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angelkin

Breaking up is hard to do

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I hate the act of "breaking up" with a couple. It's so much easier to turn someone down if you haven't played or invested anything in a friendship.

 

We've played a few times, they've been to parties at our home, but the last party we just decided we didn't want to hang with them anymore. Unfortunately, after a couple of months, they began pestering us about why they haven't heard from us :( After texts, emails, IM's, and wall posts left unanswered, I finally broke down and simply said we just don't enjoy their company anymore. Of course, I hated it...the whole thing - and this is the type of couple who I knew would want a more detailed explanation.

 

Do you give details in this situation and hope they are able to take the constructive criticism? As quasi friends, do you/we owe them any explanation? We don't really run in the same circles, won't likely be seeing them at the club, may run into them somewhere though as they are very active. I just want the whole thing to go away.

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Sorry you're having to deal with this. Hopefully it will go away soon.

Do you give details in this situation and hope they are able to take the constructive criticism? As quasi friends, do you/we owe them any explanation?

 

I guess for us it would depend on what the issue was. If it was "you won't stop trying to jab that red hot poker up my ass when I'm not looking, and I'm sick of it", then yeah, I'd say so. If it's a case of personalities that were kind of cute at first, but grew to grate on my very last nerve over time, then I'd consider it my issue and not share anything else.

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I wish I had advice for you angel. Usually, I would think that unanswered texts, emails and such would be a strong hint. We've had half of a couple do that to us and we did the same to the other half of the same couple. We sort of learned from them, I suppose. :rollseye: I hope all of this blows over quickly for you guys.

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I'm sorry. That sucks. I always prefer the fade away.

 

As far as telling them why, is it something you can articulate, something specific? Is it something they could possibly work on and change? Did they ask for further details? If yes to all of those, then I might tell them why. Otherwise, I'd just say, "I'm sorry, it's just not working for us," and continue to ignore anything further.

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I hate the act of "breaking up" with a couple. It's so much easier to turn someone down if you haven't played or invested anything in a friendship.

 

Me too. I've been on both sides of that.

 

We've played a few times, they've been to parties at our home, but the last party we just decided we didn't want to hang with them anymore. Unfortunately, after a couple of months, they began pestering us about why they haven't heard from us After texts, emails, IM's, and wall posts left unanswered, I finally broke down and simply said we just don't enjoy their company anymore. Of course, I hated it...the whole thing - and this is the type of couple who I knew would want a more detailed explanation.

 

You let swingers have access to your Facebook? :eek:

 

Your first approach was wrong, depending on what the ignored person is like. Personally, after 2 ignores(possibility of a technical glitch on the first), I get it, but some people aren't as groovy as I am. You should have said something in reply to those communications, it might not have been harder later, unless it was a situation where you were so incensed that you might have become a cussing screaming lunatic. That's a weapon most effective the less it's deployed.

 

Do you give details in this situation and hope they are able to take the constructive criticism?

 

Situational. It depends on the person and the offense. Do they get too drunk at the party, or fail to shower first? With something like that you might be helping them with the constructive criticism. If it's a deeper level of dislike, then maybe not.

 

As quasi friends, do you/we owe them any explanation?

 

My first reaction is you don't owe anyone anything, but even that might not be true in every case. Were they coming over to help you....who knows, paint your house, repair your bike? If it was that kind of friendship then you owe them a good explanation. Anything short of that, IMO you don't.

 

BUT then there's another difference. Owing is not the same as being the decent thing to do, but that goes back to the person and the nature of the offense.

 

We don't really run in the same circles, won't likely be seeing them at the club, may run into them somewhere though as they are very active.

 

If they say hello, you say hello too and then move on, like you have some pressing thing to do like the bathroom or a drink refill. In those settings you've got the expectation of no drama, if they violate that, then it's a whole different ballgame for you. Good luck with that if it happens.

 

I just want the whole thing to go away.

