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SA_NewtoLS

New to this and nervous about our first date

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Well, first I'd like to say that my wife and I have been together for nearly 10 years now, happily and have a child. However, from the time we started going out we have discussed being in an open relationship or swinging several times. It started one night when we were out with a group of my friends/sister. I was shooting pool with my friend and while she was hanging out with my sister another man approached her, was hitting on her and buying her drinks. This kind of turned me on. I said nothing, keeping an eye on things when my sister came and asked me what was going on. I brushed it off saying I trust her completely, I know she's coming home with me anyway, what's wrong with her getting a few free drinks?

 

We talked about it later and the subject continued to come up every few months throughout our relationship. Fast forward to now, we have a 5 year old daughter, our own home and life, both sex and otherwise is great. On Valentines Day this year we got a babysitter, went out to eat and went and picked up a porno to enjoy together. It was a group sex thing and we really enjoyed it. I was able to give her 4 orgasms that night while having a couple myself. It had to be one of the hottest nights we ever had together. We talked about it, laying in bed sweaty and satisfied and both decided we were ready to take the next step. Either head to a club or sign up on a site. Not being much for dancing or club scenes in general (me not her) we decided it might be better to start off with just another couple.

 

After signing up on a site we were browsing profiles, hotlisting a few to look at again later and possibly contact to exchange photos or whatever, we were not really sure how it all would work. Tuesday night one of the couples we had hotlisted, one of our favorites if not the best one, sent us a message with photos actually showing their faces. We are both extremely attracted to them and they asked us to return the favor. We told them, we are still very new to this, being our first time doing anything like this and they let us know they were still fairly new as well, only having had one encounter with another couple that they had known for quite some time. We told them we did not have any pictures at the time, but were planning on getting some up that night. We posted some to our profile and returned the favor sending head shots to them privately. Very turned on we called it a night there and had another great night.

 

The next night, we chatted with the couple some more and were really hitting it off, even though we had not yet met in person. We discussed what both couples were looking for and we are all into the same thing. We want group sex with full swap in the same room, though friends and getting to know each other first. We planned a dinner date for Saturday and now I feel like a kid in high school going on his first date again. It's all the things I read about; nervous, excited, anxious, excited, scared and excited, and wife says she feels the same. Can you tell we are very excited?

 

Last night we were chatting some more through a mobile app so we did not have to share numbers, he was at work, she was at home. They had posted a few new pics on their profile so I started off the chat complimenting those photos. They requested to see more of us as well and I assume this to be fairly normal. We happily obliged and the wife sends us a pic back with more of herself than she had shown before, very exciting, telling us how wet she is. We tell them how turned on we are and things escalate pretty quickly. It was like sexting, I guess; swapping more photos, showing more and more, all 4 of us being very turned on. The husband jokingly says, maybe we should just skip dinner tomorrow, grab a light snack and a few drinks and go back to their place.

 

This is where I am at now. We made the plunge on Tuesday and now only 3 days later we have what sounds like a play date planned for tomorrow night. This is all moving very quickly and I am very very nervous. We did discuss this and after chatting for a few hours with this couple we are comfortable with them and do not mind the speed it is moving. We are actually looking forward to it as it is something we have discussed many many times over the past decade. After the sexy chat and photo swapping that occurred last night, my wife and I retired to our room very turned on and ready to go at it like rabbits.

 

This is where the problem arises. I could not keep it up. I kept thinking about what's going to happen Saturday, not knowing how far it will go, how quickly it's all happening, nervous and scared but very excited about it. My wife was kinda drying up a bit as well as I was going at it then starting to lose my erection while in the middle of intercourse. This has never happened to me before. I did take care of her in other ways, and started to come back, but lost it again as we engaged in penetration again. Is this fairly normal? I am now worried that we will be with this other couple and I may not be able to perform for her. We discussed with ourselves (not with them yet, we will save that for drinks) possibly keeping this first encounter to a soft swap, hopefully the extra visual stimulation will keep me up or they will not notice.

 

I am open to any suggestions or advice.

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Welcome, SA_NewtoLS. First of all, abstaining from sex for awhile before play dates and abstaining from alcohol can help. Having too much to drink can definitely keep a man from getting an erection. Same for sex...it is exciting now but if you tire your body and penis before the meeting, it can have adverse effects.

