Relationships ending because of swinging

We hear some pretty negative attitudes among EX lifestylers who seem to have a story about why their relationships failed and blaming it on the lifestyle. What have you all run into?

How many people do you know or do you seem to hear about that after they split up either blame it on the lifestyle or decide for whatever reason that they no longer want anything to do with the lifestyle?

Does it seem to you to happen more often among soft swingers or among full swap or no real difference?

Not sure,

But if I was a betting man I would say those who split after swinging probably had issues beforehand and used swinging to try and "fix" their problems. So, in the end when it still doesn't work out they use swinging as the excuse, when in fact it was prbably just the straw that broke the camels back.

Dito what the naughty's said, but in reality I don't think we have met any swingers that did this yet.

I would have to ditto that, but at the same time I can't recall one single instance of a couple who split who then blamed it on swinging (either in real life or on this board - and we do get some pissed off people here).

My ex and I were swingers and we (obviously) split up, but the split had nothing to do with swinging. We had problems outside of that (at times swinging was probably the only thing we really did have in common), when things got bad we stopped swinging and tried to fix things.

I'd have to admit the thought of this bothers me. It seems the pat answer is that those couples that break up after swinging "had pre-swinging problems". This seems like pro-swinger propaganda to me.

Frankly, I don't know any couples that don't have some problems and I think having problems in a relationship is normal. It's how you learn to deal with problems that make a relationship stronger or weaker.

But swinging could be like intentionally inserting problems into a relationship unnecessarily. Caution is definitely essential.

I think that before people take the plunge and start busting through barriers they really must give this lifestyle a lot of advanced thought. I think that they should have an innate feeling deep down that their relationship and their commitment is strong enough to handle any real problems that could arise or be agitated by swinging.

Anything less could be disastrous.

i have to say that I have seen thsi more in the polyfidelity that the swing lifestyles. All of the ones that I know who have split up and blamed either lifestyle choice had problems beforehand that should have been fixed and worked through. I tell people all the time that alternative lifesyles arent for everyone. When are people going to listen to me?

It's how you learn to deal with problems that make a relationship stronger or weaker.

 

But swinging could be like intentionally inserting problems into a relationship unnecessarily. Caution is definitely essential.

 

I think that before people take the plunge and start busting through barriers they really must give this lifestyle a lot of advanced thought. I think that they should have an innate feeling deep down that their relationship and their commitment is strong enough to handle any real problems that could arise or be agitated by swinging.

What you said is true, but you have to do more than *know* your relationship is strong enough to handle any issues that arise later- you have to prove it- actually follow through and solve any issues in a way that helps both parties. Now you may think that's obvious, but we've met some couples who had a hard time putting that last part into practice.

We don't know any couples who have completely split up and blamed it on swinging (that we know of anyway), but we've known several couples who had problems once they started swinging. In their minds, they thought they had good relationships, or at least relationships that worked for them before they started swinging. Trying to involve other couples only made things worse for them, which is why we would leave the picture.

We think the Naughty's were right in their assessment that swinging was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back.

i have to say that I have seen thsi more in the polyfidelity that the swing lifestyles. All of the ones that I know who have split up and blamed either lifestyle choice had problems beforehand that should have been fixed and worked through. I tell people all the time that alternative lifesyles arent for everyone. When are people going to listen to me?

Telling people that "alternate lifestyles aren't for everyone" is ambiguous at best. That leaves too much room for interpretation in my opinion. "Who are they not for?" "Am I one of those people?"

No one likes to feel like they are being left out or that they are missing all the fun. So the wrong people may dive in when the shouldn't.

At the very least I think that if someone asks the advice of a swinger on whether or not they are right for the lifestyle (or some similar question) it's a good idea to explain the potential consequences as well as benefits.

But then again, it's not our responsibility to be each other's shrinks either...

Telling people that "alternate lifestyles aren't for everyone" is ambiguous at best. That leaves too much room for interpretation in my opinion. "Who are they not for?" "Am I one of those people?"

 

No one likes to feel like they are being left out or that they are missing all the fun. So the wrong people may dive in when the shouldn't.

 

At the very least I think that if someone asks the advice of a swinger on whether or not they are right for the lifestyle (or some similar question) it's a good idea to explain the potential consequences as well as benefits.

 

But then again, it's not our responsibility to be each other's shrinks either...

I used "alternative lifestyles" because I didnt want to keep typing poly/swing ect ect.. but you are right. People do tend to look at more taboo things like a child looking into the candy store window and our parents have said no candy for you.

