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mcluvin73

Reality not living up to fantasy

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First of all, much thanks to all who post and respond here. We have learned a lot from reading the forums. Our problem involves me, the male, not being able to get in the moment when we're in play situations.

 

Both of us are really turned on by when we discuss and work various swinging fantasies into our own sex life. We've been around the lifestyle for several years and have attended events/parties. Love interacting and chatting with lifestylers. But when things progress with a couple, wife is all in but I have a difficult time getting my mojo on. There we are, with an attractive couple and the chance to live out our perviest fantasies, but I'm just not in that sexy place. I try to just relax and let it happen, but seems like the more I try the less sexual the situation becomes. Also, just to clarify, this is not necessarily an erection issue. It's not like I'm burning with desire but my dick doesn't cooperate (I'd probably be ok with that - at least at first). It just seems like my decorum/manners will not let me let loose and get freaky with someone other than my wife.

 

The result is me feeling as if I'm letting down both my wife and the other couple. Shitty feeling. I'm close to just giving up on the whole thing, but I really do want to make this happen.

 

I think my attempts at rationalizing all of this have been thwarted by my Y chromosome (I'm an emotional retard). There may be things going on deep in my psyche that I'm just not seeing. Hopefully, someone here can shed some light.

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Swinging is not for everyone, even people who have fantasies about it. The best thing you can do is talk about it with your signifigant other and potential playmates ahead of time. People here can give you support and advice, but it is something you need to work out with yourself and your spouse I think.

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Hi mcluvin73

 

1st off you're not the 1st nor will you be the last to feel this way, so be at peace with yourself.

It really is the mind doing it - some folks need to know people for a while before they can connect in a sexual way, others just jump right in lol.

 

So I think you will need to pin down what triggers the mood change or lack off, do you feel you're some how being unfaithful to your wife? Or she with you? I'm not saying that's the case but feelings that block desire often have a base in security feelings.

 

It could be anything, the above was just somewhere to start looking.

 

When you have this (numbness?) to the other wife/SO a good trick (though it takes time) is to thank your mind for bring it up and then continue you on.

You accepting the thought / feeling but not letting it control you is the 1st step to easing the tension/feeling or lack off. (because you can not undo it - so do not try and just accept that while you have these thoughts / feelings they only used to inform you not control you).

 

But you may find that you are better at fantastic role playing then real life swapping and that's ok.

 

Best of luck.

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some folks need to know people for a while before they can connect in a sexual way, others just jump right in lol.

 

This is a good point. Where have your experiences been on this scale? Maybe if they have all been one way and that's not really working for you, then try changing it up.

 

From the way it sounds, most if not all of your swinging has been of the events/parties type variety, and that's usually better for the jump right in style. Maybe focus more on finding couples online to meet two on two for dinner and drinks, and take a couple of dates to let things develop. Or, still use the parties to make that initial first contact with people you think you like, but instead of heading immediately to the club playroom, use that initial connection to try to schedule a followup meet with them when it's just the four of you.

 

I think that may work out a lot better for you. I know that the more comfortable I feel with a playmate, and that is strongly tied to having spent at least some time together with the clothes on, then the smoother things usually go.

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I agree with luvin eye full that it might be a thing where you really need to get to know the woman first. How has this been in regular dating? Did you feel more into it as you got to know her, or was it lust at first chance or...?

 

Another thing too; it might be that you just enjoy watching your wife have sex with others, and not yourself doing that. Nothing wrong with that. If that's the case, lots of MFMs in your future :)

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There are a lot of different ways of approaching things. Some folks are comfortable with strangers, others need to get some kind of connection, all the way up the scale to poly and everything else. There can be a lot of societal conditioning going on in our heads as to "should I really be doing this" and all other kinds of stuff floating around in your noggin that might kill the buzz.

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I've come to he right place for advice. Very encouraging replies so far. Thanks.

 

I have considered the fact that I'm just not the swinger type. Don't buy it. From what I've seen, there is no "type". I also agree that I'm suffering from obsolete programming. Most of us are not brought up to pull our penises out in front of people we just met. In most circles that would be a bit rude. Conversely, in the right swinging situation it would be polite. Go figure. But, yes, I do believe that I need to reprogram myself a bit. That's what I need a little help with.

 

Good points about degree of familiarity/comfort with partners. Normally, we meet people online (SLS/Fab). Exchange emails to eatablish attraction and compatibility, meet for drink a time or two, then set up play situation. It has at times seemed a little rushed. And, even though playmates have always been courteous, I have felt pressured on a few occasions, like play is just expected. Hard to have an organic and fluid experience when those types of expectations are there.

 

I guess another clue to all this may be our most successful experience to date. We were naked in a hot tub full of swingers but really didn't get in there to play, just people watch and talk. There were various sexual acts happening but I really wasn't that turned on watching. Amused but not turned on. We ended up in conversation with a much younger Barbie/Ken couple- not really our type (never met or seen them before this). Surprisingly, we had a ton in common and had a great time just talking in a purely platonic way. Out of the blue, the other wife asked if she could play with my wife's tits (they are spectacular by the way). Why not. So here is this beautiful show going on inches in front of me. 10 minutes later we're in a cabana in a oral swap and finished with our own partners. Now, I was never really all in like I am when wife and I have sex but it was pretty good.

