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Beach4me

Is there help for me?

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Husband & I have tried swinging, tried threesomes, and open relationships for 4 years now. I found the perfect FWB guy for me who I see regularly and have no desire to try anyone else. Hubby however bounces from one person to the next. They text him too much, they want to know too much, are filled with drama & I usually can't handle it anymore and I put an end to it.

 

We go to parties and I'm not comfortable with the people he chooses to have fun with. I typically only play with women at parties and have no desire for men) If I don't like the person he wants to be with, I can't relax, I can't let him enjoy.

 

I prefer that he have quickies and be done. No need for sexting/texting or a relationship with others. Just sex.

 

I want him to have fun, but I'm thinking I'm not cut out for swinging & open relationships. I want my cake, but I can't let him have his.

 

Suggestions anyone??

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Welcome! I hope you find what you are looking for here.

 

I don't have much for advice. Once you open up your marriage the way you did, you also open up the desires that go with this. For you, this is one guy. Your husband's desires are a lot different than yours. He is expressing himself in a manner that he is comfortable. You could probably nudge him into what you find more acceptable but it could simply shift these feelings to him. Marriage is full of compromise, swinging can take that to a new level. This would be too much for me because the differences are so dramatic. But maybe somewhere in there, there is a happy medium.

 

Good luck. Please keep us posted. This experience you are having, is important for people to see. And there will probably be some good advice we can learn from.

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:Welcome:

 

It seems that you are comfortable with one (actually two) guys while he seems to prefer the drama and burn out of NRE (new relationship energy). At the same time, it sounds like you don't want him to have a 'steady' girl either. The question to ask is this something that you want at all? If you walked away, would you miss it? From the small posting you have here it's hard to make such a broad conclusion...hence, I'm asking what you want. What do you think he is looking for? Would you both be satisfied if it all went away? Please, tell us more...

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We started in the LS to find a threesome. We decided to try swinging but typically he finds a woman he likes but I'm not attracted to the man in the couple. We then tried an open relationship since swinging doesn't really work. I found my fwb guy and hubby let me try him out to see if I enjoyed being with another man. I do with him, but I'm not comfortable with anyone else I've met in the LS. My fwb is a very good friend first and I like that. I need to be attracted to a guy... I cannot just do someone for the sake of trying someone new. I have had the same fwb guy now for 2 yrs. I still have no desire to sleep with any other man.

 

Hubby has met other single women and there's always drama with them. They want to text/sext daily and want more of a relationship. We'll try events and parties and I usually tell him not to play with those that bed-hop or try everyone out. I'm very selective, he is not.

 

He would prefer a more fair situation since I have my fwb, but I'm realizing that I'm pretty uncomfortable with a lot. I just can't seem to let him enjoy.

 

I do like going to parties, I like to flirt, I love to play with women. Hubby lets me have fun.

 

I have a perfect fwb relationship but yet he continues to try new ppl out. Not sure if he'd ever find his perfect fwb situation but until he does, I somehow need to tolerate this. I don't want to give up my Fwb... we do have completely different wants from this lifestyle.

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First off, welcome to the site!

 

I will give you a lot of credit for being honest enough to admit there is an element of unfairness in this situation, with you having your cake but not wanting him to have his. Being able to be that honest with both yourself and someone else is a positive, and if there is a resolution to be found here, that honesty is going to be what you leads you to it.

 

Here's how I see it, you have found your place in swinging and are perfectly happy in it now. So happy, you really don't want to give it up. He is still trying to find his place, and it sounds like part of the reason for that is that you aren't comfortable with where you think his place is and so as soon as he starts to settle in, you are pushing him a little to get him to try to find a new place that you think you might find more acceptable. Swinging is a team sport and both have to be on board with what the other half does, that is absolutely true, so not trying to say you don't get any say in this at all. But, when you look at it from afar, it does seem like the constant feeling a bit off balance in your swinging life together is all coming from you, while meanwhile you enjoy the stability of having found your place and not having to fight to maintain it.

 

If you don't think you can ever let him find his place within the same framework of what you enjoy, then yes, I think you probably aren't cut out for swinging, and by having gone down the road this far trying to convince yourself that you are, there is going to be some pain involved, meaning time to end it with the FWB.

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Guest luvin eye full

Well that's the point really isn't it your husband does not want a FWB only he likes the lead up and sex with new women, probably because there is no long term relationship involved.

 

You don't, can I ask who thought that swinging would be a good idea? I would say that your two styles are so different I would think there would be a lot of friction even if that is just under the surface.

 

If it were my wife and I your long term FWB would be the a giant red flag for me, You say he's a good friend 1st - do you talk to him about what your husband is doing?

 

I think he (your husband) will never please you in this lifestyle, can you two step away from all of it while you work on getting back on track - the lifestyle is not meant to make you unhappy or replace anything, it's to add too your already good relationship. If you can not give up the fwb and your husband will not step back either, then your marriage is already in trouble.

 

I think swinging is a team effort and when problems come up then fix the team before playing again.

 

Regards.

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It sounds like the 4 years swinging experience has left you not being able to stomach what's good for your man. Unless you venture out into the LS from a place of 'giving' to your other half than you are not swinging but just tolerating who the other one fucks!

 

Sorry to sound harsh but you are flying solo darling, you are not thinking about anyone other than yourself at the moment. Say good bye to the distraction and focus on your husband, just the two of you for now, it won't be forever however you two need to reconnect.