 

Not gonna happen. One thing you need to be aware of...WTF am I talking about...this is more for the benefit of the n00bs than you, is the gossip mill. Welcome to high school!:D Whatever you do about this from this point forward you need to consider how it will appear when it makes the rounds of gossipy swingers and quite possibly morphs into something worse than what it is. Do these people have the social status to hurt you, and if so, with how many people, and do those other people matter to you? Who are you telling to go away, the nerdy guy with massive acne, or the captain of the cheerleading squad? You know that shit matters. Be ready to contain the fallout from this if it's significant.

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I, too, prefer the fadeaway tactic. However, only so many emails etc. can go answered before you just want it all to stop.

 

With this couple, it was a combination of them grating on our last nerve… And some other actions that really pushed us over that edge. They were pushy about playtime, they were pushy to our other friends, they reeked of drama as often there were words between them and the overall dynamic wasn't working for us.

 

I guess the question at the crux of this post, is would this particular couple learn anything if they knew the whole truth? Do we have some obligation to keep others from suffering the same fate?

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I, too, prefer the fadeaway tactic. However, only so many emails etc. can go answered before you just want it all to stop.

 

With this couple, it was a combination of them grating on our last nerve… And some other actions that really pushed us over that edge. They were pushy about playtime, they were pushy to our other friends, they reeked of drama as often there were words between them and the overall dynamic wasn't working for us.

 

I guess the question at the crux of this post, is would this particular couple learn anything if they knew the whole truth? Do we have some obligation to keep others from suffering the same fate?

 

I don't think bringing up those type of issues is going to make any difference in their behavior in the future.

 

I also wouldn't worry about swinger gossip. It does happen, but most is taken with a grain of salt, and the source is always considered.

 

You can always block their profile and texts and unfriend them if they haven't gotten the message from your very clear, "We no longer care for your company."

 

I do feel a bit sorry for them. Hearing that must hurt since they clearly like you. It's too bad they couldn't back off when you ignored them a couple times. Maybe they will try to be less drama for future couples. It's not your job to facilitate that, though.

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You have my sympathy for this situation. My wife and I have decided more than once to try to quietly withdraw or even push people out of our lives. I do not think that we have discovered a "right way". It does become difficult when they start with, "gee, why haven't we heard from you guys?"

 

I think that people who host private house parties encounter this situation more frequently. Sometimes it's easy to articulate the reasons you no longer enjoy somebody's company; sometimes you cannot put the reasons into words; you just know you no longer enjoy them. Sometimes my wife and I do not agree on what is to be done. I like the woman, but she can no longer tolerate the man. Or the other way around.

 

But we try to be mature. There are people who have left us waiting by the phone and wondering. We would go crazy if we worried over it too much.

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. . . I guess the question at the crux of this post, is would this particular couple learn anything if they knew the whole truth? Do we have some obligation to keep others from suffering the same fate?

 

Inasmuch as you used the word "drama" to describe their behavior, I would say that they are probably not the kind who would learn much if you gave them the reasons. And you would be leaving yourselves open to hearing denials like, "you've judged us unfairly" or, on the other extreme, false contrition like, "we'll never do it again."

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I really hate this kind of situation. I always prefer the "ignore them" approach, and if that's not working, I usually do the "it's not you but it's me" method, especially when giving a full explanation will simply lead to more drama and awkwardness. It's not a complete lie...after all, it's my nerve that they are grating on.

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Had this situation happen to us exactly twice. Here's what we did.

 

Case #1: The animal.

This was a pretty younger newbie couple with a host of minor issues. The biggest one was the male half used way too much "locker room talk". I gave him polite suggestions along the way to try being a gentleman. When that didn't work, I pulled him aside and directly told him to cool it, that the women in the room don't like it. That worked for a while, but he couldn't help himself when things got physical. That was the last straw. Bri and I agreed that was the first and last time with them. But the texts and emails kept coming steadily from him. A full week of ignoring this only amplified his resolve to text both of us - several times daily, and even calling at times. The woman never texted either of us.

