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JAPrufrock

Unwritten swinging rule to group chat first?

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So, I honestly don't know the answer to this question. When first chatting with a couple, do you include all four people in on the initial chat? Or do you leave it at the opposite sexes chatting on their own? Same sexes? Whoever texts who first?

 

I ask because it's recently come up with a couple we were talking to. If you'd like to hear all the sordid, sorry details I've posted them on my blog: Assumptions Will be the Death of Me or How Everything Crashed and Burned

 

So, how do you start your chats?

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We do group chats after having our own hiccups with "so & so" not telling their significant other the details of said chat. I think with all the chat apps out there that this can happen a lot. Hang in there.

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Chatting begins most often online on SLS. It will usually start with one of us (Mr. CoupleInMD79 almost all the time) and one person of the other couple (more often the guy). A lot of the time, I try to get the Mrs. involved, especially if I know I'm chatting with the female of the other couple. And most of the time, she will just not be much into chatting online before we've met the other couple. However, the Mrs. will usually at least review the logs of the chat, so she is aware of what was discussed.

 

If or when things migrate over to chatting via texting on the phone (which often happens after we exchange number right before our first meeting), we like to try hard to make all texting into group texts. That way, everybody sees what everybody else is talking about or flirting about, or what naughty pic the Mrs. might have sent out on "Ta-Ta Tuesday"! Once the chatting is all happening in group texts, we each feel pretty much free to chat with either or both of the people in the other couple as we see fit. Everything is above board, and if somebody feels like they're not participating enough, they can always jump right in!

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Well...from the start, we both have the option to read texts on each other's phone but that doesn't mean that the other couple does the same, and indeed, some couples don't do that. From what I can remember though, we don't really text a couple unless we've already met them. When we were new, we did text both halves of a couple but they never seemed to be able to meet so we stopped texting them. With the exception of one couple, we decided to only share Mr. Sun's number with the other male prior to meeting, just in case. Once we have met, then if the other couple wanted to, we would all share our numbers and text. But then the issue of Lopsided Communication can occur.

 

Perhaps curtailing the pre-chatting before meeting might help weed out the unsavory couples?

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Yeah, to be honest, I think we're kinda done with the whole online experience. For whatever reason, our profile isn't getting very much interest either from people we message or people messaging us. People we do talk to only want to text on KIK, and, well, I'm done with that (I prefer PMing to begin with, I like to think about my responses.)I'm coming to terms with the reality that a lot of the people in our area aren't as sophisticated as the Swingers Board's members. Y'all seriously set the bar too high! :lol:

 

Regardless, the plans for Saturday weren't actually cancelled, so Mr.Prufrock and I are at a loss as to what to do next. Do we just not show up? Do we be courteous and cancel? Do we make up an excuse as to why we aren't going (babysitter fell through.) Mr.prufrock is in favor of the latter. I think that's silly, as we all know why Saturday isn't going to happen. I figured I'd just say in light of recent events we think it best to cancel Saturday's drinks, and wish them a good weekend. What do you guys think? Is there even a point to canceling?

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You mean they (or Mr. Couple) still thinks meeting for drinks is still on the table even though his wife is clearly upset? If you haven't made sure that the meeting is canceled, I'd definitely let them know that it is.

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With other couples, its usually the guy starting to talk to me, the female. Usually, its very direct, and then I approach the hubby, those folks would like to swap or play or whatever. MFM is likely as not to start with small talk or sports talk between hubby and some guy next to us or down from us a the bar. We chat and if I’m interested, I pick up on the conversation more, and move it towards more flirtation and on to seduction (of both men).

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You mean they (or Mr. Couple) still thinks meeting for drinks is still on the table even though his wife is clearly upset? If you haven't made sure that the meeting is canceled, I'd definitely let them know that it is.

 

I don't know if they do or don't, Mr.couple hasn't said anything since starting the group chat. Mrs. Couple left it at "hopefully we can all chat together." So... Yeah. I think we'll just bow out as gracefully as we can. I hate confrontation, I avoid it at all cost. Starting to think swinging may not be up my alley.

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It isn't easy to find four people who all mesh...but then again nobody said that it would be easy. While it may not seem like it now, the benefits and rewards greatly outweigh the effort but that's hard to understand until you have already gotten to that point.

 

This is why we are always saying not to spend a bunch of time with emails/texting/calls/chat. If you find a couple whose profile interests you and your profile interests them, then meet for dinner or drinks as soon as practical. You will know in 5 minutes together what 5 months emailing/texting/calling/chatting won't ever let you know...if there is any chemistry. Saves a bunch of time and effort and lets you either move on to the next get together (or to just move on). Chemistry is just something that cannot be measured other than in person.

