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MrMarvin

Your "hit rate" with online swinger profiles

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Greetings again all. Let me thank all of you in advance for considering, and invariably answering, yet another one of my inane questions.

 

As explained in other threads, my wife and I are pretty much new to the lifestyle. We remain at or close to that "Level 0" experience level.

 

We just recently tried our hand with an online site, SLS. We've been members about a month. While I tend to keep going back and forth on the whole thing, I seem tonight, while I write this, to be in the "discouraged" mode. Let me explain.

 

We've initiated, or had initiated with us, somewhere between 40 to 50 communications with fellow members on the site. We've had a vanilla dinner with one couple (who have since disappeared) and countless emails go unanswered. We've also had couples disappear in the midst of initial email exchanges. When the dust settles, we count a mere two couples at the moment who we might progress with. Even then we don't know for sure as personal meetings are still in the works.

 

All told, this seems to be a putrid "hit rate." Even then, we can't call the two couples mentioned above "hits" as that is premature.

 

Given above, is this out of the ordinary? If it is not, we must be doing something horribly wrong.

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts, experiences and words of wisdom from those more experienced than I.

 

MrMarvin

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Our "hit rate" improved when we moved from one swingers' hook-up site to SLS. Still, six month's passed before we made a productive connection. Glad we did, however. As one thing led to another after that initial success.

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I'd also suggest checking out other sites. Many times there is a regional site that is much more popular. In our area it is Swingerzonecentral.

 

When we started we met a few couples through sls, but we found that going to swing clubs was much, much more effective. Once you go a couple times people will introduce you to their friends and you'll develop a nice circle. Now we have a monthly meet and greet group and we meet more compatible couples than we ever would have thought possible. Use the websites to find clubs and events in your area and then just start going out and exploring.

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We have been on SLS about Six months now. We haven't gotten any meetings arranged with those we have communicated with there. We have invited a few people to meet with us and responded positively to four who indicated they wanted to meet. They have all dropped communication on the let's meet part.

 

From reading posts on this here and in SLS, it sounds common for most communications that are initiated online to go stale.

 

One swinger's manual I read included an accounting of experiences with couples who agreed to meet then never showed up. And there is the husband of the couple trying to make solo appearances too. All these things are posted about as fairly common.

 

I suppose you need a thick skin and patience for this.

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When we started we met a few couples through sls, but we found that going to swing clubs was much, much more effective. Once you go a couple times people will introduce you to their friends and you'll develop a nice circle. Now we have a monthly meet and greet group and we meet more compatible couples than we ever would have thought possible. Use the websites to find clubs and events in your area and then just start going out and exploring.

 

This is good advice. The SLS profile is basically an afterthought for us now. We still maintain and check it, and do still have some success with it. From the beginning, our number of contacts was low compared to what it seems to be for others, yet our ratio of hits is high. We're pretty picky about who we agree to meet - our theory is having a strong filter up front just makes things easier in the end since you then don't waste as much limited time on maybes. I'm sure we've probably missed some compatible couples that way, but we've also avoided getting discouraged by going out on dry run after dry run.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with how your profile reads and the vibe it gives off. You want the vibe to be welcoming of course, but you also want it to discourage those you want to discourage without giving a laundry list of NO's, which tends to turn people off. We try to convey we are serious and not into endless chatting, what I call "fantasy swinging", and so on. If you send us a message, and we reply we are interested, we fully intend to meet. The meet may not lead to any play, but that is what we are meeting for, to evaluate that, not just be hiding behind a keyboard playing titillating games. There are plenty of those people out there though, it just goes with the territory when you are online.

 

Don't get discouraged. Success breeds success, and after a little tweaking to see what works and doesn't work, you'll get it dialed in.

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Excellent observations and advice as always. Thanks to all who have responded.

 

It seems our "hit rate" is really not that unusual. We have been very picky and candidly, just don't have the time or desire to meet tons of couples from the site. Given that, we have focused on pursuing those that seem to be the best match. It does however appear to be a marathon and not a sprint.

 

I personally like the idea of going to an event and meeting multiple couples. My wife, however, is not at that point and in our discussions, she has expressed more comfort with trying meetings with individual couples. I respect and honor her comfort level. My thought was to at least get two or three "individual" couple meetings under our belt and then raise the event topic with her again.

