Swinger etiquette: polite online "no" and then some

A few recent posts have me wondering, what really is the best way to say not interested to someone you meet online? Let's face it, no matter how secure we are as individuals, it's natural to feel some rejection when someone isn't interested. Thinking about the "treat others as you would like to be treated" mantra, what do you think is the best way to say not interested? By not replying, a short response, or a paragraph explaining the deficiencies in the cosmic alignment of the 2 couples?

So here is the task, post your best and most polite no thank you, not interested, dance card full, taking a break, 365 day flu, just came down with a bad case of shingles response to the following 2 scenarios:

Scenario I: You have exchanged an email or two based on very nice body photos. Then you receive an email with face pictures. After consultation with your spouse, this couple is a no go, no way, not going to happen. What do you write, if anything, in your response to their photo email?

Scenario 2: You meet a couple for drinks/coffee/dinner, and have a pleasant enough goodbye. On the way home you and the spouse decide, nice couple, but not going to happen. No sooner do you get home you have an email that says we loved meeting you, can you play Saturday? What do you write in response?

Bonus scenario: same as number 2 above, but on the way home you conclude the other couple are flakes, potential stalkers, or just flat out "batshit crazy." Does that change your response?

Credit to Chicup for use of the term "batshit crazy."

Thank you for {the photos|meeting us for drinks|meeting us for dinner}. After {seeing|meeting} you, my spouse and I talked. The connection simply isn't there. We wish you the best in your search as we continue ours.

Thank you for the {message/photos/whatever}. We don't feel we are compatible, but we wish you good luck on your search and all the best in the lifestyle.

Just keep it polite, short, to the point, and end on a high note.

For us Scenario 1 is the most difficult. We have learned that pictures potentially show so little about people and we don't always decide on meetings based on the pictures alone. There does have to be a physical attraction but the attraction is rarely conveyed in photos. Not only that but we have met some very physically attractive people we would not want anything to do with again.

In the spirit of the challenge I will play.

Scenario 1; I would not tell them they have a face made for radio rather my response would be "Thanks for sending the pics, we appreciate your time but our first impression is there will not be a physical connection."

Scenario 2 is easier. We would reply to the e-mail by saying "Thanks for meeting, we appreciate the invite for Saturday but we discussed it on the way home and are not feeling the connection."

Bonus scenario would change it a little "We got your invite for Saturday. We discussed it and there is no connection."

We have had all three scenarios in both directions. LOL. I think the most memorable thing I remember Mrs Jiggly saying was "Your husband needs some ritalin." too a couple when they would not take no for an answer.

"It was wonderful meeting you, and you seem like fun people but we don't feel like we will mesh well. We know you will understand our choice. Thanks for your time and happy swinging!" Almost exactly what we send out.

"It was wonderful meeting you, and you seem like fun people but we don't feel like we will mesh well. We know you will understand our choice. Thanks for your time and happy swinging!" Almost exactly what we send out.

Nice

Scenario I: You have exchanged an email or two based on very nice body photos. Then you receive an email with face pictures. After consultation with your spouse, this couple is a no go, no way, not going to happen. What do you write, if anything, in your response to their photo email?

Would being called "you are ugly" by any other name really hurt that much less?

#1 sucks, it just does. Now often the problem with #1 is that prior to the face shot, you couldn't tell they were lying about their age, but sometimes its just plain ugly to you for whatever reason. Basically when that happens TO us we get ignored and we ignore in kind. Maybe a handful of times we got the "sorry but you are too ugly" in flowery words which were meant to cover the "too ugly" but didn't.

What really is a shame is that I personally like to work on self improvement. What I've had loved to have seen back when we were first swinging was something like......

"Hey thanks for opening your pictures, but dude, dude, we got bad news for you. First, yea sure you are HWP but you are pushing it, drop about 20 a least, maybe 30. Second, that beard, I mean some men look good in a beard, but you are not one of those men, shave that shit. Third, and this isn't so bad but are those work pants you are wearing? Show a bit of style or something."

Of course NO one does that, and good reason for it, but sometimes I really DO want to know why, in detail

Chicup, the only problem is that it's their opinion that the beard or pant style isn't to their liking. Someone else might be going crazy for that beard or pants!

