Lies, redemption

I met a guy in the LS 13 months ago. Background: I have been in the LS for 6 yrs and he a couple of years. We can talk about almost anything but when it comes to setting rules, we suck. He told me I can see anyone I want, I told him I was working on the mixed messages I seem to put out and as we were getting more solid as a couple in the LS I was feeling more at ease. He knows I have play partners that I see outside of the two if us. I have been honest about everything and every one in my life since the beginning.

When we first met we immediately clicked. We even told each other everyone we were seeing at that time. We had some up and downs the first four months. We started getting serious in September and spending a lot of time together. We started going to swinging events, clubs, hotel takeovers, houseparties and making many friends in the LS. We get along really well. Our friends and family think we are good for each other. He asked me to think about moving in with him. Last week he told me he needed to go see his dad about buying a car. He was acting strange and my gut told me something was up. The next day he asked me to go to Hawaii with him in February and we planned the trip. We went through the holidays with my gut screaming. The day after x-mas, I asked him, you didn't go to your dads, did you? He said no, he went to an exgirlfriends to drop off something, then shopping, then out for thai food with someone. Who? Someone he needed to break up with because he wants to be with just me. How long had this been going on? 10 months, started back during our ups and downs. I freaked, told him I couldn't do this, he lied to me, hurt me and I could never trust him again. I asked him to leave his house while i packed my stuff. He begged me not to do this. He wants only me in his life. I told him that every time he turned away from me with his phone or said he was going somewhere I wouldn't believe him. That I couldn't do this. I told him to leave his house, called my best friend and daughter to pack me up while I got sick and cried uncontrollably. He has since texted me asking me to reconsider about not going on the Hawaii trip. He told me he was with the other women about ten times and he knew she wanted more but he wanted what we had.

I have since talked with a good friend of mine, she runs a swingers club that we both volunteer for. She told me that we were good for each other, she asked me if I love him, told me she knows he cares for me and she feels he didn't think he deserved me. That he doesn't think he deserves to have a healthily relationship. Some men self sabotage things when things are too good. She told me that she thinks we should go to counseling to work on issues or atleast have closure. That it would be good for me too because if I love him, it might be worth a try or maybe I would learn something about myself. I wrote to him and he said he wanted to suggest that but he figured I was done with him. Yes, he would go. I told him, "I do not know what will come from it. I do know I love you. Don't know if that is even enough. I do know If you are ever going to be completely honest with yourself and me, now is the time." He agreed.

I told my daughter and she is furious and I don't even want to know what my best friend is going to say. I might be wrote off from her. She was really angry. She feels that I tip toe around him. She says he is a lier and a cheater. I am so confused now. Can therapy make a difference? I know I can't change him. He wasn't going to tell me about her. He IS a lier and a cheater. Do couples come back from this? What about if he was completely transparent? What if the rules were clear?

Thank you, signed hopeful in Seattle

Well this is a right mess hey,

Really when i have to make my mind up about people i love and how they have walked over me i just have one thing i go by,

will i be sorry on my death bed that i did not give them a second chance?

That's it in a nut shell - i have forgiven some crappy stuff because of it - sometimes it was worth the effort other times a waste of time but i know when every thing is at it's end for me that my regrets will be few because of how i think things through now.

So this probably does not help but it's the way i live life.

Also i have to say cheating is one of my number one pet hates - and yet if i were you i think i would have to least try once more. Going by the way i think.

Regards

Thank you for your post. I like the way you think.

I would say the person self sabotaging this relationship is you.

Just because you 'move in with him' doesn't mean he would trust you fully. I didn't with my now wife. I had a much longer history with other partners that I gave up. In no uncertain terms that was difficult to do. I had been friends with these ladies for years. She was aware I had other partners and that it was going to take time to let them go. It seems like you have been with him for less than a year. That's not a lot of time to trust someone fully.

So why didn't her tell you? Because of the reaction you are currently having, that's why. Who wants that? Obviously he cares enough for you now to let the 'others' go, and to be more frank with you.

If this guy is a great guy, do you think you're the only lady that wants him?

Sorry to sound so rough. If you think he's a cheater and can't trust him, I would say move on. If you think he's human and a great guy, stay with him.

Good Luck and I wish you the best.

I think that your daughter and your best friend are envious of whatever successes you have had in the dating world. Counceling seems the best path. You might have to give a deaf ear to criticism for at least a while.

 

So why didn't [he] tell you? Because of the reaction you are currently having, that's why. Who wants that? Obviously he cares enough for you now to let the 'others' go, and to be more frank with you.

