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Curioshusband

Going to swingers event just to talk?

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Is there such a thing as going to a swingers event to solely meet active swingers to gain insight and not be an active participant. I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I would love to talk with real couples and see what the lifestyle is like? Just tell me if that's dumb. But, kindly point me in the direction to communicate with a few couples.

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The kind of event you're looking for is a meet-and-greet. This is a social event, where lifestyle people get together at a public venue like a bar, restaurant, or hotel. There is no sexual activity at a meet-and-greet, only talking. It is a great place to talk to folks, ask questions, and find out how things work. Of course, SwingersBoard is also a great place- but seeing actual swingers face to face is good, too!

 

If you join one of the swinger Web sites for meeting fellow swingers, like SLS, SDC, SZC, Kasidie, Quiver, or APG, you can poke around there and find groups that hold meet-and-greets near you. Good luck!

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People are usually pretty happy to talk to you at the Clubs as well. We are. We are not really interested in hearing your 'life story' of what brought you to the club. However, if you have questions and actively listen to the answers, we are typically happy to answer your questions.

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How did you guys decide where to start? Just going to a club right from the start seems very intimidating. I would want to check out the atmosphere before I brought my wife.

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Hi Curioshusband,

 

If you sign up for one or more of the websites CoupleInMD79 mentioned, you should be able to find announcements on there for any Meet and Greet events being held in your area. There's usually an option for a free membership that will have limited functionality, but might give you access to those announcements. Otherwise, there might be a fee to join by the month.

 

As written above, those are usually held at a bar, restaurant or similar place. I would not recommend going alone to your first event. All that will happen is that the local swingers you meet there will assume you are simply a cheating husband if you don't bring your wife, and then you will have problems later when you do bring her, because people will remember you went alone your first time and will wonder about you. Remember, in swinging (as in everything) you and your wife are a team. One of the most rewarding parts of the lifestyle is discovering *together* how nice the people are. I can see that you're concerned about your wife finding something distasteful about the atmosphere and getting turned off. It's great that you're concerned about her having a good time, but I think going without her would backfire. To any concern about the atmosphere, I can say I've never been to a meet and greet that was anything but convivial and friendly in a way that's completely appropriate for a public place. Not only that, but you could probably go to the bar together and just watch the M&G from afar until and unless you both feel ready to walk over to the group and start meeting other folks. That way, you could both see that the people there aren't scary.

 

Good luck!

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I agree the meet and greet is a great option to consider, sort of a halfway step between where you are now and an on-premise swing club.

 

Your concern is understandable, and you certainly aren't the first to have those concerns. A well-managed club though, while wild by PTA meeting standards (even though the same people are attending both ;) ), is not really as over the top as you might think. Most clubs have various areas of the club, and while yes, venturing into the play areas late in the evening once things really get rocking is likely to cause some wide eyes at first, the rest of the club where the bar and dance floor are, you'd have a hard time distinguishing that from any normal nightclub type environment. There may be some partial nudity even there, especially late in the evening, but not as much as you probably expect.

 

A good way to evaluate a club is to look at their club rules and whether they offer couples-only nights. Few rules and no restricted admission = wide open environment and probably not a good choice for your first time out to an on-premise club.

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Thanks for the comments. Good advice. I can see where coming alone would look awkward to others. I appreciate the tips on location and rules. That would help prevent some awkwardness as well.

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How did you guys decide where to start? Just going to a club right from the start seems very intimidating. I would want to check out the atmosphere before I brought my wife.
Women are typically more advenuurous and more perceptive than men give them credit. Both of you should investigate together. You never know. She might even find something she likes for which you have no intetest. And that would be OK, wouldn't it?
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I will echo what others have said about checking it out before bringing your wife. At the least, people will view you as strange and chauvinistic. Most people will assume you are cheating or trying to get involved in something your wife is not interested in.

 

I have met men who have come to meet and greet or clubs under this pretense. It was extremely awkward for everyone involved and we all felt very bad for the wife.

 

Your wife is not such a delicate flower that she can't go out with you to a new place. Do you check out every restaurant first before you can eat there together? Swing clubs and meet and greets are generally not sleazy or dangerous places.