Chicup, the only problem is that it's their opinion that the beard or pant style isn't to their liking. Someone else might be going crazy for that beard or pants!

Yea but if I had three couples where the wife said "ewww shave that" then I'd have an idea

Oh and looking at pictures, the beard was AWFUL. I mean... ugh.

Was it scraggly because yeah...scraggly beards are hard to pull off.

I'm going to go a little off topic but one thing that I think everyone knows is not everyone is going to be attracted to everyone. Even within a couple there can be some differing opinions. Mrs Jiggly and I don't always agree on finding the same person attractive. The really funny thing is the people we are drawn to as potential playmates tend to be nothing similar to what we look like physically.

One of the things I was told when we first started this was to expect a lot of rejection. There are two things that I think can somewhat reduce the rejection. First try to be sure your profile does the best it can to be clear what you're interested in and looking for. Second, be sure to read their profile.

The rub seems to be less about the rejection itself and more about why, thats human nature. Although we have run into some people at parties who had rejected us and we were thankful for it.

Until last night we never had the conversation about how to handle rejecting another couple. I do most of the SLS and she does the IM. As it turns out we have differing opinions ourselves on how to handle it. She will ignore people she is not interested in and I will send a thanks but no thanks at a minimum.

Scenario I: You have exchanged an email or two based on very nice body photos. Then you receive an email with face pictures. After consultation with your spouse, this couple is a no go, no way, not going to happen. What do you write, if anything, in your response to their photo email?

You guys looks like trolls, thanks for playing.--- Okay not really

Scenario 2: You meet a couple for drinks/coffee/dinner, and have a pleasant enough goodbye. On the way home you and the spouse decide, nice couple, but not going to happen. No sooner do you get home you have an email that says we loved meeting you, can you play Saturday? What do you write in response?

Bonus scenario: same as number 2 above, but on the way home you conclude the other couple are flakes, potential stalkers, or just flat out "batshit crazy." Does that change your response?

In all of these we would simply write "Thank you for blah blah blah. However we are not interested/didn't feel chemistry/don't have a connection." You get the idea. For us, no matter how "rude" that may seem, it is FAR ruder to ignore people, string people along, etc. We are adults, and we are conversing with adults. It is up to each of us (myself and husband included) to let it roll of our backs. We are already in a relationship, and we realize that not everyone is going to be attracted to us- whether it be physical or just because our personalities don't click. Does it sting a bit when someone turns us down? Sometimes. But I can guarantee you it isn't something that is keeping us up at night.

With that being said, all of the above scenarios are pretty similar. No play has happened. Things become stickier (pun intended) when you have played with someone. Then you have to have the "break up" conversation, which is much harder (hehe). We would still take a similar approach. "We have had a great time, but we don't feel the chemistry anymore." Then we would include whether we would like to continue seeing them socially. If we are done we would leave it at that, but if we like them outside of sex- "We would like to continue to invite you to our parties/nights out/dinner/whatever."

Im going to go a little off topic but one thing that I think everyone knows is not everyone is going to be attracted to everyone. Even within a couple there can be some differing opinions. Mrs Jiggly and I dont always agree on finding the same person attractive. The really funny thing is the people we are drawn to as potential playmates tend to be nothing similar to what we look like physically.

 

One of the things I was told when we first started this was to expect a lot of rejection. There are two things that I think can somewhat reduce the rejection. First try to be sure your profile does the best it can to be clear what you're interested in and looking for. Second, be sure to read their profile.

 

The rub seems to be less about the rejection itself and more about why, thats human nature. Although we have run into some people at parties who had rejected us and we were thankful for it.

 

Until last night we never had the conversation about how to handle rejecting another couple. I do most of the SLS and she does the IM. As it turns out we have differing opinions ourselves on how to handle it. She will ignore people she is not interested in and I will send a thanks but no thanks at a minimum.

You know, I think rejection is the nature of the beast as far as finding people online. I know for sure that we reject people online that we might actually hook up with when we are out, hot and horny. Not to say that we are lowing our standards or anything like that, but A LOT plays into attraction and often online all we have to work with is pictures and what is written on the profile. If someone has something stupid written on their profile and we reject them for it, would I know anything about it if we had met them at the club? Erm probably not, unless I decide to SLS stalk them in the ladies room while I'm freshening up my flower, but at that point, it might not matter unless it was a huge red flag.

