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Sjmar

Emotional trigger- feeling distraught

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Once again I'm asking for support from you wonderful wise folks.

 

If you don't know my history of abuse, feel free to catch up here: Help working through emotions...... (and, btw, really felt like I worked through that well. We've swapped several times since then and I'm fine with him interacting w the other woman).

 

So with this one couple we've played with multiple times and gotten really comfortable with, yesterday her husband was fucking me while she was blowing my husband. Everyone's having fun, it's great, it's hot, etc. Up until now he has never cum with someone else (and it's something we talked about, I told him I wasn't sure how it would make me feel and to please not unless I gave the ok). Well I knew he was at a point where he was probably getting close, and so I whispered to him that if he wanted to cum he could. He asked "are you sure?" and I said yes. Well.......

 

Big, big fucking mistake. I feel like I'm having a ptsd episode. I was crying last night, I feel totally depressed, I feel sick about it. It ended up being a total and complete trigger for me. Mr feels awful about it, he would never hurt me purposefully and he has always been 100% respectful of any pace I wanted to set and any boundaries I wanted to have.

 

And I even know that logically it's not like "another woman made him cum" cut and dry. He said, and I believe as it's a HUGE turn-on for him, that a big part of what took him over the edge was seeing me play and hearing my moans. But I feel like I've been thrown into an emotional fucking tailspin, and it sucks. I keep seeing it in my head. It doesn't help that no one has even come CLOSE to making me cum. And it probably doesn't help that she was the one to make her husband cum too (although I did last time we played)- I wonder if I would be processing it differently if I had made him cum. And there's an extra layer of feeling depressed that my past that I thought I moved on from is still fucking with me (lol sorry for all the f bombs, there's a lot of "fuck"s in my head right now). My husband is NOT my ex, and this was NOT against my will, and he would NEVER cheat on me or do anything I didn't consent to, and he's absolutely the most caring and wonderful husband ever.

 

Gah, so does anyone have anything to offer up? (And yes we've already talked about how boundaries shouldn't and cannot shift during play, it needs to be ok'd outside of the bedroom from here on out, just too much risk of backlash consenting to something new in the "heat of the moment") And if your suggestion is counseling, are there resources for swinging-friendly therapists? I would prefer someone who is understanding of the LS.

 

Many thanks in advance, and if nothing else I think once again just writing all this out will turn out to be very therapeutic and hopefully helpful to me

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Oh and wanted to add that I've definitely come a long way with working through the feelings of my past and being ok with Mr interacting w another woman- yesterday I came for the first time during play (yay!!!) even though I knew another woman was stroking my husband's cock while he was making me cum. It sucks that this other trigger happened, because I'm realizing just now what a big deal that is!! Def would not have been able to go over the edge if that was upsetting me or making me uncomfortable..........two steps forward, one step back?

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And I even know that logically it's not like "another woman made him cum" cut and dry. He said, and I believe as it's a HUGE turn on for him, that a big part of what took him over the edge was seeing me play and hearing my moans. But I feel like I've been thrown into an emotional fucking tailspin, and it sucks. I keep seeing it in my head. It doesn't help that no one has even come CLOSE to making me cum. And it probably doesn't help that she was the one to make her husband cum too (although I did last time we played)- I wonder if I would be processing it differently if I had made him cum.

 

I think the fact that you're asking this question might reveal that it's something bothering you, even if it's not the key. All of this sounds totally understandable and not something you should be hard on yourself for feeling, for sure. Your posts have shown how much you're learning about yourself.

 

Would you describe your frustration as being with your husband, with the play partner, or with yourself? I can imagine about six different inner monologues depending on how you're feeling.

 

You mention that you feel like it wasn't bothering you at all at the time... Is it kind of a "buyer's remorse" thing where you're not confident in the decision you made in the moment and are analyzing it harshly now?

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Sjmar, I'm sorry that these emotional triggers are happening to you.

 

If you think back, can you identify what you were feeling at the moment that things turned sour for you, and why you were feeling that way? You've given a very complete and rational description of why you believe you should not have felt as you did, but it might be instructive to delve into the moment when your feelings changed from loving consent to crying, depressed, and sick. Did it happen at the moment when he came, or was it later on? What was the feeling, and what were you thinking or experiencing when the feeling came on?

