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Silverman2112

When should I just drop it

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We are 5 years into a relationship after long term marriages. Recently she told me of some escapades she had in her marriage, she had offered to bring a woman or a man home to her husband. He didn't go along with it but she had a few flings with another woman that he didn't know about.

 

Now fast forward 20 years and I'm with her.

 

Now I've lived a pretty boring life and hearing this gets me thinking.

 

So I present her with the idea of just dabbling slowly in swinging.

 

She is not interested, says seeing me with another woman is too much and is unhappy that I would want to give her to another man.

 

She did leave the door open a crack for another woman and her to have sex with me watching but I can't touch her.

 

But we are both getting older and she says that situation will likely never happen due to our age.

 

Should I just drop it?

 

I'm 51, and not getting any younger.

I have been with 5 women in my life.

 

3 in high school

My wife for 28 years

Now a gf of 5 years

 

 

When is no really no?

 

What is it about me that makes her not want to share me?

 

Is it my good guy persona?

 

If she was into it 20 years ago why not now?

 

I feel a little slighted and it irritates me that she would do it for husband one but not me.

 

When do I get to live for me?

 

We have a good life together and I probably won't mess it up for this but it does make me think about cheating on her.

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To answer your main question... When should you just drop it? Now. You should drop it now.

 

She is not interested, and does not sound like she's going to be interested. And it sounds to me like the one aspect of this idea that she might be OK with, namely her playing with a woman but with you having no contact, is unacceptable to you. So there is no agreement between the two of you on engaging in any kind of swinging activity. And since she has been unhappy with some of the ideas you've proposed, it seems like even discussing it further may just cause problems between you two.

 

It is not a particularly important point, given where she is at in her thinking, but I will mention that 51 is by no means too old to enter the lifestyle. The Mrs. and I started when we were older than that, and found many people in our age group.

 

But, as I said, this is not really relevant for your case. It sounds like she simply does not have a mindset that is compatible with swinging. If you've spent much time poking around here on SwingersBoard, you've heard about lots of people who are into swinging. But it's important to realize that we represent a pretty small minority of the population. Most people are monogamous.

 

I understand your frustration, and it's a shame that your gf does not happen to be a person who is interested in swinging. Unfortunately, it sounds like your only options at this point for sexual adventures with others would involve cheating, or breaking up with your gf.

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Drop it NOW. That you even said that you would think about cheating on her...BAD BAD BAD THING! It sounds like she was willing to do this in an attempt to save her previous relationship and that she WAS curious at one point, but now is not that point. Going forward at this time WILL lead to disaster.

 

If you look around, swinging is about love, trust and communication. You MUST have an abundance of all three to be successful. It sounds like even though you have been together for 5 years, you still have work to do on all three. Swinging can take a great relationship over the top, but it WILL wreck a weak one. Are you willing to take that chance with how things are now? Knowing that she has already told you that it probably would wreck things if you continue right now? Work on improving your relationship: love trust and communication. Then, maybe you can revisit this in the future, but right now, take no as her answer and move on or you may find that she is moving on without you.

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Well a month ago swinging wasn't something I had ever thought much about.

It got brought up in conversation, I did my research, asked questions, and got my answer.

 

If two experts and my gf all say no I guess it's no.

 

I just hate giving up.

 

I'll admit I'm jealous of those of you that can make it work.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I knew the answer I would get before I asked the question.

 

Good day to you all.

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We are of the mindset that cheating has no place in the lifestyle. We believe it goes against everything the lifestyle is about. Trust, respect and open communication. If that is the mindset you are in now then I would personally be working on my relationship I am already in and deciding if it was what I really wanted or if it was time to move on. At the moment swinging is not looking like it will be part of your life and if you are planning on going out on your own you will probably find a lot of people like us that would have nothing to do with you based on the deceit.

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You guys are an honest group.

I'm not a cheater either, I never cheated on my wife of 24 years and won't cheat on my gf now either.

 

However just for the sake of discussion.

Sometimes people have different opinions on this.

But it seems that this is something that you can't compromise on, you either both agree or you don't move forward.

 

So there is a winner and a loser.

No middle ground.

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This really comes down to a decision on which is more important to you? I'm not pre-judging that answer either, it could be this is more important to you than she is, and that is certainly your choice alone to make. It sounds like you have felt constrained in life, and the older you get, the tighter those constraints start to feel. If so, you owe it to both of you to have an honest talk about those feelings. It may result in a breaking up, but I don't think breaking up for that reason is any less valid than any other reasons for feeling constrained and breaking up because of it, i.e. one wants to move for a new job opportunity but the other doesn't...and all the other myriad of reasons that can cause a relationship to fall apart.

