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Shit vanillas say about swingers and swinging

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Whenever we are out and about with vanillas someone almost always brings up swinging. We've heard some amusing ones, add yours.

 

 

  • "They put their keys in a bowl and they have to have sex with that person, they can't say no!"
  • "I heard about (that town/burb over) its full of swingers" - its always near but not their neighborhood and I've heard a version of this one several times.
  • "I'd go but they are always ugly."
  • "I'd not go but damn the women are hot."
  • "Oh speaking of cheating, we hear there are swingers..."

 

Add your own!

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I was out with a company sales rep. on the way to visit a client. We passed a non-descript warehouse-looking building and he comments to me, "that's a place where wealthy, old doctors and lawyers fuck young girls." I, of course, knew that it was the classiest swingers' club in the area, but said nothing and did my best to hold my disinterested demeanor. "No shit," I said.

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I work in a hotel, and have heard several wild renditions of what happens in a hotel takeover. Most of which don't even make sense when viewed from the perspective of them being real people...

 

They stories are usually told in the form of "You wouldn't believe the shit I've seen..."

 

I stick with the "No Shit!" responses referred to above. ;-)

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Funny thing is in our town we have heard the "neighborhood of swingers" thing for years. It is a nice neighborhood on a golf course with over 200 house. We actually moved into the neighborhood about 2.5 years ago. We were not swingers and didn't think that is something that my wife and I would ever participate in. Well about a year ago we had our first experience with some friends. Mostly girl on girl with the guys fucking their own wives. The couple we had fun with doesn't even live in the neighborhood.

Oh and apparently the word is the "sign" to let others know your a swing is to put huge boulders in your landscaping. Lol. How stupid is that?

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Oh and apparently the word is the "sign" to let others know your a swing is to put huge boulders in your landscaping. Lol. How stupid is that?

 

I'm starting to wonder if the actual prerequisite to becoming swingers isn't a strong health relationship with great communication after all, instead it's owning a big freakin' yard. How else are you going to fit in all the pink flamingos, pampas grass, pineapple flags, white rocks, and huge boulders that are required? Not to mention other outdoor storage space needed, since I have heard insinuations that people with motor homes may be questionable, and a hot tub?, Fuggedaboutit! (there may be something to that hot tub thing though :) )

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I'm starting to wonder if the actual prerequisite to becoming swingers isn't a strong health relationship with great communication after all, instead it's owning a big freakin' yard. How else are you going to fit in all the pink flamingos, pampas grass, pineapple flags, white rocks, and huge boulders that are required? Not to mention other outdoor storage space needed, since I have heard insinuations that people with motor homes may be questionable, and a hot tub, Fuggedaboutit! (there may be something to that hot tub thing though :) )

Yep - I mentioned to a casual friend we bought a hot tub and "are you two swingers?" were the first words out of her mouth. Lol. My standard reply, "why would you ask me that?!"

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I sort of love the fact that at work and among casual friends, everybody sees me only as the regular worker/dad guy. It's not that I'm not those things, but it cracks me up inside that people simply cannot imagine a more complex person. The idea that a person could behave in differently in different situations is alien.

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I sort of love the fact that at work and among casual friends, everybody sees me only as the regular worker/dad guy. It's not that I'm not those things, but it cracks me up inside that people simply cannot imagine a more complex person. The idea that a person could behave in differently in different situations is alien.

 

My favorite comment was from someone I worked with a few years ago. "If your life was a TV show it would be canceled." (Implying that I was far too boring and normal).

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That so reminds me of that navy commercial where they have something hard in the background playing (think it's Godsmack) and the catch line goes "If somebody wrote a book about your life, would anyone want to read it?"

 

As far as TV shows, I have to say that ours is pretty interesting, unfortunately, it seems more on the "Married with Children" side these days.