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Guest sandraandalex
I will echo what others have said about checking it out before bringing your wife. At the least, people will view you as strange and chauvinistic. Most people will assume you are cheating or trying to get involved in something your wife is not interested in.

 

I have met men who have come to meet and greet or clubs under this pretense. It was extremely awkward for everyone involved and we all felt very bad for the wife.

 

Your wife is not such a delicate flower that she can't go out with you to a new place. Do you check out every restaurant first before you can eat there together? Swing clubs and meet and greets are generally not sleazy or dangerous places.

 

Boy, do I agree with 'funcoupledayton'. This is something you should explore together from the beginning. After all, what are you trying to shield her from? If you don't like the environment, you leave. Swinging is a path you should explore together and simultaneously. Not with you going forth with lantern in hand and a metaphorical machete clearing a path for your spouse. Alex and I went to our first club together after deciding to explore the possibilities. I could not imagine him coming to me and saying,"I've been checking things out to make certain they'd be alright for you...." It would be an insult to a modern, equal partnership relationship. The more I type, I have to admit, the angrier I find myself with your premise of exploring things solo under the guise of learning more, alone. After all, are you telling her you're exploring this undiscovered country without her? You're selling her short, which is always a mistake in a marriage.

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Guest sandraandalex
Thanks for the comments. Good advice. I can see where coming alone would look awkward to others. I appreciate the tips on location and rules. That would help prevent some awkwardness as well.

 

 

It doesn't 'look' awkward, it IS awkward. "Hello, I'm coming here to learn more so I can determine if this environment is worthy of bringing my wife to with the goal of her having sex with other men. Can you help me?"

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Wow. My wife and I had talked about it before. But, her words were that those types of places were sleazy or not safe. That's her opinion about it. So, I thought I would see what the modern day "lifestyle" was like. Then, approach the subject again with more information. Never been involved in anything like this and not looking for a place to cheat. I don't think anyone needs a website for that. Pretty easy to do that anywhere in the world. If you look at my original post, I wanted to talk to couples. Nothing about hooking up. So much for the open mildness, I felt attack. But, I can see that there are other people out there with hidden agendas. One of my biggest concerns was rather it is better to utilize clubs or try to develop relationships with friends. I didn't want to show up somewhere with my wife and have a swarm of men around her. So, please forgive me for being overprotective.

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I'm sorry you felt attacked, and I understand what you are saying about looking before you leap and that she would be wanting assurances that wherever you go wouldn't be her worst fears come to realization.

 

On the other hand though, anybody who has been involved in swinging for very long has run into the cheating husbands with all sorts of creative stories about why their wife in fact won't be able to come to the meet that night, why she didn't come to the club with him, and so on. Swingers hate cheating. We're all about honesty, and cheating is the exact opposite of that. You may be a 100% sincere but most people through lessons learned just aren't going to believe you, they've heard it all before and since cheating, the thing swingers hate the most, is involved then very little benefit of the doubt is going to be granted.

 

There are other ways to achieve what you want. Go check out a club from the outside. Check out the people you see walking into the club. Both of you attend an off-premise meet and greet held at a regular nightclub. Meet other swingers, both of you talk to them about what clubs are like, talk to them about swinging. Most swingers are always happy to help out someone new.

 

You'll get much better info doing that than you will going to a club by yourself.

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Most meet and greets are for couple to meet other couples...not hooking up, just meeting. Most of them also take place in private homes. So check out the location of where one is and decide if the house is in a 'sleazy' neighborhood or not (usually not) and then the both of you should go. As for clubs, there are plenty of reviews on the different clubs and you should be able to tell how they are by them. A single man attending a gathering is usually...not as popular as a single woman or couple and can often be looked at as a perv or pretender. Swinging is a team sport and is best done with the entire team present.

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I see why the post came across as hostile. Yeah, I can only imagine the characters that people come across. I think that is my wife's fear too. That the lifestyle is just a bunch of cheating men or pervs. That is what I'm trying to discover; what is the reality of it. So, knowing what everyone has shared; I would not attend a meet and greet alone. Of course, I was never looking to hook up. I like the idea of talking with a couple at a regular venu just for q&a. I never meant to upset anyone. This is all new to me and we are as plain as you can get in experiences.

