Uh...I Don't Think I Like This.....

So do they only play when they are not in love? Odd thing to put on a swinger profile!

Yeah, this strikes me as an attitude of a couple who do not really get what the lifestyle means.

I just noticed a profile title which consisted of the following sentence:

 

"Not playing at this time. We're in Love!"

 

I don't know, and I'm sure I'm being a bit sensitive to the reputations and general mores and ethics of the lifestyle community, but this statement, to me, implies that if you are "in love" with your partner, you don't play...or you should not.

 

I love my partner. The couples we play with love each other deeply, treat each other well, and their (like our) relationship is the most important thing in the world to them. We swing because we love each other so much, that we have developed the advanced trait of compersion; reacting to seeing our partners in sexual ecstasy with another male or female with joy and happiness, rather than jealousy and anger.

 

I just think this sends the wrong message to newbies perusing profiles. Being in love and sharing each other with others is what swinging for couples, at least to us, is about.

 

 

T

I think your attitude is a bit condescending.....the advanced trait of compersion as you call it is easier to 'develop' when the partners are bisexual or prefer single males....maybe the couple you mention is not bisexual.

Maybe they are in love with another couple, and they're getting their poly on.

Yeah, this strikes me as an attitude of a couple who do not really get what the lifestyle means.

Maybe the same types that forbid kissing mouth to mouth with swing partners but oral sex mouth to genital is ok.

That said, sometimes folks use the lifestyle to meet a sexually compatible life partner and tend to shut down external partners after meeting "the one" for them.

And some couples are the eternal voyeurs, always watching and soaking up the atmosphere but never soaking the sheets with real play even between the couple alone (allowing others to voyeur in return) much less soaking the sheets with outside partners.

My wife and I do the things we do because we love each other. Having sex with other people has the effect of loving each other more, not less.

Can you explain why you think compersion is more likely for those who are bisexual or like single males? Your comment struck me as odd.

Guessing this couple is taking a break from sharing to cultivate a newly found relationship.

I used to work in a book store and I read 50 Shades of Grey just to try to get why so many people were wanting to buy it from us.

That statement makes me think of the whole message of those books..."If you love someone enough it erases all kinky desires and they just want to have vanilla monogamous sex with you until the end of time!"

Why not just de-activate the profile? Why advertise and try to gloat that they're "above" the lifestyle? My feeling is that this couple is into drama and is seeking it out. It's ok if they just like to watch, there's no shame in that, but I would want nothing to do with them because they clearly can't be honest or honorable.

Can you explain why you think compersion is more likely for those who are bisexual or like single males? Your comment struck me as odd.

 

Guessing this couple is taking a break from sharing to cultivate a newly found relationship.

I'm surprised that you ask this question.

For a heterosexual male, the presence of another male(penis) with his wife and him, will generally be perceived as a threat, competition.

The bisexual male has an advantage, even if part of him can be concerned about the presence of another male (penis) with his wife in a sexual situation, the bigger part of him will see the other penis as a potential source of pleasure and excitement.

That's why when I read about a married male, who is bisexual, or a married male, saying he is straight and who is part of a couple that meets mostly or exclusively with single males (and very often that male is not interested in sex with other women), take a condescending attitude saying how evolved he is in comparison to husbands who still struggle with jealousy, I smile.

The whole wiring is just not the same.

Interesting perspective. I'm actually surprised at your surprise!

In my humble opinion, one of the essential elements of compersion is the selfless aspect of seeing your spouse's pleasure coming from someone other than you. A heterosexual guy who feels compersion for his wife is not looking at the other penis as competition; rather, the whole point (it seems to me) is that he chooses NOT to see it as competition. And the bi guy who feels compersion for his wife is not doing so because he thinks he could receive pleasure from that penis as well. In fact, I think the feeling of compersion is precisely NOT about the guy, in either case- it's about the woman's pleasure.

Are you saying that you perceive a guy feeling compersion for his wife's pleasure for another guy as a sign that he is, secretly or otherwise, bi?

I'm surprised that you ask this question.

 

For a heterosexual male, the presence of another male(penis) with his wife and him, will generally be perceived as a threat, competition.

 

The bisexual male has an advantage, even if part of him can be concerned about the presence of another male (penis) with his wife in a sexual situation, the bigger part of him will see the other penis as a potential source of pleasure and excitement.

 

That's why when I read about a married male, who is bisexual, or a married male, saying he is straight and who is part of a couple that meets mostly or exclusively with single males (and very often that male is not interested in sex with other women), take a condescending attitude saying how evolved he is in comparison to husbands who still struggle with jealousy, I smile.