 

We are going to Sea Mountain in California this month and it will be our third visit. Hopefully we can work on our people meeting skills in that environment.

 

Thanks again all.

 

MrMarvin

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I'd say your "hit rate" is probably about average. As others have said, we find going to clubs a much better opportunity. We mostly use SLS to see who is signed up to attend specific parties and "vette" them, so to speak. It gives us a chance to read through the profile ahead of time and get an idea which ones we might be a match with, send them a pre-party interest message to get things flowing a little and so on.

 

As for using the sites to arrange one on one meets, we find that the more back and forth messaging you do before meeting the less likely it is that the meeting will occur. When going this route we try to keep it simple and make sure we are available asap to meet and make sure to set up that meeting before interruptions have a chance to "come up".

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I agree with advice given, but if you do decide to stick with SLS, I think it would be worth making sure you are doing everything you can to maximize your chances of meeting people you are compatible with. Your "hit rate" does seem low, even given all of the limitations of this method.

 

We have used an online site and, like you, do not have very much time to commit it (or to swinging unfortunately) like you, but have managed to meet quite a few couples in person, and a few have led to a couple of couples we ended up swinging. Some simple tips (you likely know most of these)

- make sure your profile has pictures of both of you

- when you describe yourself and what you are looking for, do not ben scared to be a little specific (if you only want full swap or soft swap, say so) but be positive about it. We are soft swap, but if we see a profile that says - "full swapper, don't even bother" - it turns us off. It makes you appear negative and judging

- on that note, keep your profile positive and upbeat. Sure these sites can be frustrating, but letting that frustration show on your profile makes you appear like a negative person

- when you get an email or a response, respond quickly. Swinging is not like "dating" where a little aloofness can be intriguing

- we avoid a lot of back and forth emails. We will quickly get to "if you would like to get to know us better, lets meet for a drink or coffee. We could do either X or Y evening; how about at X , downtown". This allow us to figure out quite quickly if they are serious. When we decided we did want to meet a few new couples, we committed to a setting aside two weeknights a month to getting babysitting and meeting someone for drinks. We always combined it with something else we wanted to do when we had babysitting (don't want to waste a precious night out when you have young kids) so we would meet someone for a hour and then play tennis or go out for dinner ourselves

 

You probably know all of this already, but if not.... hope it helps.

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Here's something funny that happened today. You may or may not find it encouraging.

 

We got a note saying, "Yes, we're interested. We've been busy for awhile but now were getting back into the scene."

 

I looked to see when we wrote to them. It was more than 3 years ago!!

 

So stick around and maybe some of those no responses will say yes, :lol:

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Here's something funny that happened today. You may or may not find it encouraging.

 

We got a note saying, "Yes, we're interested. We've been busy for awhile but now were getting back into the scene."

 

I looked to see when we wrote to them. It was more than 3 years ago!!

 

So stick around and maybe some of those no responses will say yes, :lol:

 

Lol. That is hilarious!

 

More good advice from everyone. Thank you.

 

Our profile is positive. We don't give "gory" details on anything for a few reasons (chiefly some semblance of privacy and wanting to save discussion for those couples we click with).

 

Funny, after posting this, we received a note from a couple we'd written off. Their practice however has been to respond to email about every three or four days.

 

Who knows. I guess the main thing is just to stay positive and have fun along the way.

 

MrMarvin

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I looked to see when we wrote to them. It was more than 3 years ago!!

 

Funny, after posting this, we received a note from a couple we'd written off. Their practice however has been to respond to email about every three or four days.

 

Both very true. We were contacted by a couple months ago, and we replied we were interested but told them up front it may be a month or two before we could meet. We gave them a date after which we thought we would be available, but then things came up, and when they sent us a followup message, we had to put them off again. They live several hours away, so that makes it even harder. The calendar has cleared now though, so we are going to get back in touch with them and see if they are still interested. We wouldn't blame them if they aren't since we have put them off twice, but life does get in the way sometimes.

 

The thing about checking the messages is also true. I remember when we first started, and were using online more, we anxiously awaited replies to messages and checked it frequently throughout the day. It was just totally new and exciting, so you were more into it.

