Asking for a Friend....Really

We have a friend who is dating someone new who doesn't know about his swinging life. To complicate it more, they work together.

A quick synopsis

Matt is my husband's best friend. Matt has become a surrogate husband for me when my husband is away on business. We have a great time together and we know it is strictly for fun and there are no romantic feelings between us.

Amanda is my best friend and she found out about my lifestyle from my college friends who we normally play with. Amanda knows that when I am with my friends that I went to school with I play with my girlfriends sexually. She had asked me to play with her too but I for some reason didn't want to go there with her. I didn't have a real reason to exclude her. My husband said I was just being a bitch to her. Matt and Amanda were not really friends before are now having sex. Matt told my husband how great Amanda is in the sack and we have agreed that it was okay for my husband and Amanda to have sex. Do we need a chart for this yet?

We have all played together since this started and I have given in to Amanda and we have played too. I am still afraid that this will backfire and ruin our close friendship. So far it hasn't.

Now we have me and my husband, his best friend and my best friend and everything should be great. All of our other play partners don't live near us and seeing them is not an everyday thing. Matt and Amanda are not romantically attached, it's just sex so they say. I know Amanda isn't seeing anyone and Matt does date.

Matt has recently started getting involved with a woman in his office. He uses me as a sounding board and tells me details. Who says men aren't yentas? When he first dated her I told him to be careful and not to date someone he sees at work every day. Now I think it has become a romantic thing. Of course she knows nothing about Amanda or for that matter me. He says she wouldn't understand swinging. I think he either tells her or stops playing with me and Amanda. If he is going to commit to a relationship he has to me honest. Part of me says I should still play with him and the other side says I shouldn't as long as he is hiding it from someone he cares about.

You say Matt is becoming romantically involved with the woman in his office. The question I would have is: is that woman being monogamous with Matt? If so, then yes, Matt should stop playing with you and Amanda until he either confesses to his new partner or breaks up with her.

On the other hand, if the office woman is seeing other men, I see no reason why Matt can't also see other women on the side.

I think he either tells her or stops playing with me and Amanda.

Lioness, I think you've answered your own question.

-- Peter

My advise is to go with the other side that is telling you honesty is the best policy. He needs to figure out what he wants out of this new relationship. I think you need to cut him loose to allow him the space to do that without complications. Make the decision for him because he probably can't when his little head is doing the thinking. Amanda should too but since she's not asking...

I had a similar situation when I was a single guy. I was seeing a couple on a regular basis. Their relationship was one of the ones that made it so intriguing for me to find a woman that had an interest in building a relationship that could allow swinging. When I told the woman I was talking to someone she had some of the same feelings, we had a great time together and it was just sex, fun and no extraneous bs. After a couple of dates and filling her in on the status she finally told me that I should devote my time to my new girlfriend and that if we ended up in the lifestyle she would love to meet us together. It has felt kind of weird to me in a way so I never looked her back up. I guess more than anything I think the two women probably wouldn't have the best chemistry.

Bottom line is I appreciated kind of being dumped because, at the time, I was having a blast but it wouldn't have worked out in the end and I would have tried to keep both options open which meant I wasn't completely honest with my new woman or myself about what I wanted. My little head was doing the thinking. I would have had to come clean and probably wouldn't be in the great relationship I have today. Yes, my wife knew I had been in the lifestyle as a single guy and had played with couples but she doesn't know many of the details. She's never asked.

Matt may not be ready to make a decision but if this other woman has reason to believe she is his one and only then he needs to clarify with her before what he thinks is swinging is really cheating. You don’t say if Amanda knows of this other woman, but trying to keep too many secrets can get messy and build more resentment later.

When I first started swinging I found out my FWB had another long term girlfriend. I knew there were other women and that wasn’t a problem, but cheating is. I ended it, no ultimatum. He asked me to stay friends as he was leaving the girlfriend for someone else much younger. He cheats on her, chronically fears her cheating on him. I have new friends. My usual FWB had dinner last week with the partner of my new playmate. We are adults having a wonderful time.

