Betrayed & Confused

My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for over 5yrs. Mainly MFM threesomes. I recently found out that I have been cheated on. She had been playing on her own with guy she met on CL. Myself, along with my kids, some friends and relatives received a private message through Instagram & Facebook from an unknown user that shared explicit and detailed description of what took place between them. And there were pics that supported it.

I confronted her… she broke down and admitted to her infidelity. She explained this happened 3yrs ago, when things between us weren’t going so good. I didn’t understand that, as we were already in the lifestyle and had a few encounters with men that we now see regularly. She explained that our get togethers weren’t as fulfilling as she wanted it. I have to mention that I’m BI, however our regulars were straight and there were no M2M contact other than the incidental while DVP, which was agreed amongst all of us. She explained that she wanted to experience another male on her own without me being present as it sort felt to her as I was in control. She wanted that rush and excitement of being in control emotionally and mentally. She had met with this person on a number of occasions and had sex without protection, which is big no-no. He knew she was on birth control and mentioned in his message that I couldn’t sex her up the way she wanted to. She admitted it was shellfish of her and that it was mistake that she regrets ever doing. Although it was just sex, she said it too wasn’t as fulfilling as she wanted it to be because there wasn’t that connection and having the thought of me not being there. She couldn’t come terms and right mind to tell about the affair. But she assured me that it was a 1x thing and it would never happen again. As twisted as it may be, I was actually turned on knowing that she had done this and I keep imagining her getting pleasured by another male without me being there. I make dirty talk about her having sex with the other guy while we're having sex and it seems to get her much more excited. I must say we've gotten more intimate and passionate when we make love and I feel we both are very satisfied. But I still can’t shake the thought of her possibly doing this again. As much as I hated that it happen, I still get turned on by the idea that it did. Am I hating this because she hadn't told me about her plans? Because I was betrayed and this was kept from me for over 3yrs? What would have happened if I didn’t find out? How could she have kept it from me for this long? Would it have continued? Were there other men she played with? What about her safety? What could have happen if I wasn’t there? How can I save face and carryon like normal for the benefit of our kids and to save our marriage?

I love my wife of 25+yrs, forgave her, but I can't forget. She had broken the trust, respect and commitment between us. I was betrayed. And moreso, breaking the main rules we had in place for being in the lifestyle: we never play alone…always together; always play safe w/condoms; and always communicate, share our thoughts, after thoughts, our fantasies.

But I also don’t feel that she's remorseful of her actions. Sex is awesome but our discussions out of bed sometimes end up in arguments. I just feel that there's more she's keeping from me as it seems as though she avoids the subject. We haven’t swing since.

With all these questions in my mind, I’m (we’re) also having to dealing with the humiliation, the questions and speculations of people knowing, the insecurity of marriage, making sure the kids feel loved and supported and reassuring them that everything between us is good . Not to mention dealing with her pics lingering on social media.

Anyone in a similar situation? Any tips on how to move forward?

Betrayed & Confused

I see that you are a new member here at Swingersboard so I want to say WELCOME to the board.

I feel sorry for you that you have found yourself in a situation of this kind. How do you feel deep down about your relationship? If you value the relationship and want to recover it, a professional marriage counselor you should both see. If relationship give you more bad feelings than good feelings, I recommend that you find a good divorce attorney. In either case, you should both agree to stay away from swing activity.

I am sure you will get many responses with good advice. You have already received the advice to ask yourself how you want this to end and what you want from your marriage. I think this is the most important question and based on the answer, all the other questions will answer themselves. Her reasons may well be what she said a desire to control the situation. She may have wanted to change the rules, but didn't know how to ask or was afraid of the answer you might give. The important thing is she says it is over. If you want the marriage to continue then you will have to have faith in her and perhaps give up some of your control. As for the others who know, you have to forget about any judgments they may make. Tell all of them you love her and forgive her. If they love her they will also. If they don't they will continue to judge her. A lifestyle friendly marriage counselor could help you two sort this out. Good luck and welcome to the board.

So sorry for what happened.

It is going to take time to rebuild the trust. You should probably see a counselor as well as see a marriage counselor.

I suggest a personal counselor as any risk of ending a 25year marriage is realistically going to be a very traumatic experience for you.

