Situation the other night...

So my wife and I are new to the scene. We went to our second swinger's party at a club the other night and met a really good looking couple. The girl was so good looking I froze and lost all my confidence. My wife and the guy ended up hitting it off and having sex in the club behind the shadow box. She did ask my permission first and I said ok. Me and the girl just sat at the table while they did it. I felt very left out and jealous. My question is should my wife have said no to the guy since me and the girl weren't hitting it off? Do couples usually agree that if there's not chemistry between all four nothing happens?

This just seems like a communication issue. It's OK to say "no" for any reason, but for whatever reason, you felt like you should approve something you were uncomfortable with.

This just seems like a communication issue. It's OK to say "no" for any reason, but for whatever reason, you felt like you should approve something you were uncomfortable with.

I'm starting to think maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't getting any? I've never had any jealousy issues in a foursome situation.

Swinging is a team sport. This is why we always play together. Everyone plays or neither of us play...doesn't matter if one of us gives permission or not (however, you shouldn't have given permission if you weren't hitting it off with the other woman...your bad). Hopefully you will both learn from this and not let it happen again. The couple that plays together stays together...

I'm starting to think maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't getting any? I've never had any jealousy issues in a foursome situation.

I don't really experience this, but Mrs. E does. Totally reasonable and something to be aware of.

Swinging is a team sport. This is why we always play together. Everyone plays or neither of us play...doesn't matter if one of us gives permission or not (however, you shouldn't have given permission if you weren't hitting it off with the other woman...your bad). Hopefully you will both learn from this and not let it happen again. The couple that plays together stays together...

Great advice...thank you!

My question is should my wife have said no to the guy since me and the girl weren't hitting it off? Do couples usually agree that if there's not chemistry between all four nothing happens?

I don't know that she necessarily should have said no if you were indicating that you were cool with it. Probably a case of trying a little too hard to make things happen, meaning you weren't totally cool with it but didn't come right out and say that. Like the comment above said...communication issue, and that will get better with time. Swinging is like anything else, the more you do it, the better you get at it. With a little more time under your belts you probably will be able to predict exactly what the other one is thinking and will say. You still should confirm that of course, but experienced couples have a way of communicating where a lot gets said before anything actually gets said.

Four-way chemistry required is usually how we do things. We're at a point now where if we were at a club or something and one of us had the chance to play solo, then I don't think either one of us would totally rule that out just on principle alone, but it hasn't happened yet and if it did, it would be more the rare exception rather than the rule.

I can only relate how my wife and I moved from one point to another. And the changes happened primarily with me. I settled in with the idea after a couple of years that my wife would always be more successful in attracting playmates that I. I decided I was having fun enough even if "it" did not happen every time.

And with more time I developed the confidence to walk right up to the prettiest woman in the room and start a conversation. All that was needed was time.

Erik13,

like others have said - Don't say yes when you mean maybe if i get a bit too. it never works out, puts a gap between the most important thing at the club ( your wife/partner ) and for what ? sex!

So talk to the wife and ask her what she thinks - does she know your feelings? what did she say when you and the other wife did not get it on?

Your allowed to "feel sorry for yourself" but own it - it was not her fault if you say OK, better to say no next time. so neither of you have to go though this type of stuff.

I would be interested in what your wife thinks of it all and how you plan to communicate to each other while playing.

Regards.

Thanks for all the advice. Wife and I had a talk last night and agreed next time if all parties aren't on board, nothing happens. This situation was 100% my fault, not hers. I was actually happy for her that she scored a guy so hot!

Glad to here you guys can talk about it - that's the best thing out - take care of each other and have some fun on the way.

Swapping implies exactly that. Your wife and the other guy followed through on the agreement. Either you or the other wife, really didn’t act in good faith. You need to evaluate, was it you, or was it the other wife that lacked the interest in carrying out your implied agreement.

This situation was 100% my fault, not hers.

Team sport, doesn't matter who made the mistake. Nobody should be 'blamed'. All that matters is that you learn from it and don't make that mistake again.

Thanks for all the advice. Wife and I had a talk last night and agreed next time if all parties aren't on board, nothing happens. This situation was 100% my fault, not hers. I was actually happy for her that she scored a guy so hot!

I wouldn't make that the requirement. That is if you mean by "all parties on board" you and the other wife are going to play as well. I would make the requirement that both you and your wife be honest with oneself and the other. In the situation described in your original post you said OK to her, knowing that you and the other women were not hitting it off. Then you got jealous or felt sorry for yourself. If at the time you said yes you knew that you were going to be jealous or feel sorry for yourself, you should have said no. On the other hand if you did not anticipate those feelings then you have learned something about yourself to keep in mind the next time this comes up. I guess my point is there may be a situation where only one of you has the opportunity to play and both of you are in agreement that they should go ahead and play.