On the flip side, we get rejected, but I have a "so what" attitude about it. Sure, it can sting a little to know that someone doesn't think you are cute, but not everyone is going to like me, and I'm okay with that. With that being said, although I'm not the most attractive woman in the room, I can put on a little black dress and go out and get laid- twice a night, every night- if that is what I was looking for. Actually... now that I think about it... maybe hubby is holding me back haha

Would being called "you are ugly" by any other name really hurt that much less?

 

#1 sucks, it just does. Now often the problem with #1 is that prior to the face shot, you couldn't tell they were lying about their age, but sometimes its just plain ugly to you for whatever reason. Basically when that happens TO us we get ignored and we ignore in kind. Maybe a handful of times we got the "sorry but you are too ugly" in flowery words which were meant to cover the "too ugly" but didn't.

 

What really is a shame is that I personally like to work on self improvement. What I've had loved to have seen back when we were first swinging was something like......

 

"Hey thanks for opening your pictures, but dude, dude, we got bad news for you. First, yea sure you are HWP but you are pushing it, drop about 20 a least, maybe 30. Second, that beard, I mean some men look good in a beard, but you are not one of those men, shave that shit. Third, and this isn't so bad but are those work pants you are wearing? Show a bit of style or something."

 

Of course NO one does that, and good reason for it, but sometimes I really DO want to know why, in detail

Chicup, be glad you are not in SoCal.

Your first year swinging would have been all recovery from plastic surgeries! Face lift, tummy tuck, butt lift, and wife needs boob job and all the other plus get lazered, get your hair done 'right' and make sure you drive a BMW, then MAYBE someone will play with you.

Yeah, a couple from LA told us that in person....

We ignored 'em.

Stayed who we are-and have had lots of fun with people who wanted fun, not a Hollywood look. I'm sure the ones who want that look can find it but there are others who don't and we found them.

sunbuckus is right-others might go crazy for the look someone else - some swinging strangers- want you to change.

Please yourself and your real life full time partner first is our motto.

To turn anyone down, its simple to say we don't feel the connection and move on. Few push in real life. Online-I say no and either hit block or end up messing with 'em. I've been known to tell a guy that if I can't use my biggest dildo on him it's just not fun for me. (After I know he isn't in to that)

Sorry Chicup.. but you are a little.. well no.. way too fat for my wife to enjoy having sex with.. I know that this answer may be a shock to you.. but we think that you could use a dose of reality and that by us being honest and telling you that in your current physical share we and probably most other people will not be interested in you. We don't do pity sex so please don't ask for a second chance. I suggest going to the Dr. and get your thyroid checked and a gym membership. It could only help..

LOL. I did this in fun and do not really mean it,... But have really thought to myself that I want to respond this way to some of the crazy people that keep pestering us to swing.

I have never met Chicup and am sure he and his wife are fine wonderful people and I apologize if I offended them with my response. It was meant as a joke and was done if a fun spirit. Please feel free to roast me at your next convenience for any retribution you might feel you have towards me..

 

Although we have run into some people at parties who had rejected us and we were thankful for it.

 

THIS! SO OFTEN! LOL It amazes me how many times we will go out and find someone falling over themselves to meet us after they either ignored our message or sent us a rejection note. Hubby always gets a small kick out of letting them chat for a few minutes and then calmly saying 'Oh it was nice chatting with you even though you rejected our mail." Over half the time their face either shows they had no clue they sent us a rejection or were reconsidering it.

THIS! SO OFTEN! LOL It amazes me how many times we will go out and find someone falling over themselves to meet us after they either ignored our message or sent us a rejection note. Hubby always gets a small kick out of letting them chat for a few minutes and then calmly saying 'Oh it was nice chatting with you even though you rejected our mail." Over half the time their face either shows they had no clue they sent us a rejection or were reconsidering it.

I have to admit it gives me such a warm fuzzy feeling when it happens.

Chicup, be glad you are not in SoCal.

 

Your first year swinging would have been all recovery from plastic surgeries! Face lift, tummy tuck, butt lift and wife needs boob job and all the other plus get lazered-get your hair done 'right' and make sure you drive a BMW, then MAYBE someone will play with you.

 

Yeah, a couple from LA told us that in person....

 

We ignored 'em.

