Is it rude to ask "Who's coming?"

If you are invited to a party, but there is no open rsvp guest list, is there a way to ask who is coming with out being rude?

We were invited to a party. We like the hosts, but don't think they are really interested in us as play partners. Going to this party will require that we spend a good amount on hotel, overnight babysitter, club fees, meals, etc. I know that my husband and I will have a great time no matter what. However, I'm less inclined to go if there is not a possibility that there will be people there who are potential swing partners. There is not a guest list for the party.

We don't know the hosts very well. We've been to their house for a party and are friendly online.

What would you do?

Don't have an answer. But I am really interested in the opinions of the forum. We find ourselves in the same boat a lot! Hate driving a good distance to find no compatible partners. Or worse yet couples you are actively avoiding.

Normally, I am game to go to a party, especially if it is a "by invitation only" type of party. My reason is to at least go out, meet new people, and "swing-network". Playing is a bonus. However, considering that you throw your own meet and greets and probably know tons and tons of couples, I am less sure in your situation and can understand your concerns. Do you have any idea if it is a small party or a large party? Obviously, with larger parties, there are more couples in attendance and thus perhaps more of a chance of finding a couple that strikes your fancy. In smaller parties, it starts to get really dicey. We've been to smaller parties where we weren't sure...but after talking to the new-to-us couples, we warmed up. Of course, it could have easily been a complete dud. I think that you could perhaps you could ask about the size of the party (after all, some people don't like big/small parties).

Another thing to consider might be your (you and your husband's) overall attitude about the party. If neither of you are "into it", I'd say pass on the party. If you both aren't feeling it, it's just going to spill over. Go out and do something else or go out another night. If you are both somewhat upbeat and looking on the positive side about what the party might bring, then go. I think attitude can determine how the night might turn out...sometimes. If you both are feeling mixed (one yes, one no), maybe one can convince the other that it could be fun or you could veer on the safe side and not go.

As for asking, "Who's coming," I honestly can't answer whether it is rude or not. Well, I can because I can see how it is rude but I can also see why it is done for logical reasons. I think it was mauijanedoe who said that you wouldn't ask a party host of a non-swing dinner party, "Who is coming?" That just sounds rude. Even if it's a dinner party, I don't think you'd ask, "What will be served?" to see if you are going to attend, unless you have a major food allergy. Most likely, those with food allergies would ask during the party to make sure it was safe to eat. If it's all peanut laced dishes served, well then I guess you're just out of luck! I suppose you just have to take that gamble. If the stakes (hotel, babysitter, meal fees, etc.) are too high, then don't take the bet...? Was that a good analogy?

The short answer is that, yes, it's rude to ask who's coming. The underlying implication in the question is that you're insufficiently interested (in a social sense) in the hosts and will only attend if there is added incentive.

I'd go. I'm easy to please and whether there was or wasn't a compatible couple, I'd still have a good time with Mr. Doe. However, if the financial burden was too large, I wouldn't go, even if I knew the guest list and was excited by it, if that makes any sense.

When I read the title of the thread, I thought you were referring to orgasm!

Short answer, yes. Like someone else said, it implies that you are not interested unless there is something more to temp you into coming. If we had someone ask that we would be a little offended.

On the flip side, we totally understand where you are coming from. We don't have a big budget for date night and usually only do about one a month. So we like to make the most of it and like to make the most of it. So we would be curious as well especially if there wasn't much chemistry with the hosts.

It may work out that you meet some cool, like minded people at the party and play or make a later couples date. But as you know that's a roll of the dice. If the investment is too much to take that chance, then there is your answer.

I think it's a bit tacky to ask for the guest list before you accept the invitation for the reasons others have already mentioned, especially if you decide not to go after having seen the guest list. If you are on the fence, with the financial as well as time burdens, I would choose not to go. I would be more inclined to take a chance if it's some place close to home so if it's not my crowd, I can always leave and go home.

A couple we were close friends with used to host parties often when they lived in our area. We'd often ask them who was attending, and just as often they'd tell us who was attending before we asked. Of course that's a horse of a different color. We were close, were attending (and helping host) no matter who was going to show up, and they knew our question was only out of curiosity.

So, yeah, what MJD said. Pretty much word for word.

When I read the title of the thread, I thought you were referring to orgasm!

I love double entendre!

We went to a house party 90 miles away from us, our first house party, and we asked the host who was coming. They knew we were interested in attending, and they were more than happy to share other profiles that were going to be in attendance. We actually contacted a few of the couples, and had dinner with one prior to the party.

I am bad this way cause I ask who is attending these things. There are some people I don't want to be around and it is so easy. All you have to say is: Who else is coming? I don't seem the harm in that question. I kinda think it would be rude not to say who is coming. What if they invited the local basketball team and it was you and ten single men? For me disclosing who is coming is part of the invitation. For example if one of our close friends was having a party and they invited their bdsm friends that may not be a party I would attend. Besides I have never heard of any one getting blackballed because they asked who was coming. In fact that might be a good way to do some swinger networking and a way to get to know the host better.

Maybe just hint around a little bit and see if any more information is offered? You could start off by thanking them for the invite, saying you hope you can come, but that you are still thinking about it because of the logistics involved. Most people can appreciate that because they have to make the same decisions themselves about when and where to spend their hard-earned free time and money. Odds are you will get a reply back that while it may not be the complete guest list, it will provide more info to help you make your decision.

