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funcoupledayton

Etiquette question

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Sorry I couldn't think of a better title for this situation.

 

We are having some friends over for a movie night. We invited 2 couples, one couple are long time vanilla friends who know everything about us, the other couple are swingers we see fairly often. The female half of the swing couple has to work. She wrote a note saying she couldn't make it, but she was encouraging the male half to come anyway and asking me to encourage him to come.

 

My husband doesn't feel like we should extend the invite just to him. I feel like if I were in the same position (we were invited somewhere and he couldn't attend) I would feel bad if friends didn't say, "Oh come anyway."

 

What do you think?

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I could probably dress this up a little more, but... I think not extending the invitation to the husband would signal that you didn't consider them friends, that your only interest was transactional. I totally get saying no if you're looking for a swap, but for movie night pairing off isn't part of the deal.

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Question: Does the swinging couple know that it's a vanilla get together with you guys that includes a vanilla couple?

 

For me, it all leads to how you feel about this swing couple. Are they just a couple you want to swap with but nothing else or are they close friends that you would hang out with even without any sex? If they are more like true friends (friends with both halves of the couple) then I would say it would be impolite not to extend the invitation to him. Of course, if you or your husband are uncomfortable hanging out with him without the wife, then that's another thing.

 

Personally, I think putting yourself into his shoes gives you the answer but I would wonder (and ask) why your husband feels like the invitation shouldn't be extended.

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Yes, they know vanilla friends are coming and it is a vanilla night.

 

My husband can't explain why he feels that way. He says he wouldn't feel bad if the same situation happened to us. He wouldn't want to go without me. We are very different socially. I am happy to go out with friends when he's not around. He's happier to stay home.

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Maybe for him, it's a compartmentalization thing...? Since you two know them as a swinger couple first then it feels weird to only have half of a couple over. Would he feel the same if it were the case that the husband had to work but the wife could come over?

 

Depending on how close you are to this couple, chances are that you could extend the invitation but the husband might decline because he wouldn't want to go out without the wife. But that's only if he feels like your husband.

 

I definitely see this as an etiquette situation but keeping your husband in mind, I'd defer to his comfort level even though it would make me guilty as hell to rescind the offer. :lol:

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An alternative might be to say to both couples that something has come up in your own lives, and that while you have to cancel the event you'd love to reschedule. Depends how bent you are on seeing that movie, that night, with that couple.

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I don't know if this is going to make any sense but it came into my mind for some reason or another.

 

Substitute "Super Bowl Party" for "movie night" and ask the same question. Would he feel bad about somebody coming over sans spouse for Super Bowl, beer, chips and dip?

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I agree with SW_PA and to expand, think of it this way also, what if the vanilla wife couldn't go and she wanted her husband to still go...would it still seem weird?

 

We would just reschedule. Feelings will get hurt otherwise.

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I'm not sure I get where your hubby is coming from either. I'd almost wonder if there was some small unresolved jealousy at work here for some reason. Is there something about swinging with this guy that might have caused something like that?

 

The super bowl party is a great anology, a couple of beers and some snacks and who cares who's over? You're just having fun!

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I agree with you. I would consider both to be friends and if one couldn't make it the other would be welcome ... unless it's just a swing friendship. Then your husband may feel left out sharing you with the husband but no wife to play with.

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Guest sandraandalex

For your husband, sex would hang in the air like a thick fog, if he showed up without his wife. And, whether you like or not, there will always be that 'thought' going on.

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Follow-up.

 

We talked and my husband reluctantly saw my point. He still didn't feel the same way, but was ok with me extending the invitation.

 

It turned out that she got off work early and they were both able to come. We all had a terrific vanilla (with many innuendos) evening.

 

I think it was an insecurity issue with him, he says he can't put his finger on why he felt the way he did. We can continue to talk about that later.

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I'm so glad you came back to update your thread. :) I hope you two can work through this whatever-it-is issue!

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Maybe your husband gets along well with both of them as a couple, but doesn't enjoy the other guys company as much when it is just him? Some people are like that, even in vanilla life - together they exceed the sum of their individual parts. Together things flow right along, but without the other, the energy level is less, coversation seems forced or stilted, etc.

 

Also, I'm in the invitation should have been extended regardless of whether they both could come or not camp. If they are friends, then that is what one should do.

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