Please tell me it gets better...

Please, Please, Please tell me that this gets better... Let me start by saying that this was all my idea to go into this lifestyle, but now I am wondering... We have met 2 couples now and I have yet to have sex with either. The first couldn't get it up, I was ok with my other half finishing up with the other lady. Fast forward this weekend we met a couple, great chemistry, we all clicked. Got up to the bedroom, I knew he was very nervous, each couple played with their own partner, then switched. Well, my other half has No Problem getting a raging hard-on... we then switched. Well, once again I watched my other-half do his amazing oral skills, watched him get a blow-job, and the other guy couldn't even get any kind of hard-on. We never had the conversation if one of the guys can't get it up... I was already dressed, and ready to go as it seemed like this was going nowhere, but my other-half is just getting ready to enter her, than looks over at me and asks if he can still fuck her. I was Pissed, he say's we never set that rule... BUT doesn't we both play together or not at all mean the same thing?? Or am I just being Pissy because this is the second guy that has done this... I Don't want to stop playing, BUT I don't want to sit there watching while he gets to play... So since we started embarking on this journey he has had 2 I have 0...

I'm sorry you've had some disappointing experiences.

My first thought is that you and your guy need to talk about this. Obviously, you don't want a repeat of your unhappiness with him on that second occasion. Personally, I tend to agree with you... I think he should have recognized that you were unhappy with the second situation and stopped. That said, rehashing a bad experience is not a good way to move forward. Instead, I would encourage you to talk about how you would like things to go in the future - without resorting to anger, blame or recriminations (I know... that's hard, maybe impossible, to do but in the end it really is the best way).

Secondly... yeah, it's not uncommon for guys in the lifestyle to have issues with getting or keeping erections. Whether it's nerves, or age or simply the effects of a prevailing culture that says getting a boner "in public" is bad, guys have erection issues. However, there are a lot of guys who can and do overcome those issues. Unfortunately, you've just had some bad luck in your first two attempts.

So, my advice is talk it our with your guy and, once you've got some new guidelines in place, see if your luck improves.

Just so I am clear you got up got dressed while your husband and the other lady were still going at it, and neither of them paused long enough to check in to where you guys were? Nor did you check in with your husband that you are not having a good time. Just got up pissed that your partner couldn't perform and got dressed?

We check in with each other when we play. One of the reasons we like same room sex. That way both of us know what's going on and if something weird happens with one, the other generally wraps up.

Yeah guys being unable to perform is relatively common. It's relaxation of a muscle that causes a hard on, not the opposite way. So if anything interferes with that process (i.e. can't relax) nothing will happen.

I would suggest checking in with each other during play especially the first time with a couple. I mean just cause he can't get hard doesn't mean the four of you can't have fun.

We once played with a couple somewhat older than us. The woman told me every man over 50 has erection problems. You have to be patient, have oral sex and just play. If the guy is relaxed, it will happen.

That happens, its just a shame it happened your first two times and left a bad taste in your mouth so to speak. It does get better and sometimes its so good you're talking about it for weeks.

Also try to remember its easier for us to stop than it is for them especially when they've got a raging hard-on and a naked stranger in front of them......

Sorry that your first two experiences have been so disappointing, and I would be frustrated too, in your situation! I agree with the good advice you've gotten about talking things over with your hubby, and arranging for him to check in and be more sensitive to your situation.

By any chance, were these couples you met up with also new in the lifestyle? If so, you might do well to meet an experienced couple, where hopefully the guy will not be so nervous, and will be comfortable performing. If you're looking on one of the sites where people can leave "reviews" of couples (like Certifications on SLS, or Validations on Kasidie), you might look for a couple where the guy has some good certs!

I hope you don't give up! Swinging can be a big ol' boatload of fun!

At our first 3 4-somes, I was 0/3 and he was about 16/3. A combo of nerves and other things going on for those other guys (one was on an anti-depressant which made erections almost impossible-would have been nice to know that going in, but then, we didn't ask). Although my husband also had some trouble getting it up when everyone was watching (3 pairs of eyes were 2 pairs too many)

So lots of oral play for me, and we both kept checking in with each other to see how we were doing. Fortunately my partner fucked me silly once they left each time, and the next day.

Have a chat with your partner, and work out what you want to do. We started off with the rule that 'it's only fun if everyone is playing' but you would need to define what you consider 'playing' and what you are going to do when you can't play.

Thank You for all the GREAT Advice!!! I am Not giving up, NJBM we went for a Younger Couple ( Hubby is Hitting 50) and Has NO Problem Getting the Flag up the Pole, And Keeping it up the Pole... This Couple was in their 30's, But Hubby did say that he never had an Orgasm with either of them.. ( I don't know if he is trying to make things better) Once we get Home we Decide together if we want to Play again with That Couple.. 2nd Couple i said i would again because they are awesome People, BUT Not until they have gotten at least a few swaps under his Belt... I Think i may have to carry a Pocket full of blue pills.. lol .. I will Keep you Updated!!!