What you said is true, but you have to do more than *know* your relationship is strong enough to handle any issues that arise later- you have to prove it- actually follow through and solve any issues in a way that helps both parties. Now you may think that's obvious, but we've met some couples who had a hard time putting that last part into practice.

 

We don't know any couples who have completely split up and blamed it on swinging (that we know of anyway), but we've known several couples who had problems once they started swinging. In their minds, they thought they had good relationships, or at least relationships that worked for them before they started swinging. Trying to involve other couples only made things worse for them, which is why we would leave the picture.

 

We think the Naughty's were right in their assessment that swinging was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back.

While I agree that you have to actually have to be willing to compromise and solve any problems that arise, I'd guess that when swingers split, more times than not, only one half of the couple would be inclined to place blame on the lifestyle. This is just a guess, but I'd bet in most cases it would be the half that felt slighted in some way; the half that wanted to make things work but couldn't because the other half wouldn't make those necessary compromises.

Most relationships end because of selfishness on the part of one member, not always both. And selfishness is human nature, so I'm not saying that's a bad thing. But people are always looking to upgrade their lot in life. So someone could always come along in the lifestyle that your spouse becomes intimate with perhaps for no more reason than he/she just likes that person better than you. That's a risk people take when they enter the lifestyle, and you never truly know everything about your partner, even if you think you do.

We have met more than one male whos wife left him for someone else they met in the lifestyle...the women thought it was an upgrade. But then vanilla people leave to upgrade all the time too.

So I'm not sure how much blame can be placed on the lifestyle.

I don't see how anyone can "blame" the lifestyle for a break up of any relationship.

It is the people that make the relationship. It takes two to make it work or two to break it up.

When ever people in any lifestyle, regular or alternative break up they look for a "reason" for their own failures. That is human nature. They have to be something to blame it on, after all most people are perfect and it CAN'T be their own fault for thier relationship failing.

Do I see people in the Swinging Lifestyle that have no business being in it? Hell Yes! All the time. If they ask me I tell them. They are easy to spot. Always keeping score.. "she got some last time, I did not" "Maybe she will have sex with someone with a bigger Dick and like them better", We will only do FMF because I don't want her with other guys". Everyone time I have seen "those people" I have seen a break up. It was not the Lifestyle that broke them up, it was their own insecurities and game playing that did it.

There is much more to the lifestyle then just the Sex! (This coming from the guy that preaches the Lifestyle needs to get back to sex.) You have to be in the lifestyle for the right reasons and those reasons are different for each and every person in it.

Two of the biggest reasons for relationships failing are Money and Kids. Money does not cause the break up, most of the time neither do the kids. It is the COUPLE that does not agree or know how to handle either one of them.

Stop looking at the lifestyle as a cause, it is the people that are the cause. We are all adults, making our own choices. If we chose to fail we will. Simple as that.

Two of the biggest reasons for relationships failing are Money and Kids.

While I'd agree that money problems do commonly plague relationships, I don't think I've ever met anyone that split up because of their kids.

But I know plenty of people that split up because of their spouse's infidelity! People split up all the time because they're being cheated on. And people cheat for many reasons. There doesn't even necessarily have to be a problem in a marriage for one party to cheat.

But anyone that doesn't think that swinging could lead to the demise of a relationship for some people -- when otherwise the relationship would have be fine -- is simply kidding his/her self.

While I'd agree that money problems do commonly plague relationships, I don't think I've ever met anyone that split up because of their kids.

I have seen it many times. Some people can not deal with the day to day lives of taking care of kids. I hate to say, I experienced it first hand. My Ex-wife was a wonderful lady but sucked big time as a mother. She admitted it as she was going out the door and leaving me with three little girls to raise alone.

But I know plenty of people that split up because of their spouse's infidelity! People split up all the time because they're being cheated on. And people cheat for many reasons. There doesn't even necessarily have to be a problem in a marriage for one party to cheat.

You described the proplem yourself. The problem was the cheating and I am betting most cheats lie about their cheating. There is problem in a relationship if either person can not be trusted to be honest with the other.

But anyone that doesn't think that swinging could lead to the demise of a relationship for some people -- when otherwise the relationship would have be fine -- is simply kidding his/her self.

It is the people that are involved in the lifestyle that causes the problem or break up of the relationship. It is the parties involved own failures what ever they may be.

If your theroy holds true then people could blame the like and dislike of certaihns food the a break up of a relationship.

Only ones kidding theirself would be the people that don't want to take responsibility for their own actions in life.