If that doesn't work, then I would just go with your gut feeling. If you both are just so-so about it, then probably wouldn't go given the time and expense involved. It's easier to take a chance on something close and simple, but when it requires more, then we like to be more sure it will be what we hoped it would be.

Even though I will take a look at a list when thinking about attending a party, it is not the deciding factor. No matter where I go, I try my very best to make the best of it. I'm very picky about play partners. So if there is no one in the crowd that I find compatible, at least there is the chance of making a few new friends.

It would be key for us to know who was coming and a little about them just to make sure we're compatible in the Lifestyle sense. Everyone has different desires and limits and if it appeared we weren't compatible with the folks coming why not steer our valuable free time towards a party where we do match up better. For instance the single-guys just aren't our thing and if a party is heavy on the single guys we would just opt to not go. Same reason Desire and Desire Pearl are a better fit for us than Hedo.

Bottom line: I figure it's less rude to ask in advance and not show up than to show up and leave quickly.

My wife and I host several private house parties each year. We personally consider it bad form that someone would ask, "who's going to be there?" But we know people secretly harbor this question. So we look for ways to make everybody happy. We have established "Party Groups" at the two swinger Web sites that we regularly use. At each of these, a group member can see, even before signing up, who has already signed up. We also maintain a separate list of people who would prefer to remain not visible. To them we send invitations and receive responses privately using email. This means that there will always be a prospect of receiving a surprise when you arrive at our house.

Summation: people who fear unpleasant surprises should go to the trouble of hosting parties of their own. They can then feel free to invite only people whom the like.

I don't consider it rude to ask who is coming. And if I host did consider it rude, I would just have to be rude in their eyes.

I also ask who will be there at vanilla parties. I didn't know that this wasn't a thing...?

So maybe it is just my uber laidbackness or that I just don't hang out with people that get offended over petty things but... it is what it is!

I think the issue isn't asking who's coming as much as asking who's coming as a criteria if you will show up or not.

With a vanilla party, you are just curious, and you could be with a swinger one as well, but in this case its not about just wondering and more about if its worth your time, which brings up the rude bit.

Well, like I said, maybe I'm just rude because if someone was going to a vanilla party I didn't want to be around... I wouldn't go.

Question: How would a host know the difference between someone asking out of curiosity and someone asking to determine if they are attending?

Question: How would a host know the difference between someone asking out of curiosity and someone asking to determine if they are attending?

A host would typically not know. A host should not care. As host and hostess we would take no offense in somebody asking. This is the reason I characterized it as bad form rather than to say it is rude.

On those occasions that my wife and I receive invitations, we go with the simple assumption that "fun will be had by all." We do not think to ask, "how much fun?"

Great question but you left a lot for interpretation in your question. Like are the hosts to this party you are invited to friends/acquaintances and having a party for friends? If this is the case I think you could ask them any of the things you would ask anybody that invited you to a party. Like what’s the occasion, is there going to be a theme, how many people are you inviting, the list of normal questions goes on. You wouldn’t ask for a detailed list of all the invitees but you can get a pretty good idea of who you would expect to be there.

Or are they host for a commercial party house and you were invited to one of their regularly scheduled parties? If that’s the circumstance then I think it would be perfectly alright to ask more pointed questions. In this case many of these parties have guest lists posted. This would be more of a proprietor to a customer relation other than one where a friend invites you to a party. If you are going to one of these parties you’re buying something and anytime you buy something there is nothing wrong with knowing what you’re buying.

I think the secret is just handling the invitation with good manners and appreciation. The wrong way would be to reply with, fax me a full list of attendees and I will get back to you after I see who all’s going to be there. I don’t see too much wrong with wow that sounds like fun who all is going to be attending, is there going to be a theme and questions in this line. Based on what they tell you the choice is up to you either go or not. We never go to parties like this where we don’t really know the group with any expectations other than looking forward to meeting new people and enjoying ourselves. If we do find people we click with so much the better if not it’s no big deal.

When hubby and I do host a party we put it out as an event on FB. That way people have an idea who is coming. We HAVE had people tell us they didn't come because someone signed up and that is always fine with us. I wish it was MORE acceptable to just ask who is going without being perceived as rude. As hosts we invite people we want to be around and that we like. I assume that others do the same thing. Has been interesting seeing all the different thoughts on this.

There is no one that we're looking to avoid, so that's not an issue at all.

This is not a commercial event. It's a private invite-only party. The theme has nothing to do with the question. We know the hosts, but haven't played with them. We do like them and would play with them; I'm not sure they feel the same. As Sunbuckus said, we know a lot of people. Probably, we'll know everyone who is coming.

When we've hosted invite only parties we arranged the invite list so everyone coming had someone we knew they liked/played with or we play with/are very interested in them. We're lucky though to be in the know, and people around here don't kiss and tell, but they do... We're also great with a guest asking, "Can you invite X?" We'll ask our close friends to do that for their parties too. I just don't know these hosts well enough to do that. We also do a party invite so everyone can see the rsvp list.

We will probably go because it will be fun regardless. I would just like the comfort (and maybe nice anticipation) of knowing who to expect.

I would think a host would let the invitees know who is coming. On many swinger sites, parties are posted as well as the RSVP's of those who have been invited. It's a good way to check out who is coming and avoid feeling the need to ask who is coming. If the hosts want to have a successful party, it is in their interest to do what they can to make sure that everyone at the party is comfortable with each other.

I've asked the question before and did not feel embarrassed or tacky about it. At the end of the day, a big part of swinging is physical attraction, so it seems fair to make sure beforehand that you have some physical attraction to the other guests.