationship break up's within a few years of it starting.

 

WHY DOES THIS CHANGE HAPPEN?

 

In my experience this change happens because of a variety of reasons, for example:

 

1. TRIED IT NOW: The women has now TRIED the swinging subject, she has marked it off her life experience list / marked it off her bucket list and now wants to move on to other things such as going out, holidays, shopping, hobbies, having babies and so on.

 

2. DIRTY: The women was all excited by the idea at first, she got horny about the idea of sex with some new hot man, she got excited about been able to explore sexually, she imagined a world where she got to meet some tall handsome man who would treat her passionately, who would treat her with romance sex and thrills. She imagined a clean handsome man treating her with respect, almost like a second boyfriend where she got lots of attention and dreamy fun nights with him. The actual reality is often two men banging and pumping away at her, having bare back sex with her, leaving her dripping in male cum, focusing entirely on sex and it ends up making her feel used / dirty / like a dirty sex object or sex toy / one of my ex partners once said.....

 

"It makes me feel like a prostitute who isn't been paid"

 

That it made her feel dirty / ashamed / like a lose women / like she was been used.

 

3. RISKY: I also think at times women see this subject as been "Risky" or even dangerous which speaking honestly it can be. That a women often has worries such as, what if our family finds out? What if our friends find out about our dirty secret little sex life? What if my work mates find out? What if we catch an STD or sexual infection?

 

4. JEALOUSY: I think perhaps one of the biggest reasons for this change of heart is usually jealousy, that at the start the women imagined herself getting a new lover, exploring some new man, that she would have per partner, then have another man to play with as well. However the very second she realises HER PARTNER is also having fun then women seem to experience problems. Basically what a lot of women end up saying is....

 

"Look I can have fun, I can have sex with other people, but it upsets me when you have fun, or when you have sex with other people"

 

5. A WOMEN'S LIFE: In my experience a lot of women TRY the threesome subject until they realise the reality of modern day life. The reality of modern day life is that if a women wants sex she can click her fingers and some single man will appear wanting to have sex with her. Women get hit on / get sexual invites / sexual interest anywhere they go. A women can walk in a shop to go shopping for food and men will look at her, smile at her, even try and make flirty small talk with her. A women can walk down the street and virtually every man who walks by her will take a look at her.

 

When a man see's a women in the street the first thought in a mans head is "Would I have sex with her?" in other words if your wife / girlfriend wanted to have sex with another man there are millions of men out there who she could meet alone. She does not need to be part of some complicated threesome, she doesn't need to share, she doesn't need to have big long talks as a couple to have sex with another man, in fact all she needs to do is smile back at the man smiling at her in the food store and bang she has a new man willing to have sex with her.

 

In many cases women have mobile phones and on those mobile phones are stored the names and numbers of 50% of the men she has ever slept with and another 20 men who have asked her for sex before. In many cases if a women just wanted sex with a new man that new man is 1 text message away, in many cases it would take a women 10 seconds to find a man to have sex with, enough time to write a text message. Once a women realises she doesn't need a threesome to find sex, that she doesn't actually need to share then they often go off the idea of threesomes.

 

In the past several partner have said to me....

 

"Look if I want sex there are countless men I could just ask, I could easily cheat, men ask me for sex all the time, why do I need to take part in this risky complicated threesome that we have to discus and share, if I just want sex there are loads of men out there who will happily give me sex without needing to share, without any thought or planning required"

 

6. PLANNING: In years past I have also found the planning aspect of having threesomes does put a massive downer on the subject, that having to "PLAN" your sexual meetings puts a massive negative aspect onto things. For example if you want to have a threesome with your special friend you need to ask your partner if that is okay? Can our special friend come over this Friday night? If your partner agrees they can come over then often you have to PLAN that meeting. You have to arrange a time to meet them, you have to make sure you are bathed and clean, you have to wear nice clothes, you have to tidy the house, have to change the bedding on your bed, have to arrange drinks for people.

 

Have you ever noticed if a women is getting ready to go out for the night they end up been fairly stressed. That a women is going out to a nightclub with her friends, well for 2 or 3 hours before leaving she is running around the house, she is showering, brushing her teeth, drying her hair, doing her hair, frantically looking for her make up, trying on different clothes, adding perfumes, trying to chose what jewellery to wear and often they get stressed. I have known several women in my life who take 5,6,7, or even 8 hours just to get ready for 1 night out, such women do everything from curling their hair to plucking their eye brows before they even set foot out the door and sure that can be a stressful time, they have a 100 little things to do before they even leave the door.

