Husband is too attached

Looking for advice. We swing with one other couple exclusively which we have become very close friends with. My husband is too attached to the wife. I have asked him repeatedly to tone it down and to keep his feelings in check, and this is not the relationship I want and not what I signed up for when we started swinging.. but nothing has changed. He seems think there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. This is about to destroy me and my feelings for him and my marriage. I love the other couple dearly and they feel the same for us. I dont want to lose their friendship or my husband. I would greatly appreciate advice/input.

Stop swinging, do it now. If he isn't willing to listen to you, then there is a big problem happening (and not just the other wife). You need to take a break at the least until you both get back on the same page. If my S/O asked me to tone it down, then I most definitely would. This is a team sport that I am grateful that she allows us both to participate in. If she were to say that she wanted to stop, then we would stop. One golden rule we have is that if one person says no to anything, then no is the answer...no questions, no repercussions, no explanations necessary. It already sounds like your choices (as chosen by your husband) are either your husband or the other couple. Take a break and work on improving your relationship before you continue swinging (if you do continue). Either way, you probably need to find another couple to play with. Good luck and let us know how things go...

I wanted to make the question as short as possible so you wouldn't become bored by the first few sentences. There are so many details I could add. I want to give him credit where credit is due. He has respected some of my concerns. And I'm thankful for what he has done. But like calling her on the phone and decresing his level of "attachment " has not inproved. Its only gotten more. In the past, I agreed sometime ago, that it was ok for them to talk on the phone if it was not safe to drive while texting or if its something like with plans that are too long to text. But I never agreed for them to talk on a regular basis on the phone. ( He deletes his call history). I know her very well and she would never do anything to disrespect me. I'm certain she has no idea that I do not approve of the phone calls.

There is no such thing as too much information. Don't worry about saying too much.

If my S/O asked us to walk away, I would in a second. She is the most important thing in my life and I would never want her to do anything she isn't 100% on board and comfortable with. We have a couple that we have been seeing for over 3 years now, and while we both care greatly for both of them, she is my #1 and vice-versa. If he is hiding things (like deleting his call history) then this is a HUGE

Love/trust/communication is the bedrock of a great relationship and a requirement to be a successful swinger. If all three things are not rock solid (and it doesn't sound like the trust is very high), then they need to be repaired first before continuing.

She may not do anything to disrespect you, but (IMHO) HE is disrespecting you. Stop swinging and work on repairing your relationship before you no longer have a relationship to repair. It already sounds like he is WAY too emotionally attached to the other wife. Maybe I'm wrong (I'm sure that others will chime in soon) and if I am, then I'm sorry...but from what you have said, I really don't think this will be the case.

Take a break and work on you both getting back on the same page, but he needs to be open and honest and step back from the other wife.

Very good advice . Thank you so much for the input and taking time out of your day to respond. ???

from Oklahoma, Susieq2! Thanks for posing a very important question.

I think it is time for y'all to sit down as a clothed foursome and talk about this situation. Swinging is pretty personal; it deserves open communication.

I suggest a change of attitude whether you play again with this couple or move on to another. Never try to have an emotional "love making" session with a playmate. I think we make that mistake because we're used to lovemaking and haven't experimented otherwise. Instead, make your intra-couple encounter one of laughter and fun. Joke and do outrageous things. When you and your husband get home, there will be plenty of time for expressing your love.

It's hard to fall in love when you're laughing your ass off while climaxing.

Swinging is supposed to fun and recreation for you as a couple. When it begins to threaten the primary relationship (your marriage) it's time to step back a bit. The suggestion that you discuss this issue clothed with the other couple may be a good idea but you run the risk of embarrassing your husband and both parties in the other couple in the process AND you will likely lose them as playmates and friends. Still, it appears that your husband has crossed a line and what's worse, he is not protecting YOUR feelings which should be an absolute priority.

Thats so true. I would never want to embarrass any one.... as all of us are very respectful of each other.