I wish you the best.

Tough time for you.

She could be avoiding the subject because she is ashamed and embarrased by it also. If you keep raising it, it may be a little unfair to her if she perceives it as you not letting it go and continuing to remind her of what she did wrong. A bit tricky as you raise similar scenarios when you're having sex - it may turn her on but it may also make her feel bad at the same time?

You probably need to sit down again and talk about how it has made you feel and what you can both do to address the issue so it doesn't happen again. At least it was 3 years prior and she wasn't continuing in it. The services of a professional marriage counsellor would be of great benefit if you're not able to sit and talk about it without either of you over reacting.

Swinging is a team activity, cheating is not. That you were swinging at the same time makes no difference. More important is that she didn't come to you and ask if she could try something different. It sounds like you might even have been receptive to the idea...her bad. Still, she cheated and that needs to be addressed and fixed. Do not confuse this with swinging, not the same thing and she didn't have 'permission' (unless you had discussed this and agreed upon it BEFORE it happened) just because you were swinging around the same time. Totally separate issues here.

Step one: STOP swinging. Put it on indefinite hold until you can repair the relationship. It will take awhile (time) to repair the trust, respect and commitment, but until that happens, you both need to talk, communicate, and work together to figure this out. It might be helpful to get a professional to help facilitate. Repair the relationship and then see if swinging will still fit into what you have. So sorry to hear about this and we wish you the best of luck moving forward.

...careful what you ask for.

I'm a little perplexed at what would motivate someone to drop that bomb three years later.

I would have gotten a divorce, "but" you confessed you became turned on by her affair.

808calm

Until you have trust back this will eat at you and your marriage - sorry but it true.

But you are not helping any one when you talk about it while having sex - i mean really - if your tiring to over come all that comes with the betrayal ( and that's what it is - i call it cheating )

Then why the hell bring it up, stop it.

Next you need to work out if she does want to stay with you or not - if she does then go to a marriage Councillor and get some real help.

You were screwed over and now your feeding the hurt by bring it up/fantasizing so that just feeds the hurt. This will never stop unless you get a hold of your self and work it out.

Whats more if you don't then it will get worse until the day comes when you go of your tree and do or say something that can never be taken back.

I do hope for the marriage sake that you two can work it out.

alexandsandra

I'm sorry man but that is one of the sadist story's i herd for a while, why people do shit like this to each other just blows my mind - really.

If my wife had of said that to me i would not go out and fuck some/s one - it just show how hurt full humans can be even to our loved ones. and that is said to both of you.

So she have a man cum inside her simply on a rude comment you gave her and you have sex with her and she tell you it's another man's cum you're feeling with your penis?? "WHAT IF" hiv was in the cum???? Where was your dignity and self respect at that moment she told you that it was another man's cum(STD's)??

A single moment in time defines no one

You are right and i do believe in forgive and forget, and i did think that you both got over it all, my point is that in these moments that people can hurt others as far as i am concern neither of you should of said or done it -

and if you keep it as a reminder of how not to treat each other then good it will server you well.

BUT that's not how you posted it and then others liked it which only shows that some here think it was funny/good or what ever. All i see is hurt.

I do not doubt for one minute that you two love each other and treat each over with respect now at lest.

lastly i was not nor ever will define any one for one point in time except if they keep doing the same thing in many points of time.

Hi

Firstly really sorry to read your story, swinging is only ever going to work in the strongest of relationships. Many people swing as an excuse to have sex with other people but thats not the right way to look at it.

Swinging is an extension of your relationship with your partner, its built on sharing everything with each other, emotions, fantasies and ultimately sharing each other by playing with others.

To do that you need trust, without the trust it just won't work. I think you should knock swinging on the head for the moment and cincentrate on getting back the trust. Do a few date nights, go out on vanilla nights with each other and have fun.

After a few months have a chat about swinging and see how you both feel. If one doesn't want to do it anymore then it should end there, but if you both agree to do it dip your toes in again with socials and soft swings. Chat about it all, have fun in bed chatting about what you've done and make it fun again.

If you have forgiven the cheating stop bringing it up, you have to now let it lay.

Goodluck