Jump to content
purple4215

Rules and/or issues to swinging separately?

Recommended Posts

MarniJohn-

 

The Mrs. and I have had something of an evolution in our boundaries and habits of play. We started wanting to swap only in the same room with other couples. Then we felt comfortable swapping in separate rooms. When we started going to parties, we became comfortable with each of us playing with people at the party, but not necessarily in a strict swapping scenario. More recently, We have been giving each other hall passes to play separately, meaning separate "play dates" (between the two of us, I have been using hall passes the most). We have been calling what we are doing "swinging" the whole way through, as it seemed like all of our activities have followed the common theme of being known and approved by all parties (and spouse of parties) involved, and being sex with friends without romantic feelings involved. Given that the nature of the relationship with our play partners is no different depending on whether they are a single or a couple, nor depending on whether both of us or just one of us is playing, we think that it is simpler to just apply the same term across this whole range of activities.

 

 

 

CoupleInMD79.... It is like we are on parallel tracks! We'd still love to meet another FWB couple where we all click and can all play together same and separate room. (We have one right now) we've meet many nice couples but having a hard time getting a four way connection sexually. We are considering letting each other play alone a bit. Still in discussion phases. He met someone awhile ago and she played separately and I recently met someone and we are considering allowing this.

 

 

What rules does anyone on forum have for this type of scenario. What issues have arisen? What are things to discuss. We are trying to think about it from all angles but would love any input.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

Finding another couple where there is a 4 way connection is not easy...in fact it is very hard, but when you do find it, it is awesome! For us, we would just rather invest the time and effort until we can find other couples that click. We enjoy watching our partner enjoy themselves and if one of us isn't there then watching can be difficult. As a result, we can't really help you with rules to proceed other than encouragement to keep looking for that 'right' couple.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I agree we have and are putting in the effort to find another couple or 2. But this was an unusual circumstance and we were wondering if anyone had any simiar situations?

Share this post


Link to post

It is difficult to find a four way match. But I think swinging separately is playing with dynamite. It makes it easier for romantic feelings to sneak in, IMHO. But different strokes...we now will play in separate rooms, did not do so previously.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
. . . What rules does anyone on forum have for this type of scenario. What issues have arisen? What are things to discuss. We are trying to think about it from all angles but would love any input.
We have had no more than the usual difficulty in making four-way connections. So we do not have this reason for playing separately. And we felt no need to make rules. We both feel very confident that neither will act foolishly or run away. I believe you need to have this confidence before you can decide to have separate p;lay partners.

 

Do you guys go to house parties? House parties are a good way to "practice" separate play without the need to be separated for too terribly long or too terribly large a distance.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

We play separately. I think it is something you should only consider once you are completely comfortable with swinging in general. Generally we will play this way at houseparties that way both of us can find a partner we like without worrying about a four way match.

 

Sometimes if one of us is traveling or home alone we will play with people we know and have played with before. We let each other know in advance and tell each other about it after. I don't play alone with guys, only couples or a girlfriend and a guy.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

The only swinging I will allow as far as MY rules are WITH ME there, I participate if I want to. Can't say no to me if you're fucking someone else. I won't allow my woman to swing without me. That's cheating in my book. There should be absolutely no reason to do it without me, nor should she want to. Then there is something more there. Not digging that. There has to be some sort of feeling of "US", Her & I, against the world. I want my woman to be "mine" to some degree. I want some loyalty from her in some way or she's not even my girlfriend. Then she's just some chick fucking me and everybody else. Nope. I have say here or there is no relationship period. Considering I'm happy with swinging and being cool with my woman fucking other men, no reason not to swing without me.

Share this post


Link to post
The only swinging I will allow as far as MY rules are WITH ME there, I participate if I want to. Can't say no to me if you're fucking someone else. I won't allow my woman to swing without me. That's cheating in my book. There should be absolutely no reason to do it without me, nor should she want to. Then there is something more there. Not digging that. There has to be some sort of feeling of "US", Her & I, against the world. I want my woman to be "mine" to some degree. I want some loyalty from her in some way or she's not even my girlfriend. Then she's just some chick fucking me and everybody else. Nope. I have say here or there is no relationship period. Considering I'm happy with swinging and being cool with my woman fucking other men, no reason not to swing without me.