It makes it really hard because I'm certain that she doesn't realize that there is anything wrong.He has assured me that he is not in love with her but he must have a connection with a person to swing, which I totally understand...knowing him. But this has been brought up numerous times and I still find that he texts her all thru out the day, and talks to her on the phone most every day ( of course when he's not w/me).

Do you know how the other husband feels about all these texts and phonecalls?

Or do you at least know that he is aware of it?

Do you think there's a chance he could be feeling just like you?

I sympathise with your position greatly, it must be so hard for you right now

One of my favourite things to remember is that if something feels hard to say, then it's probably something that needs to be said. In this case, I think you need to be very clear with your husband. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he has crossed a line and is hurting your relationship. Tell him you need to heal your relationship before continuing, if that's what you need. Lay it out, clearly, with no room for mis-communication. And then, if he still doesn't get it, you know your relationship is in big trouble. You need to start with your husband, and then you can communicate with the other couple - but yes, start between the two of you.

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find a way to make it work or move on. Good luck.

Mrs.

I agree that an open, honest conversation is needed between you and your husband. It's possible that a conversation including the other couple should happen, too- AFTER you and your husband talk this out, and agree on what to do.

Now, to your issue. I will say that we have played with many couples. With some, we keep things very light, and there is plenty of banter and joking during our play. With others we have a more intense, passionate kind of play, and a closer friendship generally. And with the people we are closer friends with, we do sometimes communicate more- more frequent chats and texts. But we keep everything on the friend side of the friend/lover line! And in our case, we are both comfortable with that, and trust each other to stay on the right side of the line.

As a part of creating and nurturing that level of comfort and trust, we do certain things to establish and maintain the basis for the trust. For example, we make our chat or text history available to each other- no deletions! We also sometimes conduct our chats and texts with another couple in a group that includes all four of us. Furthermore, we always give each other a "full report" of our playtime after an evening with another couple. We do this largely to reiterate to each other that we have nothing to hide from each other.

Your husband should definitely not have deleted the call history from his phone! It makes it look like he thought his behavior was wrong, and something to be hidden from you. Whether his feelings were actually crossing the line or not, he seems to have acted at least like he thought you would consider it to be crossing the line. And that alone is enough to warrant toning things down.

We have it to where either the men text the men or the women text the women or all four are included in the text. Men texting women usually has a long term positive outcome.

We have it to where either the men text the men or the women text the women or all four are included in the text.

Can say this was by far the best tip I ever picked up from this forum, and it probably would not have occurred to me on my own.

Looking for advice. We swing with one other couple exclusively which we have become very close friends with. My husband is too attached to the wife. I have asked him repeatedly to tone it down and to keep his feelings in check, and this is not the relationship I want and not what I signed up for when we started swinging.. but nothing has changed. He seems think there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. This is about to destroy me and my feelings for him and my marriage. I love the other couple dearly and they feel the same for us. I dont want to lose their friendship or my husband. I would greatly appreciate advice/input.

As I read SusieQ's original post, there has already been a considerable amount of talk with her husband. In my opinion, it's time to offer the same consideration to their friends. Embarrassment might happen, but is far less consequential than a continuing lack of understanding which might well lead to divorce.

Thanks for that advice. I have always kept my feelings in check with everyone that we've played with. I think too much for my husband's liking. He wants me to be more connected. I want it to be sex and fun only but he has to have a more emotional connection to play. I've told him I get where he's coming from but that's not what I want out of swinging.

We are relatively new to the LS and really have just kind of established rules as we go. But there are certain things/boundaries we have discussed like I have no desire to have daily conversations on the phone, that has been perfectly made clear, and how I don't want an intimate relationship, I just want it to be fun. I have been on the jealous side about some things but they, to me, have been legitimate. For example: I don't like when he calls her pet name's he calls me. Those are names for me. I have asked him not to do so...but he continues thru text. I have openly told him I see no reason that they should talk on the phone... what I'm seeing is at least he's talking to her every other day and when I can catch the history undeleted sometimes every day. Granted its only about 8-10 min at a time.