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I"m curious, how often do you speak to your FWB, how often do you see him? I'm also curious what the problem is with him sleeping with someone who has slept with a lot of other people, because that sounds like exactly the sort of person you want him with, someone who doesn't get attached.

 

I'm also wondering if part of the reason your husband can't settle into a FWB type relationship is because you won't let him, you mistake the initial excitement of a new connection with drama and wanting too much. I have plenty of swinging friends who I have gone through phases of communicating with daily or almost daily, usually in the very beginning when we were getting to know each other and in the new toy excitement phase. After a couple of play sessions though we get more into a rhythm of being friends and communicate only when one of us has something to say, but it doesn't sound like you're letting your husband ever get to that point with anyone.

 

 

You've created this mental list of things that someone must be in order for you to be comfortable with having them as a 4th in your relationship. You want someone who will see your dh regularly, only communicate with him sparingly, have no emotions of their own and not sleep with other people. Does that sound realistic to you? Can you elaborate on what it is that makes you uncomfortable, what's your fear? is it jealousy? Fear that he will leave you? fear that someone will be better than you? Until you understand what your pain is and what you're scared of you will never be able to let those fears go and allow your husband to have the freedom you obviously want to give him.

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From an outsiders point of view your fwb is the threat to your relationship and not the women that your husband has brief flings with, obviously I am not living your situation and only you know how everything is balanced but it seems to me you should both maybe take a step back and concentrate on each other for a while, if you decide to start again later maybe focus on a couple that you can both find attractive and play it more as a couple?

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I have to echo what others have been saying. I, too, was a little confused about what the problem is precisely. You want him to have meaningless sex, but you don't want him to have too many multiple partners. You want him to settle into a FWB relationship like yours, but you don't want there to be any emotion. There's a lot of contradiction, and it's unclear what it is you're after.

 

Sex is always going to have the potential for developing emotional attachments, because it is an intimate activity. The only way you're going to be able to completely avoid the risk of losing your partner's heart is to have your hearts so full of one another that there's just no room for anyone else. When you don't have that emotional energy left to invest - and/or the desire to do so - then it's not even your choice. This is how I'm able to so enjoy seeing Mr. intuition enjoy his encounters with other women. I understand he's just enthused with the new energy of it all, and I love seeing that in him. Likewise, he enjoys seeing me having fun exploring new people, too. We're comfortable with this - and even relish it - because we know one another's hearts and minds. I know he's not comparing other women to me. I don't have competition. Period. If I did, we'd have no business swinging.

 

If there are any poly folks reading this thread, it would be interesting to get your input on this. I sort of understand poly dynamics, but I can't relate to having the emotional fortitude to be able to invest myself (trust) more than one person at a time.

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We both like playing & hubby doesn't mind my fwb at all.

He's happy that I have a comfortable/trusting fwb.

He too would love what I have, but I'm not very good at letting him try to get there.

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Fwb is not really a threat. Hubby is fine with him. I just need to figure out why I can't let go and let my hubby have the same opportunity to try to have a decent fwb too.

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Thank you, it is off balance and I need to figure out why I have these issues with letting him have the same fun that I do.

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Fwb is not really a threat. Hubby is fine with him. I just need to figure out why I can't let go and let my hubby have the same opportunity to try to have a decent fwb too

 

Just a wild guess, here, but is it perhaps that you know the inside of your head and heart pretty intimately, and so you know without a doubt that your FWB is not a threat...and yet, because you have to take your husband's word for it, you don't trust that his experiences might mirror your own? His potential FWB's likely hold the same value to him as yours does to you, but you have difficulty believing that. So where might that lack of trust come from?

 

Here's another question or two. What would be your ideal scenario for the both of you? And what is your worst case scenario?

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Guest luvin eye full

Lol I was about to say the same thing,

 

She knows alright and that's what scares her into sabotaging her husband's efforts.

 

But until she can be truthful with herself then there is no way out of this for them. I think she would be happy to have two husbands and they all just stop this swingers idea.

 

regards

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I just had a raspberry seed stuck in my teeth. It is not threatening to my health, but I couldn't leave it alone until it was gone. She seems to have that same sort of obsession to her husband's behavior--knows, or thinks, it isn't a threat, but wants it outta there. NOW!

 

Seems that what is described is stereotypical female/male mating behavior. She wants a steady, satisfying relationship. He wants to play the field. Maybe I'm wrong, but does he really want the stable 4th? Seems like it could be quite doable if she has hers, plus all the women she wants to play with, and he just finds a warm place to put it, regardless of who that place is connected to.

 

There could be an easy solution: She accepts that his goal or ideal is different than hers.

 

I know, as a guy I'm missing some essentials, but ya know.

 

Worn

I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary.

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A man wants meaningless sexting and play with a bunch of different female partners?

 

That's outrageous and I'm shocked. :lol:

 

Sincere questions:

 

1) His female partners have "drama". Do they? Is this sucking your husband into some situation that impacts your day-to-day? Is he telling you too much about their lives? Is this a problem with the personalities he's drawn to or do you think you might just be perceiving it as drama because you don't like them?

 

2) Would your husband have a bad reaction to the same behavior? He's comfortable with your steady FWB, but what if you started playing the field the way he does? Is this an equal opportunity understanding on his part?

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