 

It is also common for nerves and mind games to play a part in men not performing, especially when you are new. A patient and experienced couple will understand if this occurs and will do their best to put you two at ease if it happens. Sometimes another play date will do the trick. Sometimes having your wife stimulate you will help.

 

Just try not to have any expectations about the meeting and have fun with your wife.

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As already said, this is not unusual at all. With so many unknowns and insecurities, it can be hard (no pun intended) to stay hard. This is one of the reasons that we area always saying not to enter these things with any expectations other than to have a great time...it takes some of the pressure off. Take things slow and be sure that you are connecting with your partner so that nobody is moving any faster than they are comfortable with. Even still, there have been times when I have been seeing the hottest live porn ever and for whatever reason, my brain starts telling the remainder of my body that my eyes are obviously lying about what they are seeing. Understand that this has probably happened to almost everyone in the L/S so don't let it bother you. Most everyone understands and there is 'other ways' to satisfy a woman. Once you get past some of the insecurities, it will be easier (of course that doesn't help now). Most important is not to pressure yourself, take things easy, and enjoy yourself. If it persists as a problem, there is a pill that will help with this. Let us know how your dinner goes and good luck.

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Oh, I guess I left it out accidentally. During our very sexy chat and pic swapping last night, it was brought up by them that maybe we should skip dinner, just grab a snack and meet at a bar for a drink or -maybe- 2 just to meet in person in a public place before going back to their place. Last night was crazy, it very quickly escalated from let just do dinner then maybe plan a second meeting to let's have a play date. As I said though, we really clicked with this couple during chatting, both on vanilla stuff and looking for same things in the bedroom. We all kinda felt that we did not really need the dinner to get to know each other better first as we feel like we already do. So we are pretty much set up for play date tomorrow, not just dinner.

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Personally, I would keep it at drinks and just go from there. Pictures and chatting are one thing. In person is another. They could be just as wonderful in person but on the chance that things aren't, then there is an out for any of you.

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We well remember how you are feeling, and it is very exciting, anxious, and just about any other emotion you can name and then others you are not even sure what to call since you have never felt anything exactly like it before. There is another similarity in that while the details of how things have played out so far aren't exact to what we experienced, there are some common threads there. And that's where I'll join in with the others and caution you just a bit on letting things get ahead of themselves and everyone going into the night with high and set expectations. That sometimes doesn't work out well, and when you add in newness all the way around in, then no one for sure knows how to handle it and it work through it or leave yourselves (and them) a way to gracefully exit the situation without it feeling any more awkward than it has to.

 

Not trying to be a downer, and things very well may turn out perfectly great, just try to stay clear-headed about the whole thing as much as the excitement will allow.

 

On the performance anxiety issue, yeah, it happens, and yeah, it sucks, but...it happens. Nearly everyone has experienced that from one side or the other or both, and the best thing to try to do is not dwell on it, because once you let it get in your head, that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Easier said than done I know, but just try not to worry about anything other than having a fun night, and don't put limits on ahead of time of what "fun" has to mean that night.

 

Good luck and please let us know how it goes!

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So lat night was wonderful. I really tried to manage my expectations and spoke with the wife about it quite a bit. We both realized that yeah, even after all that talk, nothing might happen. She was also still not entirely sure how she would feel if/when something happened. She said the thoughts did excite her, but could not guarantee she would not freak out either. So expectations were lowered.

 

However, things went great. We met them at the bar, had a couple drinks and got some food from the food truck in the parking lot. Hours had actually passed before any of us realized it. He then told us, "Well, we are going to get out of here, here is our address, you can talk about it and come over if you'd like." It really did not take much talking, I looked at my wife and she had a huge grin on her face. I said, "So?" and she said, "Let's do it."