 

Also, and this question is a little hard to express, can you say which feelings were due to the original trigger, and which were perhaps a reaction to the fact that you were having the original unhappy feeling? I can imagine that you might have been frustrated about having this PTSD-type reaction, and maybe feeling some additional things in response to that.

 

You've been working through a lot, and making all kinds of progress, so I hope you give yourself some credit for that (e.g., You came!! Yay for you, you sexy horn-dog!), and be patient with yourself.

 

I know of a sex therapist who might be able to help you out. She is not local to you, but can do sessions via Skype. She has been helping a couple of friends of mine. And I know she is swinger-friendly, because I met her at Naughty in N'awlins last summer! PM me if you want to contact her.

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Eastinwest I'm not even sure- lol I think there are at least 6 different monologues happening in my head right now. I know it's my "fault" for giving him permission, I shouldn't have opened new boundaries in the middle of play, but part of me is indeed upset with him feeling like he should have known that it could be a trigger.

 

Not upset w my play partner (not sure if you're referring to him or her), she's always been respectful of boundaries and would never intentionally cross one and it's not like I "failed" to make her husband cum- we don't really pair off during play but rather play in a group dynamic (we only play w couples where the woman is bi) so it was just kind of coincidence that she was the one to make him cum (I made her cum twice though, yum!!)

 

And yes buyers remorse for sure. It was weird to me when it happened but it didn't hit me until a few hours later. If nothing else this was a huge confirmation that any expansion of boundaries need to be discussed and agreed upon before play (or at least a time out w us talking off to the side if we are mid play), especially with my past- in the heat of the moment I'm a lot more open (lol that sex drunk I suppose) and then it's when I step back that it hits me emotionally.

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Coupleinmd79 I don't know the exact moment things turned sour- it was a little "weird" during, but it wasn't until later that it hit me, until we were alone actually (which was several hours later, as all four of us worked up a big appetite and decided to go grab a bite together after play lol). I'm not even sure if I can say exactly what I was feeling at that moment, it was like a switch flipped in my head that sent me tumbling down into these feelings (hopefully another day or two and continuing to talk it through with you fucking amazing people may help me to clarify and sort through all of this and give a better answer to that question).

 

And it took me reading it a few times to get what you were asking lol ("Also, and this question is a little hard to express, can you say which feelings were due to the original trigger, and which were perhaps a reaction to the fact that you were having the original unhappy feeling?") but while it may take me a little bit to actually sort out which feelings are which ( at the moment just feels like a big cluster fuck in my brain), I can certainly recognize that my upset and trauma is twofold, partly about what happened yesterday and then a whole other set of feelings about the fact that my piece of shit abusive motherfucker ex still has some hold on me. I can't begin to express how much I resent that and how much I want him OUT of my fucking head. Just writing out that sentence in this moment has me crying. This journey into the lifestyle has been about so much more than fun casual sex, and even more than about the connections and friends we've made so far, this has made me face so many buried demons and work through so much buried trauma, and I'm so incredibly grateful because I think working through it is so SO long overdue, but man some of this shit is hard!

 

Anyhoo, yes I will pm you, thank you so much xoxoxo

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You guys are like a big sexy therapy group lol! I'm so grateful for this community!!!!!!

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Hi Sjmar

 

Buried in all of your turmoil is the good stuff too...You took, by the sound of it, a HUGE step. You gave him permission. YOU gave that to him! Nobody else. You stepped outside the box and did something beautiful for the both of you... That's progress, even if you think you're not coping very well with the aftermath of emotions that are clouding your judgement at the moment.

 

Just a thought..Go back to the moment and focus on what compelled you to push your bounderies...Were you turned on? Because you did. And you survived!

 

take care

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- we don't really pair off during play but rather play in a group dynamic (we only play w couples where the woman is bi) so it was just kind of coincidence that she was the one to make him cum.

 

Can't quite exactly picture the scene, but I know MrsZ's biggest trigger to orgasm & embracing the total situation is when I'm also physically with her when she cums.

 

Either holding & hugging her as she's taken from behind, or head buried around my cock.

 

Either way it's usually a huge tangle of 4 bodies that works best.

 

We have rarely played apart, & by that I mean even a matter of feet.

I thinks it's the remaining closeness & touching during swap that cements the togetherness for her.

