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cpgaribaldi

How to convince my wife to get into the lifestyle?

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Hi,

 

I am Giuseppe, 30, and my wife Anitta is 26. I am here for two reasons, first I wanna do virtual friends with whom I can talk about these things ocasionally. Second I need help for dealing with a situation.

 

I never had a swinger experience (wife swap at least), but I am completely sure I am into the lifestyle, open relationship, swing, threesomes, orgies and etc.

 

My wife knows everything and we always talk about that. We have been married for 3 years, and we have already gone to 2 swingers club (two shit ones in Italy with almost no one in it) and an adult resort, besides some strip clubs. In the resorts we made out with some couples (only kissing and rubbing hands and parts).

 

The problem is, she doesn't try to find anything by her own, and she always try to avoid these new experiences. Even if she saw the positive effect this little transgressive experience produced on us. However she never say no, I don't want to be in thia lifestyle.

 

Actually we are having sex very little between us right know, something like 1 or 2 times a week.

 

I love her with all my heart, but I am a very sexual person and I feel imprisioned inside myself with all my desires unfulfilled. So I need some experienced friends to at least talk about that.

 

Thank you

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Hello, Giuseppe, and welcome to SwingersBoard!

 

Many people ask a question like yours- and it usually is husbands asking how to convince their wives to enter the swinging lifestyle. And what you will generally hear in response is that convincing your wife to enter the lifestyle will probably not work. She has to decide on her own that swinging is right for her, and right for your marriage. Being non-monogamous is not for most people, and those of us for whom it works have decided to defy society's norms in order to practice consensual non-monogamy. Anitta needs to be willing and enthusiastic about doing this in order for you two to be happy in the lifestyle.

 

The fact of Anitta's not saying no is not quite enough to give one a lot of hope! And you say that she tries to avoid these experiences. So it sounds like she is not interested. You say that you two always talk about swinging. How do these frequent conversations go? Do you always have these talks while in the heat of sex, or are you talking while you're both clothed, relaxed, and focused? Are you sure that Anitta knows that you love and desire her, and want to share this adventure with her rather than replace her? Have you built a foundation of love, trust, and open, honest communication? These things are important factors for a healthy swinging relationship.

 

I recommend that you two talk, openly and honestly, while clothed and not aroused, about your relationship and swinging. Make sure she knows that you love only her, that you want to do this only with her agreement, and that you respect her wishes and will not do anything about this idea if she says no. Really listen to her, how she feels about her relationship with you, her level of trust, and her feelings about swinging. If she confirms that she is not interested in pursuing the lifestyle, it's important that you respect her decision, and drop the subject.

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First of all thanks for your advice!!!

 

About your questions:

 

"Do you always have these talks while in the heat of sex, or are you talking while you're both clothed, relaxed, and focused? Are you sure that Anitta knows that you love and desire her, and want to share this adventure with her rather than replace her? Have you built a foundation of love, trust, and open, honest communication?"

 

After fantasizing only during the sex at the beginning, we started to have these converations in a not sexual context. Laying in the couch, in a pub and so on. Focused.

 

I cannot be 100% sure that she is secure about me not replacing her, but I would totally bet that she is secure about that if I had to. I'm glad to have built from the very beginning of our relationship, a completely honest, trustful and open relationship, we can talk about any topic, really there are no taboo topics for us.

 

I am reading a book from Tristan Taormino, called opening up. It talks about non-monogamy, the experience of many different couples and the common aspects to different kinds of relationships. Ocasionally I show to her some passage on the book. She told me that a possible problem is that she is a little bit afraid with the idea of having sex with other people, so we decided to define clear boundaries, for example, flirting and kissing is ok, sexual touchs with others, sex in swinger clubs only between us and so on.

 

For me doing only this would be amazing, the problem is even after we agreed about doing that, she didn't change her mindset about it. She is not proposing anything, she even refused my invite for going to another swing club last weekend. Well, it seems clear that she is not into it, my doubt is: She definitely doesn't want to share this with me? Or she is only processing all the stuff? Should I ask for a definitive answer, even if it is a NO? This undefined situation is killing me.