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Swinging online can and does work, we've meet some great couples and great friends that way. It's just important to remember that 1) not everyone on a swingers site are really swingers, and 2) then from that group, not everyone who is a swinger is necessarily good at it or going about it the right way (like not keeping his wife in the loop like you experienced on this one).

 

That's why we don't chat, that's why we don't stay logged in all evening waiting on IM's, etc. Would we get more contacts that way? Absolutely. Would we get more GOOD contacts that way? Experience, at least for us, has shown that to be very debatable.

 

We do what works for us. Send us a PM, and in a few days, we'll have looked at your profile and answer. If we answer yes, we're interested, then let's start working toward a time and place to meet in person.

 

That's what works for us online. Just because we don't do the other things doesn't mean those might not work great for other people or that there is anything wrong with doing it that way, but for us, we like our approach and it works for us. That's what you've got to do, find the approach that works for you two, and then stick with it. If that means fewer contacts, then oh well, but I will bet they will be contacts that are better for you. Getting too caught up in the instant gratification communication thing, whether it's IM'ing online or texting before you have even met, that produces a lot of random noise, but those notes often don't form a song even though the noise may not be unpleasant to listen to and may even help pass the time.

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Mrs. JAPRufrock, please don't give up on swinging! You guys are too cool to be lost to the lifestyle before you even get to experience the good parts!

 

There's no doubt this is a a discouraging setback, though. And no, I would NOT meet up with this couple. In your shoes, I would send an email telling them that the two of you think it's best to hold off on meeting them for a while. Be honest in saying that you think the miscommunication made you feel that it would be best to hold off, and that you always want all parties to be onboard before you get together. This hopefully will not be seen as confrontational, but rather courteous on your part.

 

I think the advice you have gotten from others about scaling back on the messaging before you've met in person is sound. The more the messaging, the easier it can be to unwittingly contribute to a problem. Besides, there are some people out there who are all about the chat (and maybe getting naughty pictures), and are not so interested in actually meeting up. That can be a big time-suck! So if you try to focus the messaging on the topic of meeting in person, there seems like less chance of stepping on a land mine along the way!

 

I think others have given you sound advice to continue trying to meet people in other venues- clubs, parties, etc. The online thing has worked very well for us, but your mileage may vary. We have had a share of crackpots, bizarre neurotics, and big talkers online. But we have also met some of our closest friends from seeing their profile online.

 

I think that different sites may have pockets of members in different regions. For example, we are not on SZC, but we are on a few other sites. We have met (and played with) some great people we have found on SLS and APG, and we're told that those sites are popular in the Baltimore/DC area. We are also on Kasidie and Quiver, and have never met anyone through those sites. If we had started out only on Kasidie, we might feel just as discouraged as you guys do now. But who knows which sites have more members in your area?

 

As someone else said, we wish we were closer to you guys, so we could meet you in person! I really think you guys are fun, intelligent, playful folks who would be a treat to meet. And I think you can do great in the lifestyle, too- we just need to get you some great, comfortable, sexy, positive experiences to put in your ledger to balance out the negative ones.

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Guest sandraandalex

It's really simple these days. A video chat, as soon as some interest is expressed with all those involved. Easy to do with iPhone or Android or computer. My suggestion as soon as things seem interesting, no more solo talk , even if claims of informing the significant other appear legit. Getting all together, as soon as possible for a video chat has everything out and open. In short no surprises.

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While I have absolutely no experience with this I would tell you that you have absolutely NO reason to feel bad and should NOT let it impact your experience with the LS. You have learned something and need to adjust your approach. That is all.

 

It is 100% his fault for what happened... Not yours. You did nothing to step over a line. Now you very well may want to cancel this meet because the issue is between them... Not you and them... And this might not end up a good experience. She was not really angry with you... Just taking her anger with him out on you. You cannot control that so you have no reason to feel guilty. It was a bad experience on your part so I can understand it affecting you in a negative way... But again, it was NOT your fault and you have no reason to feel guilty about that.

 

He screwed up and owes both you AND his wife an apology. Sounds like a lot of drama and maybe a couple to avoid.

 

My 2 cents based on nothing but vanilla world experience and common sense. This, IMHO, is not a LS issue.

 

Please please stay. I need to know that there are other inexperienced people out there just like me. My wife and I will NEVER get started if we have to do this all alone.

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My 2 cents based on nothing but vanilla world experience and common sense.

 

So glad to see that some people still have common sense. More and more it is becoming obvious to us that "common sense" is no longer common...

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