The point of contact - him or her?

So we've only been on SLS for about a week and one thing has become abundantly clear that the men are the main point of contact as opposed to the women. When we planned and had discussions on how we would handle things I was very adamant that I wanted her to be the one making contact and discussing things. Ultimately I want her to be comfortable and it is her decision if it proceeds forward. I find it strange that the guy's are the main contact and kind of creepy. It makes it hard for us to distinguish who's real and who's doing things without their spouse's knowledge.

What have all of you experienced as the norm?

We were active on there for about 10 years and in all that time, I think we contacted a wife exactly once. I sensed that many of the "couples" that contacted us were actually single men.

Yes its a very common problem.

From my personal experience a great number of so called "Single Men" are actually cheating on their wives or girlfriends.

There are however ways to spot this.

For example:

1. ASK: In previous years I have simply asked single men a trick question of sorts, something along the lines of:

"So are you really single or would we need to sneak around a little bit so the wife or girlfriend doesn't find out? Hehehe :)"

Make them think your OKAY about having an affair, make them think you don't mind if they have a girlfriend or wife they are cheating on. In many cases the man suddenly says "Well I do have a wife" and then you know they are lying.

Another way is to simply say....

"So are you totally single then or do you have a wife or girlfriend, forgive us for asking but we simply think honesty about that subject is the best policy?"

In many cases the man will own to having a wife or girlfriend.

The trick is to make them think you don't mind if they have a wife or girlfriend, to make them think your okay with cheating and they usually spill the beans and be honest once they think your okay with it.

Personally I do not want to play with married / attached men, lets face it if they will lie to their own wives or girlfriends then they will not think twice about lying to you as well. For example when you ask them if they will keep your rules as a couple they could lie, when you ask them if they will respect your boundaries they could lie. Lets not forget all the drama and upset that could come from playing with a married person, it could backfire onto you seeing his wife turn up and your door, in fact maybe his wife turns up with her two brothers and that kind of thing.

2. PROFILE: Another good way to spot a cheating man is that most cheating men do NOT put visible face photos on their profiles, they are worried someone they know such as the wife / wife's family will see them so they hide away their face and distinguishing marks. Also I find married men can not accommodate, they can not have people visiting their house where single man usually don't mind.

3. MEETING TIMES: You will also find married / attached men can only meet you when it suits them, for example they can only meet you for 40 minutes after work, they can only meet you on a Sunday seeing them arrive in their gym gear, they can only meet if they have an excuse / small amount of time to meet you. A lot of married men use such excuses, I was late for work, just popping to the gym for an hour. If you meet a man for a social meet and they are in a RUSH, they only have 30 or 40 minutes to spare then usually they are rushing home so the wife doesn't notice they have been gone for long.

4. PHONE: You will often find married / attached men feel reluctant to hand out their mobile phone number, or that when they do meet you for a social drink they are checking their phone every two minutes. If a man meets you for a social meeting and they are constantly checking their phone for messages, constantly clock watching that is a good sing they are not actually single.

5. BODY LANGUAGE: Perhaps another good way to spot married or attached men is simply to watch their body language, for example you meet a man in a bar for a social meeting, he sits almost of the edge of his seat, he doesn't seem to relax, he is constantly looking around the bar scanning for anyone he knows, every time someone new walks in the bar his eyes shoot towards the door like he is expecting his wife to walk in at any second or someone else he knows. You can also ask them again at the social meet, are you single? Then you can see their response and figure out if they are lying.

6. PHOTO'S: This is perhaps the easiest way to spot a married or attached man, but often in their photos's on their online profile you will notice women's clothing in the background, family photos hung on the wall, perfume and make up cabinets, pink flowery bedding and so on. Usually single men do not have perfume / women products / women's clothes / family photos with the kids on the wall / and usually a single man would NOT pick feminine bedding. I see a LOT of single guys claiming to be single and they are stud in a light pink bedroom and have flowery feminine bedding, a single man wouldn't have those things.

7. GYM TOILET PICTURES: You will notice a large amount of men take pictures on themselves naked when they are locked away in a private toilet, this toilet could be at work, at the gym, at a sports hall but that also can be another warning sign. For example the only place they can picture themselves naked is in the toilet at the gym or work because their wife and kids are always at home.

HOWEVER.....

Beyond all of that please let me just say, letting your wife do all of the communication with such men (single or attached men) is actually a massive risk. From my experience of swinging with men the very moment they get your wife's personal phone number / personal email / personal details such as where she lives / where she works / her Face Book profile then the very second they get such details they will then ask her for sex on her own without you there.

If you give your wife's email or phone number to a man he will message her up to 10,20, even 50 times a day, he will flirt with her, try and make her laugh, try and convince her to meet him for sex alone. I'd also warn you that if you bring a man back to your house there is a dam good chance that he will come knocking on your door without been invited. I find one of the biggest questions men have is where do you work? When do you work? Do you work Monday to Friday? Do you work weekends? They are trying to figure out WHEN the man is not at the house, when they can see your wife alone.

If a man asks where you work? DO NOT TELL THEM, say you can't disclose such things.

If a man asks WHEN you work? Say its totally random, sometimes days, sometimes nights, sometimes weekdays, sometimes weekends and so on, don't let them know your working patterns.

I also find it very handy to say something like....

"Well I have 4 brothers who all live fairly close so we have a close family"

"One of my brothers and my uncle is a police officer so were a bit of a police family I guess"

In all honesty you might not have 4 brothers, perhaps none of your family are police officers but it doesn't hurt for a man to think you have 4 large brothers waiting to back you up, or that you have police backing you up who will help you in a single call.

The best way to handle a man in this lifestyle is to have at least 1 or 2 social meetings (without playing) then if you do decide to play get a hotel room at least 1 or 2 times then figure out if this is a person you would want to swing with at their home or yours. Just remember however the moment you take your wife to his house then your wife knows where he is, the moment you bring him back to your house then he knows where your wife is so you have to be careful.

Good luck

I think possibly it depends a bit on the type of activity being planned. Is it a swap vs an MFM or something will will involve more bi activity between the men. That may help define the point of contact more.

We've found its always the guys who chat, for us it's a simple case of I have more time to use the site than she does, we tend to suss them out early on to verify they are genuine with a phone call between the wives, made the mistake once of messaging a couple for weeks only to find it was a single guy

My Girlfriend and I are on SLS, I am the one who does the initial response.

She understands that we will get many flaky inquiries, mainly from single men who are not going to go further than a request for pictures, and she's just not interested in checking them out. When I get something that seems interesting, I reply to them. If they then responds and fit what we're looking for, then I'll show her the emails and get a yea/nay. After that, we'll both take it to completion.

As far as figuring out who's real, I can usually tell within two or three emails back and forth. Then I'll offer a meet with both of us for a cup of coffee with no commitment for anything else. If they respond to that, trying to set up a place and time, it's 90% likely that they're real.

We use online as just a filter to try and make it easier to find the people that we want to find. If someone contacts us (or if we find a couple that we are interested in) we don't spend countless hours sending emails and texts back and forth (mainly because in 99.9% of the time it IS the man taking care of the contact to shelter the women). If we think that there may be a match, we quickly set up a date to meet...not play, just meet. If the guy is faking being a 'couple' or just out for jollies, he won't want to meet (or they will look really stupid when only he shows up and we walk out). Saves lots of time for us. Also, you can tell more about another couple (like if there's any chemistry) in 5 minutes in person than you can in 500 years of emails.