 

Well having a threesome can be the exact same for a women, that they need time to get ready, they need to clean themselves, wear nice clothes, or even tidy the house all whilst mentally preparing to have sex with someone else that night. If you ask a lot of women what they think sex should be they often say "Spontaneous" that it should just happen, that it should be a natural thing not a planned thing. That in romantic films we see lovers falling into each others arms, we see moonlit walks on snowy winter nights where two lovers suddenly decide they want each other. What we don't see on those films is the husband calling his friend Bob to come round a double bang the wife, what we don't see is the women frantically running around getting ready.

 

The entire aspect of planning a threesome / planning to have sex with someone else kind of kills any romance or magic. What should be a fun exciting magical experience turns into a rushed hectic dirty sex meeting that you have to plan / arrange / talk about / discuss / prepare for all of which creates extra pressure.

 

7. PREGNANCY: I'd say in general about 99% of the men out there want to have bare back sex, in other words sex without condoms. Not many men I have met in my life want to wear condoms and this can cause a worry about pregnancy in a women's mind. Two men both having sex with her without condoms, if she gets pregnant then what then? Who is the father? What would we do? There are hundreds of stories about women been on contraception and still getting pregnant, a girl once said to me....

 

"You might like threesomes, you might be easy about the idea, but its not you who is getting two dicks rammed up you is it"

 

She asked me to imagine two men shoving their dicks up my bum and both cumming inside of me, and asked me how I'd feel?

 

8. OBSESSION: In a lot of cases women go off the idea of threesomes because their boyfriend or husband becomes obsessed or even addicted to the idea. That the only thing the boyfriend or husband speaks about is group sex, the only time the couple has sex is if they are speaking about or having group sex, that a lot of women fear that "ITS TAKING OVER" that the idea of group sex means more to the man than their relationship does.

 

9. HOMOPHOBIC: You also have to remember that some men, AND women alike can be very homophobic, that they do NOT want to see man + man action, or in some cases women + women action. I have known women who find the idea of two men been together as been disgusting / wrong / dirty / not nice. I find a lot of women are totally turned off by the thought of one man having sex with another man and if you are having threesomes involving two men it can cause issues. A lot of women do not want to see two men together, or even two women together so it causes an issues.

 

 

OVERALL:

 

There are plenty of reasons why a women would simply change her mind about swinging and in my experience once her mind has changed there is no going back. The more you suggest the subject the more hostile they become, the more you try and talk about it with her the more arguments you end up having. Many people will say the key to success is to communicate and talk as a couple, but that's only any good if the person your talking to actually wants to talk about this subject.

 

There is a very long list of things you could try but in my experience once a women changes her mind about this subject then that subject is over.

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I think that was an excellent analysis although I am not entirely sure about all the points. I do think it gives a lot to think about.

 

I would also add this. If a man decides not swing it is more likely that the woman in the relationship goes along with it and doesn't worry about it. I think swinging for us kind ebbs and flows, sometimes we are out somewhere every weekend. Then we can go months without it.

 

I think your wife also just wants some 'control' of her sex life. Don't forget that, aspect. We have some regular sex partners but they are not our only sex partners. I think it would get kinda dull for us if they were. It's not like you are emotionally attached, right?

 

That's my two cents.

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Wow im surprised of Sun&Moom analysis but i don't think she falls in any of those scenarios but it is very well thought I'll keep that in mind two thumbs up!

On the other hand i like ViSexual idea maybe giving her a chance to be along with him will bring her around I'll have a talk with her about it and see what her thoughts are in this regards. I want to thanks those who approach this situation and give their best of their experienced im glad for those who runs this web!

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I think the biggest thing here is that it took over a year for the two of you to talk about what the issue was. Now you know: she doesn't like you touching other men. It doesn't matter why or who or how, it just mattered to her so don't do it again. Work on improving the communication and then ask her if she is interested in trying again. If she says no, then the answer is no (move at the speed of the slowest member), but if she says yes, make sure that you both know what the limits are and stick with them. Let her set the pace and let her know that you will follow her lead. Good luck and let us know how things go.

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Wow im surprised of Sun&Moom analysis but i don't think she falls in any of those scenarios but it is very well thought I'll keep that in mind two thumbs up!

On the other hand i like ViSexual idea maybe giving her a chance to be along with him will bring her around I'll have a talk with her about it and see what her thoughts are in this regards. I want to thanks those who approach this situation and give their best of their experienced im glad for those who runs this web!

 

You seem ready to accept anything in order to rekindle the 3somes....but I think you should also realize that if she is alone with him, it's not a 3some anymore and as much as some couples have successfully navigated through those waters, when one partner goes solo, the risks of strong emotional bonding with the other man increases exponentially.

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