 

Got to their place and they were mixing up a couple more drinks that were pretty light on the alcohol, just so we could sit around and talk a bit more. After a while, he gets up and stands behind my wife and starts rubbing her shoulders, so I reached over and started rubbing his wife's leg. Things moved to the bedroom pretty quickly after that. The girls played a bit, it was his wife's first time having a woman go down on her and she squirted nearly hitting my wife in the eye! Was very hot. After that, he was going down on my wife and then she started going down on me. After a bit of this, his wife asked him if she could fuck me, he said yes if it was ok with my wife and she said yes too, so we ended up full swapping. Before any of us knew it, it was 3AM. We had all lost track of time in all of the multiple orgasms. It was a great night and we are planning on meeting up again sometime soon.

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It happens to all of us. Our first experience was an MFM, hubby was fine. MFM was my starting point, hubby was very interested in moving towards swaps and more-somes or orgy like activity. After some months and a few MFM experiences, all of which went well, we ventured into a couples club, feeling somewhat experienced, to try a same room swap. The first one went fine, but for the next two visits in successive months, there I was, getting fully fulfilled, glancing over at hubby who was having performance problems. With further experience, these, were overcome.

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So, as stated, Sat night went great. I am having another issue now though. The last thing my wife said to me before we went to bed that night was that she was really looking forward to us being together the next night after out daughter went to bed. Needless to say I was really looking forward to this. It's not as though sex is scheduled or anything, but it can sometimes be a while between. Having a 5 year old and us both being in the right not does not always happen. Well, when she finally woke up at noon the next day(she was pretty exhausted from the night before). She was complaining that her shoulder hurt. She was also kind of moody all day. A few times, while daughter was busy playing outside, we would talk a bit about the night before and she was not upset about anything that happened there, however a few minutes later she would get all upset over some little thing around the house or whatever again. This is not very unusual, she gets that way sometimes and I usually just give her some space and a little while later things are fine and we'll talk about whatever is bothering her. I am pretty sure it's just the fact that she is in pain bothering her, but I can;t shake the feeling it has something to do with the previous night.

 

When we have chances and out daughter is busy I keep trying to bring it up, to talk about it, to make sure she was comfortable with everything. She says she is and it's fine, she enjoyed it and wants to do it again. I ask her her favorite moments, try to tell her mine but she just says, "Can we stop talking about this, we are bringing it up too much." I dropped it for the rest of the day night until later after our daughter was in bed. All i said at that point was, "Last night you said you really wanted me tonight, I know your shoulder is hurting, do you still want to do anything?" She says no so we just snuggle on the couch for a bit before I fell asleep.

 

I have 2 problems now. The first one is her, I know she enjoyed things that night, I could tell. I could tell on the drive home and from the conversations before we fell asleep. But now I am not so sure. She does get this way about other things too, like a new video game that I'll be going on and on about, I fixate on a topic too much for her quite frequently. I am mostly sure it's just her normal moodiness enhanced by being injured slightly, but that thought is just in the back of my mind that maybe we crossed a line for her.

 

The second problem is her not wanting to really discuss it further. This is problematic not just because of our relationship, though that is the main thing, I am a wreck now. Normally, when something exiting happens in my life, a weekend trip to the coast, a trip out to go ziplining or something, watching a really great movie, anything that I had a lot of fun doing, I share with everyone. I am a talkative person and love to talk about things I have done with friend, family, customers, people I meet out in public, whoever. It's usually either a great way to meet people as they share similar experiences or deepen current relationships. I can't really tell anyone about this experience. I work with family and I know some of my friends really look down on this type of activity. Now, I can not even talk about it with my wife as she feels I am talking about it too much. I only am because it's all bottled up inside and I can't talk to anyone else about it.

 

I am hoping, having shared the experience here and gotten a few responses would satisfy my need to tell someone about this and it has helped some, but it's still weird having this fun experience and not being able to share it with people the same way I share other fun experiences. The fact that she is not really talking about things other than the night it happened is making it worse though.

 

I am pretty sure the right thing for our relationship at this point is simply to leave it be. I am not really going to bring it up again until she does, or the other couple contacts us again because they said they would be after their upcoming trip out of town. I need to give her space and let her talk to me about it when she is ready and plan on no further activity ever unless she brings it up. I am very certain we will get through this and our relationship will be fine, but the other part of the problem is driving me crazy.