 

Now, unless we have a conversation going on with someone trying to set something up, we'll go several days or more without checking it, and it may take us several days to reply. One of us does most of the online duties, and the way we do it is if he isn't interested, then he will go ahead and decline right then, and then mention it to her. She may or may not even look at their message/profile, and if she does, it is just out of curiosity and may be weeks later. If he is interested, then she looks at the profile and together we decide our final decision. Sometimes it takes several days to get us both in front of the computer at the same time. So, a quick response from us will almost always mean no, while a longer response time has more of a chance of being a yes. We do try to be prompt, and we do answer every email, but for us, prompt means a day or two, not hours.

 

You have hit upon the key to swinging - no matter what happens or doesn't happen as you had hoped, make sure to have fun along the way and you can't go wrong :)

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I'll echo some of the advice given about finding meet & greets and clubs, and allowing time for replies.

 

After a while, you'll be able to tell which profiles are promising, and which ones are probably bullshit. A little experience working through this process will make the bullshitters stand out to you. That will cut down on the time you invest in looking for couples.

 

And to quote my good friend Master Po, "Patience Grasshopper". ;)

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If you're not already doing so, open your face pics when contacting people. It's annoying to get mail with no face pics asking if we want to meet. If we reply at all (we don't usually), we mail back saying "how should we know, we don't know what you look like". When we get mail with face pics we always respond, even if to say no thanks.

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Kind of sounds like job hunting. The odds of one resume resulting in a job is pretty small but if you put out a hundred, you're almost certain to hit on something. From the other side, it sounds like you have to look through a lot of resumes and even interviews to find the one who's right. My experience, in everything, has been that if I'm patient the right thing will come along.

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Excellent observations.

 

It is actually, however, moving slower than I thought. But once you consider schedules of all involved, and the fact most people have other matters to tend to, one can see how easily this can take some time.

 

In our case, add into the mix the fact we are extremely picky. I believe a good number of couples are of the mind. That likewise adds to the time component and the ultimate "hit rate." Speaking to that, we recently turned down a couple due to our pickiness.

 

Carry on.

 

MrMarvin

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I have found that successful people in any area of life:

 

1. Have clear and concise goals that they can clearly express.

2. Are willing to put in a lot of effort to reach those goals.

3. Say 'no' to anything that stands in the way of those goals.

 

You and her seem to have those goals. I've been successful in a lot of areas of life. The key is to not give up. If you keep searching, you'll find what you're looking for. At least that's been my experience.

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First off, welcome Mr. Marvin. And yes, as the others have said, your "hit rate" is about average. We tend to only get any real activity when we make changes to our profile, and even then, sometimes we only get folks saying that they enjoyed reading it.

 

Other things to keep in mind: Make sure you have at least vanilla body shots of both of you on the profile (faces can be blurred or cropped out). It helps when looking at profiles to see what both halves look like. If you initiate first contact, then you need to open your face pics. The better written your profile is, the more attention it will garner. Check out other sites, as different sites work better in different areas. Free profiles on some sites may limit the number of emails you may send or receive. We checked our mail much more often when we were new, but now, we may only check it once every other week (if that). We mostly use our profile as a way to sign up for events. To that end, we've had a MUCH higher success rate with clubs and parties, since it eliminates the back-and-forth nonsense of emails and messaging to decide whether you're even interested in meeting. (And sometimes, people are simply more attractive in person.)

 

Last but not least, try to be patient. The right couples are worth the time it takes to find them.

 

Happy Hunting!

 

=)

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Thanks all. More sage advice.

 

It seems a majority of people who have replied find the club/social/whatever you may call it scene presents better success. I can see that.

 

In the meantime we will remain patient. It's not a race to the finish line.

 

MrMarvin

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Thank you all so much! I have become very frustrated by the lifestyle lately because of these very issues. To hear that it's pretty normal to chat with MANY couples that never seem to have the time, more like inclination in my mind, to meet makes me feel a little better. We are a very real couple who really do want to meet people and have sex with them. My wife isn't really bi, so that narrows the field incredibly. ( See my thread about who I think the real unicorn is).

