Jump to content
spooky1

Why do I want to watch my partner have sex with another man?

Recommended Posts

Hi, I'm brand new to this board but am not a swinger. I am in a long term stock standard relationship, where we are both very sexual with each other. A couple of years ago we somehow got onto the topic of men watching their partner being fucked by another man, and I was surprised to find I was REALLY excited by the thought of her being with another man while I watched.

 

I didn't tell her until one day when we were fucking and talking a bit dirty I added in some talk about me organizing a man to come over to fuck her while I sit back and watch. She got right into it and said she wanted to do it, and we both had the best fuck ever.

 

Now it has got to the stage where I cant stop thinking about it, and just love the thought of her being pleasured by another. To see the pleasure in her eyes and hear her moans while she climaxes. To see the pleasure in his eyes as he caresses and explores her beautiful body. I am not a voyeur as I have no fantasies about watching others or anything, I just love the thought of watching her.

 

The problem I now have is that I really want to do this, and would love to do it on a regular basis, my partner says she also loves the thought of doing it, but would never really do it, as it's not something that a close loving couple would do. I feel and I have said to her that for some reason I would feel even closer to her if we were having this sexual fun together. I dont want to convince her to do it, however I cant quite explain to her that a loving couple can do this and still thrive in their relationship.

 

Can any of you please help me to understand why this turns me on so much, and maybe reassure me (or tell me that what I am wanting is plain wrong) maybe some tips to reassure her as well.

 

Thanks.

Share this post


Link to post

Why does it turn you on so much? Probably because you're a healthy, pretty normal male. From the summary of some of your discussions whilst having sex, are you sure you haven't spied outside our bedroom window and simply plagiarized our conversations? We had all those same misgivings, but finally acted on our mutual fantasy and have been thoroughly enjoying the most unimaginably fantastic sex life ever since. If you're curious about how things worked out for us Here's the original account of our adventure.

 

Have fun and enjoy!

Share this post


Link to post

Can any of you please help me to understand why this turns me on so much, and maybe reassure me (or tell me that what I am wanting is plain wrong) maybe some tips to reassure her as well.

 

What you are wanting is plain wrong :nono:

 

 

Ok, just kidding. Most of us on here get turned on seeing our significant others enjoy themselves with others.

 

Tips? Search the various forums, including Getting Started, as well as doing a search on keywords that pertain to your situation. You'll find many couples started out in a situation very similar to yours.

 

Oh, and please stop by the Introductions forum and tell us a little more about yourself!

Share this post


Link to post

My guess is she wants to do it but doesn't want to be a 'slut' or maybe ruin what you guys have (in her mind).

 

If you can convince her how serious you are and how much you would love her for it, she just might.

Share this post


Link to post
My guess is she wants to do it but doesn't want to be a 'slut' or maybe ruin what you guys have (in her mind).

 

If you can convince her how serious you are and how much you would love her for it, she just might.

 

Thanks for the input guys I will take a look at yor suggestions. You are right she does want to do it but deos think that this is something a slut would do. I need to find a way to convince her that everything would be fine between us if we did pursue our fantasie. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Thanks for the input guys I will take a look at yor suggestions. You are right she does want to do it but deos think that this is something a slut would do. I need to find a way to convince her that everything would be fine between us if we did pursue our fantasie. :)

 

I guess it's all in how you define "slut". The word implies something negative to me, someone who fucks indiscriminately without care or concern for anyone but herself. Not many like that here.

 

Sounds like your heart is in the right place and she's simply stuck in the same misinformed spot many of us were at one point. It's a long slow learning process, and you are absolutely spot-on with your non-coercive approach; this is something that she must decide in her own mind. As far as this being something that close couples do not do, she couldn't be further from the truth. Of course, a couple will only get out of it what they choose to put into it, and the results, therefore, could be less than happy. But if it is done as an expression of love for each other (as opposed to an attempt to fill an emotional or sexual void between the two), it can indeed promote intimacy and bonding. It does this by forcing communication (either communicate in an honest and vulnerable fashion or your relationship dies!), producing opportunities to newly appreciate your partner from a third party's perspective (we notice that others find our mate sexy, and we suddenly realize all over again...they are!), by giving each other the chance to prove what we said at the altar (that we would always love, cherish, and care for one another by placing each other's happiness above our own, and not allow something as common as sex to interfere with our marriage), and by teaching us why our mate chooses to remain with us even when that one thing we thought most sacred is gone: sexual exclusivity. We find out there's more to our marriage than our ability to retain each other's interest by being "the best" sexual partner.

 

There are SOOO many threads out there on this. Check the New Swingers forum here, or do a search for keywords like religion, guilt, nervousness, unsure, getting started, talking to your wife, reasons for swinging, cheating, etc. I would definitely bring my wife to this board if I were you, and let her learn about these things for herself. Sure we have our share of...um...strange people here, too :lol: Just like any other part of life. But you'll both find the vast majority here are kind and mature, are in loving and committed relationships, and are devoted to living good lives and promoting the same in others.