 

Stayed who we are-and have had lots of fun with people who wanted fun, not a Hollywood look. I'm sure the ones who want that look can find it but there are others who don't and we found them.

 

sunbuckus is right-others might go crazy for the look someone else - some swinging strangers- want you to change.

 

Please yourself and your real life full time partner first is our motto.

 

To turn anyone down, its simple to say we don't feel the connection and move on. Few push in real life. Online-I say no and either hit block or end up messing with 'em. I've been known to tell a guy that if I can't use my biggest dildo on him it's just not fun for me. (After I know he isn't in to that)

While I know the LA crowd has "issues" and we met some of them on a past cruise (self absorbed douche bags), we also met a awesome couple from LA last April who we are planning on having very good sex with again this coming May

Somewhere between poor maintenance and plastic is where we like to be. You can keep the boob jobs and derm abrasions, but we appreciate a gym membership and razor.

Chicup, be glad you are not in SoCal.

 

Your first year swinging would have been all recovery from plastic surgeries! Face lift, tummy tuck, butt lift and wife needs boob job and all the other plus get lazered-get your hair done 'right' and make sure you drive a BMW, then MAYBE someone will play with you.

 

Yeah, a couple from LA told us that in person....

 

We ignored 'em.

While I know the LA crowd has "issues" and we met some of them on a past cruise (self absorbed douche bags), we also met a awesome couple from LA last April who we are planning on having very good sex with again this coming May

The 'LA' crowd has no more 'issues' than the rest of the country (Florida and Colorado, especially). Being from Arkansas doesn't make it more likely that you'll fuck someone you're not attracted just because you have good manners. I will admit, the increase in Plush Parties has skewed the crowd at certain Vegas events to a lot more plastic but the chances of any play at those parties with those types of people is pretty limited anyway...they're there to be seen and that's it. So laying down a rejection for them isn't that tough since you most likely won't even have to. Might be disappointing because it would be fun to touch and not just look, but that wears off when you realize their true motivation for being online (Plush really uses Kasidie and Lifestyle Lounge to advertise) or at the event.

Like Chicup says, don't discount or reject a possible good time just because you're afraid of what our locale may have done to our personality...we're from socal and would have never told you what they said.

While I know the LA crowd has "issues" and we met some of them on a past cruise (self absorbed douche bags), we also met a awesome couple from LA last April who we are planning on having very good sex with again this coming May

 

Somewhere between poor maintenance and plastic is where we like to be. You can keep the boob jobs and derm abrasions, but we appreciate a gym membership and razor.

So you understand why people generally don't say "lose 10 lbs cuz I gotta have you look a certain way. Get that mini-face life too. Or hon, we would do you but your wife needs a boob job first. Get back to us."

What you wanted was people you might have wanted to play with to tell you what their standards were then you could work for those or reject those people for the standards they set for their playmates that do not meet what you think is reasonable.

The 'LA' crowd has no more 'issues' than the rest of the country (Florida and Colorado, especially). Being from Arkansas doesn't make it more likely that you'll fuck someone you're not attracted just because you have good manners. I will admit, the increase in Plush Parties has skewed the crowd at certain Vegas events to a lot more plastic but the chances of any play at those parties with those types of people is pretty limited anyway...they're there to be seen and that's it. So laying down a rejection for them isn't that tough since you most likely won't even have to. Might be disappointing because it would be fun to touch and not just look, but that wears off when you realize their true motivation for being online (Plush really uses Kasidie and Lifestyle Lounge to advertise) or at the event.

 

Like Chicup says, don't discount or reject a possible good time just because you're afraid of what our locale may have done to our personality...we're from socal and would have never told you what they said.

Oh, there are awesome people who are nothing like that in SoCal. Just our very first party we ran into that. And a couple of other parties after that. But we also found some people who were not like that at all. SoCal just has some outspoken pro-plastic types.

So you understand why people generally don't say "lose 10 lbs cuz I gotta have you look a certain way. Get that mini-face life too. Or hon, we would do you but your wife needs a boob job first. Get back to us."

 

What you wanted was people you might have wanted to play with to tell you what their standards were then you could work for those or reject those people for the standards they set for their playmates that do not meet what you think is reasonable.

Pretty much, and I have nothing against boob jobs or the like, its just not a needed thing in our book :P