Feelings on single men

Hi All,

 

My wife and I have been swinging for 2 years now and have had great experiences so far. One hurdle we have, which many people do, is mutual attraction to other couples as a unit. We have played as a couple many times and separately with other couples. No issues there. What I am having trouble with though is some single people in the LS. I have played once with a single girl (she was in the LS with a previous partner) as she was well known to us and trusted.

 

My wife has recently been chatting with a guy she is quite smitten with but he is a single guy. We do not know him all that well and he is also new to the LS. We are going to a large NYE party where he will be in attendance and I know that based on the guest list, he is one of the few my wife is attracted to. She would love to play with him but also knows how I feel so will not let it get that far. I actually struggle a bit with her even talking to him. I must say, he has been respectful of her and me. I have no personal issue with him at all.

 

I've looked within myself to see where the jealousy is coming from but I am not sure it is jealousy. She can talk to men from other couples and I get excited about it, even if I have no interest in their partner. She can and has gone off with attached men where I have not played with their partners and I am happy for her. Why is it that single men irk me so much?

 

I feel it has something to do with the fact a single (male or female) who has no experience in the LS with a partner lacks the knowledge of the dynamic. I also fear they have "nothing to lose" and could get wrapped up in emotion. Frankly, the conversations they have can get deep sometimes (on his part) as he is looking for a sympathetic ear. If you know my wife, she is the most compassionate and amazing person, she cant not listen and help. That sometimes scares me as I can see a single falling for her.

 

Does anyone have any insight? similar experiences? Advice?

 

Thanks

If you're not happy about it then trust your feelings - Tell her to stop with the single males, this is a team effort and if it were her posting about you and single females I would tell her the same thing.

 

It's yours and hers sex life and it seems you and her have worked out what is ok - Just tell her honestly that whatever the reason you are not comfortable about the single male and that should be that.

 

If she was not ok with something you were doing would you not stop until it could be worked out? This may never be worked out or it may in time.

 

Talk to her. I bet if she knows how you really feel she'll drop him like a hot potato.

 

Regards

I can understand the single male bias. Frankly I worry about how my wife is treated with single or 'coupled' men. Not really sure, but if I feel they are not being respectful or just get a feeling that they are not, we drop out. I mean I get it, my wife gets a lot of male attention, but sometimes I am just like give it a rest.

 

I do not have a really good solution for you, just thought I would share that you are not alone with your feelings.

Your uncertainty about this fellow's inexperience is understandable. As a general rule, we don't bother with lifestyle newbies at all.

 

It sounds as if you sincerely want your wife to enjoy the experience of being with this guy, but you want some reassurance that the situation won't blow up in your faces. The first thing to do is discuss your misgivings with your wife. She may, as luvin eye full suggested, decide to dump the guy, but if she would still like to go forward, the next step would be for all three of you to have a chat so that the guy knows what your boundaries are. Then when you wife goes off to play with him, trust her to enforce those boundaries.

Is there any chance the 3 of you could all play together? Maybe that would make it worse but wanted to ask your opinion.

I think your fears are very realistic and shouldn't be ignored.

Other than a "no-zip" fuck, what can a single person hope to gain from the swinging lifestyle? What can he/she hope to give their swing partners in the process?

 

Laura and I restricted our play partners to married couples. They risked the same as we.

 

We likened a single swinger to a person who took a bus to a Porsche club meeting. "I don't have a Porsche, but I can drive your car better than you can!"

Single guys are a dime a dozen. If you are interested in including an extra penis in your play time, it should be one upon whom you both agree. You can always find another one. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't your wife have the right of refusal to a woman with whom you want to play? The words that concern me about the OP are "she is quite smitten"! That sounds less like a woman interested in sharing a recreational sexual experience with her partner and more like a wife looking for a tryst on the side. "Smitten sounds like emotional involvement and THAT could spell trouble for the primary relationship, your marriage. I'd say "NO" unless and only if you were in the room under agreement that you and the guy would be sharing your wife and with the understanding that you are basically the alpha in the room.