Solution: I called and told him in a polite register "Look, I think you should know that we're not interested in your company."

"Really? Why dude?" he asked

"Because of your crude behavior. Remember how I warned you to cool it? I meant it. It's not sexy. And now, I am asking you to leave us be. Is that clear?" I replied.

"Whatever." he sulkily said, hung up and never contacted us again.

 

Case #2: The ugly party.

We went to a house party quickly discovered no one was physically attractive in our view. No problem, we didn't have to get physical, but it didn't take long for the ham-handed, touchy advances to begin. Yuck. We left. But the following day, I started getting texts from the host. I chickened out at first and texted him that our "kids needed us". That got him to go away, but then I started getting texts from one of the female party goers! I wasn't happy about this at all. And she was like a jack hammer with "hey hun, please call. I NEED to talk to you, it's important." and "we're all praying for you" etc. Grrr! I finally texted back after two days of this shit. "We aren't attracted to your party group." No one out of those folks ever texted again.

 

So in my experience, telling the truth to the offender works the best.

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"it's not you but it's me" method,

 

So that's what all those girls were trying to tell me when I was in my dating and courtship years.

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We have a similar problem, but in our case it is a couple we have not played with, although they are part of our circle and we have invited them to our parties. At the beginning of the summer they expressed an interest in getting together as a foursome. I have no desire whatsoever to go beyond casual friendship with this couple (PB is less adamant on this, but obviously he respects my wishes), and so our response was that while they were always welcome at our parties, the dynamics were not there for a two-on-two date. They drop us a line a weeks ago; I send a non-committal hi. Today, we get back a note asking when we are going to get together so that we can work on the dynamics!

 

Sigh. Now, we have to be more brusque, obviously, complicated by the fact that we have mutual close friends. If only people could take what was not just a hint, but in fact a fairly obvious NO.

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We were on the receiving end of this a few years ago. Our group just sort of fell apart. One couple split up. The other couple we really liked just cut off all communication with us. They never sent a message saying they did not want to play any more? No explanation. That smarted but we just moved on. Swinging is hard on friendships and even harder on relationships. Of that core group of four couples on one couple still plays with us.

 

What we learned is people and their situations change. The couple that broke up is clear as to why we don't see her or him any more. The second couple that just disappeared hurt our feelings. But hey it was not that bad. We just moved on and met new couples as the couple that you do not want to play with will do.

 

I get it when the communication stops. So much can happen. We can get too close. One of the two can be toxic. His wife might be shouting my name when he makes love to her. We just do not know what goes on at home.

 

I think is just human nature not to put energy into a couple we do not want to play with. Why set up a confrontation when you do not have to.

 

We use the internet for most of our communication and we have had to block some couples. You know the ones we all have couples like that in the local communities that are socially awkward and just cant take a clue. Its awkward when you meet them at a swing club.. but hell if they are getting the cold shoulder there is a reason for it and others have probably done the same. We don't bad talk other members to other members. That is just poor character.

 

Rounding up other people to demonize a couple you don't like is just poor taste and will surely destroy a group... imho.

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Susan here: Well here's a form of truth: "Hi, this has really concerned me to say to you, yet we're simply no longer compatible. I realize this comes as a surprise, but we know you're the type of people that will respect our feelings without further inquiry." Send it as an email or say it to them personally

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Susan here: Well here's a form of truth: "Hi, this has really concerned me to say to you, yet we're simply no longer compatible. I realize this comes as a surprise, but we know you're the type of people that will respect our feelings without further inquiry." Send it as an email or say it to them personally

 

You forgot to say: Its us, not you.

lollollol

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These situations suck, but they come with territory and are something that you have to deal with on occasion. We went through something similar with our very first couple, and of all the things we have encountered in swinging, trying to figure out how to best handle that situation has probably been the most difficult.

