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angelkin

Playing apart - how to approach it with the other couple?

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I find myself in a strange situation...typically, we don't play apart except at house parties and an occasional hall pass. We have met a couple through friends - we really like them and have flirted, some kissing, and other soft swap activities. So far so good - but here's the rub - my husband is not "feeling it" with the other Mrs. I think for him, there's not enough chemistry for a full swap. I think she's into him, but he responds best to overt and aggressive women that leave no room to doubt her interest and she's just not that type...a little reserved and friendly - but for him, hard to read.

 

I was surprised to get a hall pass to be with them if I choose to and if they are interested in playing that way. The other husband and I really click and there's this sexual tension between us whenever we are at the same get-together. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable because we value this budding friendship with them both and genuinely enjoy their company. I don't want to encourage her to be more friendly with my husband, he's pretty much made up his mind. I certainly don't want to make her feel that she is in any way undesirable, because she's not...she's just not his cup of tea.

 

I would just approach them at the next party and go to it, but there isn't one for awhile. They offered to give us a lift to our hotel last night and we declined...IMO they have to be wondering what the deal is. To my knowledge, they don't play apart. I would not get the ok from hubby if I were meeting the other Mr. alone anyway, this is a couples thing he doesn't mind me doing rarely if we are friends with them (this will make the second time in 2.5 years). I savor the freedom and love that he is willing to let me push the boundaries sometimes.

 

Our profile pretty much says that we most often play in threesomes and we find it difficult to find a four way connection. How do I say that my husband isn't feeling the chemistry with the wife, but I would really like to be their third in a fmf?

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This is a tough one. My wife and I faced something much the same but in our case it was my wife that was not feeling it while I had made a complete connection with the other woman. I decided, I'll say it straight. I told them, by e-mail, and I believe I was diplomatic. Neither of them took it well. I know I'm going to handle any similar situation differently. I just can't say what will be the different way.

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We faced this situation twice during our marriage. Both times one of us "took one for the team."

 

Laura once said, "I don't mind taking one for the team. It's sex! How bad can it be? I will have a climax, Darling, so don't worry." In both cases we played with the couples for years. How can you really know if you like a couple before you have sex with them?

 

Here's what we would done, if I may guess Mrs. Alura's opinion:

 

Laura would have spoken with Mrs. Hopefully and told her of the situation I was having. They would have decided whether to try to interest me enough to make a swap happen. She'd have told her some of the things that perk me up, the cowgirl look, real opinions on topics of the day, self-assuredness, matching lipstick and fingernails, etc. Knowledge is power. As I got to know Mrs. Hopefully better, my guess is that my sexual interest would grow. If not, we'd have just made new friends, if only to have more people we like at Soup's On! in November.

 

Oh, yeah! Remember to ask a lot of "How do you feel about....." questions and encourage the Hopefullys to do the same. People feel safe, secure and affectionate with people who show a real interest in them.

 

Alura

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We've been honest with couples about this before when hubby hasn't been interested. I just send them a message saying that he isn't feeling it, but that if they are open to it I would love to get together sometime. One couple was thrilled - apparently they had started swinging hoping for an FMF but it had never worked out (they enjoyed swapping, but FMF was still their dream). The other couple said thanks for the honesty but they only played with couples. We saw the second couple at the club at one point and we had a nice chat with them. Hubby still wasn't into her so I was careful not to send out any "I'm into you" vibes, but there didn't seem to be any hard feelings.

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SW - that's exactly the reaction I am afraid of. Thanks for being frank about your experience though. It makes me hesitate to take the straight route even more. I guess I'll keep thinking about it. Delicately...but still leaning toward the straight forward approach.

 

Alura - I appreciate your insight. I would probably take one for the team too, and we both have in the past with varying results. I can usually find something about a man I like enough to have sex - I like being wanted, so if that is clearly the case, game on unless there's no physical attraction or he's not intelligent enough for a conversation. I don't know why he has this mindset about this woman, I am sure it's just the vibe he gets from her. I don't want him to resent me if I push it - I am sure he'd do it for me if I really wanted him to. Unfortunately, I don't think at this stage any amount of convincing from Mrs. Friend will change my husband's mind...and I am not so sure I want it to. As I mentioned, I am looking forward to the encounter with the couple and being the "unicorn" if only for awhile.

 

Thinking out loud here...do I have to spell it out? Can't I just say that a 4 way connection is hard for us to find, but that I am interested and encouraged by my husband to pursue a "date" with them. Does that make it clear enough that he's not feeling it for her without actually saying it?

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This is a pretty delicate problem and I don't have an answer for you. The unfortunate fact is that you really are saying that Mrs. Couple isn't desirable to your husband, which is going to sting even if you're wrong and she's not into him either. If we're ever in a similar situation (and we might be, because while I'll happily take one for the team just in case it might be fun, Mr. Doe will not), I'd probably wait for a house party and see if I couldn't seduce them into a threesome. And then, because I'm just sneaky that way when I really, really don't want to hurt someone's feelings, I'd ask if they'd ever like a repeat.

 

The alternative, at least for me, would be to throw M. under the bus and explain that he just wasn't feeling it and it made me sad, because I totally was.

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Thinking out loud here...do I have to spell it out? Can't I just say that a 4 way connection is hard for us to find, but that I am interested and encouraged by my husband to pursue a "date" with them. Does that make it clear enough that he's not feeling it for her without actually saying it?

 

But why not say it? The whole truth works better than an insinuation and is needed to pursue a friendly relationship, which you will probably need if y'all have a threesome, No?