You described the proplem yourself. The problem was the cheating and I am betting most cheats lie about their cheating. There is problem in a relationship if either person can not be trusted to be honest with the other.

Totally agree. If a person cheats, lying about it is a small and insignificant further step for them to be willing to take. If you ask the person doing the cheating and the lying, most times they will deny they have a problem, attempt to rationalize the problem by blaming the other party, or in some minute incidences acknowledge they are the problem but that the don't really care to correct it.

I think it comes down to demeanor and consciences. Some people have louder consciences than other people. That little voice telling us how we should or should not treat others isn't at the same volume for all of us. For instance, your wife that left you to raise your children alone obviously cared very little for anyone but her own self.

I think in a lot of cases people have no idea how to communicate. THey think they are ready...probably are not, jump into things, someone gets hurt or isn't comfortable abouta sitation, then don't communicate openly and freely with their so. problems fester and get worse. It is easy to say, it was the lifestyle but in many cases it was just unwillingness to communicate, people fall into that horrible trap of "they should known how I felt" or "they dont' understand me."

There are some many potential problems that you can encounter in the lifestyle that are easily solved by good communication, but I suppose you can say that about life in general. How many marriages have broken up due to lack of communication and understanding.

...those who split after swinging probably had issues beforehand and used swinging to try and "fix" their problems.

I would agree that people who meet someone in the lifestyle and then say that swinging is what "caused" their "marriage" to break up went into it with the knowledge that they weren't that happy with each other and probably were never that great at talking with each other.

I can't begin to tell you how little I knew about Fem D's desires or fantasies before this but her concerns were the same: that someone "better" than her would come along and take me away. Well, I can assure all of you that I love her so much for being a partner in this area. People who meet us look at us as a couple and they feel that it is a pleasure for them to be able to be with us, as it is us with them. It is all about sharing each other and letting the other go so they might get what they want out of the experiences they have.

We wish you luck.

Male D

See, we actually know of several people who have used the lifestyle as an excuse for their marital problems - and in two cases the couple had been very active in the lifestyle, even for many years. All 3 cases were the wife who made the claim - although in two of them, she remained in the lifestyle herself afterward.

I agree with VegasLee that it isn't the situation that breaks the couple up, but a problem with them or within their relationship of which they were incapable of dealing with. Just like cheating - it isn't the affair that broke them up, but the problem that one of them was willing to cheat in the first place.

It just frustrates me to hear people place blame where it doesn't belong instead of owning up to their real problems and further maligning a lifestyle that can be a special part of some people's lives.

I agree with VegasLee that it isn't the situation that breaks the couple up, but a problem with them or within their relationship of which they were incapable of dealing with. Just like cheating - it isn't the affair that broke them up, but the problem that one of them was willing to cheat in the first place.

 

It just frustrates me to hear people place blame where it doesn't belong instead of owning up to their real problems and further maligning a lifestyle that can be a special part of some people's lives.

I agree with that.. I was thinking about it this morning.. It isnt money that breaks up marriages but the lack of responsibility or respect a party has to the other.. It isnt so much kids that break up the marriage but rather all the added stresses and disrespect a partner gives to the other. I would say that the number one cause of Divorce is Selfishness

To say that swinging isn't what causes the marital breakup in the lifestyle, but it's the people -that's very , very undefining and nebulas.

Put it this way , if both partners have open , honest, communication and both desire to try the lifestyle many of the differences and problems that arise may or can be handled by both . If they each have total committment to one another and their desires they can always work out any major problems.

On the other hand, where one of the partners is more forceful and determined that their partner give it a try and it turns out that it's not for them or that they cannot handle the moral issues, constaints, time, money , secrecy, societies boundaries , family attitudes, etc. it may indeed cause resistance or problems down the road , perhaps even leading to divorce. One or the other partner may enjoy and desire to continue, but the other does not. Then you may indeed blame it on swinging. The relationship must be very solid and respectful of one another's desires whether in an all vanilla world or swinging. As everyone has said many, many times - "The lifestyle is not for everyone " - that's very true and just the way it is !

To say that swinging isn't what causes the marital breakup in the lifestyle, but it's the people -that's very , very undefining and nebulas.

Put it this way , if both partners have open , honest, communication and both desire to try the lifestyle many of the differences and problems that arise may or can be handled by both . If they each have total committment to one another and their desires they can always work out any major problems.