I would say don't take it so personally if your partner doesn't get hard. Maybe he has a great tongue. Maybe your husband can bang both of you...I mean it's one of my favorite things to do, bang my wife after banging my other partner.

Don't look at the whole experience in suh a binary fashion. We actually thing it's a little boring to just kinda partner up on separate sides of the bed. It's a lot more fun when everybody's involved.

OP, I get the impression you haven't quite bought into the lifestyle yet, as much as you want to. You received good advice to enjoy only each other but in the same room with others for a few times until you get more comfortable. And they're right, a guy can tell when you're not ready for him and that does causes us to not get or maintain an erection. Take it slower until you are ready -- and if you never are ready, that's ok too. Don't push faster than your emotions, else there will be bigger problems down the road.

Apologize in advance for the off topic comment - but I found this to be confounding.

 

Also try to remember its easier for us to stop than it is for them especially when they've got a raging hard-on and a naked stranger in front of them......

No disrespect intended, but this sort of mindset harkens back to high school days and boys getting blue balls for going too far and not getting laid.

This attitude seems to give men a pass when they misbehave, get caught up in the moment or hurt our feelings.

I call bullshit. It's no more or less difficult for a man or a woman to turn off primal desire when the situation calls for a time out in play. Our partners should be the most important in all situation. If not, then selfishness dictates a break from the lifestyle until focus on ones partner is regained.

We’ve never been very big on rules in this, which said we’ve always been big on common sense. It’s only common sense to realize that if the wife isn’t happy, as a husband you’re not going to be happy for long either. There was nothing ever said between us on the subject, but whenever we play it never moves into the naked in bed time until her and whoever she’s with are going in that direction. With us, she is always the first one to start playing. That’s not to say I’m going to just sit and watch until she an whomever she’s with are involved in intercourse, it is to say that her and whomever she’s with are on their way in that direction. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, I’m just saying that is what has worked for us so well over the years.

This lifestyle isn’t for everyone; it might be safe to say that it’s not for most. To succeed in this you have to be able to take an active and enthusiastic role to be successful. I think a point that is often forgotten, is that even in the lifestyle great sex begins with great seduction. It’s true that in this lifestyle we meet new people with the goal of finding new people to have sex. I think that the seduction process should begin at the point when it becomes apparent that the people you met are potential sexual partners. If the process continues to a private location where you plan to have sex, the seduction process should escalate. Once in a private location is also the point you should be engaging in a little foreplay, it doesn’t necessarily need to be like two teenagers in the backseat of a car, maybe just a touch, a smile, something to convey your interest. I can tell you from personal experience that just a woman running her fingers down my arm while giving me that smile at those times gets me in gear.

There are ways of men knowing how things are going just as there are ways of women knowing how things are going. You should know, or at least have a very good idea of how a man is reacting to you far before you get into the bedroom. Which means if a man is not reacting to you in a manor you feel will lead where you want it to would be the time to find out why. Is it you, is it him, who knows until you ask. Maybe he just needs more stimulation, maybe he’s unable to perform, whatever it is if you don’t know what’s going on before the bedroom it’s going to cause a problem. Don’t be afraid to ask the question, you may not like the answer, but it will put to an end an awkward position. Also, remember if you’re with a man that won’t put in the effort to get stimulated by stimulating you, you are with a man that doesn’t deserve you.

Just some thoughts I had after reading your post.

I would be pissed, but not at my partner. So the guy you're with can't get an erection and therefore he's like "oh well"?? My reaction is, hey no problem, do it with your hands or your mouth.

Thank You for your great Advice, we Stepped away until after the holidays, but we are meeting a couple tonight.. I will let you know if i FINALLY Get to break my Swinging Cherry...

Wishing you the best of luck

Yes, good luck and let us know how it went.

why wouldn't the guy just take viagra???

OMG We were supposed to meet up with a couple we had been talking to for awhile the morning of they Cancelled.. Hubby being the guy that he is already had another couple planned ( Because this wasn't the first time they cancelled on us) Needless to say we drove to their home.. This couple has had alot of experience in the lifestyle. I Must say i was so glad.. This couple were amazing.. And OMG Now i am Addicted but hubby says we can only do it once a month.. But My Swinging Cherry has been Broken!!!!!

So glad you guys had a good time ! And had the sense to realise your bad start wasn't down to you but your play partners, well done you for sticking with it.

OK, and now for the details...

I once had this happen when meeting a couple and it kind of ruined things.

I was there banging this mans girlfriend all over and he was laid there with my girlfriend so nervous he couldn't even get hard at all.

I think he was simply nervous to be with a new women.

I felt a little guilty bouncing his girlfriend up and down on my dick, but it felt good lol