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Below is what I think I want to say...I am weighing my words a carefully here and after hanging out with them on four different occasions over the last few months, I think this is the type of couple that appreciates honesty.

 

As always, it was great seeing you both last night! We enjoy your company a great deal and feel very comfortable with you and think there is element of trust and familiarity. You may know that we quite enjoy threesomes and that's the way we play most often...it's hard to find a connection where four people are totally into one another. We have different tastes and to just be honest and open, K isn’t feeling chemistry with X, but I do with you both:)

 

That being said, K has offered me the opportunity to come play with you both on my own. Would you guys be interested in getting together sometime?

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But why not say it? The whole truth works better than an insinuation and is needed to pursue a friendly relationship, which you will probably need if y'all have a threesome, No?

 

You're right, of course. I think I have it figured out, what do you think? I value all your opinions and appreciate the feedback!

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You're right, of course. I think I have it figured out, what do you think? I value all your opinions and appreciate the feedback!

 

I think it's great. It has your signature warmth and honesty, plus it relies on your read of your friends as a gauge.

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Below is what I think I want to say...I am weighing my words a carefully here and after hanging out with them on four different occasions over the last few months, I think this is the type of couple that appreciates honesty.

 

As always, it was great seeing you both last night! We enjoy your company a great deal and feel very comfortable with you and think there is element of trust and familiarity. You may know that we quite enjoy threesomes and that's the way we play most often...it's hard to find a connection where four people are totally into one another. We have different tastes and to just be honest and open, K isn’t feeling chemistry with X, but I do with you both:)

 

That being said, K has offered me the opportunity to come play with you both on my own. Would you guys be interested in getting together sometime?

 

I love it! Tell it like it is!

 

Alura

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So glad... they replied with interest in getting together AND bonus that they want to get together for vanilla things with us too:)

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Glad it worked! I just had an incredibly similar situation last week. My husband and the other wife dynamic exactly like yours. I just said, "This is kind of awkward, but B and I talked after dinner last night and I would be interested in having a threesome with the two of you and he is fine with that." This was in person, so I told them to talk about it and let me know. They did ask outright if my husband wasn't interested (which was super awkward). I said, he just wasn't feeling it. I said he was comfortable with me playing with them and this is something we had experience with.

 

The husband came back and said yes. Then some other events occurred which led me to believe the wife was not into it, and possibly not into swinging at all. I told him I would only play with them if she came and told me she wanted to. He called it off. I was very glad. I think I really dodged a drama bomb there.

 

What I learned:

1. Next time I will get to know the couple better before offering

2. I will talk to the wife alone when offering

 

It sounds like you are in a much better position and I hope it goes great for you! Threesomes rock!

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Sorry to hear your thing isn't going to work out. I think getting to know someone first can be a real plus in this sort of situation.

 

Yeah, I hope it works out...but I will patiently wait for the right time. They can't host, don't travel, and we live a little far apart, so not sure this is going to happen any time soon. I just feel good about getting the part about K not being interested in X out of the way and if sex is never a part of that equation, I am ok with that too.

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So, it's happening to me again! Arg! Different couple who we do know pretty well. I have the go ahead to play with them, they'll be at the same party we're going to this weekend. My husband says, "great opportunity for you"

 

Should I even bring it up? I don't want to make her feel bad.

 

Should I just hang all over them and hope they don't notice my husband is with someone else? kidding a little, but really not sure how to approach this since last time was so awkward (see my post above).

 

Did you get to play with your couple Angelkin? How'd it go?

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I actually got to play with him alone - I was super surprised that his wife gave him a pass...then later in the night we had a group thing and all ended up in bed together - and our spouses played together in the group. Funny how things turn out!

 

No, I wouldn't hang all over them, FunDayton...matter of fact, given you felt like you dodged the drama bomb before, I am curious why you are considering them? My guess is something has changed, did you come to realize that maybe she is into it? Do tell!

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I actually got to play with him alone - I was super surprised that his wife gave him a pass...then later in the night we had a group thing and all ended up in bed together - and our spouses played together in the group. Funny how things turn out!

 

No, I wouldn't hang all over them, FunDayton...matter of fact, given you felt like you dodged the drama bomb before, I am curious why you are considering them? My guess is something has changed, did you come to realize that maybe she is into it? Do tell!

 

This is a different couple, the previous time was on vacation with a couple we had just met. This is a couple we've known more than a year. But, it is the same scenario of husband not into her, I'm into them. We have soft swapped with them in the past and this wife is definitely into it. My husband doesn't want to play with them but is happy for me to. I just don't want to hurt her feelings.

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I think people really do get that not everyone is attracted to everyone they meet - especially enough to hop into bed. I am not sure there are many couples who would turn down an extra lady for fun. Just be honest and gentle - I liked your method you posted before..."I would be interested in having a threesome with the two of you and he is fine with that".

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This is a different couple, the previous time was on vacation with a couple we had just met. This is a couple we've known more than a year. But, it is the same scenario of husband not into her, I'm into them. We have soft swapped with them in the past and this wife is definitely into it. My husband doesn't want to play with them but is happy for me to. I just don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

We went to the party this weekend and it went great. I played with the couple and had a great time. Since I've been with them before we already know each others rules and boundaries so the interaction was very organic. No awkward conversation at all! Being at a house party made a big difference, I think, because couples are more likely to go "free range" at a party in my experience.

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That is awesome! I am glad you came back to share!! We love house parties just for that reason - we feel safer there than going off with a stranger alone at a club :)

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