 

There are a lot of different ways to swing too. Some couples do just fine where one has a hall pass to play alone while the other has no interest at all in sex with other partners. Yes, that scenario is less common, and yes, it can be tricky to make work long term, but there are those who have done it just fine. I mention that to point out that there doesn't necessarily have to be a winner-loser outlook on this. If she says absolutely not to that along with any other possible scenario, then you are back to question one, stay or go, which is more important? I don't mean that to be a flip remark, but to be honest about where you are at right now in life, a decision needs to be made. The worst approach is to make a decision that really isn't a decision at all and then letting that resentment fester. That will eventually end the relationship just as surely as anything else.

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:iagree: with that.

 

You are clearly pretty disappointed about this, and those of us who happen to be in relationships where non-monogamy works feel pretty lucky to have the partners we have. But the fact remains that we are a small proportion of the population, and the vast majority of the world feels the same way as your gf does. I feel especially bad for you and your gf in hearing that you are looking at this in terms of winning and losing. She is honestly and openly communicating to you how she feels, and that is a win for both of you. Also, she is recommending a path forward for the two of you that holds the most promise for keeping you two together- which also sounds like a mutual win!

 

It is possible to enjoy some sexual adventure while staying monogamous, though. Do you think you and your gf would be open to other ways of broadening of your sexual horizons together, that don't involve having sex with others? Perhaps you could visit a clothing-optional resort that encourages sexual freedom, like the two Desire resorts near Cancun. Of you two could experiment with different kinds of sexual activity, like role-play or some level of BDSM.

 

Have you showed her this site, your post, and the replies you've gotten?

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I have not shown her yet, And I don't want to lose her so I'll back away from the idea unless she brings it up. It's not that important ,

 

I like your ideas and I'll move in that direction.

 

It seems the older I get it's more difficult to find interests that actually are exciting. But as you lucky ones know , this is exciting so it's hard to just drop it

 

And you're right , I lived a constrained life to say the least. Work, church, raised kids, more work. So much work that my wife left me.

 

And then to top it off I got laid off, had to sell my house and old corvette. :(

 

So as I'm now looking at being 52 soon and my thoughts of religion are not what they once were, and all my hard work didn't accomplish much.

 

I realized rules I followed faithfully were just some other mans rules and now I want to live, I want to explore life , even if it's not for me I want to see for myself.

 

I'm a quiet thinker type, I only open up here, for the first time ever, because I can remain unknown.

 

I lack confidence and the odds of me picking up a couple to bring home are slim anyway.

 

I'll start slow.

 

Maybe get the playboy channel instead...

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You asked, "When do I get to live for me?"

 

You can live for yourself anytime you want. There is simply a price to be paid. Do you want your girlfriend, with her concerns and worldview, or do you want to have many other women sexually? It's your choice.

 

Unfortunately, you can't have everything. But you already knew that, didn't you?

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There's always a chance, but as I pointed out:

 

Work on improving your relationship: love trust and communication. Then, maybe you can revisit this in the future, but right now, take no as her answer and move on or you may find that she is moving on without you.

 

If she feels comfortable and confident in your relationship...you never know what can happen. The worst thing that can happen from working on the big three (love, trust, communication) is you end up with a much better, stronger relationship. But you have to start with that first. You must also realize that the prize includes the journey. Getting there is half the fun so work on improving your relationship and just see where that goes (may not go anywhere other than a better relationship but it may also take you where you want to be).

 

A house is just a house (or in George Carlin's classic bit: it's just a place to keep your stuff), but losing a Corvette...that's hard. Still, you have time and you can recover. At least you have a good woman...and being alone is much worse.

 

If you do get the Playboy channel, check out the show 'swing'...or should I say have her check out the show. Good luck and let us know how things go, no matter where they end up going.

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I am reading and really listening to all the advice, like most things the answers are sometimes hard to hear.

 

Nobody says just go do what you want and worry about the consequences later. Like part of me was hoping.

 

Swingers seem to be a well educated group and have thought things through.

 

I'm beginning to get it.

My plan is to put the swinging on the back burner for a while, I definitely don't want to give up my gf.

 

I'm just not sure the next step.

I don't want to lose her, she is my best friend.

 

I was scarred pretty badly when the wife left, I loved her more than I knew.

 

So my true feelings of love are pretty well protected, I'm not sure if I can love like I once did ever again.

 

I think if I'm understanding right, I need to get to the next level with the gf before any true trust can be between us.

 

Trust and a deeper love keep the fear and jealousy away that could come of swinging?

 

You that swing successfully, love and trust the partner so much that seeing them happy with another person makes you happy? And you know they love only you and sex is sex?

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In the case of the Mrs. and me, it happened that we both were OK in general with non-monogamy. I think a part of that for us is related to the fact that we've known each other for over 35 years (since high school) and were good friends before we were married. And we are comfortable enough, and secure enough, that we know that we're not going anywhere. We have that base level of love and trust, and we developed a more open and honest level of communication so that we could navigate the waters of the lifestyle safely. But I think also that we both both simply happened to have a mindset that was OK with the basic premise of swinging. Had one of us not had that mindset with regard to swinging, I think it would not have worked out for us, and all the love in the world would not have changed that.