 

Sure hope we see you and Mrs. Spooky1 around the board. Please encourage her to post any questions she might have. We're always up for a good discussion. :)

Welcome to the board!

Share this post


Link to post
intuition897 said:
... As far as this being something that close couples do not do, she couldn't be further from the truth ...

I can very honestly say that A and I have never been closer than we've become since we started our MFM adventures. if you're really very close and in-tune now, getting into swinging will probably lead you to improve your communication and make you even closer than you ever thought possible.

Share this post


Link to post

Same here, it brought us closer as well. And how could you not love seeing your girl having fun like that?

Share this post


Link to post

Something that a close loving couple wouldn't do? Hummmmm. I dearly loved my ex when we did it with my buddy. I dearly love my wife of today even more then the last one. I want to share her too. The average guy can get a nut once or twice a night whereas the average woman can get a nut dozens of times. After only one guy most women are just getting warmed up. I think God cursed me to be a man. :D

Share this post


Link to post

You're actually very normal. I've always said Mrs. WS is my favorite pornstar. If we have any problem in swinging it's that we like to watch each other so much it makes it hard to concentrate on our partners. :lol: Luckily, many others have the same fantasy and love to watch also, so being involved in forplay while just watching our spouses works both ways. ;)

 

I can tell that without a doubt swinging has made Mrs. WS and I closer. We definitely appreciate each other more. As Intuition said, removing jealousy from the relationship, and not giving sex any power over it's success or failure has opened-up our communication beyond anything I could have ever imagined. We really understand why it is we married each other. All those things other than sex that really make or break the relationship. Most people are just so focused on the sex, or lack of it, in a relationship that they never see the glue that really binds them. All those "life" things that go on between rolls in the hay. And it's amazing when the jealousy is gone how free you fee to be who you are, to let your spouse be who they are, and to really know that your spouse loves you for who you are and isn't just going to up and leave. It's like a huge weight lifted from you shoulders.

 

As for feeling like a slut for having sex with others, many go through this. Society, based on thousands of years of puritan thought decrying all basic human instinct as sin, has brainwashed us into believing what their snapshot of a relationship looks like. No sex before marriage, only sex with your spouse, no sex with your spouse except for procreation, no birth control, pray to remove sexual thoughts from your mind. Funny that these canons were decided by men who had taken an oath of celibacy. It's hard to all of a sudden change all this when you've grown-up believing that so-and-so is a slut because she's had sex with four guys before she got married.

 

Something a close, loving couple wouldn't do? Says who? And why are they telling you that? And who told them that? Get my drift? I would say that it is something that only couples who are very close, and unconditionally love and respect each other, can do.

 

Robert Heinlein said: “Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense.”

 

Talk with her some more. This is something both of you really have to be ready for if it is going to work. Then just go slow. As is said on here hundreds of times, go the pace of the slowest one in the relationship. Show her the board. Let her browse the threads. I know this board has helped me quite a bit in the past year or so I've been reading and posting to it. I think it will show her that swinging is more "normal" then she may think.

 

Mr. WS

Share this post


Link to post
WesternSwing said:
If we have any problem in swinging it's that we like to watch each other so much it makes it hard to concentrate on our partners. :lol:

That's one of the main reasons that we've devoted our play times exclusively to MFM's and haven't looked for other couples to play with.

Share this post


Link to post
spooky1 said:
Can any of you please help me to understand why this turns me on so much, and maybe reassure me (or tell me that what I am wanting is plain wrong) maybe some tips to reassure her as well.Thanks Spooky

 

Hey Spook, two things.

 

One, you are absolutely okay and there is nothing at all wrong about how you feel. I totally adore watching my wife being with another man, and especially if she is really having a good time with him. The better time she is having, the more fun it is to watch. There is something very special about sharing and allowing your loved one to experience something that feels good and different, and it feels good to you to know that she can have those feelings without you getting all twisted up about it, but instead, really enjoying watching her have fun.

 

Second, you don't NEED to do anything to get her into this. You have to respect her feelings, and she may never want to play with another man, and you would be best to accept this. Now, I am not saying that it won't ever happen, you just need to love her unconditionally, whether or not she does play with another. She must ultimately decide to play with another man (or woman, or couple) for her reasons, and not yours (ie: to fulfill your voyeuristic fantasy in this regard, and by the way, there is nothing wrong with being a voyeur either). My best suggestion is to mention that you are not sure how you really felt about the subject, but found some reassurance here, and invite her to read this very thread you started. Then talk about it, and be just as open minded for her in listening to her concerns as you are asking her to be regarding you guys pursuing this path of playing with others.