On the other hand, where one of the partners is more forceful and determined that their partner give it a try and it turns out that it's not for them or that they cannot handle the moral issues, constaints, time, money , secrecy, societies boundaries , family attitudes, etc. it may indeed cause resistance or problems down the road , perhaps even leading to divorce. One or the other partner may enjoy and desire to continue, but the other does not. Then you may indeed blame it on swinging. The relationship must be very solid and respectful of one another's desires whether in an all vanilla world or swinging.

As everyone has said many, many times - "The lifestyle is not for everyone " - that's very true and just the way it is !

.... One or the other partner may enjoy and desire to continue, but the other does not. Then you may indeed blame it on swinging.......

I would put the blame on the partner who wanted to continue swinging against the wishes of his/her partner.

It wasn't swinging that broke them up, it was selfishness and lack of respect from one partner to another.

But anyone that doesn't think that swinging could lead to the demise of a relationship for some people -- when otherwise the relationship would have be fine -- is simply kidding his/her self.

If swinging ever negatively impacts a relationship, the couple should re-examine their situation and fix the problem or just quit swinging. You'll only ever get out of swinging what you put into it. If you go into it believing that it is an actual entity that can damage your relationship, then that's what it will be. Just like the rainbow that you see in the sky is not the same rainbow that the person standing two feet from you sees (the light is refracted through a different set of water droplets), what swinging is to one couple is something else to another.

It's true, Estaque, there is no perfect relationship. If Mr. intuition and I develop problems in our relationship, the swinging lifestyle might put a frame around it, but it's certainly not going to cause our demise. It just very efficiently cuts right through the bullshit and gets to the meat and potatoes of the matter. I believe that swinging is like a magnifying glass, making clearer and more distinct a relationship's impediments. Or maybe a sieve that allows the finer aspects of our relationship through the screen and reveals the chewy chunks that need to be dealt with.

Swinging is not a 'thing'. It's a method. It's the jungle gym that we exercise our relationship on. But it's not our relationship, or even what our relationship is based on.

The thing is,swinging is not a band aid for a relationship boo boo.It's supposed to be about sharing new experiences and meeting people who desire the same. It's not a "fix" for anything. It's to enhance a relationship,not repair it. If people split up it's something wrong with the relationship,not the people they shared it with.

We've known two couples with whom we played who divorced.

The first was because of "incompatibility." The husband couldn't seem to stop squeezing the toothpaste in the middle and the wife wanted to move somewhere else so she could continue her education.

He now squeezes the toothpaste tube anyway he damned well pleases and she has a doctorate. They both seem happy and are still good friends.

The second couple allowed outside play. The wife started fucking a co-worker on the side, without telling her husband. Eventually, she left her husband of thirty years for the co-worker and the co-worker left his wife and kids.

Today, the husband is remarried and the wife lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment. The co-worker returned to his wife and kids.

Swinging wasn't the cause of either break-up. Devoting insufficient importance to the marriages was.

Mr. Alura

 

Devoting insufficient importance to the marriages was.

 

Mr. Alura

I have never read a truer statment. Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done. It takes constant work, patience, understanding, communication, sense of humor and assertiveness to mention a few. Marriage is the hub that holds the spokes of your lives together so the wheel will turn- In or out of the lifestyle.

I heard a former swinger explain that she divorced her husband because she couldn't handle him having sex with other women. Never mind the fact that they hadn't slept in the same bed for 5 years, nor even knew each others cell phone numbers.

Sure, swinging did them in.

Mrs. Indy wrote:

Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.

For us, marriage is easy compared to parenting.

Alura

...Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Marriage with Fem D is not the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is the most compelling reason I have for living. Damned confusing at times but soooo rewarding. facelick

Male D

Although this is still a new road to me, it would seem that like parenting(which isn't a popularity contest, contrary to what some seem to believe)and marriage which is a love/hate-give/take worth every stitch of effort (with the right partner) swinging is about being in-tune with yourself and those around you....if you are too caught up in "you" and your experiences and don't consider those around you it is a set up for disaster.

If you want anything bad enough you will work for it, that is if you aren't too selfish to see that everything you want will not magically appear because YOU want it to.

In order for any relationship of any type to work there needs to be respect, understanding, communication, honesty and trust.

I am confidant that I am entering this with the man I love beside me, not to better anything, but to enjoy the things we have desired and to do so together. We only hope to be able to carry it off with friends and dignity intact. To expect to be totally compatible with everyone we meet would be a ridiculous notion, one surely headed toward disaster or in our case getting kicked off the island!!!!! No way, we are far to happy in paradise.....

sorry for the ramble/ rant......;-) islandgirl (still in progress!)