I have had the same feelings about the Misses with certain single men. We will have a MFM with the single guy first. If that goes well then my fears/jealousy goes away and Im excited for her to play solo with him. If the single guy isnt interested in MFM with us then thatsa red flag! Automatic ejection from the game! LoL

Have fun if its causing stress then don't do it.

As a single male in this lifestyle I get your situation.As another poster has said it should be a team effort.Couples only.I happened to be in the lifestyle because the couple I started with enjoyed my company and the girlfriend was smitten with me.But we were friends first.This is different in that you don't know him.So draw the line and tell your wife how you feel about it.If one of you isn't enjoying the situation then what's the point in being in the lifestyle?Good luck and I hope you find an answer you're looking for.

Hi All,

 

My wife and I have been swinging for 2 years now and have had great experiences so far. One hurdle we have, which many people do, is mutual attraction to other couples as a unit. We have played as a couple many times and separately with other couples. No issues there. What I am having trouble with though is some single people in the LS. I have played once with a single girl (she was in the LS with a previous partner) as she was well known to us and trusted.

 

My wife has recently been chatting with a guy she is quite smitten with but he is a single guy. We do not know him all that well and he is also new to the LS. We are going to a large NYE party where he will be in attendance and I know that based on the guest list, he is one of the few my wife is attracted to. She would love to play with him but also knows how I feel so will not let it get that far. I actually struggle a bit with her even talking to him. I must say, he has been respectful of her and me. I have no personal issue with him at all.

 

I've looked within myself to see where the jealousy is coming from but I am not sure it is jealousy. She can talk to men from other couples and I get excited about it, even if I have no interest in their partner. She can and has gone off with attached men where I have not played with their partners and I am happy for her. Why is it that single men irk me so much?

 

I feel it has something to do with the fact a single (male or female) who has no experience in the LS with a partner lacks the knowledge of the dynamic. I also fear they have "nothing to lose" and could get wrapped up in emotion. Frankly, the conversations they have can get deep sometimes (on his part) as he is looking for a sympathetic ear. If you know my wife, she is the most compassionate and amazing person, she cant not listen and help. That sometimes scares me as I can see a single falling for her.

 

Does anyone have any insight? similar experiences? Advice?

 

Thanks

It has been my experience that the opposite is more likely to occur. that the married person will develop feelings for the single one. I have had some married women who have become infatuated with me, a a few that have taken it farther.

Other than a "no-zip" fuck, what can a single person hope to gain from the swinging lifestyle? What can he/she hope to give their swing partners in the process?

 

Laura and I restricted our play partners to married couples. They risked the same as we.

 

We likened a single swinger to a person who took a bus to a Porsche club meeting. "I don't have a Porsche, but I can drive your car better than you can!"

I agree with you in principle, Alura, but in point of fact, I think the analogy should be that the single person is the Porsche and the couples are the mini vans. As a single guy in the LS , I'm given a status that most couples don't give to other couples. Perhaps it is that threesomes are very popular , and possibly it's because the single person represents a kind of freedom that a married person doesn't. Or maybe it's just that I'm a hell of a nice fella. lol

Playing with another couple...well, both people are already IN a relationship. Playing with a single guy...no relationship there to get in the way. Also, I too am concerned with the 'smitten' comment. That hints of a deeper emotional connection than just play usually entails. It may only be on her side, but either way, I would be concerned.

 

We only have a few solid rules but one of them is 'if one person says no, then the answer is NO'. Since you are not on board, then you both should walk away.

I agree with you in principle, Alura, but in point of fact, I think the analogy should be that the single person is the Porsche and the couples are the mini vans. As a single guy in the LS , I'm given a status that most couples don't give to other couples. Perhaps it is that threesomes are very popular , and possibly it's because the single person represents a kind of freedom that a married person doesn't. Or maybe it's just that I'm a hell of a nice fella. lol

 

I agree with your point that threesomes are popular, Bob, but married couples can do them, too. We did all our threesomes with couples when one person was not available.