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We were in Barcelona summer before last. Enjoyed a week there exploring/sightseeing before we departed on a clothing optional Windjammer cruise through the Mediterranean. During that time, we went on a winery tour in the hills north of the city with another swing couple (who were also on the cruise). With us were two younger vanilla couples. The one couple was in their early twenties and from the Buffalo area (Midwesterners like us), the other was a thirtyish uppity couple from NYC (they obviously came from big money by the way they talked). We ended up visiting 3 wineries with plenty of wine and tapas at each. Each time we'd get into the small tour van, we'd switch up seats.

 

By the end of the second winery, the sexual innuendoes were flying everywhere between us and our swing friends. We were having a ball and wanted to stay longer at the last winery. The NYC couple wanted to get back so they could shop. The other young couple latched onto us "fun people" and wanted to stay longer too. So we extended our stay perhaps 30 min until we got tired of the incessant whining.....as in nagging lol......and finally left. This time I climbed into the back seat with both our wives, with my buddy in the middle bench seat with our new younger friends. Pretty quickly, our wives started with the sex references.....joy stick comments, wine makes me horny stuff, can we go parking for some fun, each sliding over and grinding on my lap, a pair of thong panties appeared :D My buddy and the young couple are laughing along with us. The uppity couple in the front bench is still whining about not having much time to shop :rollseye:

 

After nearly an hour ride back of non-stop joking and laughing, we near our stop. This is when the guy of the uppity couple looks back at us all and says "You guys joke a lot about sex and stuff, but you would be shocked at the stuff I've done." We all looked at each other and burst out laughing. Yeah kid......if you only knew :hahaha:

 

Cool part was after the van ride (and after the NYC couple finally went shopping :rolleyes:) The young Buffalo couple didn't want the day to end, so we (both of us couples) invited them to dinner and drinks. We enjoyed an outdoor Barcelona café chatting and joking with them for a few more hours and a few more bottles of wine. And as we would with our kids of similar age, we paid for the dinner tab. They protested, but I told them to do the same when they were our age......show a younger couple how much fun life can be. Don't know if they suspected us swingers.....don't really care either. But it sure was obvious the other whiney couple were prudes! :lol:

 

Brett

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Not too long ago, we (me, my SO, and another couple that we have been dating for about two years) went to a place called the Supper Club in San Francisco. Now the Supper Club is a couples only club and can be called...'progressive'. You eat dinner on a bed while the scantily clad staff serve you and scantily clad performers...perform. Anyways, we were entering and the Maitre d and M.C. (a male) who was dressed in a bustier and high heals, made a comment about how it was unusual that we were two couples attending together instead of just one. We all politely laughed but as we walked away, he said under his breath in a disgusted tone'...swingers!' like it was a dirty word or something. Now this was San Francisco, probably the most sexually open city in America and was being said by a man dressed in women's clothing. Of course he later pointed out (during the show) during the 'hottest couple contest' that the two women making out on stage were actually here with their husbands and pointed us out (and yes, they won).

 

Every once in a while, one of us will say '...swingers' and we all will burst out laughing.

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Hubby has a co-worker that is constantly bragging about the time his wife got tipsy enough to kiss a girl at a bar! His response is always something like "Yea cool." But he says he secretly wishes he could "accidently" mention the all girl 4-way I was in to shut him up! LOL

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Hubby has a co-worker that is constantly bragging about the time his wife got tipsy enough to kiss a girl at a bar! His response is always something like "Yea cool." But he says he secretly wishes he could "accidently" mention the all girl 4-way I was in to shut him up! LOL

 

I know the feeling. It is sometimes difficult when the guys at the lunch table ask me what I did over the weekend. If I actually told they, I'm confident they would not believe it.

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I am very sarcastic. Some call a smart ass! When some people asked what we did over the last "fun" weekend we had I was actually quite honest. The funny thing is they all laughed thinking I was being sarcastic. "You wish" is mostly what I heard. If they only knew!