 

The point of the story is that it was an organic experience. Just happened naturally without expectations. Maybe a few more of those experiences would help in my reprogramming. The problem is that we would have preferred to know a little more about the couple before that happened. So, how could I keep things organic and spontaneous without fucking strangers?

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Hmm, that is a good point. I guess what I meant is that I want to bring my A game to the situation. Primarily for my wife, but also for myself and other participants. But maybe your right. Maybe my expectations are the problem here. Very profound and thank you.

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Maybe scrutinise you fantasies a little to find out how they differ, we had a recent experience where my wife went down on a girl for the first time, I have fantasised about this moment since the day we met , give or take a few days lol. The reality was different , still mind blowingly awesome, though not the life changing experience I had expected.

 

First off I couldn't see "everything".

The girls hair was getting in the way and it kinda left too much to my imagination, it was her first time and I didn't want to ruin it so I resisted the urge to pull out a couple of bands and tie their hair back lol. It's a small thing I know, but more than once I thought " damn their hair and this low level lighting".

 

The other thing is , well, maybe it was never going to be life changing? Maybe I'd built this moment up in my mind so big that the reality was never going to compete? We're new to this so I'm just drawing from my own limited experience.

 

We haven't full swapped as yet but I'm curbing my expectations for if it does happen, thinking logically about it for a minute, my wife knows all my buttons and every combination of which buttons to press when in order to get me to where I want to go, we've been together 20 years and she's still learning , so what chance would a stranger have?

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I totally understand what you are saying...been here, done this. There have been more than a few times where my eyes are seeing the most amazing porn happening live in front of me and tell my brain and my brain says "nope, can't be happening...you're lying eyes". Also, I KNOW what my SO likes and wants, but I'm not sure when it comes to someone new (and I don't like KNOWING, not just guessing). All I can suggest is to try and find another couple that you click with and take the time to learn what she/they like. Start slow...same room only or only some cross touching, and progress as you learn. Example: SO loves having her breasts squeezed but her nipples quickly become too sensitive. SO's girlfriend does NOT like her breasts squeezed but LOVES her nipples touched, squeezed, pinched, punished...nothing is too much for her. It took time to learn this and become more comfortable (more comfortable, not totally comfortable), but we're not in a huge rush and almost always have a great time when we get together. Talking and learning her likes and dislikes have made things much easier and more enjoyable. Unfortunately, it takes time to get there...and it sure can be fun learning if you just let it happen (I KNOW, letting it happen is the problem). Take it slow, communicate, and try to occasionally get out of your own head and it will be okay. Hopefully this makes some sense to you...(if not, just don't say anything :) ). Good luck.

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So, again thanks to all who have responded. Your wisdom and thoughts are very much appreciated. After reading through all of this, I can definitely verify that I suck at identifying and dealing with emotions, especially the back-of-mind variety. Several comments have hit home and illuminated the need for me to deal with stuff through both self reflection and communication with my wife and potential partners. I think the following thoughts really apply to me:

 

1. Luvin eye full said that desire is blocked by feelings of insecurity. It's hard for a guy like me to admit insecurity. Just doesn't sound very cool. But look past it the beard and brawn exterior, I may be a little insecure about a few things in relation to swinging. Losing something in my relationship, inadequacy, infidelity. None of which are at all logical when I consider the facts.

 

2. Luvin also said feelings should inform, not control you. Right on. This is something I'm super good at in vanilla life but not so much in the LS. So, I've got the skills, just need to learn to apply that to play.

 

3. BobGann talks a little about the conflicts between societal conditioning and non-monogamy. I think I'm fine with the wife being with other people, but I feel that I subconsciously hold myself to the more traditional standard. I hate being rude to people (unless they earn it). It's one of my most valued codes of conduct. Societal norms frown on adultery. Even if a husband begs for me to fuck his wife, is feel a bit conflicted. Gotta get past that.

 

4. And finally Alexandsandra- it's a thrill to just get laid. Truer words have never been spoken my friend.

 

So, I'll go to work to resolve the above issues and hopefully become the swinger I so aspire to be. Should be a fun journey. Still open to any other ideas folks have as I believe in constant improvement. Thanks everyone and take care.

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I don't know if any of this will help but I thought I would post anyway. My hubby has had very little trouble getting his mojo on. If the girl is attractive, in good shape, and has a good personality, he is pretty much good to go. More than once. :) But my favorite play partner is VERY picky about who he plays with. For him, it has to be a very deep mental as well as physical attraction. While hubby is over there ripping off clothes, my partner is doing this sensual "dance" of sorts with me, warming things up. Everyone figures out what works for them...in time. You just need to find what works for you.

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