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hasema

Used to play separately, husband wants to change it

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Hello. I am wanting some advice. My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for a few years now and have had some great times. I have to travel and spend anywhere from three to six months at a time in different locations for work and she used to travel with me. During this time we played as a couple about 99% of the time with her playing separately on a few occasions which I found hot.

 

Since then we have had a baby and she has settled in one area while I continue to travel. I need to point out that we normally only see each other about one weekend a month. We both played separately while apart and both enjoyed it. We never play without without the others knowledge.

 

Here recently I have been wanting to only play as a couple, we have not played as a couple since she became pregnant and that is something I miss doing with her. My wife is not happy about it and wants to continue the separate play.

 

Am I wrong to ask her to stop playing separately just because my feelings about it have changed?

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Few events have as great an effect on a marriage as the birth of a child. Many things have to change. I'd suggest that y'all sit down as long as necessary to hash this out. In the case of my late wife and me, it took years of communicating and changes of employment on both our parts. Never assume that it can wait because you have a lot of time to work it all out.

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I don't think you are wrong, but I would look to see if there are some other underlying issues that need worked on too. That kind of separation would be horribly hard, kudos for you two for managing it as well as you have.

 

What are her reasons for wanting to continue on the way you have been? I ask that because putting myself in her shoes I see a couple of possibilities. One would be if I only get to see you one weekend a month, then swinging isn't going to be at all what I want to be doing for those 48 hours I get to be with you, and I might be hurt if that seemed to be how you wanted to spend that very limited time.

 

The second would be if she thought you were "keeping score" and that she was getting more solo play opportunities that you and so you were taking that back away. Not saying you are doing that, just speculating on possibilities in her mind. I can see some possible resentment there too - she goes a long time without being with her husband sexually, she's got a baby to take care of and I'm sure any break from that is a welcome respite, and the way things were, she had those things every now and then - sex, and getting to feel like a woman and not just a 24/7 mom. I'll be honest, if I was her, that would be hard to give up.

 

You should never swing in a way that both aren't totally on board with, so if that means stop the separate play, then you should stop. But at the same time, I would focus on what is causing that change because if there is an underlying issue there, then the swinging is just how it is expressing itself, and take that away, and it will likely just express itself in a different manner until it is finally addressed at its core.

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I think the biggest reason I want to play only as a couple is because that is something we used to have together and don't any more. There for awhile I did a lot of playing but then was sent to a job in the middle of no where where I did no playing at all while she was fairly active. It was during this time that I started feeling jealous of her playing. Currently I am working a job where we can see each other every weekend, I have asked her about setting up dates, both MFMF and just a MFM with one of the guys that she's played with but we have not been able to for various reasons. No babysitter is the biggest reason, she doesn't like to ask her sister to watch him and doesn't trust anyone else. If I bring up that her sister watched the baby when she went out she replies that it was only for a few hours and that she was normally home by 10. I'm guess I'm just at the point where it bothers me that she wants to have the option to play solo but is not putting forth any effort (as I see it) to set it up where we can play together. We have talked and she agreed that we will not play separately but did so reluctantly. I asked her to give us a chance to play together some first and then we'll see if my feelings have changed.

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. . . We have talked and she agreed that we will not play separately but did so reluctantly. I asked her to give us a chance to play together some first and then we'll see if my feelings have changed.

 

I can only reflect on my own situation. My wife has many more opportunities than I. I do not keep a tally sheet or weigh our experiences in a balance. If she has an opportunity, I do not try to deny her that. I have plenty enough fun with the two-on-two meet-ups we do occasionally have and the occasional meet-ups I have with single women.

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I have asked her about setting up dates, both MFMF and just a MFM with one of the guys that she's played with but we have not been able to for various reasons. No babysitter is the biggest reason, she doesn't like to ask her sister to watch him and doesn't trust anyone else. If I bring up that her sister watched the baby when she went out she replies that it was only for a few hours and that she was normally home by 10.

 

My wife telling me she can get babysitting for her to swing alone but not to swing with me would bother me. I agree that you should find the root of why the separate play really bothers you, and that might solve the problem. Also, it may be your gut telling you it is time to slow down for a while. Listen to that instinct.

