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How do you handle a small party of 4 couples, where you are simply not attracted to one of the couples attending?

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If this is a party that you are attending I would suggest picking your play partners early. Don't sit on the couch too long or you might find that that the other couples are off playing and you are sitting with the couple that you don't care for. Do you know all of the other guests? The dynamics of a small group are not the same as a large party and they may not waste any time deciding who they want to play with (at least for the first round). If you are hosting I would ask the reason why they were invited. Small groups can be great when everyone is at somewhat compatible with everyone else but bad when someone gets left out.

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Just curious, why would you feel you are obligated to play with them? A party with 4 couples to me simply means that the host likes the couples and feels they would get along with each other but as a host I wouldn't automatically assume that all of my friends would want to fuck them.

 

If this is more of a question because you are uncomfortable with declining offers then that's another story.

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I too am curious what situation you are wanting to "handle". If there was only one couple to whom I (or we) did not find attractive, I'd be happy to play with one or both of the other two.

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Comfort and safety are important to the game. Play with whom you will, but just don't be rude to the ones you have no interest in. There was a time where the Mrs liked the guy but neither of us were thrilled by the lady. I went out of my comfort zone to make things good for the Mrs and found that my initial thoughts about the lady were inaccurate. Making things great for the ladies comes first because if she's happy we may play more often.

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Just like you would at a normal vanilla party: Be polite and friendly. If they ask to play, politely decline.

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We know at a club it is easy to say no to someone you don't want to play with. We were invited to a house by a couple we have played with. We saw pictures of the other two couples and we are making the statement based solely on looks, not on personality. They may be great people but to us we like to play with "fit" people. It is a small gathering and we were thinking of declining because we don't want to cause any problems with the couple that invited us, yet the idea of a party is exciting.

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We've been to parties like this quite a few times. The advice to get things started early with the one you want is my advice also. (I'm polite, but not overly flirty with the people I don't want to play with.) I am more aggressive than I really like to be, so I get what I want. I'd rather be pursued, but if I know I want to play with one particular person I will be more forward with them. These have all been people that I've met before, and have a good idea that they are interested in me.

 

I have to say it can be kind of awkward. At one party of 4 couples, all the girls played with played with multiple guys. My husband and I just played with one couple and then each other. I felt kind of like a prude, but I wasn't really into anyone else. I'm glad I did it that way. I don't know how the other couples felt about us, but they had their fun, so I think it was ok.

 

Some of it depends on the play space. If there is only one big orgy space, it is more difficult to avoid playing with someone in a group. If there are different spaces available, then it's much easier.

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We know all the women are bi oriented. It will be our first time with Multi couples. Mike is worried about being able to keep up and I am excited to but maybe we are thinking too much about this and should just see where it goes. Maybe they are saying something about us too.

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We saw pictures of the other two couples and we are making the statement based solely on looks, not on personality.

 

OMG, you two are so shallow!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Wait, is this the party we are going to? Are you talking about us??? Just kidding!

 

Seriously, follow Funcouple's and N&G's advice. We all have our preferences and everyone should realize that not everyone is going to be attracted. Good luck and I wouldn't turn it down on what may or may not happen.

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We saw pictures of the other two couples and we are making the statement based solely on looks, not on personality.

 

1. Pictures are always one thing and meeting them in person is another. You never know how accurate their pictures are or if you end up more open to different body types than you think.

 

2. Considering that the host was open enough to allow everyone knowledge of who was invited (at least, I hope that's the case and not picking and choosing who knows and who doesn't know), perhaps they also realize that in doing so that couples can decide from pictures if they are attracted to the other possible party-goers thus also giving couples the chance to decline or accept. If you both are absolutely certain in your disinterest in the other couples, perhaps you can write a note to the hosts declining the party invite but would like to be kept in mind for future parties.