 

Once, Mrs. Playmate, who was in London on business, called to tell us Mr. Playmate was "in need" and she would not be home for a fortnight. Mrs. Alura called him and invited him to a "Morner." (That's like a nooner, only sooner.)

 

Two couples offer a lot more permutations and combinations.

I agree with your point that threesomes are popular, Bob, but married couples can do them, too. We did all our threesomes with couples when one person was not available.

 

Once, Mrs. Playmate, who was in London on business, called to tell us Mr. Playmate was "in need" and she would not be home for a fortnight. Mrs. Alura called him and invited him to a "Morner." (That's like a nooner, only sooner.)

 

Two couples offer a lot more permutations and combinations.

I agree completely with your example, and am quick to recognize that couples offer certain advantages, as do singles, and the LS has room for both. I would also like to say that I would not EVER want to come between a couple, but it has happened, and I was quick to end all contact with the woman, as a result of her misplaced affections..

Thank you all for your input, what a wonderful place to come to talk out issues that are a little out of the "norm" lol.

 

A couple of you commented on my "smitten" comment. I should clarify, I think we are talking semantics here. There is no romantic or threatening (to me) feelings she is having. I suppose I should have said she has an "attraction" to his looks and personality.

 

We have discussed him, my concerns and apprehensions. I have not asked her to cut off communication with him but know she would if I did ask. I did ask her to be clear that they are not allowed to play and she did that quite some time ago. He is well aware she is not a person he can take off and fuck. Even with that information, they continue to talk which does show me he is genuine when he says he wants to build friendships as well. Don't get me wrong, as a man I know how we think and he certainly holds on to a hope it can happen but he has been very respectful not to push those boundaries.

 

She does have permission to make out with him and flirt at the upcoming party but knows that is the limit. She is disappointed but not in a bad way. She holds no fault on me for feeling the way I do and understands why I feel that way. She just wants to fuck him because he's hot and kind lol. I cannot fault her for that.

 

I suppose I am wondering if I am being unreasonable here? I mean, we are very solid in our relationship, 15 years married and 22 together. We got into this for fun and that is what we are having. Her being with him would be just that so why do I have issue? Obviously I cannot ignore how I feel and she is not ignoring it either.... I just don't really know where these feelings are coming from.

I suppose I am wondering if I am being unreasonable here? I mean, we are very solid in our relationship, 15 years married and 22 together. We got into this for fun and that is what we are having. Her being with him would be just that so why do I have issue? Obviously I cannot ignore how I feel and she is not ignoring it either.... I just don't really know where these feelings are coming from.

 

Where are your feelings coming from? Your fear that you'll see 22 years together disappear. I mean it's real (your fear), and I am not really sure what your wife is doing/has done to assuage that fear. I would also like to point out that us men do not readily admit our vulnerabilities, and I am guessing you just found yours.

 

I am not sure where this is going but I wish you the best.

Thank you all for your input, what a wonderful place to come to talk out issues that are a little out of the "norm" lol.

 

A couple of you commented on my "smitten" comment. I should clarify, I think we are talking semantics here. There is no romantic or threatening (to me) feelings she is having. I suppose I should have said she has an "attraction" to his looks and personality.

 

We have discussed him, my concerns and apprehensions. I have not asked her to cut off communication with him but know she would if I did ask. I did ask her to be clear that they are not allowed to play and she did that quite some time ago. He is well aware she is not a person he can take off and fuck. Even with that information, they continue to talk which does show me he is genuine when he says he wants to build friendships as well. Don't get me wrong, as a man I know how we think and he certainly holds on to a hope it can happen but he has been very respectful not to push those boundaries.

 

She does have permission to make out with him and flirt at the upcoming party but knows that is the limit. She is disappointment but not in a bad way. She holds no fault on me for feeling the way I do and understands why I feel that way. She just wants to fuck him because he's hot and kind lol. I cannot fault her for that.