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I'm just like Howcanunot and when asked what I'm doing this weekend will say something like 'oh, we're having some friends come over and we're all going to get naked and have an orgy' or something along that line and then everyone laughs. If only they really knew...

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I am very sarcastic. Some call a smart ass! When some people asked what we did over the last "fun" weekend we had I was actually quite honest. The funny thing is they all laughed thinking I was being sarcastic. "You wish" is mostly what I heard. If they only knew!

 

That has been my experience a few times, when feeling a daring streak, I'd "joke" to co-workers about the woman I'd like to take home for my wife and me or the orgy I went to, etc. and they'd laugh it off as "Yeah, right". They couldn't see past see the vanilla-side I portrayed as well as the ones that knew my wife who came across even more goody-two-shoes then me (hell, I don't think they could imagine her even having sex with me :lol:). My response was always to act like I was trying to put one over on them and yes, the reality was the wife would divorce or kill me if I tried to make such situations reality. I guess as they say the truth is stranger than fiction and none of them suspect how close to it they really were.

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You guys are making me wonder how likely I would be taken seriously if I said similar things. I've been told that I have an innocent look!

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I am very sarcastic. Some call a smart ass! When some people asked what we did over the last "fun" weekend we had I was actually quite honest. The funny thing is they all laughed thinking I was being sarcastic. "You wish" is mostly what I heard. If they only knew!

 

We did this for a few years with Mrs two4you's sister. We'd always say "We're going to meet up with some friends and screw them". The reply was always "Yeah, RIGHT!".

Then one night we replied with "No. Really. It's what we do". After some explaining and the usual 100 questions, she was OK with it.

Her husband's face told what he was thinking: "I went after the wrong sister". ;)

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Her husband's face told what he was thinking: "I went after the wrong sister". ;)

 

:rofl: love it!!

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Her husband's face told what he was thinking: "I went after the wrong sister". ;)

 

Growing up, Mrs. Fours, despite being the oldest, always felt like the Jan Brady of the family as her sisters were the more wild, rebellious ones who got all the boys, while she was quiet, more responsible and by her own admission, not very popular. Since she has keep up that persona all her life, I imagine her family would be shocked into cardiac arrest if they ever found out the reversal of her being involved in something like the LS, while her former "party-girl" sisters are living out their vanilla lives (in one case, only still dating, not living with, the same guy over 30 years). Yeah, definitely think I got the better deal too ;).

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I got the other day "You and your parties", since I talk about going to parties. I had mentioned to friends talking with a guy at a party who owns a gun shop, and some good deals he offered. I got "What sort of party are you going too?". Tempting to say "One where he was fucking my wife while I was getting a double blow job". Ah well.

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My observation about vanilla folks is that many of them have good, strong (I won't use the adjective "healthy" here) libidos and are quite ambivalent about their own sexuality and that of others. Both of my former wives (one a psychiatrist and the other a clinical psychologist who was certified in sex therapy) were both a bit curious about swinging, and while the second seemed on balance opposed to the notion, the first brought up the topic of our getting involved. (Sadly in that case, in the early '70s, we couldn't figure out how to make it happen -- and it never did.)

 

But I digress. Many of our vanilla friends and family I believe at some level would envy our lives of sexual adventure, while at the same time condemning them.

 

I'll note that a number of the responders above tell of making jocular confessions to others that they assume are not taken as truthful. I'm guessing that springs from the desire to be more open and honest about how we live our lives -- for me that's certainly true -- while dealing with the knowledge that we would be subject to unpleasant and possibly consequential sanctions. I'd be careful about making those joking confessions. Those who hear them may on the surface show disbelief, but I suspect that it also raises suspicions. I guess it depends on how you feel about developing a raffish reputation, but in some cases at least one can be softly outing oneself and one's spouse/SO.

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Swingers are sex addicts.
Damn, that's right. I've hear that one. I suppose some swingers are sex addicts. But probably no fewer or no more than ordinary pervs.

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