.... He says she wouldn't understand swinging....

This sounds like a bomb waiting to go off.

I would not want to be in the line of fire if/when her understanding is tested (especially in the wrong way).

Keeping secrets is not open and honest communication, and will likely NEVER end well. Somebody is likely to get hurt, and that should be enough to defeat the purpose.

Amanda and Matt are not romantically attached, it’s sex for sex. Amanda has been my closest friend for years and she dates and has sex with other men. We used to discuss our dates growing up. Knowing Matt he isn’t hiding anything from Amanda.

Dating someone you work with is always dangerous, hiding his swinging adds to that. Then again most people on here think it’s crazy that I play with friends who were as vanilla as I was.

I am not going to shut down what Matt and I do, he has a choice to stop if he thinks it will affect his new relationship.

It sounds like Matt needs to decide if he is willing to be in a monogamous relationship with his new lady. You know the old "how you going to keep them down on the farm after they've seen Paris".

Matt is your friend first and your playmate second. As a friend, I'd sit down and discuss all of this with him. You, Matt, your husband and Amanda are fine with what you've had. Who knows if new lady would be or not until she's asked? Matt should ask her if she's looking for an exclusive relationship and, if she says yes, then he has a decision to make.

I'm wondering if he could give up the FWB situation he's enjoyed for quite a while now. And, if he things he could, for how long? He could end up resenting this new lady for causing him to lose wonderful friends.

I am not going to shut down what Matt and I do, he has a choice to stop if he thinks it will affect his new relationship.

Sounds like you've made your decision. I hope it all works out.

It's the rule between my wife and I, and among everyone else we have sex with that we tell one another whoelse we're fucking. Once you have that rule and stick to it, life is pretty simple.

Maybe Matt’s new gf is/will be lifestyle friendly and everyone will have a new playmate.

Just because he is dating or more with someone does not mean he has to tell her everything he does or did. Is it a romance he is having or fun with a colleague? You will all know when to stop if the relationship progresses.

First off (and it's much easier said than done) don't date anyone you work with. If things go south (and they often do) it just becomes very awkward having to see them every day after that...if things go REALLY south then it can become unbearable. Private things will most likely be shared with others and the office can be divided in two. Add to this that he swings...if she ever finds this out, do you really think she will keep it quiet if things don't work out? Everyone in the office will know. This is just a train wreck looking for a place to happen. Unfortunately, you are not even on the train, let alone someone that can really do anything to stop it from happening. It's best to tell him that this isn't a good idea, but he is going to do whatever he wants in the end, just try to keep clear of the debris...

This is not a simple case of "we swing with a single guy who has started seeing someone". In that case, it's up to them to decide when that relationship is exclusive; at which time he discloses the swinging or ceases the swinging... Here you have a relationship with all parties, and since you are aware; it's a huge violation that is not going to end well. How is she going to feel when she discovers it's you he's been swinging with while they were initially courting.

I agree it is a bad choice he is making only because he works with her. Would it make a difference if it was just someone he met and asked out on a date? If he continues to date his coworker he might make it worse by telling her about his swinging unless he thinks she would be okay with it which I doubt. He isn’t romantically involved with me or Amanda. I am trying to convince him not to “fall in love” with the new girl. I haven’t met her and I am going to try to keep it that way. I am fine with my life. My closest friend knows. None of my other vanilla friends know. If Matt’s friend finds out it will be on him to straighten out the office problems.

Many people advise against dating co-workers, also many advise against swinging with friends. Both happen sometimes with good, sometimes not so good experiences.

Have you asked Matt if the co-worker thinks they are exclusive? How would you feel if he chooses to pursue the new relationship? Can you initiate ending your sexual relationship or will you wait for him to clarify?

It doesn’t read right to me, but it’s not that she is a co-worker.

Many people advise against dating co-workers, also many advise against swinging with friends. Both happen sometimes with good, sometimes not so good experiences.