 

The way I see giving specifics is it moves it from a "no, not ever" to a "no, not right now". If you provide reasons why you aren't, or once were but are no longer, interested, then the way many people will interpret that is if those barriers were removed/fixed, then you would be interested again. That may occasionally be true, but for most of us, if we give one reason why we aren't interested, there are really ten. We just didn't list them all out of politeness and not wanting to make someone feel worse than what you are already making them feel, so implying there are just one or two little things isn't really accurate or fair to them. Best to just say not compatible and leave it at that, and if they persist, repeat it once and then just start ignoring them if they continue.

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We don't bad talk other members to other members. That is just poor character.

 

That sounds good right up until one of your other friends says, "Hey why didn't you give us the heads up on them?"

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That sounds good right up until one of your other friends says, "Hey why didn't you give us the heads up on them?"

 

It's really difficult to be in that position. We prefer to let people make their own assessments. If someone asks us directly we might give a general, "meh," or "they weren't a good fit for us, but they have some good qualities."

 

Actually, I have told a couple close friends about a few experiences. I just told them what happened, didn't really try to warn them off. The stories were the amusing type, not anything really bad.

 

If someone complains, why didn't you tell me? I'd probably just say, "Everyone is different and everyone has off nights, I didn't want to be a gossip." If they still hold it against you, they're not really a friend.

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Years ago, I worked at a facility with a psychiatrist who was famous for his superiority complex and not caring how anyone else was affected by what he did. Everyone avoided saying anything, because he was an MD. After he resigned, I went to him and said "I don't want you to leave with me feeling this way." I didn't tell him what he had done wrong; I told him how it made me feel. I think he actually listened. I was just a lowly counselor-in-training, so I had nothing to lose. The medical director of the program came to me and thanked me, stating that the doctor needed to know how he affected people.

 

That was a formative point for me. Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give people is to let them know how they're coming off. I've learned it's important to give no impression of being judgmental or superior, just "This is how I feel." Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give people is the truth.

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It's really difficult to be in that position. We prefer to let people make their own assessments. If someone asks us directly we might give a general, "meh," or "they weren't a good fit for us, but they have some good qualities."

 

Actually, I have told a couple close friends about a few experiences. I just told them what happened, didn't really try to warn them off. The stories were the amusing type, not anything really bad.

 

If someone complains, why didn't you tell me? I'd probably just say, "Everyone is different and everyone has off nights, I didn't want to be a gossip." If they still hold it against you, they're not really a friend.

 

I didn't create this game or write the rules, it was like this when I found it. The gossip among swingers is pervasive. I don't start it, and I don't have to. Every time swingers get together a major topic of conversation is other swingers. There have been many times we've met people for the first time and within minutes they're talking about other swingers. Is it a Columbus Ohio swinger thing? Are the people I happen to meet all out of the ordinary? That's difficult to believe. Every time I've mentioned it on this forum I either get some morally superior response or no response at all. It's easier to believe that its more of a "shut up and don't scare the noobs" issue.

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I didn't post it earlier but my original guess was that it would take about 2 weeks with no effort to find out what this was all about. It only took 3 fucking days. I went to the places I normally go, and talked to the people I normally talk to, and just 3DAYS later, I know who and what this is about. I've heard the other side, and witness testimony. I'M WITHHOLDING ALL JUDGEMENT OF ALL PARTIES IN THIS SITUATION AT THIS TIME, and I know who all is reading this. IMO this situation isn't beyond repair, but it would take all parties to want it.

 

This is a testament to the swinger gossip game. Speaking of the game, at this point I have to wonder if this thread was a calculated move in that game, but maybe I'm just more cynical than most people.

 

This is just one of the reasons I value, and cling desperately to the friendship we have with the two couples we love the most.

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I didn't create this game or write the rules, it was like this when I found it. The gossip among swingers is pervasive. I don't start it, and I don't have to. Every time swingers get together a major topic of conversation is other swingers. There have been many times we've met people for the first time and within minutes they're talking about other swingers. Is it a Columbus Ohio swinger thing? Are the people I happen to meet all out of the ordinary? That's difficult to believe. Every time I've mentioned it on this forum I either get some morally superior response or no response at all. It's easier to believe that its more of a "shut up and don't scare the noobs" issue.