 

I suppose I am wondering if I am being unreasonable here? I mean, we are very solid in our relationship, 15 years married and 22 together. We got into this for fun and that is what we are having. Her being with him would be just that so why do I have issue? Obviously I cannot ignore how I feel and she is not ignoring it either.... I just don't really know where these feelings are coming from.

There is the old saying in the LS, that you go as fast as the slowest partner, and this is what I see here. Your fears are very real to you and it sounds like your spouse is taking it seriously as well, this is a very good thing. One thing you should know is that boundaries are not set in stone. What is acceptable or unacceptable now ,may be ok in the future. You might find that in the days and weeks to come, your fears will be allayed and this will no longer be an issue.

For us I too have had those feelings.I rationalize it this way:

Why swing ? If not to have fun, even mind blowing sex!

I dearly love my wife and want her to have great experiences. Knowing that the men she is "smitten" with fuck her so well and give her mind blowing orgasms makes me feel good. Would I selfishly rather have men fuck her who are lame and clearly not as good as me so she says to me; "wow Baby your the best, no body does it better!" That would boost my ego but make me feel bad for her not having best and better than I can give.

So why swing if not to experience better sex, fulfill fantacy's, enjoy each others joy and happyness.

The term is Compersion.

For us I too have had those feelings.I rationalize it this way:

Why swing ? If not to have fun, even mind blowing sex!

I dearly love my wife and want her to have great experiences. Knowing that the men she is "smitten" with fuck her so well and give her mind blowing orgasms makes me feel good. Would I selfishly rather have men fuck her who are lame and clearly not as good as me so she says to me; "wow Baby your the best, no body does it better!" That would boost my ego but make me feel bad for her not having best and better than I can give.

So why swing if not to experience better sex, fulfill fantacy's, enjoy each others joy and happyness.

The term is Compersion.

 

THIS! This is exactly why I posted. I want to feel complete compersion. I do in most situations. Whenever we are with a trusted couple or she's off with a trusted man I am positively vibrating with excitement. Why not here? This is why I am talking about it. I suppose it all has to do with trust. I intend on giving this guy every opportunity to gain that trust, I do fear though I am seeming a little like the Dad with the shot gun here. lol.

 

I want to be clear and perhaps I have not stated this yet. She gives me the freedom to explore single women, although, other than that one time with an established friend, I have not. It would be hypocritical of me. As Bob250 said, you go as fast as your slowest partner....that just happens to be me I guess.

 

This is all about me and my feelings. She has done nothing wrong with talking to this guy and is respecting my feelings. If anyone reading this thinks otherwise, please understand that the purpose of this post was to help me figure out why I am feeling the way I do.

There is the old saying in the LS, that you go as fast as the slowest partner, and this is what I see here. Your fears are very real to you and it sounds like your spouse is taking it seriously as well, this is a very good thing. One thing you should know is that boundaries are not set in stone. What is acceptable or unacceptable now ,may be ok in the future. You might find that in the days and weeks to come, your fears will be allayed and this will no longer be an issue.

 

Agreed, rules are ever evolving and changing. We discuss changes frequently. I hope that with meeting this man, my fears will be allayed.

How do you address your fears when you keep feeding them - i'm sorry but there is a red flag here and i think you should listen to it,

 

this is how i see it from your post.

You say I'm not sure about him - she says ok but keeps in contact

you say well my feelings must be the problem - she does not hold it against you and keeps the contact going

you say i want to get over it but still feel this way - she keeps up the contact with him

you say well ok then - you give her the ok too continue the communication and now they can fool around as long as no fucking.

you say i hope it will be ok when i meat him - I say you need to rethink who is the husband and who is the single guy.

 

I am not trying to hurt you - no i am tiring to tell stop it now because your concerns should of been more then a compromise for her to get what she wants. lets face it there are millions of single guys out there why this one and why is she willing to go past your feelings - they will fuck and again you will forgive and it will keep on going sorry mate.

 

And to your post about her not doing any thing wrong ( a few post up ) from my point of view if i knew my partner was not comfortable with some one that would be the end of it no questions ask because i love my wife and she does not need to give a reason for me to except that she feels off about some thing - again who is your wife primary partner.