Have you asked Matt if the co-worker thinks they are exclusive? How would you feel if he chooses to pursue the new relationship? Can you initiate ending your sexual relationship or will you wait for him to clarify?

It doesn’t read right to me, but it’s not that she is a co-worker.

Many people advise against dating co-workers, also many advise against swinging with friends. Both happen sometimes with good, sometimes not so good experiences.

Have you asked Matt if the co-worker thinks they are exclusive? How would you feel if he chooses to pursue the new relationship? Can you initiate ending your sexual relationship or will you wait for him to clarify?

It doesn’t read right to me, but it’s not that she is a co-worker.

I have read posts from many people that you shouldn’t swing with people you know or friends. I have read other posts saying that friends are the best to swing with. There are also posts that swinging partners have become great friends. There isn’t much on here about dating coworkers. I know plenty of people have met their mates at work.

I am with Matt because my husband asked me to. All of swinging had been centered around my college girlfriends and that led to their partners. I wasn’t looking for another guy to have sex with. It turned out that Matt is fun. Other than my husband he knows my body and my likes more than any other person. He has told me things he likes that he claims he never told anyone else. I am not afraid to share my kinky thoughts.

Matt has to deal with his relationships. I won’t interfere and hold back on our relationship. I actually think he needs a real relationship and I know that only a very small percentage of people will understand what we do. I don’t think anyone in my work life would or could imagine our lifestyle.

Yes, I agree Matt has to deal with his relationships. By trying to convince him not to date a coworker you are interfering. What do you mean by he “needs a real relationship?” I get the sense though, understandably so, you would be disappointed if he chose to be monogamous with this new woman. I guess my question would be more at what point do you ask Matt to clarify his situation/intentions. If the coworker would consider it cheating (I think passively avoiding the issue is very close) and not swinging, then it is.

Would it make a difference if it was just someone he met and asked out on a date?

Only slightly. If that went bad she doesn't have a direct line to everyone he works with (and most of the people he knows). Plus, he's starting a relationship withholding important knowledge that WILL make a difference to the relationship at some point. Swinging with friends is usually not a good idea, dating a coworker is also usually not a good idea, lets combine the two...How could this possibly go wrong?

Yes, I agree Matt has to deal with his relationships. By trying to convince him not to date a coworker you are interfering. What do you mean by he “needs a real relationship?” I get the sense though, understandably so, you would be disappointed if he chose to be monogamous with this new woman. I guess my question would be more at what point do you ask Matt to clarify his situation/intentions. If the coworker would consider it cheating (I think passively avoiding the issue is very close) and not swinging, then it is.

I think you are reading into this. When I say he needs a relationship I mean it would be great if he found someone to love. I feel everyone needs someone to love. Love is not sex, a relationship is much more than sex.

I don’t think I would be sad if he became monogamous. That is a decision he has to make. I respect everyone’s decisions. I am also not telling him not to date a coworker and I’m not telling him what he should tell her about his lifestyle choices. That is all the things he has to decide.

Cannnn...

Anybody...

Find Me...

Somebody to...

Loveeeeeeeee

I know, it has nothing to do to the thread but the line "When I say he needs a relationship I mean it would be great if he found someone to love" just popped the song into my head and this is my attempt to get it back out.

Cannnn...

 

Anybody...

Find Me...

Somebody to...

 

Loveeeeeeeee

 

I know, it has nothing to do to the thread but the line "When I say he needs a relationship I mean it would be great if he found someone to love" just popped the song into my head and this is my attempt to get it back out.

Freddie, you’re becoming such a Queen. LOL

Freddie, you’re becoming such a Queen. LOL

...a killer queen.

I bet you all do the Fandango.

Easy Come, Easy Go

I would not let him go.

Are we talking about My Best Friend?

No, we're talking about Galileo

Thunderbolts and lightening very very frightening me!

I think this thread has officially been hijacked and I apologize for it.

Nothing really matters to me.

Any way the wind blows.

It’s my thread and I can laugh if I want to.