 

Everyone is different,but this would not work for me. We make OUR rules and my body is mine. For us there are times when swinging separate is practical or exciting. There are also times when we determine it's better not to. We are married with a family and a commitment to each other.That is enough. There is no ownership. Neither of us is in charge or the sole voice.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post

Susan here: I can completely separate love and sex. We don't play separately often, but once in a rare while, yes. Admittedly it's mostly me. But, separate play, as one person mentioned can be playing with dynamite. In our case, we have no boundaries or rules. We have our own sense of reason as a guide. We have always viewed a stockpile of rules as a trap to looking for trouble. Simply stated, if I thought I was doing something Edison would be troubled by, I never have done it. That being said, I've never been troubled :)

Share this post


Link to post

Of course, everybody has their own rules, limits, comfort levels, issues, concerns, etc. To those who say that playing separately is necessarily playing with dynamite, I accept that this may be true for your relationship, or for some relationships. I think it happens not to be true for the Mrs. and me, and I think that is the case for some other couples, too. If the particular people involved-- the people doing the playing, AND their respective significant others-- are truly good with playing separately, and communicate frequently to make sure that no issues are creeping into the relationship, then separate play can work well and still be "relationship-safe"!

 

In the case of the Mrs. and me, I think her appetite for play is not quite as high as mine is these days. We have talked this over carefully, and agreed that we wanted to find a way of letting me to continue enjoying the lifestyle as often as I prefer, while reducing the pressure on her to agree to more lifestyle get-togethers than she really wants to attend. So she lets me have separate play dates ("hall passes"), with single women or couples, in between the times that we attend lifestyle events or meet people separately.

 

In return for this, he also gets to play as much as she wants at house parties and hotel takeover events (where physiology often precludes a guy from as many rounds of play as the women can have). And BTW, I'm OK if she wants a separate play date from time to time, too (she used a hall pass while we were on the swinger cruise last December).

 

So, I think playing separately is definitely something that requires extra care and great communication and trust, and may not be right even for some couple who have that in abundance. It can be like dynamite for some couples, but isn't necessarily a problem for everybody.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

It's important to discuss the idea of playing separately, alone without the other partner, but I don't know how any kind of rule would be enforced. Any kind of rule would be a matter of trust.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I don't know. I started playing separately with my partner and ended up in a different town in a different country now with size A transitioned tits to go along with my size 20 cock. When I was going with a few people in adult videochat this week I was enjoying thinking about having got through to new audiences that would include my old and new partners and thought we had both ended up with what we wanted really. Emotional involvement was what was ruining our relationship looking back on it I think because we were both just really sporty outgoing people.

Share this post


Link to post

I'm a single male with experience in swinging and polyamory. Did some swinging in my 20's, then was a poly secondary partner to a married woman for 6yrs +. I'm now moving back to the swinging side of things. Hopefully, hopefully, I'll have a spouse that wants to be non-monogamous in some way, in the coming years.

 

I'd like to play seperately and together. As I think of my past experiences, I wonder what "rules" could be set in place to stop the drift towards egalitarian polyamory?

 

Well, I came across a podcast called Why are People into That?... with some suggestions as to how to keep things casual. The guest on the show was Reid Mihalko. The host, Tina Horn.

 

Why Are People Into That?

 

The tips:

Don't wake up by their side.

 

Don't fuck them all weekend.

 

Don't hookup with the same person more than once a month, unless you're a black belt at open relationships. Twice a month if you're a black belt.

 

Last, group sex keeps things less intimate.

 

Looking at these 4 tips we can see that 2 of them are used by swingers as a generalization.

 

In poly, we called such rules "guidelines and expectations". That seems to encompass more.

 

I think the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd tips are very sage advice.

 

I do certainly think that guidelines and expectations can be a huge help in keeping the other lovers at the level of play partners or friends with benefits, and reduce the slide to deep romance.

 

Really, the people involved have to trully believe that the FWB type relationship(or even more casual) is the holy grail. That's what they'll likely stick to if that is their belief, I think.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

I really would like some input and positive comments. I ll try to make it short, we had our first mfm we met a gentleman then week later we met at hotel, I said to my self and my wife if this experience comes to a 70 % of our fantasy in reality we would be happy with that, so we played and reality was 100% better. So wife found another gentleman she was more attracted to him so we played 1 st time everything was good, had some issues I was not thinking right but we worked our issues with all three of us , since then we played 2 more times with same SM, issue came up as my wife mentioned to me that she thinks he's not getting in to her when we are together like it was 1 st time he's just little nervous around me to be completely comfortable with her, so I suggested that maybe you can spend some alone time with him since he's not 100% comfortable me being there, I figured I coused him not been totally comfortable around me like the first time, I will allow him to be comfortable without me been there.