 

Anyway, I really appreciate your advices. :)

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Giuseppe, welcome!

Have you ever seen that picture of 2 machines, one male, one female? The male machine has a switch. The female machine looks like the inside of an airplane cockpit. Where you are thinking "yes, I want to do this." Anitta is thinking "Yes, I want to do this....but" And that is where the clog is. After the 'but' comes her preacher, her mom, her education, questioning what is normal, fear of being caught, being a slut. It's a very long list and there is no yes or no answer. Please don't push, but keep the talks going. Barriers can fall once logic is presented..tactfully.

Good luck and please, let us know how it's going for you guys.

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Thanks a lot JandKinBoise!!

 

Actually you are completely right. I've been having this 'kinky' mind for many years so far, and this is something completely new for her. Even if we have been together for 3 years, it is not enough for her to understand what exactly does she want.

 

I will keep studying and keep talking openly about the theme. The more I study the more I get convinced that I am a non-monogamous person, and I just have to find a way to accommodate the things and make them work for us.

 

Well, what I specifically don't know right now is if I should invite her again to go to swing clubs, or if I should completely stop inviting her for doing these things. My fear is if I don't, the things will just stop where they are and we will not try anything else again. Since she is not proposing anything by her own.

 

Anyway, the possibility of talking to someone else about this topic is helping me a lot. Thanks a lot folks.

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Maybe try a completely different approach. One of the things dh and I loved to do when we were just getting back into the lifestyle after a long break, was to read the forums here and elsewhere, together. We would find an interesting scenario, often laugh about it together, then talk about how we felt about that particular thing. Through doing this we learned a lot about each other's fears and desires and hesitations.

 

Right now you should be firmly in the talking stage, finding out what she really feels and thinks (is she saying yes because she's scared to lose you if she says no? That would be my big concern based on what you've written). Once you really really understand all of her thoughts and feelings, so much so that you would be able to answer for her if someone were to ask you "is it ok if I do x to your wife" (which by the way someone will ask you at some point) and you know the answer you give would be the exact same on she would give in that moment...only then will you be ready to move back into real life experiences, together, as close to being one mind on the subject as it's possible to be.

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Thanks a lot CostaRica, actually reading others experiences could be an interesting alternative. About the answer if someone could do something with her, it would be good to know the answer, but actually if it really happens I will tell the person to ask directly her, since she will always have the final word.

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Guest FunintheSnow

Giuseppe--

 

We know what your fantasies are (generally speaking). You know what your fantasies are. Your wife knows what your fantasies are!

 

But what are *her* deepest fantasies?

 

If you are not already doing so, I would encourage her to tell you what excites her that she's not already experiencing. Focus on what new experiences you can have together that you would both enjoy. Since you are the kinkier one, you may well be okay with just about anything she suggests--so explore that together.

 

Improving your own communication--especially in the area of sex--and improving your sex life with her is the first step. And even if you never end up exploring the LS together, your marriage (and sex life) will still be better for the changes.

 

I was with my husband for ten years before we tried some things, fifteen before we tried others, and over 20 before we started swinging. I'm not saying that long wait is in your future, necessarily, but that three years is not very long for the two of you to fully explore your sexuality together. Enjoy the journey!

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My wife and I have swapped a couple times and she is into when she drinks, but only will do it if a girl initiates something with her. If she knows I'm pushing it she shuts down. Which is hard because I would really like to do this more. My wife has big DD and amazing hot Latina. The times I've seen her hook up with girls it's such a turn on. I would be happy just having sex with her while she kisses the another girl. Even when we swapped it didn't bother and I wasn't jealous. I kind of don't mind see another cock go in her. I just want to explore this more with get any tips to get her to open up more?

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Hi G welcome hey seen your in Italy thats awesome, i would like to be there also check your messages ! Florence italy!

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Having your image of your wife take another cock is what I as a wife like to start with. My hubby and I play with other couples and the Wife wants him to fuck her eventually

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