Damned confusing at times but soooo rewarding. facelick

Male D

Dito!

I can say that swinging has, this weekend, brought up issues that would have remained underground (things we didn't know was "wrong" with us) and yes, it is breaking us up after 25 yrs of marriage.

He broke, completely, a boundary, without asking to change the boundary. Now he is saying stuff about how over 20 yrs ago if he asked to do something and I said yes, later we sometimes fought about it so that's partly why he didn't bother to ask to change the boundary. He just did it.

Warn newbies who think they have great relationships, think they communicate well that this can still bring up things that make you say "I never had the relationship I thought I had. You aren't the person I thought you were. And I want out".

It would have been better if we had never found out, we would have been happy in our ignorance and continued to think we were close and loving....and stayed married.

It would have been better if we had never found out, we would have been happy in our ignorance and continued to think we were close and loving....and stayed married.

I think this sentence right here sums up whether or not a couple is suitable for trying out the lifestyle or not. The question maybe shouldn't be "Is our relationship strong enough?", but "Do we really want to know the truth that badly? or are we content as we are?"

For Mr. and I, it is precisely the fact that we do want to know the bottom line about our relationship that has made swinging such a good fit for us. Personally, we feel that the truth all comes out in the wash eventually; do we really want to risk spending the best years of our lives being potentially miserable with someone we are unsuited to living with? You don't get a do-over here. You life is what it is, and I just don't want to be on my deathbed wishing I had done things differently. Neither do I want to regret wasting not only my own life, but someone else's.

Others may be perfectly content never knowing - preferring to never know - but we are not one of them.

My wife and I are in the process of getting divorced. The lifestyle itself is not what led to it. We have been active for about 10 years and never had problems outside of the normal things. Swinging never caused a problem with either if us. My wife's desire to do things outside of our relationship and trying to do it without my knowledge or consent is what did it. I don't know why she did it, she is still denying she did. I know for a fact because I had a very reliable witness to the act come to me and tell me. The lying and deception and the ease at which she could keep things from me is what led to our divorce.

Here is a true ordeal. Yes this couple ended in divorce. They swing as couple,claim of no jealousy or related problems sexually or marriage wise. This couple was very friendly &can be alot of fun during sex & in general. She was bbw, he was tall, thin build. After many discusions,non-comitment meetings We took it to actually swinging with them. She was a good swing partner. My wife & I both happy with her. When it came to him he got jealous of me & his wife,when involving my wife. He wanted my wife's 100% attention. Problem being 2 strokes of his penis & he would cum & be done. well needless to say my wife was not happy. He appologized saying she is so hot he can not control himself. SO my wife joined his wife & I. He got jealous & it turned into a huge proble. My wife agreed to try again & him pleading he it would not be 2 strokes & done. Which was not true. Then the problem, arose from him asking his wife I satisfied her orally as he could. She replied with " it doesn't get better than this! He's as good orally as a bi-female!" Next thing we knew, he had a g/f he dating. He was spending all his time with her & none @ home. Then he came home with poison ivy & of course his wife got it. She asked how & he replied he stopped & urinated in the woods on the way home. She was not dumb. You don't get poison Ivy from urinating in the woods;ending up with it on your back & ass. He stopped having sex with wife. Last he came home with a s.t.d. which he gave his wife & it was divorce court.

Not that it was the lifestyle,but we divorced.She had had an affair before we started(several I found out later),but stuck togather and tried to make a go of it.But,fter play partners complained,I found out she was not being honest,and still seeing others on the side.Now she is with a guy old enough to be her father,but he can buy her things I couldn't,so I guess that shows what her true motivations are. But,I would still swing,if a future partner wanted to,and was honest and open.

Update: Lots of counseling, reading self help books and talking is keeping us together and may eventually make us stronger (only years will tell).

Swinging with others is out but we are finding we like the clubs as long as we only play together. Yes, the counselor knows and agrees it may help build back some trust this way.

Part of what I learned was it is not all communication....swinging may bring out old issues (in this case from the teen years) and for anyone not fully in touch with their feelings quick enough, cause acting out and poor judgements and add to miscommunication that can occur.

I suggest that newbies be warned not only of the need to communicate but also of the need to both be aware of any feelings that come up-even ones you think you dealt with in the past, can rear up and bite. JMHO

I think that's great Tribbles!!! Thanks for the update.

I always hate to hear of lengthy marriages coming to an end, and 25 years is a lot to throw away!!! A lot of time and energy and love invested in something that has lasted that long is just too important to NOT work on!

Good luck to you both!