Going crazy, it's too much!!!

So hubby and I have been swinging a little over 2 yrs now. He struggled with jealousy for awhile but had been doing better. I even had a moment or two over time where I felt it. I'm not sure if this is jealousy or what, it feels more like anger.

So about 2 months ago hubby really gets into MFM. He lived looking and setting them up because he said he "loves seeing me happy and acting like his slut" (not derogatory in our case). We have a few hubby sets up and they are ok. Ok because he wanted to pick the guy, he don't like me talking to singles.

Then he starts throwing it up to me when we are arguing. How he does this for me but never gets his unicorn. It has been since we first started since we had one, but that's not my fault, he turned down the few we have come across for not being his type. I'm pissed cause I didn't even ask for the mfm, he Wanted to but since I got two cocks it was for me.

So ok, let's find unicorn so it's back to "fair". (Always kept eye out for one anyway but let's be a lil more aggressive looking) I write some chics, he starts writing... And writing, and writing. I'm not joking. Like over a hr or 2 a day looking, over 10 messages a day, kik talk, emails, sites, on and on. For 2 weeks straight now.

I told him it was getting to be a little much. Literally every day thing. I hear about his unicorn hunt n have to look at all these chics he's trying for constantly. He explained it's harder for him to find, so he has to write more. I get that. But all the damn time? He turned down sex with me tonight cause he was to busy kik this chic that lives in another state. He said he knew I was aggravated with him so he assumed I didn't want sex anyway.

That used to be fun, now I'm just feeling pissed off and jealous. I don't mind him finding a unicorn. I hope he does. I'll be happy for him. But I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind if I have to hear about another damn chic. It's all the time.

He said he would slow it down some since it was bothering me. He lied. Another 13 emails, kik, pic exchanges, and more hunting today.

I'm really upset. I'm not even sure why. It has just became to much. I'm going crazy. Someone please help me!

Sorry it hasnt gone well for you as a couple. Many men really enjoy seeing their wives playing with others and are the ones arranging the dates. My wife has not arranged a single date for me, but gives me the freedom to set up my own with her consent. Thats how it usually is done. I honestly dont know many women who set up their husbands for dates. Hope your situation improves.

There are several warning flags waving here: His 'obsessing' over a unicorn, the jealousy, his 'throwing it up to me when we are arguing', heck, that you are arguing. Swinging is all about love, trust and communication. One (or more) of these needs work on. I would suggest taking a break from everything until you both can strengthen up whatever is weak. Swinging is a team sport and should be done together equally. It is not a weapon or something to be used against the other. Until things can get back under control, I don't think that you should be continuing. Good luck and let us know how things go for both of you.

There are several warning flags waving here: His 'obsessing' over a unicorn, the jealousy, his 'throwing it up to me when we are arguing', heck, that you are arguing.

I wrote the comment then thought to stay out of it, but really, never weaponize sex in an argument. Nothing good can come from that, it just associates it with bad feelings.

If he's been egging on MFM then suddenly feels that it's unfair that FMF hasn't worked out, it's not fair for him to guilt-trip you over it, either it. I agree with GoldCoCouple that it sounds like you should stop until you get on the same page. He should be mature enough to recognize that it's a difficult situation and there's no reason to pursue it if it's going to be difficult or cause conflict.

 

There are several warning flags waving here: His 'obsessing' over a unicorn, the jealousy, his 'throwing it up to me when we are arguing', heck, that you are arguing. Swinging is all about love, trust and communication. One (or more) of these needs work on. I would suggest taking a break from everything until you both can strengthen up whatever is weak. Swinging is a team sport and should be done together equally. It is not a weapon or something to be used against the other. Until things can get back under control, I don't think that you should be continuing. Good luck and let us know how things go for both of you.

GoldCoCouple's has shared with you really good advice and I hope you will heed it. I read your initial post and inwardly shuddered. I suggest you should stop having sex with others now and find a good relationship counselor. I'm not seeing all the aspects of your relationship of course, but based on what you've shared you seem to me to be on the road to heartache, lawyers and a diminished lifestyle.

My hope for you is that you get your relationship back on track. And perhaps once that has been achieved, and if you are both still up for it, you can enjoy the benefits the LS can provide.

I don't expect or even want him to set my dates. Doesn't matter either way to me. I don't mind trying to help him find one for him either.

I guess my main issue is that he seems kinda obsessed with it right now. That he spends so much time doing it. That every single day I'm hearing about all these different chics. Even if men do look more often, surely all you ladies are not ok with this much. Already today, he has spent 2 hrs online looking, sent 8 messages, and a good amount of time drooling over naked chics on Reddit. none if these things by themselves bother me, it's just the amount of it is overwhelming.

We talked about it earlier. He says it's because he is bored. (He just had shoulder surgery a month ago and can't up back to work yet) I understand he is bored. I get it. But he can't understand that this constant hunt is starting to really hurt my feelings and make me feel bad.

We are going to take a break while we work on things, but I guess I need advice on how to work on things. A normal relationship forum wouldn't help once it was discovered that swinging was a issue. I can't discuss with friends because we don't want to marked as that couple with a problem. Surely we are not only swingers who ever had issues. I feel so isolated and like there is no where to turn.

The other thing that reads oddly to me is that he wanted to pick guys for you because he didn't want you talking to singles, but also rejected the ones you picked for him and is searching for his own unicorn. If his idea of fairness is that it be a one-for-one equal sort of endeavor, I don't see where he's coming from.