So in your opinions is this the way you will handle this issue?? Although I tremendously enjoy and enjoyed watching her with him, it was hot to me both ways.

Share this post


Link to post

I wouldn't recommend having them spend 'quality' time together, especially when it's easier to just find another guy. If he isn't feeling comfortable with you there (and he knew going into this that you would always be there), then move along to the next guy (there are more than a few out there). What changed from the first meeting when things were fine to the second and third where now he's 'not getting into her'? Either he was looking for one and done and not a two and a three or something else is developing. No reason to leave your lamb unattended with a potential wolf.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Reason I went along with that was also my wife said since the first time I got little jealousy feelings. So wife said she is not comfortable doing things with him in front of me. She is afraid that it would cause issues again like 1st time. Now she thinks this way is better for her and the single male but going into this we discussed it many times that what turns us on which is me watching her let go and enjoy the sex and all comes with it, also joining in. But now strategy is changing and I don't know if I am comfortable with that yet. Hope this explains a bit more.

Btw, thanks for your response.

Share this post


Link to post

Bill Murray in Ghostbusters: “I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.”

 

Sigourney Weaver, embraces him even more passionately than before.

 

“Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...”

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

It's an old thread but I cant help it...

 

I think by the time you are this comfortable you are beyond enumerated , codified rules but rather are probably worthy of more of a general idea and a considerable amount of flexibility.

 

I went out a bit over a month ago. All my wife wanted to know was were I would be and so asked that I call her as soon as I know what hotel we would be. This just so she wouldn't worry and she could reach me if emergency situation cam e up and I didn't answer my cell for some reason.

Interestingly my plans were cut short and I returned home to find her in bed with a tiny little vibe, LOL I don't think she even looked up when she asked "back already?". I didn't think to ask was she just horny or was it about something in particular... but odds are, just horny.

 

We play separately less now that before, or at least seek that out less.... no particular reason to mention that other than it seems to be the case.

Share this post


Link to post
It's an old thread but I cant help it...

 

I think by the time you are this comfortable you are beyond enumerated , codified rules but rather are probably worthy of more of a general idea and a considerable amount of flexibility.

 

 

We are similar, in the sense that we know each other well enough that most decisions and impulses are like instinct. Our gut feelings are informed by having both talked through a great multitude of scenarios and also experiencing a decent variety, over the past years. We talk about interests and concerns regularly, and we both know that they could change frequently as well. All in all, it has worked very well for us.

 

Additionally, we started using a reference that we call The List, which touches base on practical expectations. This helps keep any guesswork out of the sorts of decisions that could come up during an encounter – simple or complicated. This is typically for date nights when off with another friend, but it is useful when we’re together with friends too. We cover things like how much communication is expected during the date, when you should be home, agreement on permission for specific activities, etc. The List usually has 6-8 items on it. Even though we have a strong sense of each other’s comforts, desires and concerns about our interactions with others, it is both helpful and a huge turn on when there is an actual list.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

We're nowhere near experienced enough with separate play to not have rules. Some of what we laid down "if it comes up" included that we don't need to discuss anything up to oral in advance, but do need to check in about intercourse; that everything that happens gets discussed after; that it will stay at least 100 miles from the house; that there are no sleepovers; and that we'll discuss any second dates or ongoing communication with the same person in advance.

 

So far we've each only tapped into it twice, and it went without issue.

Share this post


Link to post

We don't usually play separately, but fortunately we have had very good experiences when we have done it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

We will play is separate but nearby rooms. We’ve never played separately or with a hall pass, have no interest to do so. Just us, no judgment.

Share this post


Link to post
... we've meet many nice couples but having a hard time getting a four way connection sexually..
We have great four way connections with the couples who we play with, but more than half of the playing with our group is threesomes and alone play. The simple reason is it is easier to arrange and allows for more play. Tonight, as a matter of fact, I'm getting their kids and taking them and our daughter to dinner and our house so my wife can have a quick session with them.
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Similar Content

    • By Sudhit
      One of my friends was mentioning that his wife got invited for a vacation with one of their regular playmates. It would be a 4 day vacation, where only the wife goes with the BF, hubby stays back.
       