 

Three to four couples at a party can be great if everyone is open to playing with each other but they can be troublesome if one couple is only attracted to one other couple--leaving the other 2 couples to hopefully play with each other if they are attracted to each other. Five or more couples is where the dynamics of who "hooks up" isn't as delicate.

 

Your original post only stated that you might have a problem with 1 couple. That might have been doable but if you are having major doubts about 2 couples, that's half the party. I think it all depends on how everyone else at the party views the party. There are certainly people who are open to anyone. There are couples who are more selective. Couples who don't take rejection personally or couples who do. If you go and only play with the host couple, will there be a chance that the other couples will take the rejection to heart? Yes. Will there be a chance that they understand that not everyone will be attracted to them and shrug it off? Yes. Then there's the variable of whether couples play separately or not. If couples play separately, it can be awkward if two halves of two different couples are left to talk and be "left out".

 

It's also best to keep in mind that a party is only as fun as the people who are in attendance make it to be.

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I have to be open and say what scares me. I don't know what will happen and what to expect. One of the women who is going to be there is bigger. So I am shallow. This may never happen but if she wants me to do things to her I may not want to. In my "nightmare" she is going to want me to do to her what she might do to me. This may all be in my head but it's my head. Sorry about being shallow. Would I stop him from having sex with me? Probably not. I know I am making judgements before meeting them. Mike said on looks, we are not the best looking couple who will be there but looks are subjective.

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May I ask you a question? Have you ever declined playing with a person or couple before?

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May I ask you a question? Have you ever declined playing with a person or couple before?

 

No. We are still pretty new to this. We did decline at a club because we didn't want to do any more than watch and see what it was like. We did meet a couple there that we have since played with.

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It sounds like your biggest worry is saying, "No thank you," to another person/couple. I can understand this worry because I feel that I might hurt someone else's feelings by rejecting them. Unfortunately, this is just part of the learning experience of being in the LS. You will have to learn how to say no graciously. You will have to realize that sometimes you are going to hurt people's feelings or disappoint them. You will have to learn to say no or end up "taking one for the team", having a bad experience, or possibly being taken for advantage. How you learn to say no is up to you. The hard way would probably entail experiencing a bad swinging situation because you were too scared to say no.

 

The simplest way could be, "No thank you, but thanks for asking."

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I have only once said no thanks in person. It felt really awkward to me. Typically, I just move away or don't respond if someone is touching me and I don't want to play with them. Generally, people won't ask to play until they get a good vibe. So it's not very likely that a big woman will jump on you at the door. If you are polite, but not encouraging, it should go fine.

 

Sometimes, alcohol makes people more brash with their advances, then you'll need to be firmer. But it will be easier since they'll be silly and annoying.

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I don't think it is shallow to determine that you don't want to play with someone based on pictures. I've done that more than once. Sometimes you just know that you will have no attraction if you see a pic of someone who is in some way repulsive to you. Some people may look unhealthy, either underweight or overweight. Some people may have features that are consistent with alcohol or drug abuse. Meth teeth can be pretty unappealing.

 

If two of the four couples are people whom you know will have no appeal for you, you might consider just not going to the party. That will spare you whatever anxiety you are feeling and the awkwardness of turning people down.

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I have to be open and say what scares me. I don't know what will happen and what to expect. One of the women who is going to be there is bigger. So I am shallow. This may never happen but if she wants me to do things to her I may not want to. In my "nightmare" she is going to want me to do to her what she might do to me. This may all be in my head but it's my head. Sorry about being shallow. Would I stop him from having sex with me? Probably not. I know I am making judgements before meeting them. Mike said on looks, we are not the best looking couple who will be there but looks are subjective.

 

We are all "shallow" about something and swingers are a bunch of hypocrites in this sort of thing. Everyone says they value personality, intelligence, etc over looks but that's just because it sounds good. For most they value personality, intelligence, etc AFTER you pass the looks test. If it was just based on who you are on the inside, most people would be swinging with most others, as I've found most swingers, no matter what they look like, pretty fun and intelligent people to be around. Instead you find most couples looking for those prefect "matches" and I'd bet a lot of money it is not their knowledge of 10th century artwork that is the hold up. Never feel YOU are at fault for not wanting to have sex with someone. This is a recreational activity, not a platform for social activism.