What you are describing is where the line is- for you. That line is different for everybody. I want you to know that where you have drawn it is not at all unusual. As with all other rules and limits, a couple should go no further than what is comfortable for both of you.

What's most important about what you're saying is that your husband's behavior is not only not your preference, but also that it's making you uncomfortable. For example, you say that you have no desire to have daily conversations with a lifestyle friend. More to the point, though, is the fact that you do not feel comfortable with him having those daily conversations.

Perhaps your husband could stop over here on the forum, and read the conversation?

Susie: He needs to stop. If telling the other couple is what is needed to have him stop, then that is what you need to do. He is not taking into consideration what you are saying so its time to move to the next level. Just tell them that you think your husband and his wife are getting too close and it is negatively effecting your relationship with him. The four of you need to take a break until things get back on track and then you can all see about picking things back up. I'm sure that they should understand (although your husband may not...but that speaks of the actual problem). You should always come first in this (and all) relationships. Let us know how things progress.

Ok he needs to stop, we kinda got that. Susie you have asked him to stop and he hasn't and now he's hiding it from you. Furthermore the other woman is still participating, right? What's the situation there? Why is she participating?

They are obviously and unfortunately fulfilling some need that they are not getting in their marriage. Any idea's what that can be? Texts, phone calls, skulduggery, all take a lot of time and effort to fulfill some need that they are not getting at home.

Next time you sit down to talk with him keep this in mind. Or maybe spend some time thinking about it and then talk to him. If you come from a place of absolutes, my guess is you are not going to have any success, only going to make them hide it better.

Difficult problem that you have best wishes and best of luck

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Its great to know that there is such caring and supportive folks out there!!!

So I am so very nervous about addressing this. I've tried to come up with the most constructive mature way to handle this, that might keep all of our relationships intact. I am over 40 and totally not into drama, so I have to chose my attack... lol... carefully.

We all connect so very well. We all are professionals and all deal with people and situations every day. So I'm so unsure why this is so hard for me to deal with. When addressing issues with my husband in the past about my insecurities, jealousy, or concerns he is seems to think that he is always "getting in trouble ". He says its the way I present it. I have tried different ways but he always says the same. The last time I ask him to cut down on the texting he got very defensive and said that he had ( which I've looked on his phone and its only decreased a tiny bit) and that that he and her are very communicative and that they are not like me and the husband and he feels like he should be allowed to have fun without feeling like he is always doing something wrong. And he said that he is not gonna stop texting her that that is just the way he is. I also ask him why did he feel the need to call her all the time and he got defensive and said he doesn't...only when he is driving or is too busy to text. I get that... but what i have seen... that hasn't been deleted has been at least 3-4 x week. I'm planning a lunch date with her tomorrow. I don't want to accuse her because I am certain that she does not know whats going on and she probably thinks I know. How do I bring this up???

There is no easy way, it's going to be awkward, but expect it to be awkward and prepare yourself for it and it probably won't be half as bad once you bring up the subject.

Just going to have to bite the bullet and get it done.

But what might make it easier for you is this...

Imagine the roles are reversed and it is her feeling bad because her husband texts you all the time. Would you want her to bottle that up? Or would you want her to feel that she could talk to you about it?

You say they are good friends, more than likely they will be understanding.

Good luck and let us know how you get on or if you need any help.

There IS an easy way: just tell her that you and your husband are having some problems and you would appreciate it if she put communication with her husband on hold until you and your husband can strengthen the relationship. You're not saying not to ever do it again, just temporarily stop while you work on some issues. I don't see how that can be taken as anything but asking her to help you out. More than likely, she won't have any problem with that (unless there is more to this coming from BOTH sides). If she wants to talk about it more, just tell her the truth; that the two of you are having problems communication and he isn't hearing what you are saying. Good luck tomorrow and please let us know how it goes.