 

What I've noticed is that talk is pervasive. People like to tell stories. But, it is rare that names are dropped.

 

Sometimes, because a lot of the clubs around here have open play space, and our most popular website has profile walls, you do know who someone is talking about. You don't say, "x and y? right?" You just file it away for future reference in your own brain.

 

If someone was always gossiping, we just wouldn't hang out with them if they refused to knock it off.

 

Dayton is really close to Columbus, so I don't think it's a Columbus thing.

 

I also don't think my thoughts have anything to do with not trying to scare new people, if anything they are there to model appropriate behavior. The swing community has a really interesting dynamic, but I don't think gossip about specific people is a big part of it.

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I hate the act of "breaking up" with a couple. It's so much easier to turn someone down if you haven't played or invested anything in a friendship.

 

We've played a few times, they've been to parties at our home, but the last party we just decided we didn't want to hang with them anymore. Unfortunately, after a couple of months, they began pestering us about why they haven't heard from us:( After texts, emails, IM's, and wall posts left unanswered, I finally broke down and simply said we just don't enjoy their company anymore. Of course, I hated it...the whole thing - and this is the type of couple who I knew would want a more detailed explanation.

 

Do you give details in this situation and hope they are able to take the constructive criticism? As quasi friends, do you/we owe them any explanation? We don't really run in the same circles, won't likely be seeing them at the club, may run into them somewhere though as they are very active. I just want the whole thing to go away.

 

We have been in this situation, not too long ago even. We didn't give details because we knew that doing so would only cause drama. I find it easiest to just make a clean break and move on.

 

We tried to do the "ignore" thing too but we also knew it wouldn't work with them and we ended up running into them at a party and we just had to outright tell them it wasn't going to happen. We didn't tell them what specifically it was (it was similar to yours with just personality traits that grated on our nerves).

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I didn't post it earlier but my original guess was that it would take about 2 weeks with no effort to find out what this was all about. It only took 3 fucking days. I went to the places I normally go, and talked to the people I normally talk to, and just 3DAYS later, I know who and what this is about. I've heard the other side, and witness testimony. I'M WITHHOLDING ALL JUDGEMENT OF ALL PARTIES IN THIS SITUATION AT THIS TIME, and I know who all is reading this. IMO this situation isn't beyond repair, but it would take all parties to want it.

 

This is a testament to the swinger gossip game. Speaking of the game, at this point I have to wonder if this thread was a calculated move in that game, but maybe I'm just more cynical than most people.

 

This is just one of the reasons I value, and cling desperately to the friendship we have with the two couples we love the most.

 

Well, all I have to say is there are always three sides to every story… One side the other side and the truth. I posted a personal situation, in the spirit of anonymity, and now I see what I get.

 

You are being very cynical. If I had wanted to stir this much trouble I would have taken another route... which I didn't, but you did.

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We have a similar problem, but in our case it is a couple we have not played with, although they are part of our circle and we have invited them to our parties. At the beginning of the summer they expressed an interest in getting together as a foursome. I have no desire whatsoever to go beyond casual friendship with this couple (PB is less adamant on this, but obviously he respects my wishes), and so our response was that while they were always welcome at our parties, the dynamics were not there for a two-on-two date. They drop us a line a weeks ago; I send a non-committal hi. Today, we get back a note asking when we are going to get together so that we can work on the dynamics!

 

 

And that's why I hate giving any sort of specific reason that leaves any opening at all. You'd think "we aren't compatible" would be enough, but some will always want to try to find a way to "fix it". It reeks of desperation.

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I didn't create this game or write the rules, it was like this when I found it. The gossip among swingers is pervasive. I don't start it, and I don't have to. Every time swingers get together a major topic of conversation is other swingers. There have been many times we've met people for the first time and within minutes they're talking about other swingers. Is it a Columbus Ohio swinger thing? Are the people I happen to meet all out of the ordinary? That's difficult to believe. Every time I've mentioned it on this forum I either get some morally superior response or no response at all. It's easier to believe that its more of a "shut up and don't scare the noobs" issue.