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Trust and a deeper love keep the fear and jealousy away that could come of swinging?

 

You that swing successfully, love and trust the partner so much that seeing them happy with another person makes you happy? And you know they love only you and sex is sex?

 

Yes, that's an accurate representation at least for us. There are a lot of different facets to it, but you've hit upon some of the major ones. There's a term in the swinging/poly world for seeing someone you love happy making you happy, it's called compersion. I want my spouse to explore and enjoy her sexuality to the extent she wants to do that. Not everyone wants to explore anything beyond monogamy, and that's perfectly ok, but for those who do, then I don't want to be the limiting factor on that. She feels the same toward me. So, we enjoy seeing the other happy in that regard and take pleasure in seeing them use that gift that was given, the gift being the freedom that comes from not wanting to make someone "yours" all of the time. For us, it's not a totally wide open thing with no rules, there are boundaries but those we have arrived at together and both fully support without feeling like it they are something being imposed on us.

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I am reading and really listening to all the advice, like most things the answers are sometimes hard to hear.

 

Nobody says just go do what you want and worry about the consequences later. Like part of me was hoping.

 

Unfortunately, the truth is the thing we are never surprised by - we already know it to be true - and it's the one answer we didn't want because it usually is the one that takes the most work to swallow.

 

I'm just not sure the next step.

I don't want to lose her, she is my best friend... I think if I'm understanding right, I need to get to the next level with the gf before any true trust can be between us.

 

I think this is probably your next best step. And I wouldn't look at it as a stepping stone to get into swinging; this is a thing to work on for its own sake. In your previous posts, we get a sense of how frustrated you are, and of how you feel like your life is sort of getting away from you. This is what you want to share with your girlfriend. Bring this to her because she's your best friend, and you want to share this with her. These are the things that are important to you, and while you're not looking to her to just fix them for you, express to her what an important of your life she is, and let her know that when you see yourself finding ways to alleviate this boredom, frustration, and dissatisfaction, it is with her...not without her. Swinging was just one option.

 

Trust and a deeper love keep the fear and jealousy away that could come of swinging?

 

You that swing successfully, love and trust the partner so much that seeing them happy with another person makes you happy? And you know they love only you and sex is sex?

 

Trust and love can only help. They don't guarantee it, of course, but they are necessary to eradicate fear and jealousy. The other element is open, kind, honest communication. It's what you use to build that love and trust, and it pretty quickly knocks the legs out from under fear and jealousy as a result.

 

And yes, this happiness for one another is what makes swinging work for us. The getting-lots-of-sex part is great, of course, but honestly, the most fulfilling part of it all is knowing that you are able to give your spouse/partner the freedom to be his or herself. We tend to be pretty cuddly with our swinging partners; we can hold hands with them, kiss them affectionately, etc., because to us it's just an expression of warmth and friendship. I think we can feel free to do this (and it's not for everyone) because we just don't have any room left in our hearts to build another romantic relationship that looks anything like what we have with one another. I just don't have it in me to give to anyone. Therefore, we're not afraid to let ourselves explore freely with others. That risk of forming a rival relationship just doesn't exist for us.

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Sorry, I don't think we realized that you wanted us to tell you what you wanted to hear and not what was right :lol:

 

Don't forget communication as well. If you have love, trust and communication you already have an awesome relationship and can be ready to try different things (like this). But even once you do, you also don't have to or want to try swinging. It's just the sprinkles on the ice cream. Sprinkles by themselves are not very filling or tasty...but can add just a bit more to the ice cream when combined. Your woman should always come first, the sprinkles are just a bonus.

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You guys are better then going to a psychologist or sex therapist, I could keep asking questions but I don't want to hog up your forum so I'll read this and put it to work first. Sincerely thank you for your advice.

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You guys are better then going to a psychologist or sex therapist, I could keep asking questions but I don't want to hog up your forum so I'll read this and put it to work first. Sincerely thank you for your advice.

 

You're welcome here for as long as you want to be here...and we hope you'll stay! This site is for all, from those who are just curious about or have an interest in swinging to those who have made it their lifestyle. Everyone has something to offer to the discussions!

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KEEP asking questions...it's okay (just remember to pay the bill when you get it). :lol:

 

I learn as much from the questions as I do the answers. Your question made me think about something I had never considered.

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Hello,

I just joined this forum an hour ago but I'll leap right in although I'm sure theres a thread on this subject on here somewhere. Seems to be alot of free thinking people here but I am a little older (mid 50ies and by your marriage timeline you are as well) and still value the bond of marriage. She was open to the idea of bringing another partner to her husband. I know you have been together for many years and I am sure you love each other very much but in my limited experience it is all about feeling secure in the commitment that my wife and I have that affords us the trust to be ourselves sexually and explore with other people. I'm just sayin'....may not be the case for all.

J&C

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