 

Best wishes.

Share this post


Link to post

Hey spooky. I am still asking myself the same question i cant figure it out either. Because every time I get a little jealousy (to myself) but after things get going I love it and so does she (kittkat on here). But I have had some tough times with it but worked out the do's and the dont's, so be open minded and you will be fine.

Share this post


Link to post
Society, based on thousands of years of puritan thought decrying all basic human instinct as sin, has brainwashed us into believing what their snapshot of a relationship looks like. No sex before marriage, only sex with your spouse, no sex with your spouse except for procreation, no birth control, pray to remove sexual thoughts from your mind. Funny that these canons were decided by men who had taken an oath of celibacy.

 

I guess misery loves company :hahaha:

Share this post


Link to post

Wow thanks for the great advice, some really thoughtfull responses.

 

Do any of you know of any websites that have reading material written by professionals on this topic??

Share this post


Link to post

Furthur to my previous post, I did show my partner this thread and she did seem to gain a better appreciation for the strong feelings I have.

 

While she did appreciate your mature and thoughtful responses, she did mention that they were biased views :Surrender:

 

She really does however seem to be more open to now discuss this freely with me, and this is why I would love to find a website that has some independent professional feedback relating to this. :)

Share this post


Link to post

Fact is, swinging isn't for everyone. Heck, it may not be for most people. If anything, all I hope is that this forum and/or thread shows your wife that swingers can be and are in loving, committed relationships.

 

Quote
While she did appreciate your more mature and thoughtful responses, she did mention that they were biased views

 

She's absolutely right. We're all biased, based on our own experiences.

 

Food for thought, though: The people who typically say that swinging isn't harmful to their relationship are those who have done it. Those who seem to find it inherently harmful are usually those who - surprise - have never actually been swingers.

 

Quote
She really does however seem to be more open to now discuss this freely with me, and this is why I would love to find a website that has some independent professional feedback relating to this. :)

 

I think you'll be stuck looking for a long time. There aren't many who could be considered "professional" swingers, and we're all independent in the sense that we don't have any agenda other than expressing our own experiences. Really, there is no such thing as a "Consumer Reports" for swinging :lol: - you pretty much have to look at what people tell you about their own experiences and see how much of it applies to your own situation.

 

Honestly, the only experts on your relationship and suitability for this lifestyle are you and your wife. Don't look outside, look within.

Share this post


Link to post

Dito We would have to concur with JnG. You and your SO are the captains of your voyage. The opinions/experiences expressed here are insight for those seeking it. They provide a glimpse into the lifestyle. What you do with it is your choice.

Share this post


Link to post
spooky1 said:
While she did appreciate your more mature and thoughtfull responses, she did mention that they were baised views Surrender

 

She really does however seem to be more open to now discuss this freely with me, and this is why I would love to find a website that has some independent professional feedback relating to this. :)

 

I disagree that we are biased. We just happen to be experienced, so we know what we're talking about. I sure as hell hope she doesn't take Dr. Phil's word as the gospel truth on the matter, because "professionals" such as himself often don't look much further than the thin veneer of sleaze that the media and the 'mainstream' have painted over the lifestyle. They simply say, "No, it's wrong! It will never be ok to allow your spouse to have sex with someone else." When pushed to elaborate on that, they change the subject. They have no answer. They can't explain exactly why it is wrong, or how it causes a marriage to collapse. They just swear up and down that it does. They blame swinging for marriages failing because it's a convenient scapegoat. "Look! Their marriage failed! It's all because of that damned swinging..." But when we ask why it is, then, that this couple's marriage failed, but that couple's marriage thrived, they huff and puff and say that there must be something wrong with them. We look at this successful couple and all we see are two people deeply in love, with respect for each other and themselves and the people around them, and excellent communication. They aren't weird or sick. They aren't lacking anything. They're perfectly happy. Content. Fulfilled. Well, by this point the "professional" has moved on to the next topic, no longer interested in the matter.

 

I agree that you'll find it difficult to find a professional who will endorse swinging. I think they're out there. Try visiting this site. Her name is Dr. Robyn De Val. She actually debated Philsie on his show about the practice of swinging. She didn't actually come right out and advocate for swingers - in fact she made a point of mentioning on her radio show that she was not doing that - but she made a good point that if you don't know what the hell you're talking about you shouldn't say anything at all. I think the problem is that therapists are people too, and truth is truth. If it is true for others, it is also true for themselves, and some of the issues that swinging raises are pretty damn scary. It's not for the faint of heart.

Share this post


Link to post
While she did appreciate your more mature and thoughtfull responses, she did mention that they were baised views Surrender

Only biased in that I've been there and know. If you had asked me if I wanted to see my wife with another man several years ago it would have been a different answer. ::P:

 

Mr. WS

Share this post


Link to post
spooky1 said:
Wow thanks for the great advice, some really thoughtfull responses. Do any of you know of any websites that have reading material written by professionals on this topic??