 

If I have learned one thing is I am not responsible how others receive my message. Crazy swingers really stick out. Its hard to hide drug us and bad manners from the group and individuals. I will add this. Unless a couples mind is clouded with drugs or alcohol those guys do not usually slip past the crazy net. (in my mind any ways)...

 

Always take the high road...The view of the road is better.

 

And if you do stick it in the crazy... enjoy the ride!!!!

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I went to the places I normally go, and talked to the people I normally talk to, and just 3 DAYS later, I know who and what this is about. I've heard the other side, and witness testimony. I'M WITHHOLDING ALL JUDGEMENT OF ALL PARTIES IN THIS SITUATION AT THIS TIME, and I know who all is reading this. IMO this situation isn't beyond repair, but it would take all parties to want it.

 

This is a testament to the swinger gossip game. Speaking of the game, at this point I have to wonder if this thread was a calculated move in that game, but maybe I'm just more cynical than most people.

 

I've been staying out of this thread because, while I totally understand why it's done, I actively disapprove of the conventional "we'll just stop answering and maybe they'll get the hint and go away" method of breaking up with playmates and I didn't want that coming across as disapproval of the people who do it. However, here's a place where I think open disapproval is warranted. I totally get thought experiments and engage in them fairly frequently. I also have a pretty wide thread of cynicism that runs through me. Fortunately, I also know how to use my inside voice, which appears to not be in your skill set. You might not want to cultivate it or even understand why it would be useful, because the people who love you manage to tolerate you just the way you are. But you have, without any malice except the sort that has small children picking the wings off bugs out of curiosity, compromised a community-wide feeling of safety and security by using your inside voice on the outside.

 

If that wasn't your intent (I'm guessing not, merely a combination of wanting to prove your theory of swinger gossip combined with a liking for knowing things and a lack of understanding of group etiquette), this was a pretty bad misfire.

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And that's why I hate giving any sort of specific reason that leaves any opening at all. You'd think "we aren't compatible" would be enough, but some will always want to try to find a way to "fix it". It reeks of desperation.

 

I don't want to make assumptions about why they seem to have focused on us, but it's not making me very happy. Since the "when are we getting together?" note earlier this week (which we have yet to respond to, because I have NO idea how to phrase it without seeming impossibly rude- and we do have mutual friends)- they've sent two more messages. It seems to me that most people would wait for a response- and should wait for a response. It's only been a couple of days. Oddly, these are people who have been swinging for years- you think that they would know better by now.

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I don't want to make assumptions about why they seem to have focused on us, but it's not making me very happy. Since the "when are we getting together?" note earlier this week (which we have yet to respond to, because I have NO idea how to phrase it without seeming impossibly rude- and we do have mutual friends)- they've sent two more messages. It seems to me that most people would wait for a response- and should wait for a response. It's only been a couple of days. Oddly, these are people who have been swinging for years- you think that they would know better by now.

 

At that point I feel like you have no choice but to respond with a "it's not gonna happen". It seems they've probably now moved themselves off the list of people you would even feel comfortable having around.

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Anytime you use the word 'cling' and 'desparate(ly)' in the same sentence, you need to admit you are on a one car train to crazy town.

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At that point I feel like you have no choice but to respond with a "it's not gonna happen". It seems they've probably now moved themselves off the list of people you would even feel comfortable having around.

 

No kidding. After all, do I want to invite to a party people who don't understand that no means no?

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I didn't post it earlier but my original guess was that it would take about 2 weeks with no effort to find out what this was all about. It only took 3 fucking days. I went to the places I normally go, and talked to the people I normally talk to, and just 3 DAYS later, I know who and what this is about. I've heard the other side, and witness testimony. I'M WITHHOLDING ALL JUDGEMENT OF ALL PARTIES IN THIS SITUATION AT THIS TIME, and I know who all is reading this. IMO this situation isn't beyond repair, but it would take all parties to want it.