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Quick update, I went home for lunch today and was able to talk to my wife a bit. She was in a much better mood today and confirmed my thoughts that nothing was wrong with what happened Sat night, just that she was in a bad mood and in pain and the pain amplified the bad mood. All is good on that front, thankfully. I am still going crazy at work and while on the phone with my friend earlier though. I've had one of the most exciting things in my life happen and I simply can not share it with anyone. If I went skydiving I'd be able to share it with anyone, but I had some group sex and I can't. Very frustrating.

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Glad to hear that everything is on the up and up with your wife. We have a blog section here where you can share your thoughts. There is also an Experiences section and a Stories section if you wish to place it in those areas instead. We went with the blog route when we first started. It helped a little bit to share our excitement.

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Well, things are not as great with the wife as I thought. We are ok as a couple, it's not jealousy and she certainly does not want to leave me or anything, but she apparently just did not enjoy the experience as much as she led me to believe originally. I have not really had a chance to make love to her since the whole thing happened. Sat night afterwards we both pretty much passed out as soon as we got home. In the morning, she was still out like a light and I could not wake her up before I had to go pick up our daughter from the baby-sitter. Sun night, she was still not really wanting to talk and her shoulder hurt so did not want to do anything. Last night, since she was in a better mood, I decided to try to get things going. Things were going good then all the sudden she asks, "Are you going to be able to keep it up?" in the kind of tone that meant she did not really expect me to be able to. I probably did not respond the best when I said, "Well, not if you are gonna talk to me like that. You obviously have some problem lately, that's what I have been trying to talk to you about, but you just say you don't want to talk about it at all and that I am talking about it too much." Then came the, "well you kept it up for her."

 

I had to explain to her that no, I really did not. When we first started, yeah, I was, but that was because my wife had been giving me oral or riding me first, then we would switch partners, he would start going down on Mrs. NewtoLS and I would start giving it to his wife. I kept expecting him to actually penetrate my wife as well, as that is one of the things we had discussed, that I really wanted to watch that happen. Meanwhile, I am there going half chub inside his wife and end up mainly watching my wife cumming multiple times from this guys tongue. After a bit we'd swap again, and of course back with my wife I am fully hard again. I give her some penetration since I know that's what she's really wanting and the other guys starts giving it to his wife. Thinking, ok he's ready now, we'll switch again. Well, nope, we switched again and all he did was go down on her some more, while I am entering his wife again, nearly immediately losing it again. I ended up, again, mostly watching her enjoy herself while not doing much myself. After a bit we go back to more foreplay type stuff switching back and forth a bit while waiting for me to come back again. Once again, my wife knowing me best is able to get me up again. Once again, he is entering his wife. I bring it up that he has not really done that with mine and that is one thing we were all expecting so we swap again and he finally does. Of course I was giving it to his again, this time, because I am getting to watch him give it to my wife, kinda, couldn't really see much the angle they were at, I am able to really give it to his well. Come to find out, he was softer than I had been apparently and my wife was not really satisfied at all.

 

So I guess what it comes down to is in the end, she kinda felt like she took one for the team. She thought I had a much better time than I did, mainly because I kept talking about it and saying I did. There was apparently a little miscommunication in that part as well. Yeah, I had a lot of fun, but it's not the same kind of fun as when we are alone. It's more like the kind of fun I have in a vanilla activity. Like riding a roller coaster but it lasts a lot longer. I guess that's an ok way of putting it. It was fun, but it was not the same kind of fun we have privately. That is a whole nother level that goes beyond the words fun or exciting. It's that special-ness of two people in love that nothing else in the world can match. So she went right back to, "Then how come Thur night and tonight you can't keep it up for me, but yuou could for her?" I try explaining once again that Thurs was nerves, tonight is because you are putting me on the spot and I did not really keep it up for her either.