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Mrs. Alura and I had one rule, that we would not "make love" with anyone else. That turned out to be easy to abide by because we didn't love anyone else.

 

I remember that jealousy-inspired ache in the stomach one time. We had finished playing with a couple. I was sitting on the floor beside Mrs. Playmate and Laura was by the Mr. Playmate. Laura laid her head on Mr. Playmate's thigh and he was stoking her hair.

 

We often said "Goodnight" to our sons by sitting on their beds, talking to them, and "loving their hair."

 

After they left, I told Laura about my feelings. She promised that she would never let that happen again, and she didn't.

 

Strange and unexpected events can trigger those feelings. Fortunately, we were able to talk it out. I hope y'all are as successful. My best to you and your husband!

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Hi Sjmar

 

Buried in all of your turmoil is the good stuff too...You took, by the sound of it, a HUGE step. You gave him permission. YOU gave that to him! Nobody else. You stepped outside the box and did something beautiful for the both of you... That's progress, even if you think you're not coping very well with the aftermath of emotions that are clouding your judgement at the moment.

 

Just a thought..Go back to the moment and focus on what compelled you to push your bounderies...Were you turned on? Because you did. And you survived!

 

take care

 

Yes it was a big step! I know that it's progress, and that if I hope to work through all this old trauma that there's bound to be some messiness in the mix, but if I find healing (as I have already in this journey) then it's totally worth it.

 

And what compelled me to push boundaries? No it wasn't that I was turned on by that per se (to be honest, there's no component of him playing with someone else that turns me on. I'm ok with it, but I'm ok with it because it keeps things balanced when we are with a couple not because it arouses me. The biggest turn ons for me are playing with another woman and playing with my husband in that group dynamic- even playing with another man is secondary to g/g for me, and what turns me on most about playing w another man is knowing how aroused my husband is (he's got a serious thing for watching me lol). I love fulfilling his fantasies). It was really more about me trying to be considerate, knowing that if he was watching me getting fucked while someone was doing anything to his penis it would be difficult for him to refrain from cumming without pausing what was happening between him and her. And wanting to be "nice" is definitely not a good reason to push boundaries :-/

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We have rarely played apart, & by that I mean even a matter of feet.

I thinks it's the remaining closeness & touching during swap that cements the togetherness for her.

 

Yes! We are exactly the same way, I mean when this was happening he was close enough that I easily could have reached out and touched him, close enough that she was able to lean over and kiss me immediately after. It's one of the reasons why we only play with couples where the woman is confidently bisexual, it seems to be such a beautiful glue that holds that group play dynamic together :-) i'm definitely not in this just because I want to have sex with other people, rather I'm in this because I want to have these experiences WITH my husband......lol and because my husband does not have a pussy for me to lick!!

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Alura, this is definitely true: "Strange and unexpected events can trigger those feelings." And especially for someone who suffered mental, emotional, sexual and physical abuse, we really just don't know what might trigger something for me. But the important thing is that we work through it together, and that he is absolutely my biggest cheerleader and supporter

 

And to everyone, thank you so much for your support and advice! 48 hours later I am feeling so much better. For sure I still have some residual feelings about the experience (and it has solidified for me that Mr. only climaxing with me as a boundary I would like to maintain at least for now), but writing/talking/thinking things out on this board, lots of discussion with my husband (he cried almost as much as I did, it makes him sick what happened to me, and that I would have any feelings about him that could be connected to my past), lots of yoga (including meditation) has help me to step back and realize this event was not a traumatic experience.

 

As in, the event that took place was not about anybody disrespecting or wanting to hurt me, nobody manipulated me, nobody coerced me or intimidated me or anything like that. This was simply a consensual event in the context of a respectful, loving relationship that happened to trigger something awful from my past. And being able to step back and really truly see that has been so helpful.

 

Goodness gracious, if somebody had told me just a year ago that embarking on a journey where my husband and I were sexually intimate with other people would help me to work through so many of my demons, so much of my trauma and my awful past, I would have told them they were crazy!! This particular episode has reminded me that this is working best for us when we take small little baby steps and not big leaps past unsure boundaries, but overall our journey into the LS has been phenomenal on so many levels and I have a feeling we will be around for years to come, continuing to evolve and grow along the way xoxoxo

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