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  1. #1
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    Default How secure is your open marriage?

    My wife and I enjoy an open marriage. But I am not so proud as to believe that nothing can go wrong. What are the foundational elements that insulate a marriage from harm while it remains open?
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  2. #2

    Default Re: How secure is your open marriage?

    Well, I'm fairly new to the practice myself but I'll still chime in with the obvious: communication. Open, honest, truthful communication.

  3. #3

    Default Re: How secure is your open marriage?

    I will agree with the need for open communication.

    You never know for sure, but the risk of an open relationship is worth the thrill and fun for us. We're not completely open or poly, but we do have many freedoms and emotions beyond swinging.

    I'll add that prioritizing my husband is something I feel is really important. It can be easy to get distracted by other lovers. I think you have to keep on guard to keep your marriage first.

    I feel that we are fairly secure because we have a commitment to each other and our kids. You can never know for sure what your spouse is truly thinking and feeling. You can only know yourself. I know that my marriage and family is my top priority so I feel comfortable engaging with others.

    My husband is very upfront and open. He is also not interested in making attachments. I am ok with him falling for someone, as long as it's in the open. In 8 years of swinging and seeing many of the same people over and over, he's never met someone he's crazy about. (I have several times). It's possible it could happen, but I think we would embrace the situation and make it work.
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  4. #4

    Default Re: How secure is your open marriage?

    I agree with all, good communication is the first thing one must have.

    After that comes a strong foundation, and I think that holds true no matter what degree of open your relationship is, from same room soft swap on up to totally open. A strong foundation gets built block by block, and I think relationships are the same way. Everything you share, the good and the bad, are another block and another step through life you took together. Sometimes you might not have been totally in stride with each other for each of those steps, but you kept going and one way or another moved forward. That is why I think it is extremely difficult for new relationships to succeed in any type of open arrangement, there just hasn't been time for that foundation to have been built and have cured to maximum strength. I won't say it's impossible, because there's always the exceptions, I just think it is really really difficult, and when it doesn't work out like they hoped, I don't think you can always lay that at the feet of one or both people involved...it was just asking too much of the relationship itself at that point in time.
    Not all those who wander are lost

  5. #5

    Default Re: How secure is your open marriage?

    In the last four years my marriage has been seriously tested and almost rocked off course and it has been somewhat "open" for 12 years. Early on, when he first asked me to be open, it almost broke me apart. But I was honestly curious as to how it would be and after months of contemplating I agreed to try it. We talked A LOT in those months about why he wanted to bring others in, what our expectations were, what are rules would be etc. I still don't truly understand his desire and motivation but I have discovered my own. I find that I really enjoyed some of the experiences we had and felt especially close to him again when we had so much new and exciting things to talk about. I feel my relationship is "secure" because he tells bears his soul and so do I. I believe love is a choice as well as a feeling and I am secure in his choice and his commitment to love me till death do us part and I also believe that the heart is larger than we think and is capable of loving many at the same time at the same intensity. I feel this way because after finding a male play partner, I fell in love with him, but was still head over heals for my husband. If anything, I loved him even deeper, while falling for this new guy.

  6. #6

    Default Re: How secure is your open marriage?

    Lionheart is succinct and spot on; communication. When you think you're done communicating, communicate more. Keep communicating. Also, the very fact you are asking this question is great! It means you are conscious of the possibility of problems, and are proactively looking to nip them in the bud before they become a problem. This is very, very good! I would add; make sure you do things as a team. Even if you are playing separately, keep doing it as a team; make sure the other spouse always knows what is going to happen, and talk about what happened afterwards. My wife and I really enjoy that. It's like re-living the escapades.

    SASS has some great points too; She notes that she doesn't truly understand her husband's desire. Well, as a husband I can say this; *I* don't understand my desire to see my wife having sex with other men Seriously. I don't. I know even the thought of it turns me on, but I can't explain why. I enjoy her being able to play with other men, with or without me. I've come to accept I might not ever fully understand why, just that I do.

    I also 100% agree about loving many at the same time. I think it bizarrely illogical that we can love two parents, four grandparents, many kids, but when it comes to romantic love, suddenly we're incapable of loving more than one? That just doesn't make sense to me. I'm deeply in love with my wife. I'm also in love with a girlfriend from long ago, with whom I am still very close friends (but nothing sexual happening). My wife knows this, my old girlfriend knows this, everyone's fine with it. My old girlfriend loves me too, and so does my wife. My wife has had sex with her primary partner (other than me) probably more than a hundred times. They are in love. Not to the same depth as she and I are, but they are in love. I don't feel our love is somehow replaced by her love for him, nor replaced by my love for my old girlfriend.

  7. #7

    Default Re: How secure is your open marriage?

    A simple answer would be love. Your love and bond with each other.

    My wife fell in love with the first man I talked her into having sex with. It was something I hadn't expected and the more she had sex with him, knowing her feelings toward him, the more insecure I felt.

    He fell in love with her also and wanted to possess her for himself. In the end she chose me and our marriage over him. Her love for me was stronger than her love for him.

    I am now confident and no longer feel insecure when she has sex with other men.

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