 

I can honestly say, you will get no better advice in the universe on the subject matter of your thread than right here on the Board... from those who have ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED WHAT YOU ARE ASKING ABOUT! While your partner may "perceive" that we are biased, the fact of the matter remains is that at one time we had not done anything, then we did, now we know, so now we share. But now you seek "professional" written reading material for opinions from those who have not done. Why? :confused:

 

If you wanted to become a millionaire, and you wanted advice on how to do it, from whom would you take the advice on how to become one: from a millionaire, or from a college finance professor who makes $70K a year, but who is not a millionaire (but is a "professional" and so called expert on the subject)?

 

I leave you with a quote, it is one of my favorites:

 

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

 

Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

Share this post


Link to post

A thought just occurred to me: I'm certain there are therapists/psychologists/counsellors/etc out there who are understanding of the lifestyle, because they themselves fall into the typical swingers demographic. Surely some of them swing, too.

Share this post


Link to post
intuition897 said:
A thought just occurred to me: I'm certain there are therapists/psychologists/counselors/etc out there who are understanding of the lifestyle, because they themselves fall into the typical swingers demographic. Surely some of them swing, too.

I'm sure you must be right. There ought to be a way for them to reach swingers who need their services, but I've never seen anything like that.

Share this post


Link to post

You know, sometimes I think the word "biased" gets a bad rap. There's nothing wrong with being biased - mainly, because everyone is biased in some way. No two humans think about any thing of consequence in the same way, and the #1 thing that influences them is their preconceived notions in one way or the other (ie. personal experience, tendency to defer to so-called experts, sexual experiences, etc).

 

Trying to look beyond one's own biases is fine and even commendable, but thinking that there is really such thing as an unbiased opinion can get you in trouble. The people you have to worry about most are those who claim or imply that they do not have any biases - particularly if they have an agenda.

 

Just me 2... 3... 10 cents. :)

Share this post


Link to post

Man I wish I could get the vision in my head on paper! Seeing my wife (now Ex) getting laid was the most erotic thing I have ever seen in my life! You are normal but make sure if you do this you both know what rules to follow. The first time we did separate rooms and I got to peek in for my first site. The next time she decided on her own some cuckold would be fun, I did not. Make sure you can play too if you want, you can end up with some really hurt feelings if you are both not sure what the other needs and wants in advance. Talk some more and get everything straight before you go for it.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Similar Content

    • By KatrinaandDriverX
      For me, it's not about having sex or sex acts or multiple partners. It is about 'feeding' different aspects of my personality, occasionally, in diverse ways with sex. It transcends role playing, it's a sexual moment as I'm giving, yielding, engaging and driving my partner(s) into an exquisite moment. To build them up, for the men to enter me in a pure moment that thrills or kissing a woman with tongues plunging deeply. I love it when someone I may have just met can surrender to me and I to them. Then, once we're done that it's perfectly alright to go to the next partner and, who knows, have that same person again later that night (or not). Or, if it's simply to play with another couple, have the sex with the husband be so great that the wife thanks me. Then, of course, there's the knowledge of my husband having another girl, whether it be a wife  or innocent bystander, knowing she just might be asking herself if watching me fuck means my husband must be amazing (he is). 
    • By enjoyingfun
      It is nice to get the chance to suck another man's cock but why? I just did this for my man and wow he loved it!  Two friends came over and I did what he wanted to be the very the best I could be.
    • By bbarnsworth
      I happened across this study today, and it had some very interesting outcomes. The whole study bears reading. To tease you into reading it; "When asked whether they’d ever had various types of multipartner fantasies, just 5% of men and 13% of women had never done so" I.e., 95% of men and 87% of women in the 4k+ member study reported having fantasized about multipartner sexual relations. Wow! I expected it to be above 50%, but not that high.
       
      More reading at: https://sexualhealthalliance.com/justin-lehmiller-science-of-fantasy
    • By SwingSetHusband
      Which one of the two are you more like?
       
      Myself, I'm more of a Voyeur. Just something about watching gets me going!!!
    • By Valha
      Hi, Mr. V. here. We have enjoyed some limited play experiences, some great, some so so, and Mrs. V all of a sudden is wanting to put swinging on hold and here's her reasoning why- She says that so far, none of the sex is as good as she has it with me so she's asking "what's the point?". I say because I've enjoyed watching her getting pleased from a new perspective and enjoy her coming back to me, and I've enjoyed new experiences and coming back to her. We've had great 'reclamation sex' too so I cited that as a reason. Is she expecting too much? Maybe we need to be a lot more selective in partners?
      Anyways, I welcome your thoughts on this and how you would answer her question "if sex is so much better with my spouse, why swing at all?"
×
×
  • Create New...