 

If two of the four couples are people whom you know will have no appeal for you, you might consider just not going to the party. That will spare you whatever anxiety you are feeling and the awkwardness of turning people down.

 

I have to agree. Them ain't good odds.

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How do you handle a small party of 4 couples, where you are simply not attracted to one of the couples attending?

 

It looks like the original poster is only not attracted to one of the couples.

 

For myself, even if it was four couples where I only wanted to play with one of them, if I still enjoyed the company of the other people, I would go and play the the ones I wanted or just play with my husband. We sometimes just like to go out and party and have sex somewhere different with different people watching.

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Is this going to be a party where everyone tends to end up in a big pile, or will couples be splitting off?

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I have to be open and say what scares me. I don't know what will happen and what to expect. One of the women who is going to be there is bigger. So I am shallow.

 

As much as I joke, there seem to be two schools of thought with swingers (sorry to lump everyone into these two buckets, a little unfair, but I think it works):

 

Thought process one - I am with the love of my life, we are in this for fun but at the same time, attraction is the number one attribute.

Thought process two - I am with the love of my life, I was extremely selective with them, I'm more into different experiences and looks are not as important.

 

We fall under thought process one - some would call those of us in that bucket shallow but really, we are not shallow in general, only in our swinging choices and I don't see anything wrong with that. What is at the heart of your dilemma is not knowing how to politely tell someone that you just are not interested in playing with them. Trust us when we say that as long as they are not also new to the lifestyle, they are used to being turned down and understand the dynamics don't always work. As long as you are polite, feelings may be a little hurt but hopefully they will appreciate your honesty.

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First let me say the couple we were concerned with didn't come to the party and another couple did.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts. We talked about this for days before going to the party on how we were going to handle the situation if there was a situation. We worried because we were new to the party. Everyone else had been to this house before and had met before. Someone on here asked if this was going to be a group thing or were we going to pair off in separate rooms. We had never asked that. Mike even worried about his performance level which I knew would be great.

 

It all worked well and we had a great time with great people.

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Good for you. We want to try a party but we are having a problem finding one where we would know at least one couple. We don't even know a club to go to that would be good for us. Mike's worry is sort of my worry too even though I don't normally have a problem. I told Linda that if we went to a party she would be the hit and every guy would want to be with her (and woman) and just wonder where I would fit it. Did you find out more about the "big" girl and what others think? You said the couple you knew met her before? Now that you went to a house party would you recommend it to newbies?

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It all worked well and we had a great time with great people.

 

So glad it worked out for the best! :D

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Now that you went to a house party would you recommend it to newbies?

 

In my opinion, a house party's "vibe" is as good as its hosts and those in attendance. If you go and spend the night in a corner or have specific expectations you will probably have a terrible time. If you go with no expectations other than to have fun with your spouse (everything else being extra) and putting yourselves out there to introduce and talk to others you will probably walk away having a great time.

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Tricianmike I think it's cool that you went in spite of some nerves and uncertainty. Doing things outside your comfort zone isn't easy. I worry about how to tactfully decline as well so I appreciate threads like this. Glad you had a good time!

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We never got to the point that we had to decline. We knew one couple, the couple who invited us. The host couple was the most attractive couple and the couple we didn't know was coming were so nice too. The couple we had doubts about had cancelled and we didn't know until we got there. The friend who invited us said that everyone would be friendly. There was some break the ice time and Mike and I were the main focus at first because everyone else there had met before.

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How did an unattractive couple end up at your party? I can think of no polite way to exclude them. Are the other couples someone you've never met before? You may have other surprises.

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How did your party go? We just had a very small party with just us and 2 couples. Where in NJ?

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