 

This is my guess, too. Your boyfriend was afraid to tell you the truth, so he sought a way that would keep you from knowing. This is the crux of your problem, in my opinion.

Thank you all for your replies! I would like to ask a follow up question, I thought swinging was about communication and honesty, not cheating and lies? If your partner didn't tell you about a relationship he was having for months because of how you would take it, would that be okay with you?

Uodate: he set up a counseling appointment. He wants me to go to the NYE swinging parry tonight at a hotel. He wants me to act like nothing happen until we see a counselor.

I think you are in a six month relationship (sorry if I am wrong on this one). It takes a lot of time to really reach the straight up honesty you desire. Part of the honesty is telling your partner what they do not want to hear. IMHO that's next to impossible after only six months.

He was honest with you, he told you about the relationship and he has ended it. That's being human and being pretty honest.

It really easy to see the faults in others and react to them. It's really hard to see the faults in yourself (and I certainly include myself here) and seriously do something about it.

Look I am not saying what he did was great, but I am not entirely sure what he did was that wrong? More than likely things with you spun a little out of control before he really had time to react. At least he is doing his best to rectify, and set the record straight. I mean how often could he actually being seeing the other woman? Were they just touching base every other month or so? Were you Miss Thursday and she was Miss Friday? Obviously you guys were pretty closely in touch for you to think something was odd when he went to see her, so it really couldn't have been that frequent?

Yes swinging is about openness and honesty, but that is typically built over time. Can you accept his full honesty, even when he is doing the right thing?

I would also re-iterate not discussing this with your BFF and daughter or at least limiting it. Looking back I never really understood the antagonism I received from the BFF of the women I had relationships with. A number of my wife's friends 'disappeared' over the years as her and I have been together. I think there is a certain amount of loss to them that comes with you being in a positive relationship.

I can't really comment on going to the party with him tonight. Can you go and have drama free fun? Not discuss the issues you are having? If yes then go, if not beg off, you are not ready.

Really this is about you, and deciding what you want and can do. Maybe that is the easiest way to look at it.

Thank you all for your replies! I would like to ask a follow up question, I thought swinging was about communication and honesty, not cheating and lies? If your partner didn't tell you about a relationship he was having for months because of how you would take it, would that be okay with you?

Uodate: he set up a counseling appointment. He wants me to go to the NYE swinging parry tonight at a hotel. He wants me to act like nothing happen until we see a counselor.

Lol Yes well that a hard question because there are different views on what is dating what is cheating and so on,

From your 1st post if all is even then he was cheating in my mind the other girl/s should of been disclosed, but others say no he needs time to wind down the others - so the only thing that matters is how you see it and if you can work it out with him.

Having said that if he sees it differently to you ( as others here will see it different to my view ) then for the sake of getting back on track except his point of view but also let him know that it's not how you see it. then let it go.

He now knows you two don't see dating the same way and is willing to do it your way - for what its worth that is a big deal.

If your not happy about going to the clubs or swing until you have work this out though counseling then tell him so - men are not mind readers,

Above all try not to go off at him for beaning a dick lol, but make your view know to him in a no-aggressive way if you can, because in the long run you two will need great communication and it may as well start now.

Regards and best wishes to the both of you.

Thank you! This thread has been great. I was reluctant to post anything and I am glad I did. All of you have been so helpful and kind. He is a great guy. I didnt go to the NYE party because I was still upset and I didn't want to bring it others at the party. However, we are talking and starting over, with hopefully, clear communication.

Trying to take a look from his side:

You both met while swinging. He was seeing other people as well as seeing you (or were you just fuck buddies to start with?). After awhile, he decided that he only wanted to be seeing you in a relationship instead of just as a swinging partner, so he ended all other relationships. You found out that he wanted to only see you and went off the rails...

Swinging IS about love, trust and communication, but you two started swinging before any of that could be developed (this is why some swingers stay away from new couples). You two went about your relationship completely backwards. It sounds like he was trying to fix where he was by ending his other relationships so he could be only with you. Not that what he did was right and I'm not on 'his side'...just trying to show some perspective. What I would suggest is for you to ask yourself: do you want a relationship with him? If yes, then stop swinging and BUILD a relationship first. Build the love, trust and communication. Work on developing a solid relationship and then a year or two down the road, maybe think about swinging together again. You both have a ways to go before you are ready to start again. If no, then you are done...move on (I know, always easier said than done).

It's going to take time to try and fix things (even if you both want to try and fix them). Swinging is the last thing you both need right now. We wish you luck and let us know which direction you choose and if there is anything else we can do to help.