 

and i will not comment any more one this because your hart already knows.

 

Regards.

How do you address your fears when you keep feeding them - i'm sorry but there is a red flag here and i think you should listen to it,

 

this is how i see it from your post.

You say I'm not sure about him - she says ok but keeps in contact

you say well my feelings must be the problem - she does not hold it against you and keeps the contact going

you say i want to get over it but still feel this way - she keeps up the contact with him

you say well ok then - you give her the ok too continue the communication and now they can fool around as long as no fucking.

you say i hope it will be ok when i meat him - I say you need to rethink who is the husband and who is the single guy.

 

I am not trying to hurt you - no i am tiring to tell stop it now because your concerns should of been more then a compromise for her to get what she wants. lets face it there are millions of single guys out there why this one and why is she willing to go past your feelings - they will fuck and again you will forgive and it will keep on going sorry mate.

 

And to your post about her not doing any thing wrong ( a few post up ) from my point of view if i knew my partner was not comfortable with some one that would be the end of it no questions ask because i love my wife and she does not need to give a reason for me to except that she feels off about some thing - again who is your wife primary partner.

 

and i will not comment any more one this because your hart already knows.

 

Regards.

Very good point's all.

Wife has played with several,single men. Its rare when they get attached, esp if they are younger guys in their 30s. But I could probably see it from older guys who want that extra engagement. Generally if younestablish some boundaries and they cross it, you just dont answer their texts or messages.

I'm a single male that's now 36, but I started swinging at the age of 22 with couples. Every other year I'd meet a new couple and swing a bit, then move away for college. I think I played with about 9 couples over the years.

Why was I into it? I lusted after sexy older women, I wanted real no strings sex, I wanted to watch couples, I wanted sex that broke social taboos, and last, older women wanted me. At 5'7" and lower middle class, I couldn't get laid casually in the singles scene easily. I was fit with a decent cock though, and a swinger profile highlighted my strengths. Definitely ny age helped me though. It's been tougher above 30 yrs of age to appear like fantasy candy to the milfs.

 

I didn't have experience sharing a partner that I loved, but I read a lot to gain insight and I held up a couple's marriage as #1 and to be reverenced.

There were times when I wished the woman and I could tell each other that we were special (never the L word), but I wouldn't dare. Looking back, I had unmet romantic needs. I still kept that at bay though.

I did make a couple of mistakes, but none regarding relationships or respect. For example, I once changed my mind on a couple (religious identity crisis hit ) after setting a play date. I gave lots of notice, but I don't like having done a "shady single male" thing.

 

I agree with meeting for threesomes to feel things out before seperate room play with a single.

 

This guy may totally respect your marriage, but he may be used to being verbally intimate with women and doesn't realize that it makes him appear emotionally available. With 7 out of 9 couples, my communication while not in person was with the husband. In person I'd catch up with the woman and we'd all three socialize a lot before sex.

Is he texting with your wife a lot?

Branigan

 

So how did it go - i do hope it went the way you wanted to.

Branigan

 

So how did it go - i do hope it went the way you wanted to.

 

First off, thanks for checking in. I appreciate it. It was a New Years party and went exceptionally well. I met the guy and had great conversations. He was genuine and kind. She made out with him a bit but nothing extreme. All in all I feel way better about it all. I'm feeling way more comfortable with him. I have always been one that needs to see the whites of your eyes to make up my mind.

 

As for our night? We went in to the party with no expectations as one should but we had our eyes on this one couple that we knew would be there. So hot, both of them. We clicked really well and had an incredible night. One of those nights where you look around and life seems surreal. Living the life people dream of. We all started in one room, the other wife and I eventually ventured to her room for some private time (hilarious naked hall dash BTW) then all ended up back together again. I think we were at it for at least 3 hours. We're all bruised, sore and satisfied! One for the books for sure.

I really like hearing happy endings congrats on working it out.

Congrats and thanks for the update!