      Has anyone any experience of this scenario, they are swinger and cuckold couple.
    • By Husband1988
      Hello everyone,

      Me and my wife are new to the lifestyle and so far we've only met 3 couples. 
      We have a few rules/boundaries and one of them is that we only do a full swap and have sex if we both have sex. I suffer from ED which I've started getting treatment for which is helping, but before we even went into the lifestyle I felt my penis might not get hard so we added this rule to kind of take the pressure off if I couldn't perform. 

      So with experience 1 as expected I didn't get hard at all but enjoyed giving oral and watching my wife give and receive oral, experience 2 was same again. No problems so far and after both these experiences the sex with my wife has been incredible and my favourite part of all this.

      Couple no3 is where things for me at least went wrong. 

      So we met up for dinner at our place and we got on great and everything was going perfectly and the wine was flowing. First problem is I drank too much, I wasn't drunk but I was closer to drunk than sober. We started playing a game to break the ice and started with the kissing and oral, as before my penis isn't getting hard at all but I just focus on the other wife and use my mouth and hands. I'm not sure how much time had passed but this is where the second problem comes in my wife stops everyone and asks me if it is ok if she has sex. I wasn't thinking clearly due to the alcohol and said yes. She had sex (with condom)  with him and I watched it and when the guy finished we all stopped and that was it.

      The day after I felt incredibly conflicted and I explained all this to my wife and how I feel like she should of asked me in private if she could have sex and how we had a rule about only having sex if we both did. I know I shouldn't have drunk so much to keep my mind clear.

      I've told my wife I need to step back and take a break from everything and she is fine with it. I'm not angry with my wife or upset, we both made mistakes I just feel disappointed with myself more than anything.

      Has anyone else had experiences like this and how do you avoid things like this?? Any advice would be great.
    • By StartingOver60
      My wife and I went to a Lifestyle get-together last weekend.  When we got there, we mingled and as it turned out, my wife meet a couple.  She was sitting next to them having drinks, laughing, and having a good time.  I walked over she introduced me.  I sat next to his wife, and we were all enjoying the evening.   
       
      The other wife and I got up to get some drinks and we chatted at the bar.  "It looks like my wife has taking a liking to your husband," I said.  "Yes, they both are," she replied.  I asked, "Do you think you guys would like to come over to our house and we could continue the party there?"  She politely made it very clear she was not interested in having sex tonight.  I said, "OK, thanks for the heads up."
       
      As we sat there at the bar a friend come over to say hello.  She got up excused herself and returned to the table with her husband and my wife.  
       
      As the evening progressed my wife came over to me at the bar and told me she invited them to come home with us.  I was a bit confused but said sure.   We all left together, my wife in his car, and his wife in my car.  Our conversation during the drive was very nice and easy, and I thought she had changed her mind.  In the club, I could see my wife was very excited to be with her new friend.  
       
      We got to our house and sat around and had some drinks. All seemed to be good. However, when we decide to go upstairs, his wife restated she was not interested in playing tonight. My wife and I left them in the room to talk, and when we came back, he apologized and said sharing tonight is not going to happen.  I felt bad for my wife who was starry eyed at this guy.  He was telling her she looked like a women who was beautiful and fun, and he was very much looking forward to being with her tonight but maybe some other time. 
       
      My wife and I went in the kitchen to get some drinks for everyone, and I explained to her that the other wife had told me she was not interested in the bar.  "I thought she changed her mind, but I guess not," I explained. "I see you want this guy.  I don’t want you to be disappointed, I see and feel the attraction you two have.  When we go back into the room why don’t you ask him if he wants to see the view from our bedroom? That is our usual break the ice move to get things started.  I think this was his game plan all along to be with you even though she was not participating.  But I’m OK with it for your pleasure."
       
      I saw how hot she was for him. So I thought to myself don’t screw this up for her, she should get to enjoy the moment. 
       
      He jumped at the request, and they were off.  I sat with his wife and said, "Are you ok with them going upstairs because I don’t think they care about the view?".  She did not say anything but also did not object to what was going to happen. 
       
      As it goes, my wife had a great experience, so they were up there for an hour. I am sure they enjoyed each other.  When they came down my wife gave me a sweet kiss. We sat for a while then all politely said goodbye.
       
      The next weekend we went to a party at our friends' house. It was a vanilla evening but a number of friends were there.  We had played with the host couple once before, but tonight was not that type of party. 
       