Mind you, I have no idea what's typical: we've only had a couple of experiences. However, in our first instance, I encouraged Mrs. EastInWest to flirt and then suggested it myself - to her, in front of them. The second time, the other wife - who we both knew - invited Mrs. EastInWest to use her best judgment about inviting me, then I talked to the male, who I'd never met before. If I unilaterally solicited a female directly, I think Mrs. EastInWest might break out a frying pan.

This all sounds very ad hoc and one-sided, and like what he really wanted all along was the FMF and that he imagined the MFM as a trade "for you", which, if you didn't really care and though you were doing it for him, is a communication problem. I think anybody here will tell you they're called unicorns for a reason and that MFM and couples are much easier to come by.

I'm so confused by what you guys have set up. If you want MFM and FMF why not just arrange a MFMF which is like a thousand times easier to find than a unicorn? I feel like you guys are deliberately making this whole thing way more complicated than it needs to be.

Add to that the fact that you don't seem to be really listening to each other at all and you have a pretty explosive situation.

I believe your DH may have enjoyed seeing you get enjoyment from an MFM and believed it to be far more wanted by you then it actually was. I can only imagine how I would feel if I got gift after gift for my husband only to never receive any kind of reciprocation, you better believe that I would be heading out with the credit card to buy my own damn diamond, so I can see how those feelings might be at play here too.

I think you both need to think long and hard about what you each want out of the lifestyle, and what you want from each other within that framework. Perhaps he really enjoys the hunt, but if it's making you uncomfortable how can you compromise? DH and I deal with this by always being included on each others messages and talking to each other about how we will respond, so could you join in with his unicorn hunt and chat with the girls yourself (after all, you will be 1/3 of this adventure). Perhaps a good exercise would be for you both two write down what you see life in the lifestyle looking like, how much time it would take up, how often you would see people, how involved you would be with your play partners. Once you both have that picture in your heads you can see how to make both of your desires align more closely.

We do see couples. Here recently he got on a kick where he wanted mfm. Ok, thank you. Now he wants his fmf. I am 100% fine with that.

What I have a issue with is it his unicorn hunt is consuming our lives.

I do help look. Currently chatting up 2 different ones he finds hot, and send a message or two a day to others. I don't have time to spend 2+ hrs a day every day hunting for chics like he does.

I feel like he did those mfm just so he could have a excuse when he started this crap. It's thrown up enough when we talk about it. I don't care if we never have another. At this point we aren't swinging at all till this crap if fixed.

I'm not ok being ignored daily while he hunts down women, when I'm not even allowed to talk to a guy without him. I'm not ok with swinging consuming our lives. I'm not ok with hearing about 20 different women a day... Every single day. I'm not saying he can't look, or we can't do it, I'm saying this is too damn much! He says he don't understand how I feel, seems like no one else does other. Maybe I am just crazy.

I'm not saying he can't look, or we can't do it, I'm saying this is too damn much! He says he don't understand how I feel, seems like no one else does other. Maybe I am just crazy.

I don't think anybody here is saying that your feelings are unjustified. Quite the opposite.

They're just trying to give you honest advice on what the problem seems to be, and a lot of it seems to be an issue of communication and trust that's making a bunch of resentment boil over. I get the sense that you're looking for a narrower solution to the issue of him seemingly obsessing over finding a unicorn for FMF, and I get that. The larger situation sounds like a warning unto itself, though, and I think that's what people are trying to say here.

Why didn't he like the women you selected?

We are here trying to offer you advice and help the both of you. We want to help give you the support that you are looking for. Part of the problem is that even though you are saying that you are stopping, HE isn't stopping. He's going full speed ahead:

Already today, he has spent 2 hrs online looking, sent 8 messages, and a good amount of time drooling over naked chics on Reddit.

I'm not ok being ignored daily while he hunts down women, when I'm not even allowed to talk to a guy without him. I'm not ok with swinging consuming our lives. I'm not ok with hearing about 20 different women a day... Every single day. I'm not saying he can't look, or we can't do it, I'm saying this is too damn much! He says he don't understand how I feel, seems like no one else does other. Maybe I am just crazy.

We agree with you 100%! This is NOT okay. This IS too much. If he has so much spare time, how much of it is he spending it with you? You both need to talk about this. Maybe direct him here so he can present his side of the story. Something is going to have to change or this isn't going to end well...that much is easy to see. We wish we could do more other than offer advise and support...and wish you the best moving forward. If there is more that you need, just ask and we'll do what we can.

I'm really sorry that there are no magic words to make your husband understand how you're feeling. If you've talked to him already and he's not listening then there really isn't much else any of us can say because if communication has broken down that's a big crack in a swinging relationship and more than any of us are qualified or able to fix.

You can probably find a lifestyle friendly therapist, even if you have to do skype consultations, and that might help you work through these issues. But really your only option is some form of communication, whether it's facilitated or not.

Obsession is bad no matter what you're obsessing about, I used to be mad about computer games , joined a team, played a few hours everynight, my relationship dipped and I really didn't notice or realise how much damage I was doing.

Then it was my guitar , joined a band , and it started eating up all my time and had the same result.

My latest obsession is my wife , lucky for us I guess, but only now do I realise what I've been missing out on for so long.

I'm sure he doesn't realise how much this is hurting you, and I'm sure you can woo him back , don't give up on him.

On a practical note , how about visiting a club to try and get his mff fix?