 

The whole wiring is just not the same.

My husband isn't remotely bisexual but gets turned on by the thought of me getting off with anyone else, man or woman. He's not possessive.

I don't think it's at all about evolution or anything, but I think you're being very simplistic when you talk about "wiring". Being pre-disposed to non-monogamy likely goes hand in hand with whatever factors result in people not being jealous or possessive of their sexual partners. There's no moral or ethical attachment to it, just that society tells us its wrong to have these feelings so it can be liberating to give the finger to society and indulge them anyway.

My husband and I went to a club this last weekend for the first time and I ended up giving oral to another man and he gave no indication he was uncomfortable or threatened. I don't think it's condescending to say that it doesn't bother him. I don't think there's anything strange or unnatural about a man who's comfortable watching his partner with a different penis than his own.

My husband isn't remotely bisexual but gets turned on by the thought of me getting off with anyone else, man or woman. He's not possessive.

 

I don't think it's at all about evolution or anything, but I think you're being very simplistic when you talk about "wiring". Being pre-disposed to non-monogamy likely goes hand in hand with whatever factors result in people not being jealous or possessive of their sexual partners. There's no moral or ethical attachment to it, just that society tells us its wrong to have these feelings so it can be liberating to give the finger to society and indulge them anyway.

 

My husband and I went to a club this last weekend for the first time and I ended up giving oral to another man and he gave no indication he was uncomfortable or threatened. I don't think it's condescending to say that it doesn't bother him. I don't think there's anything strange or unnatural about a man who's comfortable watching his partner with a different penis than his own.

First...forgive my errors in English syntax....I'm French...I never said all men who experience compersion are bi...did I?...I said bisexual males and males (part of a couple) who mostly enjoy watching their wives with one or more men and do not need another woman at all, are wired differently. If you took the time to go through posts from couples who exclusively meet single males, you would notice in a lot of cases (not all), that gradually, through the months or years, those males start indicating a desire for same sex contact, saying it is because it turns on their wives, etc....who knows, it could be the real reason...I personally think it is in many cases the judgments of american society that terrifies them. Before you judge me...and I'm not saying that you would.....I've had tons of sex in my life and have done 95% of my experiences(group sex, 3somes, etc..) while single in my late teens and early 20's, before getting married. I discovered that I prefer one on one sex by far, very far..for me, it is so much more intense. I've also been blessed with educated and open minded parents. Never did I hear homophobic or racist comments while growing up, only respect for different races, skin colors, sexual orientations and personal choices. And please consider this, my parents (I am and they were jews) were born in Morocco in 1913 and 1919.Not exactly tolerant times or country. So no I do not look down on bisexual men or men that seem to have sexual preferences different frome mine. I just wish that certain married male swingers - bisexual ones and those that prefer single males and are not interested in other women at all - would realize that they are wired differently from the majority of heterosexual men who, if they accept the lifestyle, will insist on fairness and some sort of equal opportunities, and I wish they would stop bragging about having reached the nirvana of compersion through what they call evolution, being quite condescending towards men who come here and post about experiencing jealousy, etc..I believe they do not have the same instincts a lot of more female oriented males have and will therefore not have the same reaction in the presence of another male with their wives. But I guess it makes them feel good to come and say they are more evolved and those poor men in pain and jealous are not. They don't all do that, but I've read a few here who do. Now to come back to your husband, you guys are starting and the first time was great. How old you are, your personal history and a lot more info, I do not know.

The only thing I can say is that the number of couples who have graced these pages with their ''wow..it is so amazing!that their own sex life at home is rocketing and who all of a sudden stop posting, etc..very often had a very poor understanding of human nature, thinking this would stay the same or get better, not for one moment aknowledging that every thing keeps on changing every day,that sex and emotions are an intricate maze with land mines everywhere. It is much more complicated than anyone knows.

Now, you say: ''Being pre-disposed to non-monogamy likely goes hand in hand with whatever factors result in people not being jealous or possessive of their sexual partners.''

Whatever factors?...that's it? you don't think it would be a good idea to know what those factors are? I'm liberal to the extreme, but If I was like that, I would be curious to know why...

Then you say: ''just that society tells us its wrong to have these feelings so it can be liberating to give the finger to society and indulge them anyway''

So you just want to give the finger to society and be liberated?

Talk about simplistic....enjoy the Lifestyle. Good luck to both of you.