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Leigha

Chatting it up (or not) with potential swing partners

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My hubby does most of the ground work filtering through the sites for potential couples for us to meet. He has more time and the more outgoing personality for this type of "work". By the time I get pulled into things, he and either the other guy or the other gal have usually already exchanged a lot through email. This is fine. I don't want to be involved in all the nitty gritty at the start since it usually doesn't turn into anything.

 

The challenge is when we get four-way chats going, and sometimes even extends into in-person meets, too. I'm a quiet introvert. I'm always friendly, and I'm always attentive to what's going on. I actively listen to other people talking. But until I'm comfortable and feel like my sense of humor and general personality will be appreciated, I'm rather reserved. Some of my best friends have told me that they thought I was snobby when they first met me and it took time to understand the real me. It's not my intention to come across this way, but it's been pretty consistent throughout my life.

 

Anyway, getting back to the swinging side. So we get into these four-way chats, and I generally don't say a lot. I chime in when I have something to contribute, but I just don't talk for the sake of talking. As a result, more than once, we've had couples decline further progress with us saying, "We just don't think Leigha's into this/us." It doesn't matter if I tell them that's not the case. This has happened both with couples we were trying to meet in person but hadn't yet and with couples we have met once or twice in person already.

 

Extending this a bit, when we do make a connection and start texting one-on-one, I'm still not a big texter. Hell, I don't text with my own closest friends all that often. Days go by without me sending a single text sometimes. But the other guys often get perturbed that I'm not super responsive to texting. I ALWAYS preface number exchanges with the explanation that I'm not big on texting and they shouldn't expect constant contact with me that way. I still disappoint them. I'm not sure what else to do. They're frustrated. They complain to their wives, who then say something to hubby, who then gets frustrated. I'm frustrated. Aarrrgggghhh.

 

Anyone else in this boat? How do you handle it? What might I do differently? Should I have to do anything differently?

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We can both be reserved with new people until we get comfortable. As to how we handle it, we just try to be more outgoing, although how successful that is I'm not sure. We don't push it to the point that it starts making us feel really uncomfortable or not like ourselves. I think that's important, you always want to be yourself, and it gets to your last question, the answer to which is no, you shouldn't HAVE to to do anything differently. If you WANT of your own volition to try to do something differently, then that is one thing, but to feel like you are being forced into not being yourself, then that isn't a comfortable place to be and it will show.

 

Just from reading your post I can tell you are a sincere person, and for anyone who is interested in you as an individual instead of just what they want from you, they should be able to see that too and realize that is just you being you. The only idea I had regarding the face to face meets is there is more than one way to communicate. Just because you aren't a big talker doesn't mean you can't convey your interest in them with your eyes, a casual and friendly touch, your body posture, etc. Those things are just as important as actual words, or maybe more so. Maybe try be thinking about that and making sure you are presenting yourself as open and friendly even though you may not be saying a lot yet.

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It can be hard changing your habits to suit others. Like Cplnuswing said, you are who you are and people need to know the real you...the non texting you, the not interested in chat you. That being said, you could give it a little more attention and try to be more text-y if that doesn't compromise the real you. You could also get more involved from the beginning dedicating a little bit of time to chatting, emails or group texts.

 

On the other hand, I didn't like texting either and we made it clear that when we gave our phone #'s out, it was for contact in cancellation or directions or the like. We did text on occasion, but nothing too heavy. Maybe if that's not at all your thing, your husband could scale back his communication via text to set the tone? That might help set expectations and give the appearance that you are both equally onboard with meeting these potential playmates?

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Just be yourself. It's better -- for the both of you. There will be prospective swing couples who will appreciate you.

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Well I think it's pretty brave of you to get on here and describe this problem. You have recognized there is an issue and you are doing something about it.

 

I am not going to sugar coat it, it's tough for my wife and I to get really excited about a couple when we do not feel they are both being out going and friendly. In fact it makes a huge difference to us whether we feel that both members of the other couple are friendly or not. I am not even talking about flirting (I kinda suck at flirting, but I've certainly seen guys that are worse). I am just talking about helping keep a conversation going. It's actually a bit of a pet peeve of ours.

 

We have some friends that we have played with and to be succinct he is intimidating. He is intimidating to me and I'm 6'4" and regularly bench two hundred plus pounds. It's a turn off.

 

I also understand where you coming from in being introverted. I feel I am mostly introverted, but have gone out of my way to address the issue to be smoother in social situations. This certainly doesn't mean I'm the life of the party, but I smile a lot, ask questions about the people I am talking too, etc. It's a bit more tricky in this situation than others, but I think it is still helpful. One thing I have been working on feverishly is remembering people's names. We meet a lot of people at the clubs we got to and it suck's when things progress and I don't have everybodies name straight.

 

I do not think I need to change who I am for other's but I do think when I find an area of my life I wish to improve I do something about it.

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You guys are the greatest. Thank you for a bunch of good, thoughtful feedback again. There are definitely some things you've said that I can consider so that I can see what changes I might be able to make that are within my comfort level. I tend to stray towards black and white vision and forget all the shades in between. So thank you again for helping me with that. Cheers!

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You would be more comfortable with other people who are as laid back as you. When you meet them it will be a satisfying experience.

 

Your husband is more impatient. He wants it to happen sooner than later.

 

Don't forget that the other couple may be as unsure and nervous as you are. They may be looking to you to make them feel comfortable.

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playing in a rock band or orchestra and playing in the adult swinging videochat game are different. From what you say you are missinterpreted wrongly as snobby or standoffish just like I used to be. There is no answer for me though other that to keep my group music playing and group sex/videochat playing sessions separate and discrete with different groups of people. There is no other way for me. I hope that helps.

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I would suggest just using the websites as a way to find out about clubs, meet and greets and events. Go out and meet people in person at events. Either you'll click or you won't. That way you won't waste so much time and energy on these chatting encounters.

 

Yes, we've met people like you and they do come across as snobby. Later we've found out they are just shy. That doesn't make us want to play with them, though.

 

You are who you are, but if you want to be more outgoing, you can be. It takes some work, but for me it was totally worth it. Julie recommends a book called, How to Work a Room Dale Carnegie's classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People is useful, too. I find this effort to be more personable is rewarding throughout your life not just in swinging. You will probably always feel some discomfort or awkwardness, but it gets better with practice.

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yes. The Dale book how to win friends is old but a classic. How to work a room is now high on my agenda. As a large but not huge cock sized cup size A transition shemale I realise I have to get more things going for me that just dimensions. Life can be hard realising you are not numero uno but maybe I can get a good hygene reputation or something. How to work a room is my next book to read though now. Thanks for the mention of it.

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