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:redflag: When you are able to do something alone and it's no problem but when you want to do it together there's a problem says there might just be a problem.

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I want to thank every one for their advice. My wife and I do have a good line of communication and I will share this with her. There was some good advice from both sides and some stuff we can use. In the end it is something that we have to work out but I feel confident that we will be able to do so.

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Am I wrong to ask her to stop playing separately just because my feelings about it have changed?

 

You get respect for being honest with her. There is nothing "wrong" with it.

 

She has gotten used to playing separately. She likes it and it will be hard for her to stop.

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There's two sides to a relationship, her opinions and concerns have as much sway as yours does.  I can tell you as a woman that has had kids and also enjoys fucking without an audience.  Having kids changes your body and it never goes back to the way it was originally.  We get stretch marks, our once tight ass is now bigger and softer, thighs thicken up, boobs that once sat high and perky now droop and are not as full as they used to feel.  In my twenties I was naked all the time, cause I was tight, hot, and sexually confident.  After kids not so much.  Sex takes a lot of getting out of our own head for us, and an audience doesn't help that.  I can tell you if my husband pushed for same room swapping again id just say no and quit having sex cause it wouldn't be fun anymore.

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Sometimes it is very difficult to get the genie back in the bottle. After playing separately, going back to couple only play may not be possible. 

 

You are married. Communication is the foundation to keeping it together. You two really need to sit and discuss the why/why nots of this. 

 

And my two cents...I'd quit any job that required that much travel when you have a baby at home. You two need to be there for the child, both of you. Being away 3-6 months at a time, unless you're in the military, should be avoided. Man, I'm going to get an earful on that comment.

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On 11/18/2020 at 10:59 AM, JessicaJamison said:

There's two sides to a relationship, her opinions and concerns have as much sway as yours does.  I can tell you as a woman that has had kids and also enjoys fucking without an audience.  Having kids changes your body and it never goes back to the way it was originally.  We get stretch marks, our once tight ass is now bigger and softer, thighs thicken up, boobs that once sat high and perky now droop and are not as full as they used to feel.  In my twenties I was naked all the time, cause I was tight, hot, and sexually confident.  After kids not so much.  Sex takes a lot of getting out of our own head for us, and an audience doesn't help that.  I can tell you if my husband pushed for same room swapping again id just say no and quit having sex cause it wouldn't be fun anymore.

Wow, that is pretty harsh

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On 11/18/2020 at 11:29 AM, discreetplay said:

Sometimes it is very difficult to get the genie back in the bottle. After playing separately, going back to couple only play may not be possible. 

 

You are married. Communication is the foundation to keeping it together. You two really need to sit and discuss the why/why nots of this. 

 

And my two cents...I'd quit any job that required that much travel when you have a baby at home. You two need to be there for the child, both of you. Being away 3-6 months at a time, unless you're in the military, should be avoided. Man, I'm going to get an earful on that comment.

Badgers wife,

 

I understand because I am a military wife. At times my husband spent 300 days away from home either while training or while being on tour in his area of operation. They say the hardest job in the military is being a military spouse. But when my husband was home, he was home. And that is what I loved about him. Nothing outside the home mattered when he was home. And I couldn’t beat him off with a stick when he was home. Seven kids to prove that lol. And I had to learn how to be alone at the early age because I married him when he was already in the special operations command.

 

I think the wife is being a little bit selfish. Her husband is allowing her to be shared with other men , but when the husband says I want to have this lifestyle with you and that plays separately, she gets an attitude about it. I understand her being comfortable having plates separate for a long time, but her getting upset with her husband wanted to play together with her  just seems a little bit selfish. It’s almost like she’s not understanding his side of the story but then again so many of you have said he should be understanding. This man is out there working, he’s not playing, he’s working to support a family. She should be lucky  that he isn’t more upset about her not being willing to be more considerate to his needs. I am sure that since he is away for so long he has a very good job which pays him very well. He might not be able to leave his job because  he wants to keep his wife in the lifestyle that she is living currently and supporting a child.

 

It’s just my two cents. Even though I really don’t understand that term lol English is my second language, and we don’t see that kind of thing in Russian  lol

 

Have a great day

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