 

This is a testament to the swinger gossip game. Speaking of the game, at this point I have to wonder if this thread was a calculated move in that game, but maybe I'm just more cynical than most people.

 

This is just one of the reasons I value, and cling desperately to the friendship we have with the two couples we love the most.

 

I have to admit I missed a point in your post when I first read it. I was so stuck on the idea that you would make something that was posted in a way to intentionally not make anything public was taken by someone else and made public, that I missed your comment in the second paragraph that you thought the post was made basically to control how Angel was seen in regards to this break-up within the local swinger community.

 

That's just some serious bullshit. This site is a place where most people go to post and get feedback without it hitting their local community. Yes, there are people on here from my own local community and they may or may not know something about a situation that I might share, but most people are respectful enough to keep what they do know to themselves. Yes, gossips will gossip and you have proven from your posts in this thread that you are a gossip. You can say you learned whatever you learned through no efforts of your own, but people tell gossip to those who want it and who they know will carry it on. Unless you have spoken directly to Angelkin AND the other person involved you don't know the whole story and even if you did know the whole story it's just really bad form to share anything more about the situation here than those directly involved chose to share. Angel posted a little bit about a personal situation in order to ask a general question knowing that they were not the only ones to encounter this type of situation. What you did was just bad form, rude, disrespectful and offensive. There's a reason you've gotten quite a number of negative reps over this post.

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First, that song breaking up is hard to do is going to be stuck in my head all day. Second it is hard to do but they deserve to know why you're ending the friendship. The truth not some made up excuse because it won't make any sense to them. I would not say, we don't like your company. There is a better way to put it and it will hurt their feelings. Eventually they will get over it and meet new friends. That's when it will dawn on them you weren't being mean. It just was what it was...

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Dang, thought that was going to be two fuckable women playing a Buddy Holly song lol

 

I am never disappointed by Garfunkel and Oats.

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Don't do the fade away.

 

 

 

Haha, that is where i got the term.

 

I do think it's ok in swinging to do a fade away, not in dating though.

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We tried the fade away with two couples and it didn't worked for us. We kept getting pestered until we finally told them why we're never gonna be available for them. And we didn't even told them all of it as it would've demolished their self esteem, even tho one idiot deserved to be crucified("does your wife likes fucking me more than you" comment)..............

Then a couple that lives 4 hrs away told us while chatting online that they're at home that night but they'd let us know when they'll next be in town. An hr later we bumped into them at the club. Asked them where they landed the new jet. Not sure if it was a fade away attempt or a continuation of a bigger drama in our defunct now group of friends that turned the group into "Battle Royale" and they tried to stay friends with everyone; regardless we cut them off. Told them they're always welcome to visit but we don't think that will ever happen.

With vanilla friends if they're just dragging us down we try the fade away but if they do the unforgivable we tend to crucify them first before we cut them off.

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Susan here: Well here's a form of truth: "Hi, this has really concerned me to say to you, yet we're simply no longer compatible. I realize this comes as a surprise, but we know you're the type of people that will respect our feelings without further inquiry." Send it as an email or say it to them personally

 

Yeah, this is my approach, especially the "but we know you're the type of people that will respect our feelings without further inquiry." part. That usually works. If pressed, and they have shown any openness to advice, I will give it as directly, constructively and kindly as I can manage, or if I feel they may be a big problem to themselves or others, I will as seriously and honestly tell them why I feel that way. But sometimes people cannot take a hint. Sometimes as hard as it is, you just have to be a bit blunt and I don't know any way to make that not suck. All I can say, is as hard as that may be, it is better than waiting for the next shoe to drop.

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That sounds good right up until one of your other friends says, "Hey why didn't you give us the heads up on them?"

 

"Friends" would never ask that of me. If your "friends" are asking you to be indiscreet then I would examine your choice of "friends."

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