 

It was getting late, she was getting upset, I was getting upset that she was upset so we decided to just drop it for the time being and go to sleep since I have work in the morning and we could talk about it later. This morning, after we drop our daughter off at school and she is bringing me to work, we do talk a little more and now she understands my side of things a little better. I am not always the best at communicating things to her and she often takes what I say to mean something else entirely. Case in point, when I say, "That was one of the most exciting things I've ever done." She took that as, "Best sex of my life, nothing else compares, not even you." So we had a pretty major breakdown in communication. We talk briefly this morning and are at a better understanding now. She says now that she is still kind of uncomfortable about the whole situation, but is more willing to talk about it. For now she is thinking that we should not do anything else, at least not for a while, and when she is more comfortable we can talk about it some more but for now, she'd rather just drop the whole subject and not talk about it at all for a couple weeks. While this does disappoint me, as I think part of the reason is simply that he did not really satisfy her and part of that is that this was their first full swap too so he was a little nervous as well. Most of what they had done in the past was hotwifeing or MFM. He had even said, "Maybe next time we will be more comfortable and can all enjoy it more." I am pretty sure that either next time with them, or another couple, she would be more satisfied. Perhaps we can try again at some point in the future, perhaps not, either way as long as we get through this and get back to enjoying making love I will be happy. I think we will, it just may take a little time.

 

Thanks for listening, this was mainly just so I could talk it out. Any advice or sympathy is greatly appreciated. Normally, I would talk to my Dad or my best friend about relationship issues, but this one I just can't, so having a place like the to let it out is great. Thank you all.

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This is why we are always saying: love, trust, and communication...all must be great and in excess. It really sounds like the two of you could work on your communication. Not a bad thing, but still a thing that you should both try and work more on. Your situation is not uncommon. I've said it before but there are times when my eyes are seeing the hottest, most erotic thing I have ever seen...my brain tells the rest of my body 'what you are seeing is impossible so it isn't happening' and then...well, nothing 'happens'. Sometimes it just happens. Also, I can understand the need to talk about it and the other person taking it as you being obsessed about it. Fine line that is hard to navigate. Just keep loving, trusting and talking and things will get better...

 

Thanks for opening up and telling us about your experience

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This is why we are always saying: love, trust, and communication...all must be great and in excess. It really sounds like the two of you could work on your communication. Not a bad thing, but still a thing that you should both try and work more on. Your situation is not uncommon. I've said it before but there are times when my eyes are seeing the hottest, most erotic thing I have ever seen...my brain tells the rest of my body 'what you are seeing is impossible so it isn't happening' and then...well, nothing 'happens'. Sometimes it just happens. Also, I can understand the need to talk about it and the other person taking it as you being obsessed about it. Fine line that is hard to navigate. Just keep loving, trusting and talking and things will get better...

 

Thanks for opening up and telling us about your experience

 

Yeah, I understood all that going in to this and I thought we had it. We communicate about everything else very well. Even up to the point where we were actually going through with it we were. It wasn't until the next day, after it happened, that the breakdown happened. She misconstrued things I said, I guess because of a little insecurity. She did say last night that the whole thing made her feel "gross and unattractive," since the other guy could not get it up for her and I had been having trouble a couple nights before. Then, as trying to go again last night, she made it a self-fulfilling prophecy by giving me a little bit of attitude and bringing it up as we were warming up. I explained this to her, and that it has nothing to do with her, she is still very attractive. It was nerves on all fronts, not her. I think she understands that now but needs a few days to process it all. This is the reason I kept trying to talk to her about it though. I wanted to bring these topics up so we could communicate about it, but she kind of shut down about the whole thing and was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear to shut me up because it was still uncomfortable for her. I should have been able to read this better as well. I should have known as this is how she reacts to things sometimes, so don;t take this as me placing it all on her. I do realize now I made a few mistakes as well. We had discussed going only soft swap first time her answer was always, "We'll just see what happens, what happens happens." I know her better than that. I know that means she wants me to take control of the situation and stop anything uncomfortable from happening. I let the lust get the best of me though and when the time came and she said sure, I went with it because hey, she said whatever happens happens right? In short we both made mistakes. I am sure we will get through this and go back to being a happy healthy couple. We may have to remain out of the lifestyle which is somewhat disappointing to me. It's not a big deal though, it was certainly something I enjoyed, but it's more like a really great video game or something. Sure, it's disappointing I will not be able to play it anymore, but it is certainly something I can live without and she is not.

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I don't know if this may help y'all, but my late wife and I made a pledge to each other that we would never become angry because a question was asked, that we would talk it out even if it took years to settle, and "I don't want to talk about it!" was not allowed.

 

Pain, on the other hand, can be a real distraction. Be patient, love each other, and talk, talk, talk!