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Sorry you felt attacked, it's understandable, as an outside viewer, from both perspectives.

 

Learning about the lifestyle should be fun, and as you've realized, undertaken together. As in all of life, there are sleazy, seedy places, and alternatively, some very upscale places too. Besides M&Gs, we recommend starting with online reviews of various clubs. There's a wealth of information out there in the internet age, although weeding through it sometimes is confusing. Finding the right club and attending together is part of the fun - always nerves the first time you walk up to the door. Most of the clubs we've visited were more than happy to show us the premises before the evening got underway, so reach out and contact a club and see if they permit a visit or have a preliminary "new couples" meeting before the rest of evening begins.

 

Some just go to watch and be watched, soft swing - or enjoy the voyeur aspect of the LS. There's always someone to chat with, without getting involved. Our advice - talk between you and your wife, talk some more, set your expectations, and don't be afraid to call it a night if either of you is uncomfortable. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The journey of 100 miles begins with the first step.

 

Good luck, and may you have as much fun as we've had!

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Thank you guys! That was very helpful. The last two post are the things that I was hoping to gain from signing into this site.

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The advice above is spot on about clubs. You can tell a lot about a club just by reading their rules. If singles aren't allowed, or if they are allowed in certain numbers but controlled on where they can go in the club without being accompanied by a couple, then it is probably a club worth considering. If those rules aren't in place, then it is probably more of a free-for-all type environment and probably wouldn't be a good choice for your first time anyways. Or maybe ever even...we don't like that type of environment either.

 

Actually, I should have thought of that before. You attending as a single male may not even be a possibility to start with. The clubs that would let you in would probably be lower on my list of potentials if I were in your shoes too for the reasons I just mentioned.

 

The get there early thing is really important. The hosts may be willing to give you a club tour and orientation session, but they will only have time for that right after the doors open. A few hours later, the club will likely be packed and they will be running themselves ragged trying to keep up with everything that needs done, so they won't be able to spare the time for a tour. Too, the energy in the clubs builds through the evening. Get there early, and your energy and comfort level will build along with the crowd. Walk in cold when the place is jumping and it's going to be more of a shock. Honestly, I don't think you'll feel uncomfortable at all, but if you get there early and then things reach a point where you are uncomfortable, you can leave then and at least will have gained some experience to talk about among yourselves later.

 

Getting there early is also important for getting to actually carry on a conversation with people, which is what you are wanting to do. In our experience, as the energy level increases, so does the volume on the music, so it's more difficult to have a casual but in-depth conversation then unless you go find somewhere quieter, which some clubs do have (outdoor balconies, etc.).

 

Have you thought about bringing your wife to this site for her to read, and if she likes, participate too? I would think just reading this thread would help allay her fears about the cheaters and pervs. To the extent you have gotten some responses on the more strident end of what is typical here, it is because swingers have strong feelings about protecting what I would call the "integrity" of swinging, meaning honesty, equality with both spouses having an equal say in anything that happens, and everything else that makes swinging a positive for us in our relationships.

 

One last thing. Nearly 10 years ago now, someone else in your shoes came to this site for almost exactly the same reasons you are and asked very similar questions. We were all new at one time, and just like I'm sure I wasn't the first to have asked those types of questions for those reasons when I first came here, I'm sure you won't be the last to ask those questions for those reasons either! The only bad questions are the ones that never get asked!!

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Nobody was trying to attack you, we were just letting you know that NOBODY wants to be bothered by a bunch of single guys at a club or meet and greet (including you). I don't think that you should have any problem taking your wife...and nothing is ever expected from the others that are there if you do. As suggested, just make sure that it isn't a night where single men are allowed. I think that you will find that swingers are some of the most polite, respectful people that you will meet. The golden rules have always been 'ask first' and 'no mean no'. Breaking either rule usually results in you being asked to leave.

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I really appreciate the more informative responses. I feel like I have some substantial information that I can discuss with my wife. In fact, I will more than likely show her this forum first with all the responses.

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I really appreciate the more informative responses. I feel like I have some substantial information that I can discuss with my wife. In fact, I will more than likely show her this forum first with all the responses.

 

I think that's a great idea! This site is one of the best on the web for finding accurate information and getting advice about all things non-monogamous.

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