We, also have found that SLS seems to be either all single guys or people who just use the sight for entertainment. Parties and clubs seem to be the best way to network and meet people who are, at least, willing to leave their house and get in a swinger environment. But, there are still a lot of "Performance swingers" at clubs too.

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Thank you all so much! I have become very frustrated by the lifestyle lately because of these very issues. To hear that it's pretty normal to chat with MANY couples that never seem to have the time, more like inclination in my mind, to meet makes me feel a little better. We are a very real couple who really do want to meet people and have sex with them. My wife isn't really bi, so that narrows the field incredibly. ( See my thread about who I think the real unicorn is).

We, also have found that SLS seems to be either all single guys or people who just use the sight for entertainment. Parties and clubs seem to be the best way to network and meet people who are, at least, willing to leave their house and get in a swinger environment. But, there are still a lot of "Performance swingers" at clubs too.

 

You raise a good point in denoting your wife "is not really bi" and how that narrows the field. My wife is straight (though I suspect she could be "bi-selfish" meaning she could be touched by the same sex but not reciprocate) and it does make things more challenging. I'd venture to say at least 95 percent of the profiles I have read denote the woman to at least be "bi-curious." There is, of course, no reason to change how one feels. You will only enjoy it (at least in theory on our part still) if you do what is comfortable for you. Trying the "bi-thing" when it doesn't "rock your boat" could push things in the wrong direction.

 

Given all that, and in my case, I wholly embrace and accept my wife together with her sexuality choices. The fact we are even contemplating getting on this "ride" is thrilling. For us, it's not a race to numbers but quality. Maybe we don't play at all maybe we do. We are not going to force it or hit the panic button.

 

So "swinging" back to the topic at hand, we will take our "hit rate" for what it is and move forward.

 

MrMarvin

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I will add that it also seems to cyclic. You can go for months with nothing productive, then have 2,3,4 in a short time span. Then wait months again for another. I am not that this phenomenon is not self fulfilling, as you tend to spend time with new playmates and ignore the sites for longer periods of time. Then as things start to get settle into a bit of a routine you start looking for something new to excite you.

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To hear that it's pretty normal to chat with MANY couples that never seem to have the time, more like inclination in my mind, to meet makes me feel a little better.
You'll find that all "chatters" are time wasters that will never meet. most are trolls or pathetic married guys or gals goofing off without the spouse's knowledge. You'll learn more about a couple in the first two minutes of a face to face meeting than you will from months of chat. If you're interested in actually swinging, set up a meeting with just two or three emails. If they try to string you along with requests to trade pics or chat off site, dump them, they're fakes. If they use an excuse not to meet, tell them to contact you when they're ready to meet in person, then forget about them. Just a wild guess, but I would estimate that 75 percent or more on swingers sites have never actually swapped and have no intentions of actually meeting anyone face to face. They're just looking for pen pals.
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You'll find that all "chatters" are time wasters that will never meet. most are trolls or pathetic married guys or gals goofing off without the spouse's knowledge. You'll learn more about a couple in the first two minutes of a face to face meeting than you will from months of chat. If you're interested in actually swinging, set up a meeting with just two or three emails. If they try to string you along with requests to trade pics or chat off site, dump them, they're fakes. If they use an excuse not to meet, tell them to contact you when they're ready to meet in person, then forget about them. Just a wild guess, but I would estimate that 75 percent or more on swingers sites have never actually swapped and have no intentions of actually meeting anyone face to face. They're just looking for pen pals.

 

I do like to chat on occasion. We definitely meet people all the time. I think it is true that many chatters are just there for the fun of it, and don't really intend to meet.

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My wife isn't really bi, so that narrows the field incredibly.
My wife being straight has been a total non issue for us. Almost everyone we play with is listed as bi or bi curious and I can't even remember the last time anyone even asked about g/g play.

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If our online add hit rate were a major lead baseball player, it would be sent to the minors.

 

Course a lot of swings and misses is worth it in this case when you do hit a home run.

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If our online add hit rate were a major lead baseball player, it would be sent to the minors.

 

Course a lot of swings and misses is worth it in this case when you do hit a home run.

 

Ha! Good way to put it. Hitting below the "Mendoza line" here is still winning! (and my apologies for making an obscure baseball reference).

 

MrMarvin

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