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I think many couples think that their communication with each other is great...until it isn't. I actually think it's possibly damaging to think that communication with your spouse (and others) is great and doesn't need work because it lulls us into a false sense of security. You start to take it for granted or work less on being honest, yet tactful with those around us.

 

Thank you, SA_NewtoLS for coming back and letting us know that things weren't hunky dory. I think it helps not only you but many other members, especially new swingers to know that these sorts of situations do occur. The point of all of this is not to beat yourselves up about what happened but to use it as a learning lesson during your swinging journey. It isn't always going to be smooth sailing and each bump should be a time to learn, grow, and gain more connection with each other. I hope both of you look at what happened and reflect on what you two can work on. :)

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I think many couples think that their communication with each other is great...until it isn't. I actually think it's possibly damaging to think that communication with your spouse (and others) is great and doesn't need work because it lulls us into a false sense of security. You start to take it for granted or work less on being honest, yet tactful with those around us.

 

Thank you, SA_NewtoLS for coming back and letting us know that things weren't hunky dory. I think it helps not only you but many other members, especially new swingers to know that these sorts of situations do occur. The point of all of this is not to beat yourselves up about what happened but to use it as a learning lesson during your swinging journey. It isn't always going to be smooth sailing and each bump should be a time to learn, grow, and gain more connection with each other. I hope both of you look at what happened and reflect on what you two can work on. :)

 

I admit that I posted this purely selfishly, as a way to vent, discuss and help myself feel better. Did not even think that this could be helpful to others, it cheers me up a little to think that others could learn from our mistakes and possibly save themselves from a similar situation.

 

Also, thank you for telling me not to beat myself up. My last post really made me start to realize how much of this is also my fault and that is exactly what I was doing the whole time I was driving to and from a customer location. "This is all my fault. I have let her down." You are absolutely right, I need to just take it as a life lesson, learn from it and carry on. Beating myself up will only make things worse. I know this, I often give similar advice to others. It's hard to see when it's yourself though. I really needed to hear that, so thank you again.

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"This is all my fault. I have let her down."

 

From what I gathered from your writings, both you and your wife consented in trying out swinging. No one forced anyone to do something they didn't want to do. Will there always be mistakes to learn from? Yes, because no one is perfect and it can take multiple lessons of the same issue to finally learn from it. I hope you both gain a stronger relationship and improved communication from all of this. :)

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From what I gathered from your writings, both you and your wife consented in trying out swinging. No one forced anyone to do something they didn't want to do. Will there always be mistakes to learn from? Yes, because no one is perfect and it can take multiple lessons of the same issue to finally learn from it. I hope you both gain a stronger relationship and improved communication from all of this. :)

 

Yes, it was consensual, there is not really a way I could have made her go along with me(not that I would have wanted to), she is bigger than me, lol. I am just a skinny short guy and she is tall, full figured and curvy. No making her do anything she doesn't want.

 

Even knowing that though, that she did consent, I should have read her better. I should have put my desires to the side and evaluated what she really wanted better. Mainly, I should have stuck to my guns on the soft swap for first play date rule. I should not have let her saying, "Well, whatever happen happens" rule the night. I just really really wanted to watch her with another man, if I could be with his wife at the same time, even better. Been a fantasy for nearly as long as we have been together. I realize that now, and realize that we are both at fault. Now, I just have to try to talk to her about that and hopefully she can see the same thing.

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Being able to read your spouse is one thing but it is also the responsibility of every person to speak up for themselves when they aren't having a good time. I struggle with this myself but I know that I can't rely on Mr. Sun or anyone else to be able to read my mind. Gradually, I am becoming more "outspoken" and be my own champion. Men, women, everyone is their own best spokesperson.

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Please do not beat yourself up over this!

 

Couples can have all the confidence in the world, can communicate like experts, and still have a problem. You two could have gone into that first experience thinking that you both were going to be OK with having sex with someone else, but no one can really know for sure until you are right there in the situation. That is one of the fundamental risks of trying the swinging lifestyle, and it always requires a leap of faith, as well as giving each other permission to take the risk together.