      The next morning my wife realized she left her purse at Tim and Jean's house.  She asked me to go and pick it up.  I said I would on the way back from my bike ride.  On the way back I detoured and stopped at the house.  Jean answered the door and asked me in.  She asked if I would like a cup of coffee, I said sure.  I asked where Tim was, and she said he had left early this morning for an overnight ski trip with some of his buddies. 
       
      We were in the kitchen and Jean was filling the coffee cups. I was looking at her in her robe as she delivered the hot coffee.  We sipped the coffee and chatted but my thoughts while looking at this beautiful woman, came out of my mouth, “Are you wearing anything under that robe?”  She smiled and got up and brought her cup to the sink.  She walked back to the table where I was sitting and said, "You will have to find out for yourself."  I was stunned thinking she was kidding.  She said again,  "All it takes to find out is to pull the robe's belt and open the robe."
       
      She stood in front of me as I sat in the chair. I pulled the robe belt and opened slowly opened the robe.  She was naked and moved her chair in front of me and opened the robe and leaned forward and kissed me deep.  She moved my head down into her crotch and I got on my knees and went at it not believing what was happening.  She was enjoying the moment, she moaned she was coming and squeezed her legs around my head. 
       
      When she released my head from the grasp of her legs she took my hand and brought me into her bedroom.  She sat on the bed as I undressed. I rubbed her legs gently and picked them up high and spread them apart, she fell back, and I penetrated that wet beautiful tasting pussy. 
       
      I pounded her over and over and when I stopped I got on the bed.  I laid on my back and she put my hard cock in her mouth and started sucking me and would not stop until I came, and she told me how good I taste.  We laid there for a few minutes not speaking and I was ready again and I turned her on her side and lifted one leg over my shoulder and began pounding her again.  We went on for awhile and she had another orgasm and told me to cum inside her.  She got on top and pounded me and made me explode inside her. 
       
      We laid there together for a while, eyes closed resting, when her phone rang.  It was Tim, he made it to the mountains and just checking in.  I was feeling bad for what just happened, but it was a great experience.  She repeated out loud what Tim asked - "What are you doing?" Jean replied - "Well, Allan stopped over to pick up Susan’s purse she left over here last night.  I invited him in and we had a cup of coffee.  I was in my robe and one thing led to another and I had Allan’s face in my crotch. Then we took it to the bedroom, and we had a giant orgasmic experience.  I will tell you all about it when you get home.  Are you OK with this?  Good, I will tell Allan.  Have fun skiing.”
       
      So, in discussing this with Jane I said I was shocked at what she just told Tim.  She said, “We are always honest with each other.  It will be so hot when he returns home, I will be in for another great time.  So, I am also going to be honest with you.  You wife left the purse here on purpose.  She asked me if I would give you some great sex because you were a sweetheart last weekend.  You worked it out so she could be with the gentleman she picked up at the club and she felt that you missed out, so she came up with this idea.  But please understand, I was looking forward to it and it was a fantastic morning fuck with a good friend.  Tim was not aware of this, but I will work it out with him when I explain the story.  Susan said she the four of us can get together, or she will get with Tim alone if he prefers and you are OK with it.  You have a great caring wife Allan.  Please tell her thanks for including me in this scheme.”
    • By couplers
      From what is posted and discussed here, probably the second most frequent rule couples have in swinging is "no anal." Some do not give an explanation, other say it is special and saved for just between themselves. Why is that?
       
      Considering anal sex as something sacred seems contrary to what girls said and did growing up. For girls in my junior high and high school letting a guy put his dick in your bum and cum was considered "third base" stuff, like oral. The reasons some girls did anal was because they either didn't like oral at all or didn't like a guy cumming in their mouth, a few girls liked it because they were able to orgasm that way, and some because their bf just wanted it. It also had the advantage of being a means of contraception at an age when getting on birth control was not easy.
       
      To hubby and me anal is nothing special; in fact, I have never done it with him. I have done it with other guys because they asked, but the only time it gets me even close to orgasm is when the guy in my bum is also playing with my clit. The after effects are that Mr. Anal Man keeps the antibacterial soap companies secure in business, I need another fresh guy (that is my hubby) to give me vaginal sex so I can cum, and there is that frothy mix squishing out. (Yes, it was what happened last night that got me to thinking.) So to us it is the most detached and least special of sex acts.
       
      Your thoughts.
    • By Greg & Sheryl
      This particular thread Bareback Swingers made us curious about how common bareback sex is among those of us on the Board. The following is a poll we saw on a Yahoo! group earlier this year. We are looking forward to reading your feedback.
×
×
  • Create New...