 

Also, it is not uncommon for a first swap with a new couple to be a little awkward, tentative, and have an element of not quite hitting the bullseye. After all, you have never been naked together, so you don't know what you'll find under the clothing! You also don't have much in the way of specific knowledge about what works for your play partner- does he like oral, does she like fingers, does he want a lot of kissing, can she orgasm from intercourse? The first time can be exciting, fun, and a pleasurable discovery, but is also necessarily a learning experience. For us, it's that SECOND time that is the better sexual experience!

 

The final thing I wanted to mention is that, despite our best intentions to be great communicators, patient and understanding partners, and rational human beings, we cannot always live up to that ideal. Give each other permission to be irrational once in a while, and try to be patient and understanding on the occasions when your spouse is not. Your spouse will be more likely to return the favor when it's your turn to be irrational!

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Here's a suggestion: have a couple of phrases that sound 'normal' but means something else. In our case, if either of us mentioned that we 'forgot to feed the animals' it means that something is wrong and we need to end whatever is going on and leave (we have LOTS of animals). This way if either of us is having a problem with something that is happening, we can put a stop to things without hurting anyone's feelings. If one of us tells the other 'did I tell you that (our neighbor) was trying to get a hold of you?' means we need to take a break and discuss something. While we don't have very many rules (left...we had a bunch in the beginning but one by one they have been discussed and set aside), one is that if either one of us says stop, we STOP with no fear of retribution or questions (questions can come later but no retribution ever). Just a thought to prevent any problems from happening again.

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Just another update, things do seem fine. Once we got on the same page, she's admitted she really enjoyed the experience there are just some things she wish had happened differently, so we are more prepared next time something happens. In addition, the couple contacted us again wanting to meet up again on Sat and they said they would be busy for the 2 weeks after that. My wife, while interested in going to their place again felt that one week later is too soon, so we told them we felt it's a little soon to get together again, but to let us know when they are available again. We'll see how things go then or if we want to see if we can meet up with another couple in the mean time. Personally, I think that may be the best idea. It's not that we did not enjoy this couple, he just left something to be desired on my wifes end. I'll handle that better if we do go out with them again by taking better care of her.

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I quite liked reading this entire thread. It touches on issues that are common and feelings that need to be discussed. I also agree that this forum is a wonderful outlet for us to discuss things that we can't really talk about to our vanilla friends. I am grateful that I also received advice and perspective in another thread from many of the same members participating here.

 

I am not sure how common it is for LSr's to discuss the whole performance anxiety thing but in the network we are involved in, we are all open and discuss pretty much everything. We (men) have all had those moments (especially in the beginning) and many of the women do too (staying wet). Because this is not a taboo topic in our group it allows us to be more comfortable when it does happen and also makes all of us more understanding so no one leaves feeling judged. Of course, as men, we are masters at judging ourselves on this issue though.

 

For my wife and I, we have both been on the "short end of the stick". When we first started we both felt those same feelings your wife had, those jealousy feelings that the one of us was left unsatisfied or didn't have as good of an experience, you need to discuss them and perhaps have some cues to check in on each other during play. Once (if you both want to continue) you have a few more play sessions under your belt, these feeling dissipate and you begin to just enjoy the moment for your partner as much as for yourself. Not every time can be perfect. I must say that it is a lot more common on first meetings. Especially first meetings that were planned in advance. Sometimes long anticipation can be a killer.

 

Case in point, when we plan play dates a week or two in advance, it can take me awhile to get going. I build up an expectation in my head and need to calm myself. I am an over thinker and it is my biggest issue. Well, one night we went to a concert with some friends, they were vanilla friends for 20 years.....so we thought. Earlier this year we all found out about one another and kinda thought it would be too strange to play so we just didn't really think anything would happen. Well the concert was a fun night and they drove us home, they came in for a drink and well....we had an absolutely incredible night. It was natural, it was unexpected, unplanned and utterly fantastic, I don't think I have ever performed that well for anyone but my wife and the spare bed sheets were evidence to that! ;) It was an eye opener for me as I am always concerned about the IF. This proved to me that I just need to relax, I am capable. I just need to not over think (easier said than done lol).

 

Anyway, perhaps I slightly derailed the topic but you touched on something that got me thinking so there you go lol.

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